LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > The Other Man / Woman

Maybe a classic OW post, but... do I wait?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

Like Tree52Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 23rd February 2019, 3:14 AM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 43
Maybe a classic OW post, but... do I wait?

I am starting the separation process (husband on same page, just had my first meeting with lawyer). It’s been 2 months of MM texting me all day, every day, wanting to see me like 4 times/week even “getting nothing out of it” (ie I would only meet him in public places for long meetups). Texts a good amount about sexual things but knows I would not sleep with him until he is officially separated (once in a sexual convo he was like ‘I really need to go see that lawyer!’). Only this past week did we get physical at all but again, did not sleep with him and he’s reinforced the waiting “until it is right,” “why come so far and then ruin it by doing it at the wrong time,” etc.

He lives on opposite coasts from his wife and son, sees them like once every 2 months, says he and wife haven’t slept in same room in a year and it’s inevitable they’re going to get separated. On Instagram (the only social media he has) he posts an old picture of all 3 of them once in a blue moon but it definitely isn’t w him right next to his wife or any nice caption about her. My question is how long is it reasonable to “wait,” given I’ve only known him for 2 months and have barely done anything physically?

I feel it’s a huge decision for me to push him with, but he seems SO serious with the communication night & day including phone calls, wanting to see me constantly etc even without sex, telling me that he feels he was meant to find me and “who knows maybe you’re my 1 greatest love”... that I don’t know it’s right to assume that it’ll “never go anywhere.” But the in between phase is super awkward... other than knowing my boundary line of not sleeping with him, I don’t really know what else to do if anything.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 23rd February 2019 at 5:57 PM.. Reason: Paragraphs
Gb83 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 9:12 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 67
Do not wait. I really doubt he will leave her. It seems to me that all he was trying to do is to see if there will be a chance for him to bed you.
lolita888 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 9:36 AM   #3
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 43
Ok. How do you tell the difference? Do I just tell him we canít be friends anymore unless he actually gets a separation?
Gb83 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 9:52 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 474
Do yourself a favour, read my thread " never thought I would be the ow". The essential details are the same. Texting all day, every day, seeing each other 4-6Xs per week. He even went so far as to tell the wife and kids he wanted to leave but has not followed through since October when I started posting. It's long but read what I've gone through the last 5 months and in 4 weeks it will be a year of being together. The first 7 months were pure bliss. The best time of my life. The last 5 have been hell. They wine and dine us, sweep us off our feet, tell us we are their soulmate, the one they want as their life partner but when push comes to shove, they don't leave generally speaking. They may love us, but not enough to break the attachment to security and being seen as the upstanding family man. We are the fantasy and the ones that fill the voids but we are rarely the replacement.

You are only 2 months in. Don't wait for a year, hoping and praying and waiting. Had I known what an affair was really like down the road, I likely would have not chosen one, even though I needed something to bring me back from the brink. Sadly, I chose the wrong type of life buoy.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 23rd February 2019 at 5:46 PM.. Reason: removed quote
LilKatKat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 10:03 AM   #5
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 43
Thanks for the advice. What I find depressing though, is that being so drawn to someone else is what made me realize the huge problems in my marriage and I don’t know that I could just “go back” to my husband and ever be happy w all these issues, like:
We have never once kissed with any passion. Our sex life has never been good, he is timid and Does not show interest in pleasing me (has never performed oral, doesn’t touch me for more than 2 seconds, etc)

He calls himself a workaholic. Says he’d work 100% of time if left to his own devices and chose me to force balance into his life. This translates into him calling me “needy” for wanting to spend normal amounts of time together on weekends because he doesn’t need nearly as much interaction with me. Says he “sacrifices to make me happy” by spending weekend time on me instead of projects, whereas I wish it were mutual but he says he simply doesn’t need nearly as much time with me.
Is going to a 5 year training program for what will eventually be a high paying career, but has delayed it by years due to his dozen startup ventures - he only half develops any of them before trying to sell them off; has made $0. If I ever gently suggest he focus his efforts he gets oddly angry and tells me I’m not allowed to suggest he limit his work. Once told me he wanted a divorce after I asked some critical questions about a project that he chose to spend our entire vacation morning talking about. So I really resent these ventures bc I feel he half-asses them, and they just take time away from us with zero profit ever.

I moved for him once, to our current city, even though far from my family. Now wants me to move again because the other city has a slightly better training program even though I (the breadwinner by far) am now very settled with a difficult to find job in terms of both time off and matching my exact career interests. I’m also pregnant and not interested in starting to work twice as hard elsewhere (which will result in much higher childcare costs) and undergoing stress of new job and move at that time. He says he would have stayed here if I “respected and supported him,” yet the only reason I don’t is because he’s willing to ignore all this and see his baby only on weekends for 5 years! (He blames me for “breaking up the family” by not moving.)

