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Maybe a classic OW post, but... do I wait?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 23rd February 2019, 8:05 PM   #16
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I find it funny that you think your husband is deplorable for wanting to move and only visit you and your baby on the weekends, but you think the MM is wonderful even though he lives even farther from his family and he only visits his kid once every two months. How does that work?

Do you think your MM is going to care about your baby more than he cares for his own child? If he can live without his own son, then he would ditch your kid in a heartbeat. If you are pregnant and divorcing then you have way bigger things to think about and plan other than getting with this married man. You have to put what is good for your baby first. Your baby deserves a strong mother who knows her worth and who sets a good example.
This is funny but all to common. The husband is horrible, but the MM is great despite the fact that he is actually far worse. One womans trash i guess
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Old 24th February 2019, 12:50 AM   #17
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Gb83, you need to be really careful due to the baby.

IF you leave your (clearly bad) marriage, and MM doesn't follow through, which is the usual case, who will be there for you during late pregnancy and infancy?

IMO you need to focus away from MM and to your upcoming major change in life. This can be hard to due the affair emotions, but needs to be done.

In an ideal world, your husband would be there for you. Unfortunately it sounds like he won't, at least not to the extent he should be.

MM, even if sincere, should not be counted on in a situation like this. He can walk any time for any reason with no consequences.

What is your plan to make sure you AND baby get what you need for that critical childbirth and first year period? Really think that should be your focus.

You are in a tough situation and I wish you the best of luck. I also hope you will "make your own luck" with some careful thinking through and planning.
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Old 24th February 2019, 6:26 AM   #18
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If you have problem with your husband then why not get a divorce and leave him? You already fell for someone else. You already cheated on him. Why stay in a marriage where you will not be happy?



Now if you truly think that your AP is the only thing that can make you happy right now (Especially if you decided to divorce you husband) and you think you are fine being just the OW then okay. If he's using you to entertain himself, to distract himself then do the same. As long as you know the consequences.
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Old 24th February 2019, 8:02 AM   #19
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If a single man dated you for 2 months whilst he still had a gf and was telling you he would leave her "sometime" and he would look after you "forever"... would you believe him?
No, you would think he was spinning you a line to get you into bed...

So why is it more believable when a man with a wife spins you that same line?
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Old 24th February 2019, 12:47 PM   #20
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I'd tell him to contact you when he actually does contact that lawyer. He's banking on you coming to your senses.
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Old 26th February 2019, 5:20 PM   #21
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Really excellent advice, everyone, thanks. The Aspbergerís comment does help... a friend of a friend who knows my husband recently described her impression of him that way. ďNice,Ē but just not all there somehow.
Agree with not waiting on the MM. I told him essentially that and that I canít be alone with him in meantime because itíll create a situation that just isnít fair to me. He was fine with that and said weíll just go out to public places for now.
My husband continues to say the same thing as the past month, that he wants to get separated/divorced, except now heís added an obsessive line of questioning over & over if Iím talking to/doing anything physical with this MM. aggravating because I told him clearly that if we were going to work on our relationship then Iíd stop talking to him in a heartbeat. But he is constantly insisting our relationship is over for a month, and now thinking he has the right to ask what else Iím up to?
It was to the point that I went to doctorís Appt and messaged him that they had a concern and wanted further testing, and his literal response was only the same repeated question ďdid you make out with [MM]Ē?
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Old 26th February 2019, 5:28 PM   #22
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God, that's sad ^.

It's a pretty common phenomenon that even when someone doesn't want you, they also don't want anyone else to have you. Well, that would be convenient, wouldn't it?
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Old 26th February 2019, 5:40 PM   #23
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Everything he has said and done is ďclassicĒ. His end goal is to wear you down (part of the fun for him) and get you to sleep with him. Then youíll be hooked on the relationship - although you already are - and will find it even harder to exit.

After my life experiences, Iíll just say that I wouldnít date a guy whoís even separated, much less married, because thereís too much of a risk that heíll go back, and thereís way too much drama with a divorce. A person canít give their attention to a relationship while theyíre trying to end another one, and deal with all the emotions that accompany that process. I know you think your situation is different, that nothing can match this amazing connection where heís your best friend with a fantastic connection. Itís all baloney. His marriage will trump you every time. His kid will trump you every time. And this great connection and his lust for chasing will fizzle and youíll be left wondering what the heck happened.
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Old 26th February 2019, 6:01 PM   #24
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Just because MM was agreeable about not being alone with you doesn’t mean squat. He knows that, in time, he’ll wear you down. You just can’t see this right now, but your hindsight will be a very clear 20/20.
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Old 26th February 2019, 6:17 PM   #25
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Iím not arguing with you guys about the MM. Youíre probably right. I enjoy having him in my life at this point but as I continually resist coming over & sleeping w him he may lose interest. He does sound quite unhappy and truly barely ever sees his wife, but even though he references trips we can take ďonce the papers are signed,Ē no way can I count on that, wait around for him, or (far down the road!) refuse to date others because of him.

