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After 3 months, he confessed he’s a MM, so I was unknowingly the OW


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I’ve read SO many posts here, and I really want to thank this forum for existing. It really helped me through a rough patch, after I first found out.

 

The backstory -- we dated and were incredibly emotionally intimate for 3 months. Talked on the phone almost every day, typically for an hour or more. Texted daily. But more important (to me), we were close, sharing of ourselves and emotionally open. (This is typically not easy for me, but I felt safe with him from the start.)

 

We were long distance (LOL, now I know this for a potential red flag, but I didn’t know it then). Whenever we were together (typically every 3 weeks), it was magical and so emotionally connected.

 

I’ve been in love only once before, and it felt the same as it did with him. I’m not very emotional (if you know anything about tarot, my signifier is Queen of Swords); I am much more analytical and a lawyer by trade. I know my balance is an emotional man, because my default setting is to be somewhat cold. (The main thing I’m passionate about is social justice.)

 

From the beginning, he told me that he was divorced and that he lived with his mother. (This is very common in the culture where I live. I wasn’t born in this country, but my parents are from here; and I’ll almost certainly live with and take care of them in the next 10 years.) I believed him.

 

Over the weekend, he said he was sorry for lying that he was divorced and said that he was neither divorced nor separated. Cue ending of everything.

 

I have done NC since Sunday. Actually his last text -- just a simple “Ok” -- is still unread, because that little mark keeps me from opening the chat room and re-reading all of our previous texts, therefore keeping me from obsessing.

 

There is no world in which I allow myself to be party to hurting someone innocent (his wife). I didn’t know before, so I forgive myself for that. But I will not continue down that path. And I need strength to stay the course.

 

I am mostly past blaming myself and mostly past feeling like a dupe. I was open and vulnerable with him because I thought and hoped we had a future. Except for one small thing (physical appearance), he was everything I ever wanted in a partner.

 

And I believe that me hoping is a positive thing. Especially true for me, because my last serious relationship (2007-2010) was abusive. I also need to say that I have abandonment issues from my parents. I was in therapy for 5 years for these wounds and it really helped. Therapy helped me inform my parents what I needed and they responded by doing what I needed.

 

I realized today that, under our previous schedule, we would have had 3 phone conversations by now. Three times and four days where I felt cared for, felt heard, felt emotional support. I have healed my relationship with my parents but they remain incredibly selfish people. (I had a fight with them last night because they reacted to my medical news (nothing life-threatening) by reverting to how they were before.)

 

So what is your advice to me? It will likely be good for me to hear reiteration that I should maintain NC. (I don’t want to hear it but I think it’s good for me.)

 

Sorry this is so long. I tried to keep it brief but I’m super confused rn.

 

Also, no worries if you take your time in responding. I live in Asia so we’re 14-17 hours ahead of y’all. During your evening time, I’ll reply as I’m able on smoke breaks.

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I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are doing the right thing by not reading past conversations and creating obsession. The only suggestion I can make is to make sure in the future that you visit a man's home (even if he lives with his parents) to make sure he isn't married. Even then you can be fooled. If you find yourself struggling too much with this a therapist may help.

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somanymistakes

Sorry this happened to you! It sucks when people lie and take advantage just to get what they want.

 

Complete no-contact is best. You already know he's a lying weasel. If you give him an inch, he will try to find a way to spin things so he can lure you back. He doesn't care about what's best for you, he wants to get what he can get. Brick up that wall, don't let him in.

 

Be proud of yourself for getting out, and for learning more things to look out for in the future. Developing more skills for evaluating partners will help lead you to a good relationship eventually.

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I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are doing the right thing by not reading past conversations and creating obsession. The only suggestion I can make is to make sure in the future that you visit a man's home (even if he lives with his parents) to make sure he isn't married. Even then you can be fooled. If you find yourself struggling too much with this a therapist may help.

 

Thank you. I have totally added that to the list of verifications from now on! And also looking them in the eye as I ask, "Are you married? Have you ever been married?" This truly was a lesson that I never imagined I'd have to learn T_T

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Sorry this happened to you! It sucks when people lie and take advantage just to get what they want.

 

Complete no-contact is best. You already know he's a lying weasel. If you give him an inch, he will try to find a way to spin things so he can lure you back. He doesn't care about what's best for you, he wants to get what he can get. Brick up that wall, don't let him in.

 

Be proud of yourself for getting out, and for learning more things to look out for in the future. Developing more skills for evaluating partners will help lead you to a good relationship eventually.

 

Thank you for the reminder on NC. And I agree that I have learned many lessons from this debacle. And things to check for in the future.

