Jump to content

How long until NC becomes bearable?


Recommended Posts

If you are an OW who successfully ended an A by implementing NC with the MM, how long did it take for you to start to feel better rather than worse?

I am now 9 days without any contact with MM. And I am so grateful to so many people on this forum for giving me the strength not only to realize that this was necessary but also, after many many months of reading your stories, finally having the courage to try to break away myself.

Since we only saw each other about once a month, all this really means is no email (plus no prospect of seeing him to look forward to). But each day since our last contact (which was over the phone), I feel worse and worse, and more and more tempted to email him, even though there are a million reasons not to (not the least of which is that he is happily married and has never been able to make me a priority).

And I read on here many times that "no new contact means no new hurt", but I have to say every day that goes by without an email from him is in fact a "new hurt" and an additional rejection (though I suppose I give him credit for respecting my boundaries for once, which he did not do during my last feeble attempt at trying to end things about 6 months ago)

I know that I am an addict in the deep throws of withdrawal, but when will it get remotely better? Because right now, I can't say that this pain of NC is less than the pain of having contact with him, even as unsatisfying and frustrating and painful as the situation had gotten.

 

(moderator - please don't move this to the general break-up section because I am specifically looking for input from other OW who have ended affairs through no contact).

Link to post
Share on other sites
NotADayGoesBy

Good for you for going NC. That must be so hard to do when the AP is fine continuing. I find it hard to not personally (as opposed to work) contact mine and that’s knowing he doesn’t want that.

 

Since I work with mine I can’t give you an answer to your question. But what I can tell you is you are better off suffering through the pain now. If you contact him you will feel better—temporally. But then it’s back to withdrawal and a constant cycle of up and down. I go through this constantly, and in fact had to see xAP today. Now I feel weepy and sad and awful Just as I start to feel better I’ll have to see him and the cycle starts again. After doing a cost/benefit analysis of quitting, I’ve decided I have to stay and tough it out, and I see now it’s going to be a very looong tough road.

 

I recently did a lot of reading on intermittent reinforcement and being obsessed with someone romantically. It didn’t all fit my situation, but there were enough points of information here and there that gave me a little comfort. Especially how when you are obsessed with someone (I can’t stop thinking about him so I figured that qualifies) you are really wanting them to save you from something that is wrong/hurting within yourself. I think for me that is loneliness and a sense of disconnect. I really have no good reason to feel that way, but I do.

 

I hope you get some supportive feedback. Lately the feedback seems to be very harsh and judgmental. Do we all need a dose of reality and some judgement? Yes, absolutely. But I feel like there are some posters who came to LS for support and got run off by the harsh responses. For some people this is the only place they can come for support and to know they aren’t alone.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It takes a long time Aloha.

 

I only went three months NC before I had to deal with seeing xMM on a weekly basis (details in my thread, I refused to quit a social activity important to me just because he became part of it). For the last three months I haven't been truly NC because he's in my general space but I avoid eye contact and never speak to him, even to respond when he says hi to me (which he still tries).

 

So six months apart, only three truly NC, but I still think about him every day and still cry at times. But I can't imagine ever having anything to do with him again. So I guess that's something.

 

Sorry I can't give you better expectations, but I think it's helpful to know it's not a short journey. So don't get discouraged, keep pushing forward.

 

It may not hurt any less right now than staying in the affair, but that's only temporary. You have to go through a rough patch before it starts getting better. But it will. As you said, you are in withdrawal right now. That won't last forever. Things WILL get better, but NOT if you stay in the affair.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Good for you for going NC. That must be so hard to do when the AP is fine continuing. I find it hard to not personally (as opposed to work) contact mine and that’s knowing he doesn’t want that.<snip>

 

Although technically AP was "fine continuing" only because it required almost nothing of him to email me when he was bored and meet up with me every now and then when he felt like making the time. So I really didn't feel like I had that much of a choice left but to call a spade a spade and say this is not something worth continuing (we lasted almost exactly 2 years, which is WAY longer than it should have, but that is just because I settled for whatever few bread crumbs he was willing to throw my way).

 

I know what you mean about the judgment. I really hesitated to post this for that exact reason, especially because I have started more than one thread that literally had to be shut down by the moderator because the responses were so nasty. And yes it did drive me away from posting on loveshack for quite a while, so I'm not really sure what purpose was served by the vitriolic responses. Which isn't to say that the tough love responses are not warranted, but they are much more meaningful when they are coming from somebody who has been there, done that, rather than just sitting in judgment for entertainment's sake.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
<snip>Sorry I can't give you better expectations, but I think it's helpful to know it's not a short journey. So don't get discouraged, keep pushing forward.

