Reality check

[Blondie539]

Hi Everyone,

 

I've been lurking here for a bit. I find a lot of value in all of your posts, stories and advice.

 

I'll keep the backstory brief as it's almost a decade long relationship.

 

To sum things up: I'm the OW. MM has been in my life for almost 9 years. Our relationship was an EA all those years, up until a few months ago. That's when we took things physical.

 

As is typical for these situations, taking things physical took me from loving him to being IN love with him. He reciprocates the love, he stays in contact with me all day every day (the contact increased ten fold once we became physical), we see each other often though we're only intimate 1-2 times a week. Of course, it's all done in secrecy.

 

I had a partner for 10 years (recently broken up with him though the break up has been slowly and mutually happening for almost a year) and we have a small child.

 

MM has been with his W for many years (I believe 5), married for 2. They have a blended family with 2 children by past partners and 1 small child together.

 

MM has never told me he isn't happy with his wife, that he wants to leave her for me, that they're not sexually active, etc. He's never fed me those lines.

 

I know 100% what I have done is immoral and could devastate the lives of many. I truly struggle with guilt every day. It makes me sick thinking that his W has no clue.

 

I know that I need to end this though I just cannot find the strength. I have tried for all of these years to end it. I have pushed and pulled more times with him than I can even remember. At least 10. I always end up right back with him. I believe he knows that very well, at this point.

 

I'm here for some tips and advice of how to make that NC move. I'm struggling so badly with it.

 

As expected, I love him with all of me. I know of lust, infatuation and limerence. I've researched it heavily. I can honestly say after all of these years, it is true love on my part. I cannot and will not speak for him.

 

I'd love to hear from anyone that has some insight on how to make this break or maybe you could share how it was successful for you.

 

TIA

[eastdean]

You're both cake eating, but it sounds like you caught feels and he has not. With my 2-year A, despite the feels involved, I just had to rip the bandaid. Explained to OW, told her NC in any way shape or form, and blocked her. It felt as cruel as it sounds and I have regrets piled on regrets, but it was the only way out.

 

Even so I still think about her, years out. :/

[Blondie539]

eastdean, thank you for your reply. It's always hard to hear things directly but it's what is necessary.

 

I'm sure you're absolutely right about him not catching the feels like I have. I fear asking him because I instinctively know the answer.

 

It makes my heart ache to think I could still think about him years down the road. I'm sorry you still do with your AP but kudos to you for doing what was needed for all!

[FMW]

You're in now, there's no easy way out. You just have to do it and don't let the pain weaken your resolve. Your choice is to either stay in this unhealthy and unsatisfying situation or to do the hard work to move on.

 

There is a ton of stuff here on this forum about NC, read up on it and follow the advice. There are also many threads of people going through the same thing. Resolve to be a success story of getting out. You don't want this thread to go on for months or even years as many do.

[BaileyB]

I know that I need to end this though I just cannot find the strength.

 

I always end up right back with him. I believe he knows that very well, at this point.

 

I believe he does. Which is why, he’s not going anywhere either. He has his family, and he knows you are not going anywhere... lucky guy.

 

I haven’t had an affair, but I have gone no contact with a man that I loved. What helped me to make the decision and maintain my resolve was simply my belief in my own self worth. I knew what I wanted for my own life, and I was not going to waste my time on a relationship with an unavailable man who could not give me what I wanted. I would not allow myself to be used by a man, to meet his emotional or sexual needs, if I was not getting what I wanted in return.

 

So, I walked away... it hurt like hell but I kept my dignity, and everytime I wanted to contact him... my pride kept me from going back.

 

Now, I’m sure others will say that it is not this simple. They will say that the nature of “the affair” makes it more difficult to leave, etc... I understand that it’s difficult to end a relationship and go no contact. But, it’s still a decision. It’s a decision that you have complete control over. So, when you are ready, you will do it...

 

Good luck to you.

[Blondie539]

Finding My Way, your story has honestly been what's given even the little bit of strength I found to post here finally. Not that I ever want anyone to feel this pain so of course I wish you didn't walk the same road.

 

With your MM you didn't go full NC but rather let it die down without pursuing him, correct? Still no NC?

[Blondie539]

What helped me to make the decision and maintain my resolve was simply my belief in my own self worth. I knew what I wanted for my own life, and I was not going to waste my time on a relationship with an unavailable man who could not give me what I wanted. I would not allow myself to be used by a man, to meet his emotional or sexual needs, if I was not getting what I wanted in return.

 

I really needed this reminder! Before we took things physical I was SO strong in my resolve we never would. I somehow felt proud of that as if it made any difference, we'd been have an EA for so long already. Involved is involved.

 

I'm clearly lacking self worth right now and I'm nowhere near as confident or strong as I like to think. I know I can change that though.

