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Maybe a classic OW post, but... do I wait?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 27th February 2019, 9:58 PM   #61
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Originally Posted by Gb83 View Post
Agree, I canít count on some amazing outcome with the MM, though all I know is that I really enjoy his company and feel oddly fulfilled by whatever relationship we have right now. Like, he calls or wants to see me every night even if just to get food, and somehow this makes me happy enough bc itís already more than my own husband has really ever given, attention or chemistry/passion wise?! I guess that shows how Aspbergerís-like he is?!

my question and focus is whether I can stand to stay attached to my husband who is just hardly present/is a workaholic, with whom Iíve never had any passion. I feel I could probably stay in the relationship if my sexual needs were met elsewhere but obviously my husband doesnít want an open relationship!
I am a very recent xOW. Please listen to me. My MM and I started our affair exactly 11 months ago - that's how long the affair lasted. It ended 3 days ago. We both said we only wanted a distraction and neither was going to leave their spouse. 3 months later I separated because of MY spouse. Not because of the affair. I have a very long thread on here - Never Thought I'd be the OW.

Don't make the mistake of conflating the issues around your marriage and the affair. Make a decision about the merits of staying or leaving based on its own set of facts. The MM should not be a factor. If your marriage is bad, get out. Trust me, as I found out, staying in a bad marriage for children does nothing good for them. Ask my daughter. She tells me she wishes we had separated earlier. But coming from a "broken home" I didn't want to do that to her. If only I had. My x blew up her sense of identity to hurt me. I will never forgive myself for waiting until he hurt her to do what I should have done years earlier.

As for MM, read my thread. Yes it's 60+ pages long but there's lots of good advice there that I did all sorts of gymnastics to dispel. We saw each other 4-6 times a week. He dropped everything when I needed him. He was always there for me. Until he wasn't. When I separated, he started talking about us "between now and forever" as life partners. Until his wife started to suspect he was having an affair and after (according to him) years of no affection, connection or attention, she went on an all out campaign to guilt him into staying and winning him back. He even went so far as to tell her and their adult kids he wanted to separate. And got the guilt trip. With birthdays and holidays at the end of the year, all the family time worked and I started to notice a slow but steady decline. In the end, I finally got him to admit, despite the fact he "prefers" to be with me, he isn't sure he can withstand the turmoil it would cause his family. I'd had enough of waiting and being patient and being strung along. It ended this past Sunday.

Spouses have LOTS of power. They have to do literally nothing because of kids, money, property and the marriage certificate. It takes actual ACTION to end the marriage. In the end, all the spouse has to do is pay some attention and more likely than not, that's all it takes. Even if MM loves you, if he can tolerate the spouse, odds are he'll stay. Because it's easier. Because it's known and comfortable. Because it takes no action. Because his wife is faithful, unlike you who are cheating with him, whether physically or only emotionally, you are still cheating. He Is cheating also, but that's him so it doesn't count. Like when I told MM maybe I should date. No way. He could have 2 women because he isn't sleeping with both (says him) but I would be cheating on HIM. Can you fathom the gall?

In the end, the spouse, if she finds out, may not stick around but she will for the time being just so you won't prevail. She won't give him up so easily, especially if this is the first time because she will be thinking about the kids and the money and the property. And despite what he says, odds are minuscule he will. That's what everyone tried to tell me. That's what I didn't want to hear.

You think he's perfect and supportive and your best friend? So did I. Until BS started her campaign. What I failed to acknowledge is that he was disrespecting her and their marriage as well as me by not doing the honourable thing and choosing one or the other. He was cruel to her; what I didn't acknowledge was he was also being cruel to me by making promises he deferred keeping. And some day, if you are "lucky enough" to snag him, he will do it to you. Instead of dealing with issues and problems like a mature adult, he will withdraw and find the next woman who needs him. How do you know? Well you can only go by past behaviour. He's doing it now with you. Why do you think he won't do it TO YOU?
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Old 27th February 2019, 10:08 PM   #62
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I agree. When someone starts spouting words about divorce, itís a death blow to the marriage. I had a friend who would tell me about how she and her husband would get into these huge fights (it happened about every 6 mos) and one or both of them would threaten divorce. I told her that saying those words to your partner is extremely damaging and they should never be said unless you intend to follow thru with it. Needless to say, the couple divorced. When I pointed out to her that they had those fights about every six months, she swore that they didnít. Her husband ended up cheating on her.
THIS ^^^^