 

It may not hurt any less right now than staying in the affair, but that's only temporary. You have to go through a rough patch before it starts getting better. But it will. As you said, you are in withdrawal right now. That won't last forever. Things WILL get better, but NOT if you stay in the affair.

 

Yes I suppose I should count my blessings that our lives have zero overlap in "real life". I can't even imagine having to see him in person while trying to do NC, except maybe to reinforce that things really are over?? At least you say you can't imagine being involved with him again, which I would definitely count as progress!

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote
Link to post
Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8

Hi Aloha,

 

I'm sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I went through that pain from December through to this past weekend, although we were still communicating and LC for at least half the time. I spent the time apart really revisiting all the pain, all the things that were hurtful.

 

The first 7 months, I was the priority. We saw each other 4, 5 and sometimes 6 times a week. We spent a couple of hours a day on the phone and messaged in between. He always chose me over his wife. We were planning a future. Slowly I started to notice changes, after that birthday letter he shared with me in November. Where it was bliss, it started to hurt more being apart. Finally, even being together didn't help because of all the words and deeds that didn't add up.

 

We are now 3 full days NC and I feel sad, disappointed and relieved. Sad because what was once bliss was an illusion and now gone. Disappointed that yet again I chose wrong and that I was a fool to ever believe a man who cheated and lied would treat me any differently. He told his wife OVER TEXT he didn't love her during one of their exchanges when he was at mine so it was no shock when he told me over text he quite possibly couldn't leave in the end. That was the last straw. I had enough of the back and forth and unleashed a flurry of texts telling him he was a manipulative, lying cheater and was no prize so his wife was welcome to him. I doubt he will contact me again.

 

I'm relieved not to be waiting for the next text, call or stolen hours. All this to say, I focused on the negatives and the pain during the last couple of months. I focused on all the things that demonstrated he would not be a good partner. I thought about how I wanted to be treated and how much compromise I would need to make in a life with him. And I acknowledged that I not only wanted and needed more, I deserve more and better.

 

It's been hell the last couple of months. The last 3 days have been decent actually because I did a lot of self talk in the previous few months. I can't even think about the first 6-8 months because those memories are so tainted and don't feel real anymore. I have no urge to call or text. I'm done. I think the key is to ignore the positive because it wasn't real. It was illusion. Focus on the negatives, what made it painful. Tell yourself you are worth better and deserve better. Because you do.

 

Hugs ? Kat

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Hi Aloha,

 

 

It's been hell the last couple of months. The last 3 days have been decent actually because I did a lot of self talk in the previous few months. I can't even think about the first 6-8 months because those memories are so tainted and don't feel real anymore. I have no urge to call or text. I'm done. I think the key is to ignore the positive because it wasn't real. It was illusion. Focus on the negatives, what made it painful. Tell yourself you are worth better and deserve better. Because you do.

 

Hi LKK - yes I know your whole story - I have been following it obsessively, lol! I cannot tell you how much I learned from your honest and very transparent struggle, and well as from all of the people trying to help you see the light. I got more out of that thread than you'll know. And to see you now finally implementing NC at the same time as me, I'm just very grateful for this forum.

 

Yes, that is a very good point about having to face the fact that we were living in a fantasy and that is what we must extract ourselves from.

 

One important distinction that you should give yourself credit for, you only allowed yourself to get sucked in based on his misleading you about his intentions of leaving, and as soon as you started to see the light you quickly came to your senses. So in that way, you have much higher standards than me, because my MM made it be known from day one that he was happily married and had no intention of leaving, and yet I still settled for bread crumbs for 2 years!

Edited by Aloha123
Link to post
Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8

 

One important distinction that you should give yourself credit for, you only allowed yourself to get sucked in based on his misleading you about his intentions of leaving, and as soon as you started to see the light you quickly came to your senses. So in that way, you have much higher standards than me, because my MM made it be known from day one that he was happily married and had no intention of leaving, and yet I still settled for bread crumbs for 2 years!