 

Thank you so much for sharing your strength!

[FMW]

Right, I didn't go full NC but looking back now that was a mistake. It allowed me to continue being vulnerable to his lies. By staying in contact I allowed him to keep messing with my head. I really was in love with him, and sadly still haven't gotten fully past it yet. If you read my story then you know mine had a humiliating end.

 

I am physically in the same space with him now once a week for 4-5 hours (as explained in my thread) but I completely avoid eye contact and never speak to him. It's ridiculous, but I learned my lesson and I'm staying in lock-down as far as he's concerned.

 

So I strongly recommend complete NC.

[BaileyB]

I'm clearly lacking self worth right now and I'm nowhere near as confident or strong as I like to think. I know I can change that though.

 

Of course, you can change that!

 

Have you been to see a counsellor. This suggestion is thrown out during almost every discussion, but considering that you are in transition with the recent end of your marriage... it’s no surprise that this is the time that your affair became physical and it is exactly the time that you need to get yourself to counselling - to help you to deal with the end of your relationship and figure out what you want for your future.

[Blondie539]

considering that you are in transition with the recent end of your marriage... it’s no surprise that this is the time that your affair became physical and it is exactly the time that you need to get yourself to counselling - to help you to deal with the end of your relationship and figure out what you want for your future.

 

I can't believe I didn't even correlate the timing of these things together. It seems blatantly obvious, now that you mention it. I do have a counselor and I need to be honest with her. She has no idea about my relationship ending or about the A. I hold things way too close and keep walls up even with my counselor. Counterproductive!

[BaileyB]

If they do correlate, that says two things to me...

 

First, you were probably lonely and very vulnerable which lead your straight into the arms of the other man... where before, you had maintain some boundary.

 

Second, if he knew what was happening, he exploited your vulnerability. Not a nice thing to do. Selfish, and not in any way concerned with your best interest. Not a nice guy. That thought, would make me angry...and it would help me to find the resolve to go no contact.

[BaileyB]

I do have a counselor and I need to be honest with her. She has no idea about my relationship ending or about the A. I hold things way too close and keep walls up even with my counselor. Counterproductive!

 

Lol. What do you actually discuss in counselling...

 

And, what is the purpose of going to counselling if you are not going to be honest and deal with the issues...

[Blondie539]

If they do correlate, that says two things to me...

 

First, you were probably lonely and very vulnerable which lead your straight into the arms of the other man... where before, you had maintain some boundary.

 

Second, if he knew what was happening, he exploited your vulnerability. Not a nice thing to do. Selfish, and not in any way concerned with your best interest. Not a nice guy. That thought, would make me angry...and it would help me to find the resolve to go no contact.

 

I believe you're on the spot with these points. Which actually does make my stomach turn a bit. Of course I saw his interaction during that time as so supportive and he was standing behind me and blah blah blah. Looking back, the first thing he said to me when I confirmed the end of my relationship was "It's not because of us is it?!" Honestly, I'm surprised he didn't just take off then when the tables were no longer in balance.

 

As far as my counseling sessions: Yes, it's pretty ridiculous that I'm not open with her. She is originally my therapist for dealing with moving on froma temporary physical disability that I had for 4 years (I was essentially bed ridden and it messed with me pretty badly psychologically). I recently underwent surgery for it and am completely healed now.

 

She makes it clear I can continue to see her/talk about anything.

 

Come to think of it: A turned physical right around the time my post op period was over/I was physically healthy again. Basically, I was vulnerable in many ways when we dove into that part of the A.

 

So yes, to confirm, this is all making the idea/goal of NC a lot easier for me to come to terms with.

[FMW]

It's great that you are able to see your vulnerability and its likely source - that will help in making sure you don't repeat this experience.

 

Do, however, be diligent in taking responsibility for making your own choices. It's humbling to see our failings, but important in getting to a healthier and happier place. It gives us back our power.

 

That obviously doesn't mean excusing the MM for his part, and the more you can see how he preyed on your vulnerability the more you will lose respect for him. It's hard to want to hold on to someone you don't respect.

 

I hope you open up to your counselor about this situation. Getting over it isn't a short journey and will have its ups and downs. Every little bit of support helps!

[Blondie539]

Finding My Way,

 

Yes, I definitely must take responsibility for my part. He never pressured me into the transition to physical. I made that choice. Of course, he brought it up but we both did. He waited for me to make the call and I did that all on my own.

 

I'm now realizing that I may have fallen so hard for him is because I'd never been able to enjoy sex before. Between childhood trauma, then the temporary disability, it just wasn't a part of my life. Then so many things changed and there he was. He's the first man I've been with in a very long time and surely the first I've been able to be with, without major physical ailments in the way. I am sure that has deluded me to some degree.