Iím just not convinced that my marriage with my husband was acceptable in meeting my needs.... various aspects of the MM- amount of contact, topics and emotional depth of conversation, never having to be the one pursuing him, passion, physical openness etc - are things I never felt with my husband EVEN in the very early stages/ honeymoon period. As I said before weíve never had anything physically that Iíd consider remotely passionate, he texted me a few times a week even in those first few months, on our first vacation was staying in the hotel room to work on projects while I was at beach, etc. However my husband is a safe/consistent type and I kind of convinced myself that no one has it all, and Iím at an age where I should just settle down.
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Old 26th February 2019, 6:53 PM   #26
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I agree about your husband. You obviously have good reasons for not wanting to remain in the marriage. That’s your call. But you’ve got a lot of time ahead of you to go through your pregnancy, dealing with being a new mother, all that. This may not be the best time to focus on a divorce. I mean, you got pregnant with this guy so how urgent can the divorce be at this stage of the game?

Nothing says you ever have to chase a guy. They’re pretty good at chasing. This is why I don’t chase because it tends to backfire down the road, like in your case. You thought you liked him but realize that had you never pursued him, you would’ve gone with someone else. So, in the future, don’t chase, don’t initiate. Let a guy who’s truly interested in you find you.

As far as the MM is concerned, I get it that you’re hungry for attention and he’s doing all the right things, with his heart in his eyes. But others have asked valid questions about what would you think of a single guy being so intent on you? What would you think of a single guy who spent so little time with his own child? I’m not nuts about the photos he’s sharing on social media, either. It tells me that he’s keeping up appearances while schmoozing behind his wife’s back. If he was really done with his marriage, I would think he’d go completely dark on the family thing. There are just too many red flags here, but the most serious issue is that you don’t want to get this guy out of your life because you’re already hooked on the attention. I can’t say enough how very badly this can turn out for you.

Last edited by bathtub-row; 26th February 2019 at 6:56 PM..
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Old 26th February 2019, 7:08 PM   #27
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I agree about your husband. You obviously have good reasons for not wanting to remain in the marriage. Thatís your call. But youíve got a lot of time ahead of you to go through your pregnancy, dealing with being a new mother, all that. This may not be the best time to focus on a divorce. I mean, you got pregnant with this guy so how urgent can the divorce be at this stage of the game?

As far as the MM is concerned, I get it that youíre hungry for attention and heís doing all the right things, with his heart in his eyes. But others have asked valid questions about what would you think of a single guy being so intent on you? What would you think of a single guy who spent so little time with his own child? Iím not nuts about the photos heís sharing on social media, either. It tells me that heís keeping up appearances while schmoozing behind his wifeís back. If he was really done with his marriage, I would think heíd go completely dark on the family thing.
There are just too many red flags here, but the most serious issue is that you donít want to get this guy out of your life because youíre already hooked on the attention. I canít say enough how very badly this can turn out for you.
Thank you. I agree that there should be no divorce urgency. My husband just seems mostly obsessed with texting and emailing repeatedly to find out what Iíve been up to since he started asking for a divorce.
It was a super old family photo but I agree. I have definitely decreased my level of interest - refusing to come over several times heís suggested it, making other plans and not telling him with whom, repeatedly stressing when he makes flirtatious comments that Iím not putting myself in an unfair position. He said he wasnít expecting to fall for anyone romantically and so the separation had no urgency, but itís only been the last month heís realized how he feels for me. That IS really soon to process things and take action, but that does not mean I ďwait aroundĒ for him or give him all my attention. Clearly I have ZERO interest in dating anytime soon but if things were different, I would go out w others now. I know heís said heíd be jealous but he knows he has no right
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Old 26th February 2019, 7:22 PM   #28
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just tell his wife and get on with ur life. been there and telling her got me out of the affair
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Old 26th February 2019, 8:10 PM   #29
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My husband continues to say the same thing as the past month, that he wants to get separated/divorced, except now heís added an obsessive line of questioning over & over if Iím talking to/doing anything physical with this MM. aggravating because I told him clearly that if we were going to work on our relationship then Iíd stop talking to him in a heartbeat. But he is constantly insisting our relationship is over for a month, and now thinking he has the right to ask what else Iím up to?

Obnoxious, but well - you technically are still married.

Possibly he's waffling and looking for a deal-breaker or further fuel to the D fire? Or since you're pregnant, he's wondering if the baby is his?

I'm no lawyer, but I understand that depending on which state you live in infidelity can be an issue during a D. In some states I understand it's possible to sue the AP as well. You might want to get a free consultation from a lawyer in your state before owning up to anything.

That said, if he does find out, by whatever means, strongly recommend that you be fully honest with him. "Trickle-truthing" just compounds the pain for the BS from what I understand. So, just tell him everything if/when he knows. No sense in adding to the resentment.

Hope you are starting to line up family and friends for help with the P and baby as it's not sounding too good on the man front.
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Old 26th February 2019, 8:20 PM   #30
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Yeah, I already had a legal consult, she said it will make no difference to be involved w someone else even now and we would’ve had to sleep together for even a minor risk of any consequence. I’m just avoiding it for other reasons.

It’s annoying because my husband could’ve avoided the pain by, you know, saying he wanted to work on the marriage instead of saying he just wanted a divorce and also that he’s never done anything wrong himself (ugh). I had told him I would’ve immediately stopped talking to MM if we thought marriage could be saved. But now he just wants to go the route of badgering me about what I’m doing now
Yeah, I was never counting on much baby help from my husband anyhow. I mean, when a guy says he’s going to make an unnecessary career move several states away...and it’s up to me to give up stable job and life I’ve just settled into after moving here for him...
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