 

I do want to stay out of the messiness. I don't want to contribute to hurting his wife, because no matter what he says, he chose to cheat rather than divorce. But damn do I miss him incredibly wahhhh

 

I guess it's because I'm so stunted in emotional relationships that I didn't know how to weed people out?

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I guess it's because I'm so stunted in emotional relationships that I didn't know how to weed people out?

 

 

 

Don't beat yourself up too badly. No one is so smart that they can't be blindsided.

 

Agreeing with others above that full, complete NC will make it easiest on you emotionally (possibly not immediately, but certainly in the longer term.) Suggest you keep posting here as well as reaching out to sympathetic family and friends if you need additional support, which you may.

 

 

So what is your advice to me? ... I’ll reply as I’m able on smoke breaks.

 

Quit.

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I hope you find the strength to stay in NC with him. He lied to you from day one and is married.

 

Grieve the loss and rely on your friends for support. This guy isn't worthy of your time and energy. Now you know he's not available I hope you see that you deserve a guy that can commit only to you, and that's not him.

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I think you did the right and hard thing by nipping it in the bud--beware of his trying to lure you back or you trying to convince yourself it's okay to go back.

 

Moving forward, you may want to investigate ways to become your own source of love and support.

 

I understand what it's like not to have anyone being there for you. My parents didn't always work as emotional support either.

 

This might mean getting more into a hobby, spending more time alone, or just whatever activity brings you peace, love, groundedness.

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Hello OP - I am very sorry this happened to you, but I am glad you’re getting out now before being even more attached. It is horrible how he’s deceived you and hopefully seeing so quickly the kind of man he is will allow you more peace as you move forward.

 

My advice would be to prepare yourself that he will come back and try to draw you back in. Hold firm and don’t listen to any of his words when he talks about divorce or separating because I do believe that is what will happen. He will let you cool off for a bit first.

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Mrs._December

I too was duped by a sleazy lying married man, claiming his divorce was pending.

 

All lies.

 

When I found out the truth, I went right to his wife and told her everything.

 

Anyone with the ability to con an innocent woman into a romantic relationship when he has NO right to do so deserves every rotten thing he gets.

 

I'd tell his wife if I were you. She needs to know what kind of scumbag she really married.

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When you go on the first date - try to find out enough info (while making small talk) to do a back round check on him. His name and where he grew up and where he lives now - ask about siblings etc...

 

Then pay a few dollars to do a check. I can tell you 70% of my first dates turned out to be married... and have dates while traveling for work.

 

One guy even told me he “lived in” a hotel in the area...because he’s travels so much for work... ya right. No kiss for him.

 

Do your homework. Do it before the second date. The first date is for gathering info, seriously.

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I'm so sorry. He's a complete creep and I hope he gets a horrific case of diarrhea that lasts for days.

 

Many hugs to you. I'm sorry he was such a liar and cheater.

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I was in the same situation as you. I was also that unknowingly OW - the only difference was that it took me 4 years before finding out.

 

I even posted it here:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/675306-fiance-actually-married

 

 

I too, couldn't believe how heartless these guys can be... I mean cheating on your wife is one thing but to fool a woman like that? That's heartless and so cruel. I am still full of hatred.

 

And yes I also blamed myself for it because now that I think about it, there were lots of signs that I noticed but choose to ignored. And whenever I ask him about whether he's really divorced or still married - he always corrects me that he's not. He even talked about marrying me and asked me to find a place where he could stay every time he visits.

 

The thing that really hurts was that; their family looks incredibly happy. His wife looks like a happy person. It makes me angry that he's happy like that but hurt-ed me like this. Destroyed my dreams and wasted my time.

 

 

Like you, reading threads here on LS really did help to ease the pain even just a bit - knowing that you're not alone. It's hard especially in that situation where you cannot even depend on your family to understand and help you out in this situation.

 

 

I am not sure about the whole NC thing bcoz it never works for me... it just makes me wonder and wonder how he is doing. And makes me miss him more.

 

 

To tell you the truth; if I could reread all o our past conversations (Especially last year) just so I can see clearly if there were parts that I should've noticed. Remember then and think of how much of a liar he was. When that truly sync in to you -slowly it will turn to hatred.

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I hope you find the strength to stay in NC with him. He lied to you from day one and is married.

 

Grieve the loss and rely on your friends for support. This guy isn't worthy of your time and energy. Now you know he's not available I hope you see that you deserve a guy that can commit only to you, and that's not him.

 

Thank you for these words. It’s been harder today so I needed to hear them

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I too was duped by a sleazy lying married man, claiming his divorce was pending.