 

I haven't gone full NC yet but I removed him from my SM and removed our messaging app from all of my devices. Will I be strong enough not to check again at one point? Not sure but I'm going to give myself some love for taking that step and try to stay strong.

 

He knows where I live and he knows my schedule. As you know all too well, they have a way of popping up in all of the places they know we frequent. Heck, if I ignore him long enough I can bet my life he'd just show up at my house.

 

I'm staying strong though! I will reach out to my counselor and meet with her in full disclosure. Your second to last sentence made me cry. I'm all up in my feels today.

[DKT3]

You say you were in your relationship for 10 years but involved with this other guy for 9. Let me ask, why drag the other guy along for 9 years? What did you get from that relationship?

 

I know on the surface it may seem that this question is irrelevant to ending the affair, but one of the things I've found most difficult with women in your position is not connecting the dots. Odd since women in general seem to relate all things in some fashion.

 

point being, most involved women in affairs gain something from both relationships, by isolating what was gained for both it could give you some insight into what you aren't getting from the MM. Also, losing your boyfriend will force you to look for MM to replace his value.

[Blondie539]

You say you were in your relationship for 10 years but involved with this other guy for 9. Let me ask, why drag the other guy along for 9 years? What did you get from that relationship?

 

My Ex and I are best friends. He actually knows of the affair. I told him when it first began and we spoke of it frequently over the years. I suggested many times that we part ways and move on but he really wanted to stay together and see if we could make it work. He's a lovely human being so I hoped we could make it work, as well.

 

We ultimately decided to have a baby together because we both knew we wanted children, the clock was ticking and we couldn't imagine a better person than each other to do that with. He's the most wonderful father and I'm very grateful to share a child with him.

 

He is still one of my very best friends. We actually live together so we can co-parent without either one of us missing out on things. It works well, surprisingly. We each have our own rooms, we come and go as we please and we keep the home strictly for us and the kiddo. Meaning, no new partners are allowed over to the house.

 

Since you mention gaining something from the both of them, it makes a lot of sense. I had the friendship and company of my partner and the emotional (and now physical) intimacy from MM.

 

I wish that I could have somehow been able to bring back attraction and physical intimacy into my previous relationship. We get along really well outside of that. He has a very high sex drive and he surely didn't deserve to be with someone that could never fulfill those needs for him.

[DKT3]

You do understand that it's an arrangement that cant be sustained, right? A new woman in his life will never go for this.

 

My point is, you've never had to choose, your ex is a doormat who allowed you to walk all over him, but he was also your support system. He wont be there forever. Having been using so much emotional energy on the mm you never allowed your primary relationship to develop and friendzoned your bf.

 

Unfortunately for you, that is something that will weigh on you heavily in the future, not now because again your emotional energy is being used elsewhere. I suspect this will change when another woman pulls your friendship away.

 

My point is your relationships are like a tripod and it likely takes both men to hold things up, losing one leg makes the tripod useless, no matter how much pressure you put on the other leg its simply no designed for two legs. Meaning things with MM will crush. It's only a matter of how it happens. Will you hang in there until he rejects you? Remember, you will start to pressure him for more of what you got from the weaker guy, if you haven't already. once the novelty of sex goes away, there is a good chance he will see you as more of a liability.

[Blondie539]

You do understand that it's an arrangement that cant be sustained, right? A new woman in his life will never go for this.

 

My point is, you've never had to choose, your ex is a doormat who allowed you to walk all over him, but he was also your support system. He wont be there forever. Having been using so much emotional energy on the mm you never allowed your primary relationship to develop and friendzoned your bf.

 

Unfortunately for you, that is something that will weigh on you heavily in the future, not now because again your emotional energy is being used elsewhere. I suspect this will change when another woman pulls your friendship away.

 

My point is your relationships are like a tripod and it likely takes both men to hold things up, losing one leg makes the tripod useless, no matter how much pressure you put on the other leg its simply no designed for two legs. Meaning things with MM will crush. It's only a matter of how it happens. Will you hang in there until he rejects you? Remember, you will start to pressure him for more of what you got from the weaker guy, if you haven't already. once the novelty of sex goes away, there is a good chance he will see you as more of a liability.

 

I feel like showing him that first paragraph you wrote. I keep telling him this and he insists he doesn't care and that his family comes first. I remind him that his son is his family and we are co-parenting which is vastly different from a family. I want the best for him and he won't be able to receive love from someone else, living as we do now.

 

I will always regret that I couldn't make things work with him. I feel that already and have for some time. He deserved all of my attention and he did not get that.

