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Here we are again...


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I've been on here before :/

 

About 10 years ago I met a guy I liked straight away, we had an instant connection. I didn't know he was married but eventually I did and we were already in an affair.

 

I got pregnant, he left his wife, we ended up together.

 

All in all we were together 6 years, then he cheated on me during a rough patch with another girl. Things happened, I told her in an attempt to basically end it all and get myself out, and they somehow ended up married.

 

Anyway, they were not married long before our flirting at kid drop offs became something more on his part. This went up and down for a few years, I didn't do anything about it.

 

Last week after 5 years or something we ended up sleeping together and we've been chatting on the phone for hours on end. This time around, there is no extra pressure that he wants to leave his wife or I want him to, it's really because we just like being around each other and I've never been able to break the bond. He has said he still loves me etc etc, and we have stayed friends for years.

 

I know how terrible these things sound on paper, but obviously in real life it's different and people aren't so black and white. They aren't sleeping together much (yes yes I know they lie, I've seen proof) and I haven't had anyone since him so there's that too.

 

I don't know what I really want. I'm annoyed I'm back in the same spot, annoyed that no matter what he does (other than cheating he's not 'nasty') I still feel the same and even after a good two years of trying through therapy to break the bond, I can't.

 

The only advice anyone with a brain is going to give me is 'walk away, your'e better, you'll find someone else blah blah" but the truth is I haven't and don't know why. I do try and I've been out on some dates but I've just never felt any chemistry with them so was up front and we remained friends.

 

Any thoughts?

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somanymistakes

Well, you both know what each other are, anyway. The only question is - does his current wife know what's going on?

 

Because if she decides to accept it (after all, she married this cheating man too) and you're all happy being in a weird complicated mess of a relationship, you CAN do it that way. You don't have to cut him off if this is what you want, warts and all.

 

But if what you want is for him to dump her and be yours alone forever, then you need to splash some cold water on your face and try to find reality, because THAT will never happen. He is who he is. He's a man with poor boundaries who will pursue women he feels a connection with regardless of any promises he's made in the past. You could marry him again, he'd stray again.

 

Do you want him the way that he is?

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As long as you realize staying tied up in this you won't have time or see Mr Right if he should come along.

 

Life is really short

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You cant spend all your money and save all your money. This "connection" will always prevent you from seeing things in other men and keep you stuck. Its unlikely you will find instant chemistry with anyone, especially if you are comparing them to someone you've been obsessed with for over a decade.

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They aren't sleeping together much (yes yes I know they lie, I've seen proof)

 

Any thoughts?

 

What possible proof do you have that they are not sleeping together? Unless you have a camera in their bedroom or wherever else they could be intimate, you can't have any proof. Anything he shows you that is supposedly from her could be fake.

 

Honestly in cases like yours, wouldn't something like polyamory be better? Then at least there would be no deception going on. Any exploitation, anything done without consent, and anything done with lies and deception is wrong.

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Well, you both know what each other are, anyway. The only question is - does his current wife know what's going on?

 

Because if she decides to accept it (after all, she married this cheating man too) and you're all happy being in a weird complicated mess of a relationship, you CAN do it that way. You don't have to cut him off if this is what you want, warts and all.

 

But if what you want is for him to dump her and be yours alone forever, then you need to splash some cold water on your face and try to find reality, because THAT will never happen. He is who he is. He's a man with poor boundaries who will pursue women he feels a connection with regardless of any promises he's made in the past. You could marry him again, he'd stray again.

 

Do you want him the way that he is?

 

 

I do worry I'll want him back if it continues like this too long, but at the moment no, I don't want him back. I know I couldn't trust him when it comes to being faithful and the problem is, he would never sleep with someone he has no emotional connection with. So I know if he cheated, he's feeling more.

 

What I want is just have him be in my life. I do love him, and he's told me all the things he thinks/feels and from that alone I know he's not a good 'partner'. I know him pretty well at this point and he doesn't pretend to be who he's not, which I think is probably a bit of freedom for him as well. I just can't handle the idea of having zero r/ship with him.

 

His wife and I have a complicated r/ship. I told her the truth about him, but she was being a bitch at that point. Me and him had just broken up and she did a few things to 'rub it in', which she has since apologised for. She seems very unhappy and her and I have talked, so I know she knows he can be a liar. She tries to keep him on a very short leash, but for some reason is not sleeping with him (it's been 8 months) and they've only been married a relatively short time. Why would someone not sleep with someone they KNOW has a history of cheating? It's kinda odd.

 

At this point I don't feel he IS blocking me from finding someone else. When I was briefly kind of dating someone, he knew and he backs off and I told him I was seeing how it goes. He's fine with that, I'm fine with that. We just talk as friends. I dated this guy a few times to find chemistry and gave it a shot but it just wasn't there. I don't think that's because of my ex, as I did briefly date someone who I did have chemistry with, but just wasn't a good fit.