He is kind and gentle and generally agreeable. I just don't feel any attraction or respect, because to me he seems like an immature child.
Gb83 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 10:20 AM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 474
I get it. My affair was the final push I needed to leave my terrible marriage. I didn't leave it for MM. I did it because it was the right thing for me and something I should have done years ago.

But do not conflate your marriage and your affair. They are mutually exclusive. One does not depend on the other. You asked if you should wait. Based on the fact he already told you he wasn't leaving, unless you want to wait forever, the answer is a resounding NO. You are also pregnant. I will bet you anything, once the bliss turns into real life, the stress will impact your pregnancy, your ability to mother your child, your work. I wish someone had told me this even at the 2 month mark. Seriously though, read OW threads. They all seem to read the same. Fine details may be different but the core story line is the same. I thought my MM was different. I thought we were special, meant to be, soulmates etc.

Focus on your pregnancy, deal with your marriage and after the baby is born and you settle in and adjust, then look for a single man. One who isn't tethered to a marriage for whatever excuse he may give you.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 23rd February 2019 at 5:46 PM.. Reason: removed quote
LilKatKat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 10:31 AM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 8,117
If this guy was single, if we were both single and dating, and he was texting me all day every day and talking sexually after only two months... that would be a total red flag for me. Too much too soon.

Just a curious question, why is it more acceptable because he is married?

Oh goodness, edited to add - you are pregnant? Does this MM who wants you so badly know that you are pregnant? Sure, you have big problems in your marriage, but you owe it to your husband and your child to try and make it work. Let this MM go.
__________________
If they love you, you will know. If they don't, you will wonder all the time if they do...

Last edited by BaileyB; 23rd February 2019 at 10:35 AM..
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 10:50 AM   #8
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 43
To answer your first question - to me it just indicated a marked, intense connection. Calling me and wanting to see me all the time, with me doing NONE of the initiating- it felt so refreshing bc I like that much contact, unlike my husband who explicitly says he doesn’t need to spend nearly as much time with me as vice verse and prefers to just “work” a lot more at home (on the scattered startup ventures that have made $0 in years).

Second question - yes the MM knows. Talks about how we will start going places the “3 of us” soon, that I can call him any hour of the day I need anything for the baby (he convinced me to move into same condo complex/neighborhood when I was looking for a place), and that he’ll always be there to support me.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 23rd February 2019 at 5:46 PM.. Reason: removed quote
Gb83 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 11:02 AM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 8,117
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gb83 View Post
To answer your first question - to me it just indicated a marked, intense connection. Calling me and wanting to see me all the time, with me doing NONE of the initiating- it felt so refreshing bc I like that much contact, unlike my husband who explicitly says he doesn’t need to spend nearly as much time with me as vice verse and prefers to just “work” a lot more at home (on the scattered startup ventures that have made $0 in years).

Second question - yes the MM knows. Talks about how we will start going places the “3 of us” soon, that I can call him any hour of the day I need anything for the baby (he convinced me to move into same condo complex/neighborhood when I was looking for a place), and that he’ll always be there to support me.
I’m not going to lie, this would totally creep me out. You love the attention he threw your way because we are starved for attention from your husband. In other words, you were vulnerable and he exploited that. He absolutely love bombed you and in the “dating” world, that is a HUGE RED FLAG. Men like this tend to come on strong, and either completely mess with you or leave one day, totally unannounced. Be warned.

I would also be really concerned about the judgment of a man who tells a woman he barely knows that he will essentially raise another man’s child. Most men don’t do this - they would have no interest in another man’s husband when that woman is carrying the other man’s child.

This whole situation actually sends chills down my spine. Be very, very careful with this guy. I can’t tell you what a mistake I think this is for you.

Not saying that you should stay married to the man if you really don’t love him. But, if you don’t want to be married then file for divorce. Don’t jump from the pot into the frying pan with another man. And, why the heck did you get pregnant if you are so desperately unhappy in your marriage?

If I was your husband, I would be FURIOUS that you would even be entertaining thoughts of another man, while pregnant with my child.

Last edited by BaileyB; 23rd February 2019 at 11:07 AM..
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 11:15 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 3,996
I find it funny that you think your husband is deplorable for wanting to move and only visit you and your baby on the weekends, but you think the MM is wonderful even though he lives even farther from his family and he only visits his kid once every two months. How does that work?