 

Remember though that we both started off saying that we had no intention of changing our home situations. We were both clear it was a distraction and respite from the drudgery of our marriages. I left my husband for reasons that had nothing to do with Tom. I didn't leave for him. Then he started to talk about us and so forth. But his was still a ship somewhat afloat while mine had sunk. I knew, and he acknowledged, his wanting to leave was at least partially FOR me. have no idea why he even started down that path. I had no expectations and knew he wasn't leaving and accepted that. And you leave a marriage because it isn't right for you, not FOR someone else. I should have known that. Why I actually believed him is beyond me. Maybe it's because he took steps and actions that led me to that conclusion.

 

Despite all that, I should have continued believing his first statements about leaving. In the end, it's clear his marriage is at least tolerable and his feelings for me if he ever had any were not strong enough. So yes, I blame myself for believing his change of heart. That's what made it so difficult. Because there was a time he showed by actions he meant it, until he started to slowly backtrack.

 

My point is, remember leaving for each other was never the plan. You hardly see each other. It no longer works. It gives you more pain than pleasure. So what are you really giving up? Pain, emails and possible discovery. Think about the reality of it. Think about what it would mean to be discovered. Think about what you need and deserve. In short, think about you. You deserve better. You deserve to be treated well, loved and respected. We all do. Is he worthy of your affection and angst? If he isn't then remind yourself of that every time you get hurt.

 

Right now your heart and your head are in conflict. Your head will prevail - mind over matter. But you must focus on what's wrong with this picture.

 

Be strong. Be resolute. You CAN do it.

Edited by LilKatKat
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

My point is, remember leaving for each other was never the plan. You hardly see each other. It no longer works. It gives you more pain than pleasure. So what are you really giving up? Pain, emails and possible discovery. Think about the reality of it. Think about what it would mean to be discovered. Think about what you need and deserve. In short, think about you. You deserve better. You deserve to be treated well, loved and respected. We all do. Is he worthy of your affection and angst? If he isn't then remind yourself of that every time you get hurt.

 

Right now your heart and your head are in conflict. Your head will prevail - mind over matter. But you must focus on what's wrong with this picture. .

 

That is all GREAT advice! I am going to read it over and over.

Link to post
Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8
That is all GREAT advice! I am going to read it over and over.

 

Yeah I give great advice, not so good at taking it myself lol. Hawaii should have been the end of it. I had just come back. I mean NO ONE goes to Hawaii to break up. I knew that. But I bought in to his garbage about wanting to prove to her there was nothing left. What a crock. So I dragged it out at least 4 weeks longer than I should have. 2 weeks after his return. But I had to get there on my own. Same for you. You will get there in your time. Key I think is to keep telling yourself all the reasons why the end is good for you.

 

What are you really missing compared to what you are losing besides sleep, self respect and precious moments you'll never get back. I also reminded myself, especially while he was in Hawaii, that while I was hurting, he was living his life and doing things he enjoys. Like right now, he is just finishing a workout with his daughter. Doubt he is thinking about me. Just remember that. Just like your MM is enjoying his wife and kids right now. Highly unlikely he is sitting around pining for you. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's more likely true than not.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Ladies - Your last few posts were really great. I’ve tried to keep at the forefront what I’ve “lost” as well and it does help. The last 6 months of my A were pure hell for so many reasons. For the most part, I haven’t felt like breaking NC in the slightest because that hurt is all still very fresh.

 

I am at 10 weeks and in a few days it will be the longest we’ve ever gone without communicating. I don’t know if that is what is triggering to me or what, but this has been a really hard week for me and for the first time I’ve had paralyzing thoughts of reaching out. Just the thought of it almost makes me sick, but there is some odd pull. I know it’s not the popular thing to say in this forum, that I should be only focusing on my family, but some days just crush me. I don’t know what else to do but just say it.

 

I pray for the day I could care less and wish you both the same peace.

 

OP - I cant recall, are you married?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

 

OP - I cant recall, are you married?

 

Yes -- it's a roommate situation. At the time I started the A, my husband and I had not had sex in 3 years (and no, I can say with 100% certainty that my H is not having an affair himself -- he is just somewhat asexual and very sexually repressed, and is WAY to honest to ever do that). I know that MW who have affairs are sometimes accused of engaging in revisionist history to justify their actions, but the lack of sex preceded the affair for 3 full years and that is just an objective, indisputable fact.

 

So anyway, at the beginning of my A, it really was about the sex and passion for me, and it truly did bring me back to life. Ironically, for the MM, it was not exclusively about sex, since he gets plenty of it at home and he is incredibly charismatic and good looking so he would have no problem finding somebody to have sex with closer to home (We live 100 miles apart). For him, he is a narcissist who just needs to be adored and basically needs the distraction to keep his life interesting (which why he was content primarily just emailing). I was not his first affair and won't be his last.

