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Is ever possible the MM really does love the OW ***Updated***


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 6th February 2019, 4:15 PM   #1
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Is ever possible the MM really does love the OW ***Updated***

I've been a lurker here off and on for a while. I am a married woman and have been involved in a relationship with a married man for a year and 9 months to be exact. It has been both the best and worst times of my life. We fell in love very quickly. We never meant for that to happen. I can honestly say I have never loved a man like I love him. We don't live close to each other so seeing one another was never an easy task.

When we could escape for a day it was the best feeling in the world leaving him was the worst. We both have children so the situation is complicated by that. He told me he doesn't love his wife and was only staying for the kids (I've read enough posts here and realize that is BS) But I loved him so much I tried to tell myself we'd be different (again I've read the posts) We broke up twice which lasted all of 12 hours both times. I have a huge problem with being jealous of his wife. I know that is so dumb I realize the situation I've put myself in.

I couldn't control my jealousy yesterday so now he ended it again. I understand and agree it has a become a toxic relationship for me and I should move on. My problem is this we spoke everyday sometimes twice a day. We text I love you every night before bed. I'm so lost I just don't know how to go on and the worst part is I can't grieve this at home.

If anyone wants to share their thoughts on how to get through this I'd appreciate it. I know what I've done is wrong I'm not looking for criticism. I just needed to type this out.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 27th February 2019 at 12:33 PM.. Reason: Paragraphs, merge threads and update title
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Old 6th February 2019, 4:38 PM   #2
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I guessing you dont want to really know how to get through this, but how to make your pain go away.

The first is really not that difficult, people In your situation usually don't want to do it because it requires ownership and consequences. The second is more difficult and only time can relieve.
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Old 6th February 2019, 8:01 PM   #3
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This can't be your first ever break up.What did you do in the past to soothe yourself?
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Old 6th February 2019, 8:22 PM   #4
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Iím so sorry for what youíre going thru. I think In some ways we canít help who we fall in love with but we can control what we do about it. Iíd think itíd be natural for you to feel jealous. I wonít judge the situation on your side but i would say itís not cool to string two women along. I know that from seeing people in the forum it may take a long time to let the feelings go. You just have to know that every day more you go on you wonít have to be in a relationship dealing with constant jealousy. I know this may be incredibly disappointing but Iíd hope at some point later in life, hopefully not too far away, youíll be in a relationship with someone who is fully committed to you.
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Old 6th February 2019, 8:57 PM   #5
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Don't worry, he will be back. This break up is just meant to put you in your place and lower your expectations. Once he feels like you have learned your lesson he will coming looking for you again and if you let him back into your life you will be willing to accept even less than you have now.
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Old 6th February 2019, 10:07 PM   #6
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Annika's post made me morbidly laugh because I feel like that often happens. I would look into EFT (tapping) that you can learn online through a simple YouTube search to start delving into your grief around this situation and figuring out what kind of beliefs you held that attracted you to it.

Do you love your husband? Is your marriage salvageable? Why have you chosen to stay with him?
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Old 6th February 2019, 11:33 PM   #7
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OP, I tried to quote just parts of your original post to illustrate, but then realized that basically the whole things screams "limerence". In big bold letters.

If you're not familiar with that term, suggest you Wikipedia it - you are in for a tough time unfortunately. But at least know what you're up against.

Suggest you read the Wikipedia article on EFT/Tapping while you're at it, before getting too deep into Youtube videos.

Sincerely wishing you the best of luck...
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Old 7th February 2019, 12:21 AM   #8
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The only way out of this is through it.

Itís going to hurt like hell but you must let him go and stick to it if you want to heal. The highs are ultra high right now and the lows are extra low. Itís basicallg an addictiion you need to let go of. You canít get sober while still trying to get high itís never going to work.
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Old 9th February 2019, 10:22 AM   #9
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Daisy, you will know when to get out!! When the lows outweigh the highs by 99%. Hopefully, you dont wait as long as I did. I had to mentally and pshycially hit rock bottom. Be smarter than that!! You deserve to have to the proper love. This is not real!! Yes, my MM text me everynight too to say I love you. But where is he sleeping?? Right alongside his wife holding her after he sends the text from guilt and etc. Men are able to switch off their emotions. He is probably giving her more attention than before. Securing his marriage even more. Please dont be blind to the reality. This will never ever go your way!!! Women connect way differently than a man!!!
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Old 27th February 2019, 12:16 PM   #10
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Don't Do it!