 

All lies.

 

When I found out the truth, I went right to his wife and told her everything.

 

Anyone with the ability to con an innocent woman into a romantic relationship when he has NO right to do so deserves every rotten thing he gets.

 

I'd tell his wife if I were you. She needs to know what kind of scumbag she really married.

 

That'd be social justice! Maybe one day.

 

Stay NC, Jjigae, for yourself.

 

That lying conman may have shown you that you are not cold as you thought you were, that you do love and you do have passion to give when the right man comes and is deserving of all of you.

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Ahh, it's been a week now and yesterday I could only manage to feed myself :(

 

Thank you, for the encouragement and reminder on keeping NC:

@mark_clemson

@Abetterme

@BTDT2012

@Mrs._December

 

Thank you, for the kind words, advice, and support:

@S2B

@Wallysbears

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I think you did the right and hard thing by nipping it in the bud--beware of his trying to lure you back or you trying to convince yourself it's okay to go back.

 

Moving forward, you may want to investigate ways to become your own source of love and support.

 

I understand what it's like not to have anyone being there for you. My parents didn't always work as emotional support either.

 

This might mean getting more into a hobby, spending more time alone, or just whatever activity brings you peace, love, groundedness.

 

Thanks for this support. My brother and I have accepted that our parents demand our emotional support but do not know how to give it to us themselves -- but sometimes their selfishness/inability to nurture just rears up and is more challenging to deal with emotionally.

 

What upsets me is that I DID focus on self-care and thought I got there. I took a break from dating entirely for almost 2 years, because I wanted to know that I could be on my own. Then the rug was pulled out from under me.

 

I guess this is kind of a leveling up? Like, it's one thing to be kind to yourself when you're untested. It's another to remain kind to yourself in the face of adversity? That's what I tell myself. It kind of helps.

 

Thank you again for your support.

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I was in the same situation as you. I was also that unknowingly OW - the only difference was that it took me 4 years before finding out.

...

Like you, reading threads here on LS really did help to ease the pain even just a bit - knowing that you're not alone. It's hard especially in that situation where you cannot even depend on your family to understand and help you out in this situation.

...

To tell you the truth; if I could reread all o our past conversations (Especially last year) just so I can see clearly if there were parts that I should've noticed. Remember then and think of how much of a liar he was. When that truly sync in to you -slowly it will turn to hatred.

 

I'm so sorry that you went through this too. I cannot imagine for 4 years! So much emotional connection and bonding in that time. It hurts a lot after 3 months, so my heart goes out to you.

 

And yes, it's totally true about parents. I have not told them yet because I don't want to hear things like "How couldn't you know he was married?" I'm working through my own self-blame for being a dupe. I don't need their on top, so boundaries.

 

I don't want to reread the texts. And that little marker showing his last text is unread ... that keeps me from opening the chat room. It's better for me, I think. But I understand where you're coming from.

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That'd be social justice! Maybe one day.

 

Stay NC, Jjigae, for yourself.

 

That lying conman may have shown you that you are not cold as you thought you were, that you do love and you do have passion to give when the right man comes and is deserving of all of you.

 

Thank you SO MUCH for this -- it really helped me. And yes, my best friend tells me the same thing -- that I was trying, that I kept myself open even though it was so hard for me, and that was really good progress in my journey to love.

 

More than once, and including during our last conversation, the MM said I was "really emotionally brave." I didn't understand fully before, but now I understand he was talking in comparison -- because he was not emotionally brave enough to divorce.

 

And it's new for me but I will keep trying. Now I know that I can be open and warm and I do have love to give. I didn't know these things before.

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I have a follow-up question, if anyone has any insight?

 

Why did he tell me? Like, why did he confess? And why now? There was no D-Day. He said he thought he would wait until he moved out of the country over the summer, but then that would cause more hurt to me, and so that's why he told me now.

 

He also said that he told me because otherwise I would blame myself and go back into my cycle of believing that I am unlovable. If it matters, he 100% knew that I would break up with him after he told me. In a lot of ways, he knows me better than I know myself.

 

And I guess it's possible that was his reason -- but I distrust it. There has to be more, right? Guilt? It got too hard to keep up the deception? Or after starting everything on a bed of lies, he wanted to be honorable, even if too late? Or he wanted to break up but wanted me to do it?

 

I'd appreciate any insight.

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Possibly the things he said are part of it. Guilt also comes to mind as you said. Possibly also self-protection in that if shows no consideration of your feelings at all you are more likely to talk to his wife out of anger.

 

So, a combination of multiple reasons at once perhaps?

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