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When the affair fog lifts


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 16th March 2019, 3:38 AM   #1
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When the affair fog lifts

Iíve been on and off this site for over a year. And my posts were dark and depressing of a woman in a failed marriage attached to a MM who was a serial cheater. That cocktail didnít mix well for my emotional state. I was in a constant state of anxiety and desperation of when heíd call/text and in constant state of fear of the inevitable day heíd finally leave. Deep down I always knew heíd go. But I used excuses to think I was different, to think I actually meant something to him. And I convinced myself so well. He too convinced me. Threw around the words ďI love youĒ and all the other lies they tell. And I ate it up. And I made myself the victim of a manipulative man. I failed to see the role I was playing. The pathetic doe who couldnít get up on her own two feet and walk away. He wasnít holding me back. He always left that door open for me. Heíd say ďIím not making you do anything, if you donít want this I wonít chase youĒ. Heíd say other things to make me think otherwise but he always threw that out there. So I took the role of the victim and I took his breadcrumbs and I showered this man with love and ego boosts and I even lent him money. And then one day in the blink of an eye with no warning... no argument the night before... no reason... he just stopped. Stopped his routine he had for a year. Calling, texting daily. He just stopped. And when I asked what was wrong he blamed me For being dramatic. And that was it. My anxieties and my fears were finally here.
And I was left to pick up the pieces. Of a broken heart and a bruised ego... and an empty bank account. And there was no one to blame but myself. I wonít hate myself for loving. I wonít hate myself for trusting. I wonít hate myself for who I was in that affair. I learned a lot about myself and about other people. And I wonít hate him for not loving me either.
The affair fog lifts and things are a lot more clear. Sometimes too clear that you donít want to look at it in the face. But you have to. And itís painful. And itís humbling. But itís better than being trapped under the fog.
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Old 16th March 2019, 12:29 PM   #2
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Nice to see you again grasshopper.

If I may, you sound more realistic and stronger in this post than any other I have ever read from you. Iím glad.

I will ask, with kindness, what are you going to do about your marriage? Are you sticking it out still, or has this newfound clarity and confidence encouraged you to deal with the other problems in your life and see a different, a better path for yourself...
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Old 16th March 2019, 1:59 PM   #3
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Sometimes, the most impregnate changes a person makes have a very high price.
You're taking a very smart tack. Instead of letting this bring you down, you are choosing to learn and grow from it.
That will stead you in good stead.
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Old 16th March 2019, 3:44 PM   #4
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Itís a struggle. Iím not obsessed as I had been before but I still think of him and wonder why he did what he did. And how he could have done it. But I understand Iíll never get an answer. And I really donít deserve one. I knew what I was walking into. I knew that I had no right to any expectations. In a way I am glad that itís happened. Itís much more peaceful living during the day without wondering why he hasnít called/text and wondering if today is that day.

As far as my marriage. Itís over for me and Iíve told him. Which was very hard for me to say. I am a people pleaser and I avoid all things confrontational but I had to tell him. This affair didnít make me fall out of love. I was already out of love when I walked into the affair. I did it the coward way. So now I work on ending a marriage the healthiest way I possibly can.

This is not a happy ending for me. I realize I have so many issues to work on. And likely these past couple of years will come back and haunt me as guilt and shame.
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Old 16th March 2019, 4:03 PM   #5
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Put all the attention you gave the MM into yourself, into understanding yourself and healing.

Divorce is difficult, but just like the affair being over, let it make you smarter and stronger.

