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Maybe a classic OW post, but... do I wait?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 26th February 2019, 10:50 PM   #31
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It’s annoying because my husband could’ve avoided the pain by, you know, saying he wanted to work on the marriage instead of saying he just wanted a divorce and also that he’s never done anything wrong himself (ugh). I had told him I would’ve immediately stopped talking to MM if we thought marriage could be saved. But now he just wants to go the route of badgering me about what I’m doing now
Well, doesn’t he have a right to know what is happening in his marriage. I mean, you are dangling this other man on a stick... what man would like that? To continue in this manner is hurtful to your husband.

Your marriage is clearly over if your husband is telling you that he wants a divorce. Just end it already, and end his agony. It’s actually the kind thing to do.
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Old 26th February 2019, 11:00 PM   #32
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This affair is all wrong for you. That guy is going to drag you down into a place of pain and misery.

That doesn't prevent your marriage from being all wrong for you as well. The circumstances are rarely an either or choice.
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Old 26th February 2019, 11:12 PM   #33
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I would also be really concerned about the judgment of a man who tells a woman he barely knows that he will essentially raise another manís child. Most men donít do this - they would have no interest in another manís wife when that woman is carrying the other manís child.
Maybe he's chasing her (love bombing) to satisfy a pregnancy fetish?
He's obviously been moving fast and hard to get her revved up.

OP, you sound very vulnerable, and you may have it all wrong about this guy. A man who only sees his wife and kids once every two months is an unknown quantity to everyone around him.

Stranger Danger, Will Robinson.
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Old 27th February 2019, 12:02 AM   #34
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Maybe he's chasing her (love bombing) to satisfy a pregnancy fetish?
He's obviously been moving fast and hard to get her revved up.

OP, you sound very vulnerable, and you may have it all wrong about this guy. A man who only sees his wife and kids once every two months is an unknown quantity to everyone around him.

Stranger Danger, Will Robinson.
He sincerely thought (a year ago) that she & their son were going to follow... then his wife was like nope, because things were already feeling on the outs.

Not sure about your assessment because itís been a few months and there are many days all he wants to do is sincerely talk to me for hours at brunch or on phone or wherever. I would never just not hear from him for a day & I do no initiating of talking.

I mentioned how my husband glossed over the baby concern... he eventually made some obligatory nice statements about it, then very quickly changed the subject to trying to enlist my help for a non urgent work project. ???? Meanwhile Iím talking to no guy and just upset in bed worried about the baby... he is such a workaholic and truly just seems not to have normal range of emotion
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Old 27th February 2019, 12:21 AM   #35
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Yeah, I already had a legal consult, she said it will make no difference to be involved w someone else even now and we wouldíve had to sleep together for even a minor risk of any consequence. Iím just avoiding it for other reasons.

Itís annoying because my husband couldíve avoided the pain by, you know, saying he wanted to work on the marriage instead of saying he just wanted a divorce and also that heís never done anything wrong himself (ugh). I had told him I wouldíve immediately stopped talking to MM if we thought marriage could be saved. But now he just wants to go the route of badgering me about what Iím doing now
Yeah, I was never counting on much baby help from my husband anyhow. I mean, when a guy says heís going to make an unnecessary career move several states away...and itís up to me to give up stable job and life Iíve just settled into after moving here for him...
Does this post sound ok to you? So you need your husband to commit to you before you stop seeing a married man? First, didn't he already commit to you once? How did that work in stopping you from starting with another man.
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Old 27th February 2019, 8:27 AM   #36
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I considered it a huge lack of commitment to the relationship to unilaterally decide (despite my many objections with logical, strong reasons) to insist upon doing training multiple states away for 5 years. His latest excuse was that he couldnít stay when he didnít feel the relationship was strong enough (this was long ago) bc I ďdidnít respect his workĒ (-aholism on zero-profit projects.
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Old 27th February 2019, 9:38 AM   #37
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I considered it a huge lack of commitment to the relationship to unilaterally decide (despite my many objections with logical, strong reasons) to insist upon doing training multiple states away for 5 years. His latest excuse was that he couldn’t stay when he didn’t feel the relationship was strong enough (this was long ago) bc I “didn’t respect his work” (-aholism on zero-profit projects.
So, to get him back you have gone and found yourself another man... something that could be considered a huge lack of commitment to the relationship to unilaterally decide to insist on turning away from the relationship by engaging in another, very inappropriate relationship.

Seriously, end the misery. Neither one of you want to be married anymore. Call a lawyer.

