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Really Struggling Today


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NotADayGoesBy

<February 2019 Update here>

 

 

 

I thought some of the people whose threads I've read might want to check in if they are looking for support. Or maybe it's just me :rolleyes:

 

I work with my EA partner, but we haven't seen each other in four days. I know I have to see him tonight and it's starting to make me feel sad and anxious. I am still struggling with my feelings so seeing him is hard; I remember how we used to light up when we saw each other and how much I looked forward to talking to him. I think I am overall doing better, but it's at such a glacial pace that it's hard to be patient. I'm trying to reconnect with H but that is not going as well as I'd like it to.

 

Life is extremely busy at work for us both, plus with all the activities our kids have that it's hard to find any extra time to devote to each other. I've made a decision to not take on any new commitments until January, but that doesn't help with the avalanche of responsibilities already committed to that we are dealing with now.

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InvisibleLady

Over 4 months NC! Do I wish he would reach out? My ego certainly does. Not even sure why - what could he say?? What do they say after many months of silence?

Will I reach out? NOPE!!!

 

That has to be so hard having to see xmm, especially while trying to reconnect with your H. Women take from one relationship to nuture the other which makes reconnecting hard while getting over xmm. Men compartmentalize each woman, therefore it seems they have a much easier time getting on with life post A. Your xAP has another AP and a wife, I think I read that? If that is the case be thankful he told you and you are no longer in his harem. He has probably cheated throughout his whole marriage. Stay NC. He is not even a good person.

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I am so sorry you have to see him.

 

My ex who has a gf and who I've had an A with for the past 2 months lives far so I only have to be tempted when I visit there. I'm going Thursday and it's killing me. We emailed all last week (and of course one of his was sexual...) and then he was with his gf all weekend and of course this week, no email from him. Two weeks ago, prior to last week's emailing, we spoke and I told him I couldn't be with him like that anymore - he said ok and I'm guessing is respecting my wishes by not reaching out this week (I'm going to be near his house Thursday) but it's making me sad. I know it's good he is quiet but it's hard. I will continue to be NC but I feel for you and having to see your ex.

 

I also feel you should stay away and be happy it is over. You are lucky to have a family and I am proud of you for working on making your home life better :) My husband died 2 years ago and it's been very lonely, which is probably why when my ex made the pass at me 2 months ago, I fell for it.

 

Good luck!

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Does your husband know about your affair? If not it’s going to be almost impossible to reconnect when there’s competition for your affection that he’s not even aware of.

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MadnessAndMayhem

Hi all. I’m new here. I will post my story at some point, but for now, I am almost 60 days NC with MM. It’s hard, but I am sticking to my guns. We decided we would “catch up” in 6 months, but I don’t know if that is working in my favor or against me in terms of healing. It’s like ripping the band aid half off. Good luck to everyone here—I don’t think I would wish an affair on my worst enemy!!

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NotADayGoesBy
Does your husband know about your affair? If not it’s going to be almost impossible to reconnect when there’s competition for your affection that he’s not even aware of.

 

No, there was no D day. I went from being adamant I'd never tell, to now having moments where I seriously consider it. I am holding off for now for a variety of reasons--mostly selfish--but also out of consideration of his feelings. I'm not sure the pain it would cause him is very fair--I caused this so I feel like I should deal with it alone.

 

I can't help my feelings, but there is no actual competition for my affections. OM ended things (he was already in an affair--yearh, I know) and has no intention of ever starting things up again. He's made that clear with his words and actions.

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As a madhatter I would usually say to tell. But for now just look at it like a bank robbery, moneys spent, no police at the door, stop going back to the bank. You weren’t caught and you’ve stayed away, don’t force yourself into a dday. The temptation may be strong but trust me it’s not worth it, especially with a guy who sees you as just another lady he can get with, he’s cheating with multiple women and you deserve better then this. Don’t ruin your life over someone who’s not worth it.

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NotADayGoesBy
I am so sorry you have to see him.

 

My husband died 2 years ago and it's been very lonely, which is probably why when my ex made the pass at me 2 months ago, I fell for it.

 

I'm really sorry to hear this--I can see why you would be vulnerable to your ex. You must be missing your H terribly.

 

Over 4 months NC! Do I wish he would reach out? My ego certainly does. Not even sure why - what could he say??

That has to be so hard having to see xmm, especially while trying to reconnect with your H.

 

Even though he's a jerk, I do miss his friendship, but I also know a lot of it is my ego at play. I keep trying to remind myself of that when I feel really bad. I wish it worked better than it does.

