itchyislander Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 (edited) I've been with my husband 15 years and married for 10. Since meeting my husband's best friend there has always been a spark. On nights out it would always be me and him chatting in the corner. He has a wife who was pregnant when we met. Things were good with my husband (then bf) and I just ignored the idea that there could be more between me and Dave (the best friend). I married my husband, Dave was best man and life continued. A year or so later and Dave announced he and his wife were moving away to another country. I was devastated but could not do anything about it. So I went on with my life with my husband. We have two lovely girls but our marriage is one of convenience rather than love. Dave is now in the process of moving back. His wife lives here and he comes back a week in every six. The spark is still there. Before now I didn't think I could do anything about it, sure that Dave was not the affair type. However my husband has just told me that Dave has been having one night stands while he is working away. So this leaves me in a situation, do I confess my feelings to Dave in the hope that he feels the same (there is definitely chemistry between us)? Edited February 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Why? So that you can bring yourself as low as your cheating husband? So that you can hurt and destroy his family and marriage now that your husband has ruined yours? If you can't forgive your husband that's understandable. But do the right thing and divorce him and find a single person, don't destroy other people lives to try to fix the hole in your heart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Just because Dave would be open to having sex with you doesn't mean he wants you. You are setting yourself up for rejection and hurt not to mention hurting an innocent party - Dave's wife. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author itchyislander Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 But I feel like I need to know if this could be something. Neither of us are happy in our marriages. I know morally it is wrong and I am not saying that I would jump straight into bed with him. I just want to know if he feels the same, if there is potential for us to both be happy together and then talk about the way forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Simple. If you are unhappy in your marriage, then divorce your husband and start dating single men. What good could possibly come from you having an affair with your husband's best friend? The odds of a relationship that begins from lies and deceit lasting long term and being happy is minimal at best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Theres no 'way forward' together with him that needs talking about. Are you only really willing to leave your marriage if you can be with him? Are you trying to strike some deal where if you he promises to get divorced you will too? And then what? He has children, do you? What if he is unhappy in his marriage? Like sex life is boring or whatever, is that an excuse for him to leave his marriage and commitments because you'd like him to? Rather than doing what an honest and loving husband would to work on them? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author itchyislander Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 its not as simple to just divorce my husband. We have children. Im not looking to just date. Dave is different, it honestly feels like he is the one I should be with. He is unhappy and has already cheated on his wife. Surely if there is a chance we could both be happy it is worth telling him how I feel? Link to post Share on other sites
Author itchyislander Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 I am not trying to strike any deal or get him to leave his wife. But maybe he feels the same. Maybe he is at home asking himself the same questions. We can then atleast talk about our feelings and the situation. I do have children, I am staying in my marriage for them. I am also aware that they will soon leave home and I may regret not taking the chance to talk to Dave. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 its not as simple to just divorce my husband. We have children. Im not looking to just date. Dave is different, it honestly feels like he is the one I should be with. He is unhappy and has already cheated on his wife. Surely if there is a chance we could both be happy it is worth telling him how I feel? How much did it hurt that your husband cheated on you? And this man has already done that to his wife... Are you really willing to help him perpetrate that offense on her because it will make you happy and might be 'twu love'. The chemistry you feel is the same chemistry Dave's AP probably felt, and if he hasn't changed his ways and persist on this destructive course, will be the same chemistry some other woman starts to feel with him (after you). Maybe you can tell your own children and explain to them it wasn't fair your husband cheated on you. What will you tell Dave's children when they learn about it? When they look at you for years with venom, or at their father with venom. Will you meet his wife's eyes and see the pain there? Will it be nothing to you? Maybe. Or maybe it will eat away and erode this amazing fantasy happiness you imagine. Which is fantasy. Your posts make me so sad. I really wish you the best. How long since you found out about your husband's affair? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 I am not trying to strike any deal or get him to leave his wife. But maybe he feels the same. Maybe he is at home asking himself the same questions. We can then atleast talk about our feelings and the situation. I do have children, I am staying in my marriage for them. I am also aware that they will soon leave home and I may regret not taking the chance to talk to Dave. So what! You took vows, did you not? IF you want to risk your entire family unit to “explore” how you may get along with a known cheater then divorce your husband FIRST! It’s a risk you take for your selfish thoughts. You must certainly not be that happy with your husband anyway. Look at how very little you typed about the husband you’ve been with for 15 years! You haven’t considered your husband’s feelings at all! That’s good enough reason to encourage you to divorce too. To get what you want - there’s a price to pay. Divorce first. Proper order is key. Be prepared to lose relationships in the process. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Dave isnt the one. I can tell you that with certainty. You are both married. The end. Dave is cheating. Likely because he isnt around his wife. And is able to. Men who go out for one night stands arent really looking to add more drama into their lives. No, you dont have a conversation with him. You suck it up and realize that he is married and not for you. Let's also add how much your husband and your daughters will hate you if you go through with an affair with your husband's best friend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 its not as simple to just divorce my husband. We have children. Im not looking to just date. Dave is different, it honestly feels like he is the one I should be with. He is unhappy and has already cheated on his wife. Surely if there is a chance we could both be happy it is worth telling him how I feel? Well what did you mean when you said if he feels the same way as you that you two could find a way forward? Forward to what? A bed? Obviously you meant a way forward to leave your marriages and be together. Correct? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 I am not trying to strike any deal or get him to leave his wife. But maybe he feels the same. Maybe he is at home asking himself the same questions. We can then atleast talk about our feelings and the situation. I do have children, I am staying in my marriage for them. I am also aware that they will soon leave home and I may regret not taking the chance to talk to Dave. So if Dave is willing to leave his wife you would be more than happy to leave your marriage for him regardless of the kids feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 (edited) How much did it hurt that your husband cheated on you? And this man has already done that to his wife...<snip> Why do you keep talking about her husband's infidelity. She never said her husband cheated on her. OP you sound incredibly immature. This fantasy is childish. You want to mess around with your husband's best friend? That is really low. We know the best friend is a dishonest cheater and if his character is low enough he would probably be open to a roll in the hay with his best friend's wife but what does that say about him. You want a low down cheater who would stoop to screwing his best friend's wife? You think that would be step up? an improvement in your life? You think you and the best friend will fall in love, get divorced, move right in together and this won't have any negative consequences on the children? You think everyone will just live happily ever after and your kids will have no problem with mommy dumping daddy so she can move in with daddy's best friend? No offense, but grow up. Pretty sure the best friend isn't looking for a divorce. If he wanted to leave his wife he would have done so already. So it's pretty likely that he will be happy to take you to bed but you will just be used and discarded. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author itchyislander Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 If Dave was willing to leave his wife we would discuss the way forward. This is a way into the future. I would not leave my husband for something uncertain. My husband and I are both aware that we are only together for our girls. Firstly, at some point our girls will leave home and my husband and I will split up. By that time Dave may have left his wife for someone else and I would have missed my chance. Another point is that, do we not have to show our children a good example of love? I am not suggesting an affair, but if we both feel like we could work together then we can properly deal with the situation and show our children that there is such a thing as a happy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 I don't see where she said her husband cheated on her, so I think someone misread the post and then it got carried on by others. Anyway, if you are not happy, OP, then get a divorce. If you pursue cheating, that's likely where you'll end up, anyway, and do far more damage to your husband and family in the process. Stay away from Dave, even if he's interested. You'll not only destroy his family (he's already working on that!), but yours, AND you'll destroy the friendship he has with your husband. That's incredibly selfish, when you could simply leave and find a happier situation where you aren't harming anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 If Dave was willing to leave his wife we would discuss the way forward. This is a way into the future. I would not leave my husband for something uncertain. My husband and I are both aware that we are only together for our girls. Firstly, at some point our girls will leave home and my husband and I will split up. By that time Dave may have left his wife for someone else and I would have missed my chance. Another point is that, do we not have to show our children a good example of love? I am not suggesting an affair, but if we both feel like we could work together then we can properly deal with the situation and show our children that there is such a thing as a happy relationship. A serial cheater doesnt know how to love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 You dont know how unreasonable and selfish you sound, don't you? I want Dave but I'm not going to leave my husband if Dave doesn't want me....so where does that leave your husband? Your children? If you're willing to leave for Dave then your marriage is a joke and you should just leave period. Maybe then your husband can find a more deserving wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 The likelihood is Dave is actually happy in his marriage but was away from his wife 5 weeks out of six took advantage to have some NSA sex because the chances were low that he would be caught. You have known his wife for years, do you not have any guilt about trying to steal her husband? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 @anika and @central I misread first post - I thought OP husband was the one having ONS. I must have read to fast and thought she would have only felt justified if her hubby was cheating. Even ickier if this seems like it would be teaching the children how to act if her husband is faithful and Dave is a philanderer from the start. @OP Maybe ask his wife. I doubt he's much the prize, maybe she'll give you the go ahead and divorce him without your calculated infiltration of her marriage. Not touching this thread again without a 10 foot pole. Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 How much did it hurt that your husband cheated on you? You keep saying this; please re-read the OP's posts. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 If Dave was willing to leave his wife we would discuss the way forward. This is a way into the future. I would not leave my husband for something uncertain. My husband and I are both aware that we are only together for our girls. So just tell your husband that you consider the marriage null and void, and that you want to date other guys, including his best friend, and he is therefore free to date other women. If everything is out in the open and agreed upon then it's all good. And while you are at it, tell Dave's wife that you want to date her husband and ask her if she is OK with that. If the marriage is as bad as Dave says, then I'm sure she'll be fine with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 So Dave is the only man that you could marry? There is nothing special about a serial cheater. They will cheat with you they will cheat on you. You want to teach your children how to be adults. Having an affair is not the right way. MC, IC does not work then you get a divorce. Then start dating because you are single. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author itchyislander Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 As I have mentioned my husband and I both know that we are staying married for the sake of the girls. My husband has not had an affair to my knowledge. He has threatened to and honestly the way our relationship is I would not blame him if he did. It is my husbands idea to stay together for our girls. I am not suggesting an affair, I am suggesting that I tell Dave how I feel. IF he feels the same I know there will be difficult decisions to make and conversations to be had. Life is short to not find out. Yes Dave has cheated but I understand his current situation and would be willing to trust he would be faithful in the future. No I am not being naive. I know Dave. We are both after the same thing in life. The thing that I am concerned about is the friendship between him and my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 21, 2019 Share Posted February 21, 2019 Found my pole. Bet his wife thinks she knows him too. It must be fate that you are the one who truly knows him and can trust he won't cheat with you.:laugh: 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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