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Old 27th February 2019, 11:24 AM   #38
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I don’t think you deserve to be criticized for wanting out of your marriage. Your husband sounds irrational, cold, and trying. He’s also very uncommitted to you and shows very little enthusiasm for the child. He shouldn’t be the least bit surprised that your attention has gone elsewhere. I just hate to see you get sucked in by the MM. He’s playing you and knows exactly how to do it. Most women just don’t think his way and that’s why we’re vulnerable to it. These guys are very, very smooth and play the game extremely well.

I don’t know what the solution is because things are very much up in the air for you. Being pregnant adds a whole other element of problems. You could take your chances with MM but I wouldn’t recommend it. You’re much more vulnerable than you realize.
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Old 27th February 2019, 2:24 PM   #39
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Agree, I canít count on some amazing outcome with the MM, though all I know is that I really enjoy his company and feel oddly fulfilled by whatever relationship we have right now. Like, he calls or wants to see me every night even if just to get food, and somehow this makes me happy enough bc itís already more than my own husband has really ever given, attention or chemistry/passion wise?! I guess that shows how Aspbergerís-like he is?!

my question and focus is whether I can stand to stay attached to my husband who is just hardly present/is a workaholic, with whom Iíve never had any passion. I feel I could probably stay in the relationship if my sexual needs were met elsewhere but obviously my husband doesnít want an open relationship!
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Old 27th February 2019, 2:36 PM   #40
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I understand that MM makes you feel good and special but youíre playing a very dangerous game. Thatís all Iíll say about it. Your husband doesnít need to be married and he doesnít need a family - but there it is. Maybe you should just carry on with the divorce and move on with your life.
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Old 27th February 2019, 3:12 PM   #41
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So the only way youíd stop seeing the OM is if your husband recommits?! Wow thatís pretty hypocritical. You shouldíve divorced him first before jumping into another relationship. I feel sorry for the husband, heís the real victim in all of this.
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Old 27th February 2019, 3:29 PM   #42
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So the only way youíd stop seeing the OM is if your husband recommits?! Wow thatís pretty hypocritical. You shouldíve divorced him first before jumping into another relationship. I feel sorry for the husband, heís the real victim in all of this.
He doesnít sound like a victim at all to me. People think they can do what they want and act how they want when in a marriage but thatís a mistake. Her husband is barely around, makes long term plans without her, pisses $$ away with consistently bad decisions, etc. Heís hardly a victim.
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Old 27th February 2019, 3:36 PM   #43
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He doesnít sound like a victim at all to me. People think they can do what they want and act how they want when in a marriage but thatís a mistake. Her husband is barely around, makes long term plans without her, pisses $$ away with consistently bad decisions, etc. Heís hardly a victim.
He's not a victim of a bad marriage perhaps, but a victim of her infidelity.

If I have friend who was snarky and mean to me all the time, I have every right to drop them and no longer be friends with them.
But I don't have a right to strangle his puppy. That would make them my victim.
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Old 27th February 2019, 4:45 PM   #44
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He doesnít sound like a victim at all to me. People think they can do what they want and act how they want when in a marriage but thatís a mistake. Her husband is barely around, makes long term plans without her, pisses $$ away with consistently bad decisions, etc. Heís hardly a victim.
Heís done everything necessary to deserve a divorce, at least from the one sided story we are reading. But he has done nothing to be cheated on, absolutely nothing. Plus she is still willing to be with him if he ďrecommitsĒ. So yes, heís a victim of infidelity and being still married he has every right to demand answers about it.
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Old 27th February 2019, 5:45 PM   #45
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Heís done everything necessary to deserve a divorce, at least from the one sided story we are reading. But he has done nothing to be cheated on, absolutely nothing. Plus she is still willing to be with him if he ďrecommitsĒ. So yes, heís a victim of infidelity and being still married he has every right to demand answers about it.
I told him about my male friend and when I realized I didnít want to stop talking to him bc that meant losing someone who was becoming important to me when my husband meanwhile was unwilling to work on the problems driving us apart (example- not willing to do perfectly good training program around here so I didnít have to move for him a second time in 3 years and give up my outstanding job, stability when Iím about to go through a huge life change etc), I felt like what was the point? I could stop taking to my friend but itís not like Iíd be happy in my marriage. Then my husband kept saying he wanted a separation and divorce soon anyhow, so after a month of hearing this consistently, why the heck am I in the wrong for even considering being involved w other guys?
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