Being single and free from toxic relationships can be a great place to be. Focus on healing so that you can get to the point you can see that.
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Old 16th March 2019, 5:08 PM   #6
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This is not a happy ending for me. I realize I have so many issues to work on.
Well, that is a matter of perspective. It may not be the ďhappy endingĒ that you imagined... As hard as it must be, ending your affair and finding the stregnth to get out of a toxic marriage seem like a pretty happy ending to me. It allows for the possibility of a new path, a path to self discovery that may just include a healthy relationship. And that, would be a happy ending indeed!
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Old 16th March 2019, 7:28 PM   #7
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I remember you. And agree with BaileyB. Keep on going, you are doing great! Keep walking through this pain to get to the other side and on to your new and better life. I wish you all the best!
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Old 16th March 2019, 7:41 PM   #8
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I actually had wondered what had happened to you and to BrokenandHopeless because the three of us had the most similar situations (and I would now add Naivewoman to that group).

I know this is hard to always see but him ghosting you is SUCH a blessing in disguise. It's the only way you will ever be able to move on. Signed, somebody who is still caught up in the desperate cycle.

In all honesty, he probably did move on to somebody new . He may be a predator who cycles through women and casts the old ones aside. I know mine is, but the only difference is that he places all of the old ones on the back back burner. Which is honestly worse.
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Old 19th March 2019, 9:58 AM   #9
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I too agree once the affair fog lifts you are in a much better place. Especially when you realize they were not nearly as emotionally attached. Then you realize the length of time and energy wasted on this. A trainwreck wairing to happen before it even begins. What bothers me the most is I still HAD to experience it to understand it. Ladies it will be great again because we were not phoney or fake with how we felt... was it wrong ofcourse it was but it was no illusion either. I would have never have suffered the way I did if it were an illusion. If they lied with the way they felt and etc. And truly did use us for their personal gain well then they will never grow and always need that void filled. No one will be enough for them no matter how loving their partners are to them. If it was for extra sex then they will always need it. Good riddance to the negative emotions. Fight through it!! I never want to be at that dark place again.
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Old 26th March 2019, 1:14 PM   #10
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MM called to talk and tell me how he missed hearing my voice and how he meant everything he ever said. And to tell me heís met someone new but wants to see me. I asked him for what. He of course said for sex. I told him Iím sure he had no problem getting that from other women.
So here I am starting from the beginning as if the NC just started and all those abandonment and rejection and sadness feelings are fresh and new.
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Old 26th March 2019, 1:22 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
MM called to talk and tell me how he missed hearing my voice and how he meant everything he ever said. And to tell me heís met someone new but wants to see me. I asked him for what. He of course said for sex. I told him Iím sure he had no problem getting that from other women.
So here I am starting from the beginning as if the NC just started and all those abandonment and rejection and sadness feelings are fresh and new.
Join the club grasshopper!! Its very selfish on his part!! I'm so sorry this happened to you!
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Old 26th March 2019, 1:37 PM   #12
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MM called to talk and tell me how he missed hearing my voice and how he meant everything he ever said. And to tell me heís met someone new but wants to see me. I asked him for what. He of course said for sex. I told him Iím sure he had no problem getting that from other women.
So here I am starting from the beginning as if the NC just started and all those abandonment and rejection and sadness feelings are fresh and new.
Perhaps you should believe him this time. NC only works if you fully apply it.
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Old 26th March 2019, 1:47 PM   #13
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Hey, at least he was honest!
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Old 26th March 2019, 3:08 PM   #14
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Yes I appreciated his honesty. And I was proud of myself that I didnít agree to meet him. The me before would have dropped everything to see him.
He gave me an opportunity to tell him what I needed to say. I donít know if thatís considered closure.
It hurts a whole lot but it hurts less than the alternative.
I can only take it one day at a time.
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Old 26th March 2019, 3:23 PM   #15
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Yes I appreciated his honesty. And I was proud of myself that I didn’t agree to meet him. The me before would have dropped everything to see him.
He gave me an opportunity to tell him what I needed to say. I don’t know if that’s considered closure.
It hurts a whole lot but it hurts less than the alternative.
I can only take it one day at a time.
grass-hopper, every one of your posts in this thread sounds strong and great to me!

You are one smart lady to move on as you're doing.
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