I know there are people lurking here who are on the edge of starting an affair. Who are looking for validation to go ahead and do it all will be OK. Who think they are ready for the excitement and fun of being the OW/OM please, please, please don't do it.

I was one of those people but I didn't listen to all the people here and a few friends in my life who said you're crazy you will only end up heartbroken when you fall in love. It won't happen to me I said I won't fall in love. Almost two years later I sit here brokenhearted. Nobody thinks it will happen to them but it does and it has to been one of the worst times in my life.


I am married too so mourning the lose of a love I wasn't suppose to have is almost impossible. I hope I can get through to just one person because I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy!

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Old 27th February 2019, 1:24 PM   #11
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You say you are married but don't mention your BH, do you have any feelings for him at all? What about your kids? How much of their lives have you missed by not being fully involved, waiting for MM's next contact?
You thought you'd be different, were both your spouses just meant to magically disappear and all would be wonderful?

I'm sorry to be tough but you are not the injured party here. I'm sure he'll be back soon enough unless he finds a less high maintenance OW, the problem is you overstepped your boundaries and he's reacting.

The thing is what do you want to do now? If even want to save your marriage then you need to start working on it. I'd say tell your husband and take it from there but I doubt that'll happen. At least read some other threads to gain some perspective.
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Old 27th February 2019, 1:43 PM   #12
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So, you've described this affair using the words:

- looking for validation
- heartbroken

If you want to end this pain and end this affair then you have to take a good look at your own words and realize how voluntary the whole thing is.

I'm not an OW but the view from the outside is that what you are calling love is merely an addiction. What you call validation is just a distraction.

What you call "heartbreak" is the dichotomy between your fantasy of this man and the reality of the experience. There isn't any real connection or love with him and that manifests as jealousy of his wife.

Roller coasters are made for everyone. It's a thrill ride while you're on it and when you get off it might be all headaches and vomit. If this is you - then why are you still in the ticket line?

You can't see your life for what is real while diving the big coaster drop, and you can't be there for your kids while you're emotionally vomiting. Who do you want to be?

Last edited by Turning point; 27th February 2019 at 1:48 PM..
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Old 27th February 2019, 5:00 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daisy1776 View Post
Almost two years later I sit here brokenhearted. Nobody thinks it will happen to them but it does and it has to been one of the worst times in my life...
I hope I can get through to just one person because I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy!
Two years since the start, but only 3 months since the end if I read your posts correctly.

Believe that getting over this stuff takes months not weeks for most if the feelings were real. You might try IC as well, but the real healer is time. Distractions help during the process, as will focusing on the other people in your life who bring you joy (friends as well as family).

NC with the AP and resolving that it is truly and completely over also help - although it sounds like you have done that already.
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Old 27th February 2019, 5:20 PM   #14
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It takes a really long time, Daisy. How do you get through it? You just do. It's hard, it hurts. But that's the consequences of making bad choices.

It will only be worse if you let it keep going on. And yes, he's likely to come back so you will have the choice to continue.

Put your focus on your marriage and decide what you want to do about it without the distraction of another man. Hanging on to your husband and someone else's as well (when he comes back) is selfish and cowardly. So is hanging on to your husband and pining for another man even if he's not around.

I know it's harsh, but realizing the truth of that is your first step.
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Old 27th February 2019, 5:33 PM   #15
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I once read an article by a professional that deals with this. He stated that sometimes people become addicted to the person they are having the affair with. He cited many cases where the wife was discovered and despite breaking off the affair and knowing the consequences if caught, went back to the guy over and over again.

The solution for one couple was to pack up and move far out of State. The man and women gave up their jobs to save their marriage and moved thousands of miles away. You may be addicted and need professional help.
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