Do you think your MM is going to care about your baby more than he cares for his own child? If he can live without his own son, then he would ditch your kid in a heartbeat. If you are pregnant and divorcing then you have way bigger things to think about and plan other than getting with this married man. You have to put what is good for your baby first. Your baby deserves a strong mother who knows her worth and who sets a good example.
anika99 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 1:22 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Mrs._December's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 484
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gb83 View Post
On Instagram (the only social media he has) he posts an old picture of all 3 of them once in a blue moon but it definitely isn’t w him right next to his wife or any nice caption about her.
And what does HER InstaG or Facebook look like? I know lots of married couples where one hardly ever posts anything family oriented but the other is constantly posting family pictures and going on about anniversaries and birthdays and what-not.

I hate to tell you, but you're being groomed. He's so transparent it isn't even funny. Come on now. Do you honestly know anyone who was willing to leave their wife and kids for someone they've known for TWO MONTHS and haven't even been physical with? I mean, come on.

He has no intention of doing ANYTHING but hopefully getting you into bed.

It's called 'future faking.' He's just giving you a bunch of sugarcoated bull**** about how rosy things will be in the future. He'll tell you anything you want to hear - he'll proclaim his love for you from the rooftops and tell you how he can't eat or sleep because he's too consumed with you and he'll tell you how his work is so affected because he's too obsessed with you to concentrate, and the bull**** will just continue rolling right off his tongue like a conveyor belt. He's grooming you, is all. He gives you lip service about 'needing to call that lawyer' as though he actually intends to start separation/divorce proceedings in the near future. Yeah, sure he does. I'll be a 5'7" runway model before he calls any divorce lawyers.

What these sleazy married types SAY and what they DO are usually two drastically different things. But the catch is getting YOU to believe their bull****. And once you do, it's win/win for them.

Lastly, I can see why you're falling for this guy's crap. He can PLAINLY see how vulnerable you are and how needy. And boy is he playing you like a violin. You're separating, you're pregnant, and desperately need someone to be kind and caring toward you. You're drinking this guy's lies and attention up like it's manna from heaven because he's telling you exactly what you want to hear.

I get it.

You're setting yourself up for a huge fall if you don't get rid of this opportunist. The ONLY interests he's looking to serve are his own.

You're in for a huge fall if you fall for his crap, Gb83.

Last edited by Mrs._December; 23rd February 2019 at 1:24 PM..
Mrs._December is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 1:30 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Mrs._December's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 484
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gb83 View Post
Second question - yes the MM knows. Talks about how we will start going places the “3 of us” soon, that I can call him any hour of the day I need anything for the baby (he convinced me to move into same condo complex/neighborhood when I was looking for a place), and that he’ll always be there to support me.
Someone raised a very legitimate question.

You're ok with a married man who lies, cheats, deceives, and throws his own family away for another woman? And on top of that heinous, heinous behavior, puts more effort towards another man's child while having basically written off his own?

You're 100% fine with a 'man' who does this, Gb83?
Mrs._December is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 1:32 PM   #13
Established Member
 
preraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 23,359
Hard reality: Men are "out of sight, out of mind" and men are always tempted by other women. If he and his wife weren't living out of state from each other, they would be having sex and be together.

I will give him credit for not just being after sex with you. That's novel. That's usually all it is with married men, that and needing someone to lean on emotionally.

But if as he claims they haven't been together in a year, that's a year during which the divorce could have been finalized if either one of them wanted one. He's not done with her yet. Do not wait.

It's fine since you're not sleeping together (stop making out with him) to keep knowing him, but I am very serious about this and you will regret it if you don't:

Keep dating other guys! He certainly doesn't have anything he can possibly say about that.

The fact is that a separated man hardly ever stays with the woman they are cheating with or involved with during the separation. Why? Because if he ever gets divorced, which is no certainty at all, then he will be free for the first time in years. And I can guarandamntee you once he is, he will not be tying himself down and jumping right back into a committed relationship. He will date around and see if he's still "got it." Also, he may even judge you, though he'd likely never say it, for being a woman willing to get in the middle of a marriage and that might be against his ethics, which of course makes him a hypocrite, but that never stopped anyone.

Date. Stop focusing on him.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"The greatness of a nation & its moral progress can be judged by the way in its animals are treated." -Gandhi
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 7:47 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 185
Well, right out of the cheater's handbook for sure.

So why did you marry your husband in he first place? Having an affair with a married man is very unlikely to make your life better.

Last edited by Zona; 23rd February 2019 at 7:50 PM..
Zona is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd February 2019, 7:59 PM   #15
New Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 7
Gb83, your husband is like mine. Workaholic, projects that make 0$, not needing time with you, not really interested in sex, not doing anything special, etc. Sounds like Asperger's personality type. Look it up. Discovering my husband is Asperger's -and that was after terminating my affair- has been a very useful piece of information.
AlwaysLoveYou is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Strange texts. Coincidence? Maybe? Maybe not? Maybe it doesn't matter? SameAsItEverWas Dating 8 11th October 2013 7:20 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 2:14 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.