 

I am a bit worried I'll get sucked in too deep and want him back, that's my main concern. I do feel guilty about his wife, but her horrible behaviour to me at the start effects that.

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What possible proof do you have that they are not sleeping together? Unless you have a camera in their bedroom or wherever else they could be intimate, you can't have any proof. Anything he shows you that is supposedly from her could be fake.

 

Honestly in cases like yours, wouldn't something like polyamory be better? Then at least there would be no deception going on. Any exploitation, anything done without consent, and anything done with lies and deception is wrong.

 

I was with him when she texted him and it was in reply to their long convo about lack of sex. She's also mentioned it to me.

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Mrs._December

Telling you how nauseatingly vile this serial cheater is will do nothing to help because you simply refuse to see him for what he really is.

 

But refusing to see him for what he really is is a choice you've made. And that's because that works for you and you get to continue wasting your time with him. If you were to REALLY see this guy for what he IS, that would mean the end of this dysfunctional, sick waltz you've danced with him for far too long.

 

At one time, you were a victim of this sleazy, lying con artist who tricked you into dating him and sleeping with him. Call a spade a spade. That's exactly what he did. When you found out what a nasty lying low life he was for tricking you, instead of kicking him to curb, you rewarded him for disrespecting you by disrespecting yourself and staying with him. That's exactly what you did.

 

That's when you lost your victim status and became a volunteer.

 

And as long as you continue to disrespect yourself by volunteering to spend time with this lying serial cheater, you'll never get to a better place in your life.

 

Sadly, you've been down in the mud with this low life so long that you don't even realize how far down the rabbit hole you've actually gone.

 

You asked for our thoughts, and those are mine. Sorry. :(

Edited by Mrs._December
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That's okay, I know plenty of people will see it that way...I appreciate your thoughts, there's definitely some truth in it.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Unless and until you get ready to extricate yourself from this situation nothing will change. You know all the reasons you should, but your desire/commitment to sticking with it are stronger than your unhappiness. You haven't reached your limit yet, and only you will know when you have.

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I agree with the last two posters. There is a lot of denial in your words. No, he may not be physically involved with you not getting on with other men, but you are emotionally dependent upon him and that prevents you from finding true interest and connection with other men.

 

At this rate, you will be that woman who put her life on hold for something you know cant work. You will wake up 65 and alone having wasted your life in denial.

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I agree with the last two posters. There is a lot of denial in your words. No, he may not be physically involved with you not getting on with other men, but you are emotionally dependent upon him and that prevents you from finding true interest and connection with other men.

 

At this rate, you will be that woman who put her life on hold for something you know cant work. You will wake up 65 and alone having wasted your life in denial.

 

 

I agree with the denial but I honestly don't think he is stopping me from anything. I would be sad to let him go if I met someone else but I wouldn't choose him over a potential new partner. I just haven't met anyone and it's just not that easy to - this is a small town with mostly families and already married men.

 

I'm not unhappy whatsoever in general - I have a great group of friends, I adore my son, have a great job.

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I agree with the denial but I honestly don't think he is stopping me from anything. I would be sad to let him go if I met someone else but I wouldn't choose him over a potential new partner. I just haven't met anyone and it's just not that easy to - this is a small town with mostly families and already married men.

 

I'm not unhappy whatsoever in general - I have a great group of friends, I adore my son, have a great job.

 

Well, if that is the case... keep your light on and your door unlocked and he will come and go from your life as he pleases.

 

Reminds me of a favorite saying by Henry Ford, “whether you think you can, or think you can’t, you are right.” Except, I would say... “whether you think you deserve more, or think you don’t, you are right.”

Edited by BaileyB
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I wish I could cut him off, I really have tried. It must be so much easier with no contact available.

 

I don't believe you do want to....you mentioned before that your life was happy and that you WANTED him in your life. If and when that changes then you will have no problem moving on, right now your words are mixed but your actions only support the "I want him part" with all the talk of freedom because you know one another so well. Which by the way, I also dont believe. If it were true you would have known he would be back in your bed. If you really knew him you would have never allowed it.

 

Here is what I believe (not that it matters) you very much want a life with him, you are hanging around hoping and wishing that he will change and ultimately pick you. That is why you allow him to hang around, that is why you allow him to climb in your bed. I suspect those other guys were all part of your plan to reach your goal, to test his reaction. Dating a couple guys over several years doesn't seem like someone trying to move on. Seems like someone hanging on.

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I wish I could cut him off, I really have tried. It must be so much easier with no contact available.

 

The thing that comes across so clearly to me in your ever post... passivity.

 

Life will just happen to you, if you don’t take control and make your own decisions.

 

This is YOUR life. You create the life you imagine. What is it that YOU want for yourself, and your son?