 

You are very right also about things will begin to change. I already feel that. I don't feel carefree and light in any of this. I never have. It's not been a game to me. I'm not saying it is for him but that seems to be the majority of the case from what I read on this forum and online. Some OW seem to take it to a completely different level than the MM. Clearly, I am one of those OW. I think it was easy for us to be super involved emotionally because we both thought it wouldn't ever really go anywhere. It did and now we have to face that.

 

I don't intend to hang around until he decides it's over. I need to pull away from him now. Not just for my own sanity but for the benefit of him and his family and so that I can focus on keeping my household as functioning as possible under the circumstances.

 

I really appreciate your honesty and direct thoughts. Quite eye opening.

[BaileyB]

DKT3 is absolutely correct.

 

There is absolutely no way that this will be sustainable because any woman would have to be out of her right mind to start a relationship with a man who is still living with his ex-wife and the mother of his child. It’s not going to happen.

 

He is also correct when he says that you never gave your marriage a fair chance. How could it ever have had the opportunity to grow and develop - you have been involved with another man for virtually your entire marriage.

 

And, if my math serves me given what you have shared, I would bet that your married man met another woman, married her, and had a child with her... all while you were in this “affair.” A man who loves a woman doesn’t do that... if he wanted to be with you, he would have made it happen. The fact that he didn’t and married another woman says it all. What he has done to his wife is unbelievably unfair.

[Blondie539]

DKT3 is absolutely correct.

 

There is absolutely no way that this will be sustainable because any woman would have to be out of her right mind to start a relationship with a man who is still living with his ex-wife and the mother of his child. It’s not going to happen.

 

He is also correct when he says that you never gave your marriage a fair chance. How could it ever have had the opportunity to grow and develop - you have been involved with another man for virtually your entire marriage.

 

And, if my math serves me given what you have shared, I would bet that your married man met another woman, married her, and had a child with her... all while you were in this “affair.” A man who loves a woman doesn’t do that... if he wanted to be with you, he would have made it happen. The fact that he didn’t and married another woman says it all. What he has done to his wife is unbelievably unfair.

 

Thank you for being direct with me. It's all really hard to hear but it's reality. I feel horrible about it all and rightfully so. I chose this path.

[Smileygrl202]

You're both cake eating, but it sounds like you caught feels and he has not. With my 2-year A, despite the feels involved, I just had to rip the bandaid. Explained to OW, told her NC in any way shape or form, and blocked her. It felt as cruel as it sounds and I have regrets piled on regrets, but it was the only way out.

 

Even so I still think about her, years out. :/

 

I’m sure you do. What exactly were you running from? Her or yourself?

[Aloha123]

Not to hi-jack this thread and turn it into a discussion of divorcing and co-parenting, but I am good friends with a couple who is divorced but still live together to raise their child and provide her with a financially stable life, and have done so for several years. They mutually wanted to divorce, and neither seems to have any problem finding new people to date.

I don't think either one of them is looking to re-marry and try to re-create the white picket fence life that didn't work so well for them to first time around. Plus there are plenty of women and men out there who are not necessarily looking to get married and/or settle down, who like living alone, who want their space etc., who are perfectly happy to date somebody they don't live with. So as long as everyone is on the same page I think this can be a sustainable arrangement. And their kid is one of the most well-adjusted teenagers I have seen!

Which isn't to say at all that it is necessarily a good set up for you.

[DKT3]

@Aloha Her husband has discussed with her her relationship with another man and has allowed her to do this thier entire relationship. He loves her, dysfunctional toxic unhealthy but he loves her. At some point it will sink in how poorly she has treated him...also at some point he will encounter a woman who will treat him well....those two factors gives this arrangement an expiration date

[Blondie539]

Aloha - we're actually working really well in the co-habitation/co-parenting department so I believe your story. Thank you for sharing

 

The ex is happily spending time with other people, exploring, doing what makes him happy in life. He is always very honest with whomever he meets in that he wants nothing outside of a casual relationship and that he lives with his sons mother. Some people have accepted that and still hang out with him, others have exited. He's okay with either.

 

We don't plan for it to be a long term living situation but for now, it works.

 

Update on things with MM: I've come to realize that I am not IN love with my AP. I love him as my friend and as someone that helped me learn so many things about myself. Obviously, it would be ideal that he were not a MM. I will always know how wrong that is and I don't pretend it's not. He has supported, encouraged and uplifted me through the hardest times of my life. Of course he holds a special place in my heart.

 

For now, I enjoy my time with him. I accept what and who he is in my life. My life is vastly changing. New career which is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'll be living alone with my son in the near future. HUGE changes in life. I know that he will be there for that as my friend but can I say he will be there as my AP? Not too sure and I'm not banking on things either way.

 

We're still "together" in the sense of an EA & PA. Since no one knows what tomorrow will bring, I know I surely don't, I am just living in the moment. Will I regret that one day? Possibly. For now, I don't. That's the honest truth .