 

Thanks everyone for the support. Seeing him last night was ok--for once I didn't have to sit in a parking lot and cry before going home. But today is hard, I'm feeling the withdrawal again and it sucks. And of course it pisses me off that he has moved on his merry way and I'm still in the thick of trying to get over it. The only (and I mean, the *only*) thing I've done right in this whole mess is stay away (figuratively).

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Dissapointing

For me it’s pretty easy not to contact. The OW’s H made it clear she was to cut off and block all potential outlets of communication. I also assume her email is being reviewed so even though I am tempted daily to reach out, I know it would cause immediate consequences. I hate it so much but am also thankful for it. I also am lucky enough that she lives in another city so the chances of running into her are slim. I will be honest though, I struggle with hoping that I do run into her every day.

 

I will say that not all OMs move on as fast as women think. It’s been almost 5 months since last contact and I’m still screwed up over this and most days see no light at the end of the tunnel

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NotADayGoesBy

I now fully understand why everyone emphasizes NC, even for an emotional affair. This is so not working, especially since I’ve seen the OM a lot since Tuesday due to different circumstances. I am so miserable. I am left tonight wondering how I’m going to make it through the next month seeing him so much. For the first time, today I thought if I could arrange to never hear or see him again I’d do it. And I really hate letting people go and moving on. Leaving my job would be hard on my family though, so I am trying to tough it out. I seriously wish we could have an in person support group. It’s so lonely dealing with every day with no end in sight.

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I've worked hard at not going where I know xMM will be and was successful for 3 months. I wrote about running into him (and his wife) last week in my thread.

 

The importance of maintaining NC is so very important. Seeing him again after 3 months has just stirred it all back up for me. I wasn't over him by far but I had started to gain some peace about it. The fact that he texted me after seeing me made it even more difficult.

 

The pain of making the mistake of getting into an A just never ends. I think a lot of people probably think that's only fair. Ongoing punishment.

 

But I'm hoping in my case that seeing him (and possibly his wife) at a weekly event for the next month will actually help me at this point stop pining for him - which I hate to admit somewhere deep inside I still do. I'm hoping the ridiculous and disgusting reality of the situation will drive it out of me. I may be fooling myself though. Ugh.

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Dissapointing

I couldn’t handle seeing her on a weekly basis. It takes everything in me to not reach out now and I haven’t seen her for 4 months, not even in passing. I don’t know how some of you can handle seeing the other person.

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I now fully understand why everyone emphasizes NC, even for an emotional affair. This is so not working, especially since I’ve seen the OM a lot since Tuesday due to different circumstances. I am so miserable. I am left tonight wondering how I’m going to make it through the next month seeing him so much. For the first time, today I thought if I could arrange to never hear or see him again I’d do it. And I really hate letting people go and moving on. Leaving my job would be hard on my family though, so I am trying to tough it out. I seriously wish we could have an in person support group. It’s so lonely dealing with every day with no end in sight.

 

 

 

I'm so sorry your struggling, I've been there, I know your pain. Its been a year and a half for me, it still hurts when I see him sometimes at work, especially since I'm so unhappy in my marriage. I fortunately had a very good friend to confide in. LS too helped.

I think once your on LS for a while, your able to private message other members, I'm not sure the guidelines, I tried to private message you and wasn't able too. Once your able to private message, your welcome to message me anytime if you want to talk. I know what your going through and wish we could talk. Hang in there. Big hugs

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I couldn’t handle seeing her on a weekly basis. It takes everything in me to not reach out now and I haven’t seen her for 4 months, not even in passing. I don’t know how some of you can handle seeing the other person.

 

The first time I saw xMM with his wife was earlier this year - more than 3 years after I got involved with him. Actually seeing her and him together has had a lot to do with helping me start to let go. It's hard to deny their relationship when it's in my face! And it makes me feel kind of sick and disgusted. It's a brutal way to get over it, but maybe this will be the way that works for good.

 

Just seeing him alone leaves too much chance for him to give me hope because he watches me and tries to interact. But he ignores me when he's with her.

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AShatteredHeart

Oh boy! It is really hard for you to work with him especially you guys in the same company, I feel for you and completely understand what you are feeling and going through right now.

 

To tell you the truth, it's so painful like hell as I couldn't talk to nobody, felt so sad that I cried everyday, blamed myself, hate myself, angry at myself, I didn't want to see him, didn't want to talk to him or even looked at him as it would make me cry like crazy, I cannot stay friend with him either as it would hurt me real bad, all kind of things that made me feel the worst ever in my life, I planned to go see a psychologist, but I didn't as I didn't think nobody could help me, the only person can help me is myself.