 

I'm not sure my marriage will survive for much longer, and after exploring the issue in IC for over a year, I'm not sure I necessarily want it to. If/when my husband finds out, regardless of from me or by accident, I can again say with 100% certainty that we would be instantly divorced, not so much that he would be jealous, but he is as honest as they come and the lack of honesty would be something he would never tolerate.

 

We have one 10 year old child who has special needs. I am staying mainly for her. Yes I know that is not a "good" reason, but I am just being honest that that is in fact what keeps me in this marriage, for now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Oh gosh I just read this on another thread, and it describes my husband almost exactly. He is a brilliant, kind man but the following definitely applies:

"Gb83, your husband is like mine. Workaholic, ... not needing time with you, not really interested in sex, not doing anything special, etc. Sounds like Asperger's personality type. Look it up."

 

Anyway, I don't want to digress too much about my husband, because he is a kind person who obviously does not deserve any of this and no amount of problems with the marriage or with his disposition justify any of my actions. At all. I get that. He is a better person than me and obviously has lightyears more integrity than the mm as well.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Ok last point about the affair, even though the sex and lust are what drew me, I, in true OW form, fell head over heels "in love" with him, and became completely infatuated, preoccupied, and obsessed (which I have had a tendency to do with men my entire life)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Aloha, I'm an OM, not an OW, but would like to chime in. Mine was an EA and I was definitely emotionally involved. Cried 100+ times over AP and at one point was literally unable to breathe due to limerence, so I get it.

 

Anyhow, think the bad news is it's going to be months, not weeks for the feelings to fade. With true NC probably 6 months, but it may be longer.

 

The good news is, as mentioned above, that it WILL fade and that there are many ways to distract oneself in the meantime. Suggest seeking all the (safe) distractions you can.

 

Hope it goes as well as possible for you...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Bittersweetie

Aloha, I can understand your question but I think sometimes what makes NC hard is that one looks at it as "forever." And frankly it's scary to look at any situation as forever! That's why I always recommend taking it one day at a time...because you can do NC for one day. You are strong enough for that. And then those days add up...to a week, a month, a year. Maybe get a calendar where you can X out days, to give you a visual of your progress.

 

A bearable NC timeline is probably different for everyone, and also probably depends on what one puts into it. Before my d-day, my NC was weak, I still googled and reached out occasionally, because I wasn't really committed or accountable. NC after my d-day? Completely different. I knew I had to make this work or my H was gone. That got me through the initial time period, and then I continued to stay NC for myself.

 

You are very early in the process, so please give yourself the gift of time and understanding...it will not always be like this. Will it be the same next week? Probably. Next month? Maybe. Next year? Probably not. But as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward, you will get there...you will.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
whatcomesnext

I like Bitterweetie’s advice here. Take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. I’ll tell you my experience, though for me I did not choose NC. In my case MM essentially ghosted me. Which is effectively forced NC. Though I did try to find out why and made feeble attempts to reengage with him for a time, it eventually became clear that he would never be caring or honest with me and I stopped trying. He really did erase me quite effectively. I still see him on a fairly regular basis because we are part of the same community/friend circle. We only speak when necessary for appearances and even then it is essentially nothing. With that background, it has taken me an extremely long time to begin to heal. It took a year for me to not cry every day. Things are much better now, closer to two years out, but I still have triggers and go through bouts of crying. It’s like grieving a death of a person in a way - the death of who I thought he was and what I thought would be. It was a major loss. I hope, given that this is your choice to go NC, the process will be less lengthy and complex for you. Mine has definitely been impacted by the element of abrupt abandonment by MM. I also have been in IC which I highly recommend. Like you my feelings were very intense, obsessive, extremely attached, extremely in love, etc. it was like the end of the world when he left so abruptly. I even had persistent and invasive thoughts of killing myself (never had those kinds of thoughts before in my life, completely uncharacteristic). Hopefully it never gets THAT bad for you, but regardless IC is a good idea when you are feeling so much hurt and need a neutral, non-judgmental ear. These situations can feel very isolating.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
NotADayGoesBy

 

We have one 10 year old child who has special needs. I am staying mainly for her. Yes I know that is not a "good" reason, but I am just being honest that that is in fact what keeps me in this marriage, for now.

