gwen uk Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 I don't want judgement so please don't judge me. I will cut to my question as quickly as I can. I am a 45 year old woman who had a 12 month EA and PA with a 50 year old MM. He recently had a d-day when his wife found some of our messages on his phone. He denied there had been a physical element to the relationship and she believed him. I had always known he did not want to break up his family, he has 3 teenage children who mean the world to him and he never wanted to have to enter the world of co-parenting etc. For the first 2 weeks he stayed with a friend, at his wife's request, and he has been back in his marital home for the last 7 weeks. I know I'm sounding cold and factual, but the reality was we believed we were very much in love, we lived in a wonderful fantasy world which was totally addictive and all encompassing, it was never just about sex, neither of us had done anything like this before and at the time it felt very real - it was never something either of us took lightly. So back to my question. After d-day he was very much in shock and naturally devastated, none of his children wanted anything to do with him and I think it was this that broke him the most. We decided, over many tears, that we wouldn't talk for a couple of months so he could try to rebuild his family, then we would check in to see how each other was getting on. That didn't happen, firstly because I found it too hard (remember no judgement please) and then when I broke down and said it was just hurting me too much to keep on talking with him when nothing would ever be the same again and we needed to go NC, he broke the contact with me - neither of us seemed strong enough to stay away even though the hurt was almost unbearable. Back to the present day, 9 weeks post d-day, we are now texting regularly each day - maybe 10 or so texts each, but the nature of the texts are strange. Its not dissimilar to how I would talk to a friend, or like in the very very tentative stages of our relationship where we were walking in careful circles around each other, a gentle fondness but nothing intimate. What does he want? Why does he stay in touch like this? I don't believe this is about keeping me as plan B as, much to my shame and embarrassment, early in the break up when I was having a partial break down myself I made it clear to him I would be here for him in any capacity he wanted. Again, please no judgement, I've seen posters chased off this board before when they come for help and support and instead get a torrent of abuse and how they should be ashamed and repentant. I'm not mentally strong enough for that now, I just need to try to understand what on earth is going on in his mind and what he wants. He has said he never wants us to lose touch, we've talked about meeting up for a drink and a proper conversation, but we've also acknowledged things will never be the same, and since d-day the conversation has always remained at that very platonic level, and he instigates the contact as much as I do. It feels so misplaced when I think of all the intimate things we've said and done with each other. We are both from large and very traditional Irish families, so there is also an element here of the shame we could bring upon our families. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 What does he want? To be the same POS cakeeater he's always been once things cool down so he can get his strange and hopefully not get caught again because he doesn't really care about his wife or family half as much as he cares about himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 How did you meet? Link to post Share on other sites
lolita888 Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 It's either he wanted to make sure that you will always be "his" -even if you assured him that, he still need to make sure you won't move on while he's gone. OR He's trying to move on - in his own way. As they said, these A's are usually addictive and often times, there's that "withdrawal" once the A has to stop. I think even he, himself is going through that withdrawal. So in order to control that withdrawal he's trying to stay in contact with you but still while being careful. It's like a "slowly but surely" kind of way of moving on. Me and my ex-partner (not MM) of 8 years did this after R dwindled and we fell out of love with each other. We knew we no longer in love with each other and we no longer feel the same way for each other. But we have been together for so long, we became part of each other's life and it's not like the r was bad or that we treated each other badly. It's just that... we just outgrew each other and fell out of love. But we were too attached to each other, when we decided to let go and do the NC we keep coming back to each other. Then he decided to end it and go NC and just when I was trying to move on he came back. In the end, we talked and realized that what we have no is just attachment to each other. The "sudden" - NC is just too much of a shock too sudden to the point that it became unbearable to think of each other as no longer being part of each other's life. Going on our own way. So we stayed in contact and slowly...slowly we were able to move on. We are still friends but we no longer contact each other as much as we used to. I think that he must be doing the same. The withdrawal is too much and the NC is too sudden. He feel relieve that he still have you but he may slowly be able to move on without having to deal with the withdrawal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gwen uk Posted March 21, 2019 Author Share Posted March 21, 2019 Orokotikki - you may be right, but I question that. During one of our earlier conversations when my head was all over the place I said something like "if we will never be together again in anything other than a platonic friendship please just leave me alone to grieve and stop contacting me, I cannot bear the pain". To which he responded "I can't put anyone through this again, I'm sorry, if that's what you want I'll leave you alone". We both cried a lot. I cannot recall who contacted who again first after that. Starswillshine - we met properly at a work event but had known of each other through work before that (we work in different offices, different cities). Link to post Share on other sites