 

So I start one day at a time thinking about myself, not about him so much anymore even though sometimes his image quickly flashes through my mind during the day or I bump into him accidentally, but I think about my family, about myself to get me go thru day by day. I have been exercising before so now is not a problem, starting going back to school and reading a lot, these 3 things keep my mind and brain occupied to shift the focus to myself and my family.

 

You cannot get rid the feeling you're having right now over night, don't force it, eventually it will be gone by itself as long as you decide and stick to it.

 

Wish you the best and stay strong for yourself and your family, it's more important.

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InvisibleLady

NotADay, I am sorry seeing him is hurting you. That is so hard and I really feel for you.

I also haven't spoken to anyone about my situation (except for one IC session). And didn't find LS until months after ending things with xmm. I was so alone in my suffering. I think had I found LS sooner I would not have continued the LC we had for a while. Maybe I would have realized sooner how bad of a set back it would be for me. At the time whatever breadcrumbs I could get was relieving the agony, or so I thought. But it really delayed healing and made it worse. Stay strong and NC as best as you can.

 

 

Disappointing, thank you for adding a man's perspective of NC. Last time I was in contact with xmm (4 months ago) he mentioned that he still thinks of me everyday and it hasn't gotten better with time. I don't know if it's true or not, I assumed it was lies maybe to keep the door a crack open. But since he has not reached out since that time (and I won't), maybe that's not the case.

 

 

Finding My Way, that is definitely a brutal way to heal! But allow the fact that he ignores you in W's presence to remind you she will always come first and be the priority and interacting with him in her absence will NEVER change that. You deserve so much more than that!

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This is just a thought...maybe anonymously send his betrayed wife a message telling her his betrayal, maybe she will force him to find another job, then you can start healing without him around. This will be a constant struggle for you if you have to see him all the time. I know you probably hate to do this, you genuinely sound like a good person, but did he consider your feelings, the OW or his betrayed wife? I think he needs to be caught before he hurts any other woman.

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This is just a thought...maybe anonymously send his betrayed wife a message telling her his betrayal, maybe she will force him to find another job, then you can start healing without him around..

 

How did you do that with your AP? How did it work out? I mention it because it's the topic of the discussion ;)

 

My way was sending the MW's love letters and cards to her H at his ranch. Worked great. I didn't work with her, rather was a vendor constantly at the site she worked at. She avoided me after that.

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How did you do that with your AP? How did it work out? I mention it because it's the topic of the discussion ;)

 

My way was sending the MW's love letters and cards to her H at his ranch. Worked great. I didn't work with her, rather was a vendor constantly at the site she worked at. She avoided me after that.

 

My situation was different, I didn’t need to contact MM wife, I work very little with him, so getting over him was a little easier then OP, it still took me a year and half though, my position is PT, his is FT, we talked a little about it and I had some closure. I worked hard to forgive him because it was a short fling that got out of hand, I did not want things to be weird between us, I know the guilt he carried, neither one of us wants to jeopardize anything that we have. We are friends now and I’m happy for that and work well together when we do work together which isn’t often. I learned so much from it and do not ever want to enter that fog again, I fell so hard for him and still hurts when I see him because I still have such a thing for him. I know the pain OP is going through and wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I never thought I would get into such a mess but it happened and no one understands unless it happens to them.

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NotADayGoesBy
This is just a thought...maybe anonymously send his betrayed wife a message telling her his betrayal, maybe she will force him to find another job, then you can start healing without him around.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure what would happen if I did this. My guess is he would be relieved the decision was made for him--I think his PA is an exit affair. But who knows, really. I'm going by things he told me which is skewed to his perspective.

 

Actually, I've been hoping and hoping that he would get caught in his other affair because then maybe he would leave. I know his other AP works with us, but I'm not sure who--I have it narrowed down to 2 people, which adds an extra layer of hell to this situation, because one of them is a friend of mine so I'm always wondering. It's awful. But the other person is a sort of boss of his, so maybe he'd be forced out if it came to light. Dumb to be jealous I know, but like I've said before, I seem to have no control over my emotions with this whole situation. Thank you for trying to PM me, hopefully my account will allow me to do that soon.

 

Tree HuggerI read enough of your thread to get the gist of what happened. I'm sorry he showed up unexpectedly (with the wife no less!)--it must have been a terrible shock. Good for you for not running home (I probably would have). I can understand why seeing him again so unexpectedly has set you back.

 

Invisible Lady You're right, finding LS has been a huge help. Not just for the support, but for validation that I'm not losing my mind. It was a relief to find out what I'm going through is considered normal in this situation.

 

Dissapointing Thank you for sharing your perspective. I feel for you and your situation; even mine is different, I felt I could still relate to your story. Hang in there.