For years my ex would pull out the suitcase and start packing when we had a fight and I would try to reason with him until he agreed to stay. Finally I told him the next time he does this he can follow through. He stopped. Then he found other ways to hurt me. After 25 years, he is now my ex. Threatening to leave isn't how to solve problems and shows an inability to do so. I ended up cheating before finally chucking him out. Sadly a lot of damage was done before that happened.
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Old 28th February 2019, 12:20 AM   #63
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Great advice as always. I’ve been friendly but refused further advances because I told him I’m not into a multiple-relationships thing. I mean at least I’d told my husband everything and then he asked for a divorce for weeks before anything physical. Who knows if MM has said a word like that to her and why the hell should I be available for any sexual pleasure if he’s done nothing “for me”- ie if I’m not the only woman? Any rational man should be able to understand that.
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Old 28th February 2019, 12:26 AM   #64
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It's very sad that life has led you in this direction, that your husband makes you feel so unloved and alone. I've been where you are, except that I wasn't married. I was a single mom and alone, someone I was close to in my family had moved thousands of miles away, and I felt very isolated. And along comes MM who was there for me constantly and distracting me from the isolation. He was sweet and kind and adored me. But I ended up truly heartbroken. I just hope the same thing doesn't happen to you. I do know that at the time I was going through all that, I couldn't have let him go. After a time, I did, but it was a constant back-and-forth thing..., until it wasn't.
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Old 28th February 2019, 12:29 AM   #65
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Thanks. I have tried hard to keep myself in check, with moments where I take a step back and ask ďis this objectively OK?Ē Guy is married, still with photo (albeit old) with his family being newly put on Instagram, hasnít gone through w separation and is trying to be involved w me sexually? HOW is that fair to me? Does it not make me a sex object being used?
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Old 28th February 2019, 1:32 AM   #66
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Itís really hard to say what these situations are; difficult to label them. But they often end up hurting others and that includes yourself. If I had to do it all again, I wouldnít have gotten involved. Iíd love to tell you that it was worth it all but thatís not how I think about it.
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Old 28th February 2019, 8:11 AM   #67
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Guy is married, still with photo (albeit old) with his family being newly put on Instagram, hasn’t gone through w separation and is trying to be involved w me sexually? HOW is that fair to me? Does it not make me a sex object being used?
Yes.

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Old 28th February 2019, 12:17 PM   #68
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Yes.

10 characters
I like that I’m apparently a great choice for this when quite pregnant. Lol I don’t get it
This is more straightforward than I realized, posting Instagram pics of your family (even old ones) while trying to sleep with me isn’t acceptable bc it doesn’t show evidence of ending the other relationship. Can’t see any reason I should be alone with him & expect him not to try more. And what better explanation than I’m looking to find someone not in multiple simultaneous relationships?!

Last edited by Gb83; 28th February 2019 at 12:20 PM..
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Old 28th February 2019, 1:28 PM   #69
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Any picture - old or new - is a red flag. The truth is, even if he left his wife today and filed for divorce, heís got a long road ahead of him. And regardless of whether the marriage has been over for awhile or not, a lot of drama and confusion follows a divorce. Itís a long road and he hasnít even started.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 9:49 AM   #70
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Whatís the point of these comments?

The MM from my other post said some odd things, that heís been close to very very few people in life but feels he disappoints the ones he does become close to & it appears no one can end up happy with him. I took this to mean he wants me to move on & never would really want a relationship with me, so this is a way to get me to give up so to speak. Which is fine.