Author gwen uk Posted March 21, 2019 Author Share Posted March 21, 2019 Thank you Lolita - that really struck a chord with me - and the sad thing is, I don't even know what I feel anymore. Apart from a sadness which I just cannot shake x Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamer2017 Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 Dear Gwen, Are you married? Link to post Share on other sites
pa2k Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 Hi Gwen, A lot of the responses seem harsh, but not because the posters are judging your actions, most were in the same position, and it is hard but easier to rip off the bandaid and get the cold water splashed on your face than waste years longing for something not tangible. It's like, how ex drug addicts are the harshest to people just getting into it....They saw hell and don't want to see others in it as well. That said, He wants to keep you around. It feeds his ego knowing you are waiting for him. He doesn't want to get hot and heavy right away because he could get caught again and the heat is still on him. Unfortunately, it's not about his "love" for you, but his ego can't let go. It's amazing how when something is forbidden (in your case many ways, your religious family upbringing, the fact he's a MM, etc) how much more passionate and written in the stars and destined your love seems. When DH and I were dating, his parents were dead set against him dating a white girl (he's Asian) and they tried to come between us all the time...It was like Romeo and Juliet, the passion, the infatuation, the feeling like it was us against the world and nobody could ever understand how magical and special our love could be, etc...After some years married, his family retired and moved across the country. We never see or hear from them, so the forbidden and taboo element is gone. Without the dangerous element or the feeling of it being us against the world, the passion and obsession died down. The forbidden element made it so much more addictive and appealing. Being in an A is the same way....He is chained to his marriage, but his love for you burns, it's passionate, it's forbidden and you've never felt this way before.....but it's not reality. I think you already know that though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gwen uk Posted March 21, 2019 Author Share Posted March 21, 2019 Dreamer - yes I am. And I know that presents a whole host of other issues that I need to think about x Pa2k - thank you for your insights, a lot of that resounds with me. I really do appreciate all of the thoughts and support from people on here x Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 gwen uk, have you had your own d-day? We can't know what's going on in his mind, other than he intends to maintain his marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 yeah, what a wonderful father and overall man he is:rolleyes: waht's the mystery here? his behvaior has already shown you everything you need to know. Madam, men who are great fathers ( and women who are great mothers) put their kids first. They do not risk their children's stability and home life by having an affair. Does this mean they stay in an unhappy home? Of course not. Great parents in that situation divorce as amicably a possible. An affair makes that much more difficult, and I'm sorry, but unless she lived under a stone somewhere and never read, watched TV or goes online, he already knew this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 (edited) Clearly, his children do not mean the world to him because the fact that he was discovered and his children are not speaking to him is not deterrent enough to end this relationship. Love is selfless. If you truly loved this man, you would not be complicit in behaviour that puts his family and his relationship with his children at risk - especially considering that he has told you he has no desire to leave his family. If you truly loved this man, you would support him in rebuilding and protecting his relationship with his children. To do this, you would need to END this affair, not just take a brief hiatus before resuming the very behaviour that has threatened the stability of his family and the relationships with his children - relationships that he says he values more than anything. The fact that you failed to do that, is actually very selfish and UNLOVING. Why he continues to stay in contact with you, I can not even begin to explain. There is absolutely nothing that would come between me and my children. I can only imagine that it’s the same selfish entitlement that allowed him to ever engage in an extramarital affair in the first place... Edited March 21, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 I He's trying to move on - in his own way. As they said, these A's are usually addictive and often times, there's that "withdrawal" once the A has to stop. I think even he, himself is going through that withdrawal. So in order to control that withdrawal he's trying to stay in contact with you but still while being careful. It's like a "slowly but surely" kind of way of moving on. Think the term you're looking for is titrate down which I agree might be what he is trying to do. OP, if you're serious about ending this then I think the less contact the better. In keeping with the titrate down approach, go from 10 texts a day (that's quite a lot BTW!) to 8 then 5 then 2, then 1, then one every 2 days etc. IF you want to do that, tell him that's the plan and ask that he not keep initiating contact. Don't see him in person or minimize it if it's unavoidable - I think it's going to re-trigger a lot of your emotions. This bar meeting for a "proper conversation" sounds like a bad idea to me, even if the intent is closure. I have to wonder - what's his wife going to think if she sees the texts? (From her perspective) maybe you two are talking in some kind of code? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 You are building up to Dday#2. He is keeping you on the back burner. OW, especially one who sticks around after dday, are hard to find for many men and once they find one they don't really want to let go. atm you are shoring up his marriage, and once he feels safer again the PA will resume. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 atm you are shoring up his marriage, and once he feels safer again the PA will resume. I have to agree. It seems to be only a matter of time. You are building up to Dday #2 I also agree. Because, now she is on to you. She is going to be watching him. And, when she sees your texts... who knows how she will respond this time. Perhaps she will tell your husband. Are you prepared to lose your family? Are you prepared to cost him his marriage and his relationship with his children? Because, continue as you have been doing and it’s more likely to happen than not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LIRR88 Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t know why they insist they wanna “stay friends”. Like others mentioned, probably to have you available when things calm down. He’s chosen the wife and kids, that’s what they almost all do even though they claim to be so miserable at home. I know how much it sucks. I haven’t been acknowledged by my MM for 10 days now. It started with we could still be friends and i’ll always be there for you to I don’t have time for you anymore, the tone of the text messages changed also. Same excuses, my mom is sick, i have so much anxiety, I can’t leave my daughter etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 (edited) Keep in mind that his wife is likely going to be hyper-vigilant now and will eventually find out that he has broken NC. When that happens, expect all hell to break loose. His betrayed wife will likely reach out to your husband, so get yourself ready for that. Plan out what life will be like as a divorced adulteress. I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't want to sugar coat it either. Reality always intrudes on the fantasy eventually as it did for my wayward wife. I was betrayed by my wife who had a brief but intense affair with a co-worker years ago. I can tell you that your husband will be devastated beyond anything you can ever imagine and I'm kind of surprised that you are so blind to that. Edited March 21, 2019 by Zona 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 22, 2019 Share Posted March 22, 2019 What does he want? He wants you to be quiet! Stay in your corner and don’t mess up his married life! How’s the no judgment working out for you? He’s using you! He will always use you as long as you ALLOW it! He wants his wife and family WAY more than you! And he’s a liar and a cheater... who ignores you to save face. Why would YOU want a man that treats you so poorly? Why wouldn’t you choose to date an available man? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bmh Posted March 22, 2019 Share Posted March 22, 2019 He chose to stay with his wife. But he still wants to cheat. It’s easier to restart an affair than it is to groom another woman. So he does this LC thing you got going on. Once the dust settles I’m sure he will be back full throttle. Why? Because you’ve proven you aren’t going anywhere. Easy peasy for him. My own personal opinon. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 22, 2019 Share Posted March 22, 2019 Why would you want him? That’s the better question. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 22, 2019 Share Posted March 22, 2019 I know this all feels different and special, however, it's not. It's all very common. He has had a d-day his goal is to stay married, so he has to distance himself from you while his wife is being vigilant and watchful. Once its settled down in his home he will look to resume the physical aspects. What does he want? Status quo, his marriage and you on the side. As far as your comment about us running posters off. Well that happens because people come here having only really talked to the affair partner about the affair, in these conversations with both people having maintaining their relationship as the primary goal, are for a lack of a better word, delusional. The logic is irrational and the thinking is what you would expect from teenagers. Once challenged on the mindset they get defensive try to manipulate us (selling snake oil to a room of snake oil salesmen) when it doesn't work and they dont like what we are saying they run. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamer2017 Posted March 22, 2019 Share Posted March 22, 2019 Gwen, As you stated earlier, you are married. Why are you not concerned with your Husband and Kids (if you have kids). You haven't mentioned once about saving your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 22, 2019 Share Posted March 22, 2019 Gwen, As you stated earlier, you are married. Why are you not concerned with your Husband and Kids (if you have kids). You haven't mentioned once about saving your marriage. Nor anything about her husband.. This all makes me sad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 22, 2019 Share Posted March 22, 2019 She talks about large Irish families, but doesn’t actually say she is married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamer2017 Posted March 22, 2019 Share Posted March 22, 2019 She does mention she is married. Please look at her earlier response to my question. Link to post Share on other sites
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