 

I can't thank you all enough for your responses and support--for some reason Fridays are hard. I keep telling myself: 'the person who hurt you can't heal you' when I'm tempted to go talk to him. Sometimes I take my own breath away when I realize the extent of the damage I managed to do to my life in such a short period of time.

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Let me just say that the problem with NC is you have to mean it. You have to really really mean it - whatever method you use to contact me, I won't respond. And that's where I've been stuck. I've gone cold turkey with alcohol, I've quit other relationships and changed my phone number. Why is this one so, so hard to get rid of, even when it's reduced down to so, so little?

 

I oscillate between writing 'goodbye' emails (to be followed by blocking) that I send to myself, and fantasizing BDSM scenes with MM. (Hahaha. He's in a BDSM scene, involving a ball and chain, and I hear it's been ongoing).

 

One of the things that I think holds me back is unresolved issues in myself. Like, I discovered this side of myself that's untrustworthy, that craves excitement, sneaking around, and the high that come with it, and I want to know what that means. Could I get the same high other ways? Is there something that I could do that my SO would be consenting of - or, wouldn't make me miserable that I could incorporate into the view that I have of myself without discomfort? Or do I need to (as MM put it once) let it all go and live a vanilla existence like everyone else.

 

I think the answer really is no contact. But the issues are 1) meaning it, and 2) really meaning it, next time I have to see him. There will be a next time. The distance and the space may be enough that I can see clearly next time I do see him - but I'm scared I'll go NC, only to fall apart next time I see him. Forward one step, back a thousand.

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Dissapointing

I cannot see another way forward other than NC but I hate it. I haven’t seen my AP for 4 months and have had no contact whatsoever. It’s awful that I think “wow, she got over me fast” instead of “great, we are both moving on with our lives”. I’m depressed over the thought of never talking to her again but I have anxiety attacks any time I’m somewhere that I could possibly run into her. I think I’m just afraid it will reset my healing clock back to zero.

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It's not something I have to try to do anymore, it's just what I do. I don't even want to be near him anymore. I want him to find his own way to healing for himself, and part of that is for me to be out of the picture completely. Having said that though, I believe there is a low probability of him wanting to heal. But it's higher than it would be if I were still around him. NC 1.5 years.

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NotADayGoesBy
Let me just say that the problem with NC is you have to mean it. You have to really really mean it - whatever method you use to contact me, I won't respond. And that's where I've been stuck. I've gone cold turkey with alcohol, I've quit other relationships and changed my phone number. Why is this one so, so hard to get rid of, even when it's reduced down to so, so little?

 

I oscillate between writing 'goodbye' emails (to be followed by blocking) that I send to myself, and fantasizing BDSM scenes with MM. (Hahaha. He's in a BDSM scene, involving a ball and chain, and I hear it's been ongoing).

 

One of the things that I think holds me back is unresolved issues in myself. Like, I discovered this side of myself that's untrustworthy, that craves excitement, sneaking around, and the high that come with it, and I want to know what that means. Could I get the same high other ways? Is there something that I could do that my SO would be consenting of - or, wouldn't make me miserable that I could incorporate into the view that I have of myself without discomfort? Or do I need to (as MM put it once) let it all go and live a vanilla existence like everyone else.

 

I think the answer really is no contact. But the issues are 1) meaning it, and 2) really meaning it, next time I have to see him. There will be a next time. The distance and the space may be enough that I can see clearly next time I do see him - but I'm scared I'll go NC, only to fall apart next time I see him. Forward one step, back a thousand.

 

I am struggling with this too. I actually found an interesting article today:

 

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/im-having-affair-addiction-graeme-armstrong

 

The article wouldn’t let me copy chunks, but what caught my eye was “she wasn’t addicted to the AP; it is the unlived part of herself that she is drawn to.”

That resonated with me a lot. I live in a quiet small town in a “reserved” part of the country with a wonderful man who is also very reserved and kind of vanilla. With my EAP I was able to be completely myself, and be the slightly wild and sexual person I used to be (through sharing fantasies and lines via email, not physically). I realized I missed her. And with him, I could so easily be her—just ME—not wife, mother, etc. just me. I know that is due to the affair bubble, but it’s intoxicating and hard to resist.

 

Disappointing I don’t blame you for feeling anxious about accidentally running into her. I think you’re right, it would set you back. I have been going through the high/withdrawal cycle each week for several weeks and I feel like I’m about to crack. The reason I have to see EAP so much lately is we’re in a play together. I actually have to touch and hug him in this show. It’s a nightmare. It’s fine in rehearsal because it’s all very professional, but it’s afterwards I fall apart.

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