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Is ever possible the MM really does love the OW ***Updated***


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I've been a lurker here off and on for a while. I am a married woman and have been involved in a relationship with a married man for a year and 9 months to be exact. It has been both the best and worst times of my life. We fell in love very quickly. We never meant for that to happen. I can honestly say I have never loved a man like I love him. We don't live close to each other so seeing one another was never an easy task.

 

When we could escape for a day it was the best feeling in the world leaving him was the worst. We both have children so the situation is complicated by that. He told me he doesn't love his wife and was only staying for the kids (I've read enough posts here and realize that is BS) But I loved him so much I tried to tell myself we'd be different (again I've read the posts) We broke up twice which lasted all of 12 hours both times. I have a huge problem with being jealous of his wife. I know that is so dumb I realize the situation I've put myself in.

 

I couldn't control my jealousy yesterday so now he ended it again. I understand and agree it has a become a toxic relationship for me and I should move on. My problem is this we spoke everyday sometimes twice a day. We text I love you every night before bed. I'm so lost I just don't know how to go on and the worst part is I can't grieve this at home.

 

If anyone wants to share their thoughts on how to get through this I'd appreciate it. I know what I've done is wrong I'm not looking for criticism. I just needed to type this out.

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I guessing you dont want to really know how to get through this, but how to make your pain go away.

 

The first is really not that difficult, people In your situation usually don't want to do it because it requires ownership and consequences. The second is more difficult and only time can relieve.

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I’m so sorry for what you’re going thru. I think In some ways we can’t help who we fall in love with but we can control what we do about it. I’d think it’d be natural for you to feel jealous. I won’t judge the situation on your side but i would say it’s not cool to string two women along. I know that from seeing people in the forum it may take a long time to let the feelings go. You just have to know that every day more you go on you won’t have to be in a relationship dealing with constant jealousy. I know this may be incredibly disappointing but I’d hope at some point later in life, hopefully not too far away, you’ll be in a relationship with someone who is fully committed to you.

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Don't worry, he will be back. This break up is just meant to put you in your place and lower your expectations. Once he feels like you have learned your lesson he will coming looking for you again and if you let him back into your life you will be willing to accept even less than you have now.

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healing light

Annika's post made me morbidly laugh because I feel like that often happens. I would look into EFT (tapping) that you can learn online through a simple YouTube search to start delving into your grief around this situation and figuring out what kind of beliefs you held that attracted you to it.

 

Do you love your husband? Is your marriage salvageable? Why have you chosen to stay with him?

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OP, I tried to quote just parts of your original post to illustrate, but then realized that basically the whole things screams "limerence". In big bold letters.

 

If you're not familiar with that term, suggest you Wikipedia it - you are in for a tough time unfortunately. But at least know what you're up against.

 

Suggest you read the Wikipedia article on EFT/Tapping while you're at it, before getting too deep into Youtube videos.

 

Sincerely wishing you the best of luck...

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The only way out of this is through it.

 

It’s going to hurt like hell but you must let him go and stick to it if you want to heal. The highs are ultra high right now and the lows are extra low. It’s basicallg an addictiion you need to let go of. You can’t get sober while still trying to get high it’s never going to work.

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Daisy, you will know when to get out!! When the lows outweigh the highs by 99%. Hopefully, you dont wait as long as I did. I had to mentally and pshycially hit rock bottom. Be smarter than that!! You deserve to have to the proper love. This is not real!! Yes, my MM text me everynight too to say I love you. But where is he sleeping?? Right alongside his wife holding her after he sends the text from guilt and etc. Men are able to switch off their emotions. He is probably giving her more attention than before. Securing his marriage even more. Please dont be blind to the reality. This will never ever go your way!!! Women connect way differently than a man!!!

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  • 3 weeks later...
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I know there are people lurking here who are on the edge of starting an affair. Who are looking for validation to go ahead and do it all will be OK. Who think they are ready for the excitement and fun of being the OW/OM please, please, please don't do it.

 

I was one of those people but I didn't listen to all the people here and a few friends in my life who said you're crazy you will only end up heartbroken when you fall in love. It won't happen to me I said I won't fall in love. Almost two years later I sit here brokenhearted. Nobody thinks it will happen to them but it does and it has to been one of the worst times in my life.

 

 

I am married too so mourning the lose of a love I wasn't suppose to have is almost impossible. I hope I can get through to just one person because I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy!

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You say you are married but don't mention your BH, do you have any feelings for him at all? What about your kids? How much of their lives have you missed by not being fully involved, waiting for MM's next contact?

You thought you'd be different, were both your spouses just meant to magically disappear and all would be wonderful?

 

I'm sorry to be tough but you are not the injured party here. I'm sure he'll be back soon enough unless he finds a less high maintenance OW, the problem is you overstepped your boundaries and he's reacting.

 

The thing is what do you want to do now? If even want to save your marriage then you need to start working on it. I'd say tell your husband and take it from there but I doubt that'll happen. At least read some other threads to gain some perspective.

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Turning point

So, you've described this affair using the words:

 

- looking for validation

- heartbroken

 

If you want to end this pain and end this affair then you have to take a good look at your own words and realize how voluntary the whole thing is.

 

I'm not an OW but the view from the outside is that what you are calling love is merely an addiction. What you call validation is just a distraction.

 

What you call "heartbreak" is the dichotomy between your fantasy of this man and the reality of the experience. There isn't any real connection or love with him and that manifests as jealousy of his wife.