But he insisted that isnít true, and said maybe he doesnít actually mean much to me if I am fine with not seeing him anymore, giving up, and moving on so easily. Huh??
At this point Ive stopped being anything remotely more than platonic than him and its great to be emotionally free, but I guess these comments still perplexed me. I do better at moving on when I understand the situation and I don't get why he said that stuff

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 3rd March 2019 at 9:55 AM..
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Old 3rd March 2019, 9:56 AM   #71
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It’s typical married man talk to me - confusing, contradicting, self-focused, and probably full of BS. And you are doing what most OW do - listen intently, over-analyze, try to make sense of the non-sensical as you decide what it really means for you...

Don’t be friends with this guy, for several reasons. First, he’s not a good guy who you want to have in your life. Second, you have both already crossed boundaries, what makes you think that either of you will be able to maintain a healthy boundary now. And finally, it prevents you from truly moving on with your life... perhaps, to find a man who will love you and want to have a relationship with you. No self respecting man is going to want to date you if you have another married man, a man with whom you have previously had an affair with, in your life.

Last edited by BaileyB; 3rd March 2019 at 10:00 AM.. Reason: Spelling
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Old 3rd March 2019, 10:26 AM   #72
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"I'm no good; I don't deserve you or happiness; This is just me - I can't do better; I can never do anything right; I always disappoint the ones who love and care about me"...

It's all self-pitying and passive-aggressive; meant to trigger the listener's compassionate, loving, nurturing instincts,
and manipulate him or her into pouring out more compassion, love and nurturance into a situation that is not mutually supportive or rewarding.

The tactic is not used exclusively by married people on their affair partners, but they do it also.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 10:38 AM   #73
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7. Pity, Pity, and More Pity: Exaggerate illness, money woes, how badly they have been treated. They need you to feel sorry for them so you will do things for them. According to Martha Stout, the pity play is the telltale sign of a sociopath.
Article

I am not suggesting all MM are sociopaths but many of them do sure show a lot of the signs.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 10:44 AM   #74
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"I'm no good; I don't deserve you or happiness; This is just me - I can't do better; I can never do anything right; I always disappoint the ones who love and care about me"...

It's all self-pitying and passive-aggressive; meant to trigger the listener's compassionate, loving, nurturing instincts,
and manipulate him or her into pouring out more compassion, love and nurturance into a situation that is not mutually supportive or rewarding..
Agreed. However, it would have the opposite effect on me, as it did for OP. If he is self-pitying and “warning” me to stay away, that he is not worthy of my love... I would walk away. But, that’s because I don’t play those games...

And when OP did walk away, he changed his tactic. Gone is the self-pitying, “I’m broken, not worthy, I need your love...” and then begins the reverse psychology of trying to turn the table on OP and make it her fault - SHE has walked away, but still self-pitying with a heavy dose of guilt for good measure “he obviously doesn’t mean much as much to her if she can just walk away...”

It’s typical married man game playing. His first strategy, to play on your emotions, didn’t work to get you back in his bed. So, he changed it up... placing the blame on you, trying to make you feel guilty, attempting to manipulate you to do exactly what he wants... and continue to engage with him.

Block him. See what he says then...

Last edited by BaileyB; 3rd March 2019 at 10:50 AM..
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Old 3rd March 2019, 11:31 AM   #75
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Itís typical married man game playing.
Not exclusively -- my 80-year-old mother is still pulling the same BS on me, complete with 'reverse psychology / trying to rewrite the script'.
A 'bonus' for her is that now when she gets called out, she claims age-related memory loss/mental impairment. .
Other people will, of course, just find other reasons to justify/excuse their poor behaviour -- low self-esteem, children, spouse, sex life, work, finances. .

Since Gb83 has already endured both sides of this man's same sad manipulative tactics, she has the experience to get stronger and stronger at withstanding his onslaught.

For me, it did take practice and determination and really hard work to be able to finally and once-and-for-all not let my mom induce guilt and panic and feeling crappy about myself for just ignoring her.
(If that makes sense?)

Gb83, sending hugs, and strength and courage.
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