 

People have stayed in bad marriages for way less. I have a special needs child too so I get it.

 

Hope you are doing better today. Thanks to interacting with xMM yesterday I'm having a hard time--the addiction is kicking in and kicking my a**. I find myself having to use Bittersweetie's advice about taking it one day at a time and keep telling myself that I can't control my feelings, but I can control my actions, which right now involves not finding an excuse to go see him or talk to him. One thing I struggle with is how it can still feel so bad after many months. BUT, I'm not in complete NC so I'm probably still stuck at some early stage of the process I guess.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

I know what you mean about the judgment. I really hesitated to post this for that exact reason, especially because I have started more than one thread that literally had to be shut down by the moderator because the responses were so nasty. And yes it did drive me away from posting on loveshack for quite a while, so I'm not really sure what purpose was served by the vitriolic responses. Which isn't to say that the tough love responses are not warranted, but they are much more meaningful when they are coming from somebody who has been there, done that, rather than just sitting in judgment for entertainment's sake.

 

If this is the case perhaps a therapist would be more helpful to you than a forum. On a forum all you do is talk about the AP which just keeps him on your mind. You need to direct your attention away from him. A therapist can help you with that. As long as you keep talking about him and thinking about him NC will be hard.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
If this is the case perhaps a therapist would be more helpful to you than a forum. On a forum all you do is talk about the AP which just keeps him on your mind. You need to direct your attention away from him. A therapist can help you with that. As long as you keep talking about him and thinking about him NC will be hard.

 

I do have a therapist and also a psychiatrist (for antidepressants), and have for over a year. It's how I have gotten to the point of being able to do NC to begin with. And also with examining the current state of my marriage.

 

But participating in the forum has also been crucial because the experience of being and OW/MW in an affair with a MM is a somewhat unique situation that I think only those who have experienced firsthand can truly speak to.

 

But I also totally agree with you that this forum can be enabling insofar as people just spin their wheels about the MM and get feedback about this, rather than focusing on themselves.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You have basically described my whole relationship with MM. We haven't been fully NC but in the last month have been on again off again. We didn't see each other often either. We live 75 miles apart. It was great in the beginning I truly believed with all my heart that we were going to be together one day. But then it changed overnight. I'm so mad at myself for loving him still!

 

I too have the same questions will it get easier. We will go a few days and he will send me a text and I will jump. I wish I could be stronger. Nine days seems like an eternity to me you are amazingly strong keep up the good work!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

 

I too have the same questions will it get easier. We will go a few days and he will send me a text and I will jump. I wish I could be stronger. Nine days seems like an eternity to me you are amazingly strong keep up the good work!

 

Hi Daisy -- to be clear, the only thing keeping me from breaking NC for now is that he has not contacted me, plus the pride of not wanting to be the one who contacts him. But hey, whatever works.

It took me over SIX months of reading this forum daily to finally get up the strength to do it. Give yourself some time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You have basically described my whole relationship with MM.

 

I just read your own thread again and TBH jealousy of mm's wife and their marriage overall (which even by his own accounts is pretty good) is what I finally felt like I could no longer tolerate. I tried not to give him a hard time about it (because if he did one thing right it was to set my expectations properly from the beginning that he was happily married and had no desire to leave), but it was eating away at me, and I just could not take being put on the backburner to that situation any longer. It was making me feel so bad about myself, and like a complete fool.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Aloha, it's me again!! Lol!! Your situation Is identical to mine. Hes happily married and I too hung onto emails. It's been 6 months and the pain still exists but it's much less intense now. I made myself suffer so much. I completely withdrew myself from my family. The strength I have each and everday is that I say yes not pining over me at all!! Hes living a full life with his family why should I suffer like this. So I force smiles at work, i force happiness because internally i felt like i was dying and that's not my personality. I'm normally the outgoing fiery one in the crowd always smiling. I WILL not let this man ruin ME. They dont deserve that!! We r stronger than this. My MM has returned just up to 2 weeks of light interaction. My walls are going up bigtime. I will never let him hurt me again. This was the most brutal experiences. It went from bliss to hell. He doesnt seem to be suffering so why will I. I miss him everday but no more cake eating. Hes not a GOD!!! I deserve way more than crumbs. I was equally obsessed and very very attached. I bailed at the worst time. My marriage was in shambles and so was this affair. I left at the lowest point in my life. You too can conquer this but it will be the most difficult feeling ever!! I'm sorry and I feel ur pain!!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...