 

Roller coasters are made for everyone. It's a thrill ride while you're on it and when you get off it might be all headaches and vomit. If this is you - then why are you still in the ticket line?

 

You can't see your life for what is real while diving the big coaster drop, and you can't be there for your kids while you're emotionally vomiting. Who do you want to be?

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Almost two years later I sit here brokenhearted. Nobody thinks it will happen to them but it does and it has to been one of the worst times in my life...

I hope I can get through to just one person because I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy!

 

Two years since the start, but only 3 months since the end if I read your posts correctly.

 

Believe that getting over this stuff takes months not weeks for most if the feelings were real. You might try IC as well, but the real healer is time. Distractions help during the process, as will focusing on the other people in your life who bring you joy (friends as well as family).

 

NC with the AP and resolving that it is truly and completely over also help - although it sounds like you have done that already.

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It takes a really long time, Daisy. How do you get through it? You just do. It's hard, it hurts. But that's the consequences of making bad choices.

 

It will only be worse if you let it keep going on. And yes, he's likely to come back so you will have the choice to continue.

 

Put your focus on your marriage and decide what you want to do about it without the distraction of another man. Hanging on to your husband and someone else's as well (when he comes back) is selfish and cowardly. So is hanging on to your husband and pining for another man even if he's not around.

 

I know it's harsh, but realizing the truth of that is your first step.

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I once read an article by a professional that deals with this. He stated that sometimes people become addicted to the person they are having the affair with. He cited many cases where the wife was discovered and despite breaking off the affair and knowing the consequences if caught, went back to the guy over and over again.

 

The solution for one couple was to pack up and move far out of State. The man and women gave up their jobs to save their marriage and moved thousands of miles away. You may be addicted and need professional help.

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Of course she is addicted - it's the nature of affairs.

 

Like any addiction, the withdrawal is going to be really hard and she's going to want to start "using" again. But if she can ride it out the urge will be controllable and she'll gain clarity and see him for the bad news he is.

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NotADayGoesBy

You got a lot of good advice here. Do you still love your husband? Try turning even half of the energy you spent on xMM on him. It may be hard to do that now while you’re grieving but try. Be more present with him and your family, because whether you realize it or not, you’ve probably been checked out for a very long time.

 

It will take a long time to get over it so don’t expect it to take a few weeks or months—know you’re in for a long haul. Also, this will be nothing like past breakups, so throw that out the window. As a pp said, you just have to go through it and keep going. It’s some of the worst psychological pain I’ve ever been through.

 

Your relationship with xMM won’t get better (see many stories on here) so look at this breakup as a gift. Go NC and stop him from being able to contact you (he probably eventually will try). You don’t want to go through this hell only to see the light at the end and have him pop back into your life and have to start all over again.

 

If you want a checklist of what you can do, here is what I did/ still doing:

 

-exercised like crazy

-went into IC

-joined something to keep me busy at night

-read a lot of posts here to see my story wasn’t unique

-have done a lot of thinking and reflecting on how I ended up in this situation

-started an online journal

 

Read the stories of some of the posters. You’ll see they know what they’re talking about from experience.

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I have been trying unsuccessfully to go NC for the last month. I was feeling so good about that on Friday. I just needed that one last phone call to say what I needed to say and move on. I did say what I needed to say. But, I also agreed to a friendship of sorts. MM and I agreed neither of us want to lose the other. I truly believe he loves me our 45 minute conversation led to tears for both of us. We have agreed we don't really know what that friendship will look like but it won't involve anything physical. I truly do love him as a person and I can't imagine never speaking to him again.

 

I know many of you on here will tear me apart for this. But at this point I'd would rather have him in my life on some level then not at all. I understand the consequences of this action.

 

I am in IC at this point and hope maybe I can figure things out in my life with regard to my marriage. I'm still in the early stages of that. I know many of you will say it's not fair to my husband/family. However, he had his own issues with infidelity in the past. Issues I/we never really dealt with. It is my hope this IC will help on so many level in my life.

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Daisy... he played you like a drum...

 

You need to correct this and go back to NC...

 

Also.. it won't be long before his definition of the friendship will include dipping his noodle and getting it wet...

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Also.. it won't be long before his definition of the friendship will include dipping his noodle and getting it wet...

 

I'm sure Daisy wants that too. Stop blaming it all on him.

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If you don't want to be married, get a divorce. If he doesn't want to be married, get a divorce. Neither of you loves deeply enough to even stop yourself from hurting the spouses you both chose.

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If the two of you have an understanding that nothing physical will happen then I think it's fine. Maybe it will help you move on better. It's like one step at a time - much easier than the sudden NC.

 

 

As I posted before, NC never works for me. I remember having a similar talk to my ex-bf back then. After dating for 7 years, we got tired of each other and he fell for someone else. I was heartbroken and we decided never to contact each other again and I did a full NC. But after a week or 2, he decided to talk to me and yeah we had this talk that we have been together for long time, we came too attached to each other and became part of each other's life so we cannot just pretend that we don't know each other and forget everything. We decided to stay friends. We didn't talk as much as we used to but just the thought that we are still part of each other's life made me feel relief. I was able to move on slowly but yeah up until now we are still friends.

 

 

So if you think that kind of set up will work for you then go ahead. But if he started to make a "move" - you know the typical MM move to make you fall for him again or bed you... then stop.

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This man was willing to let you go, you're now actively choosing to prolong your unhappiness. What happens the next time you see each other in person?

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