 

I too think you want him back in your life, or you wouldn’t have let him back in your bed. Why you would want a serial cheat, I’m not sure.

Edited by BaileyB
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I don't believe you do want to....you mentioned before that your life was happy and that you WANTED him in your life. If and when that changes then you will have no problem moving on, right now your words are mixed but your actions only support the "I want him part" with all the talk of freedom because you know one another so well. Which by the way, I also dont believe. If it were true you would have known he would be back in your bed. If you really knew him you would have never allowed it.

 

Here is what I believe (not that it matters) you very much want a life with him, you are hanging around hoping and wishing that he will change and ultimately pick you. That is why you allow him to hang around, that is why you allow him to climb in your bed. I suspect those other guys were all part of your plan to reach your goal, to test his reaction. Dating a couple guys over several years doesn't seem like someone trying to move on. Seems like someone hanging on.

 

 

Nah, that's not how I feel.

 

I don't find it easy to find guys to date, so it's not like I am turning down anyone. I haven't been able to find anyone in those years. As I said, I live in a small town with not many single men. I can't unfortunately make them grow on trees. I definitely don't have a plan to 'get him back'. We haven't really done anything over the 4 years except flirt, it only ramped up in the last 6 months or so. For about two years we had minimal contact other than drop offs, and I was at counselling trying to move on. He was at counselling trying to do whatever...I don't think he can change though.

 

I knew he would try and come back eventually as I knew they would probably have issues due to a few other things I don't really want online, but just factors that would inhibit a r/ship in general. He did pretty early on 'try' but at the time we hadn't really spoken much for a few years and so I was actually quite put off and said no.

 

I don't want a life with him at this point in time because literally everyone in my life knows he can be a dick and I wouldn't want to move my son back in with him only for it to be disappointing. I definitely do want what I can't have at times and I'm sure that's a factor, but previous to the last month or two, I have tried for 4 years to not feel anything for him.

 

But I have to see him every single week, and just seeing him is enough to remember anyway.

 

I have wanted for years to not feel that about him, but none of the things I tried worked. If everyone just could do what they know would be ideal and right, then this forum would not exist.

 

I have zero will power when it comes to him and don't know how to change that.

 

But I do not want him as a 'partner', I just want to be around him even though I don't know why.

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Tessa, figure out why you want him in your life. Really think about it. Write it down.

 

The No Contact Rule has at least one chapter dedicated to how one can implement NC when you share a child or children.

Perhaps you can read or listen to this book and gain some insight.

 

But it doesn't seem you know exactly what you want to do as far as this man is concerned. You want him in your life, but you are also considering NC. You think there is a chance you might fall for him again if you two keep this up... he is getting everything he wants. What are you getting?

 

Somewhere in your thread, you wrote about how his wife hasn't slept with him in eight months. You were wondering why a woman married to a known cheater wouldn't sleep with her husband when she knows he cheats... Very interesting. Seems to me he will cheat whether she sleeps with him or not.

 

Furthermore, his wife hasn't slept with him in eight months AND he ramped up things with you within the last six months... so he is using you to do her job while she gets the perks of wifedom. I

 

While you're writing, perhaps you can also write down what you want, no matter how unattainable or crazy or simple. You definitely need to gain perspective of what you want and what you need so that you can live your best life.

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Tessa, figure out why you want him in your life. Really think about it. Write it down.

 

The No Contact Rule has at least one chapter dedicated to how one can implement NC when you share a child or children.

Perhaps you can read or listen to this book and gain some insight.

 

But it doesn't seem you know exactly what you want to do as far as this man is concerned. You want him in your life, but you are also considering NC. You think there is a chance you might fall for him again if you two keep this up... he is getting everything he wants. What are you getting?

 

Somewhere in your thread, you wrote about how his wife hasn't slept with him in eight months. You were wondering why a woman married to a known cheater wouldn't sleep with her husband when she knows he cheats... Very interesting. Seems to me he will cheat whether she sleeps with him or not.

 

Furthermore, his wife hasn't slept with him in eight months AND he ramped up things with you within the last six months... so he is using you to do her job while she gets the perks of wifedom. I

 

While you're writing, perhaps you can also write down what you want, no matter how unattainable or crazy or simple. You definitely need to gain perspective of what you want and what you need so that you can live your best life.

 

 

Yeah that's a good idea, I suspect the answer is pretty complicated, heh. Same as everyone who is willing to have an affair of any sort.

 

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm just truly conditioned by the first affair to want him....I spent so long fighting for him that I don't know how to stop reacting that way to him.

 

Also he's the only guy I've ever really loved, so he probably represents all that that is. I don't have anyone else to compare him to.

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I have read your response as you having much more to sift through than what I advised you to sift through. Take the focus off of him and start analyzing yourself. My hope is that you will be too busy to focus on him at all... because he does NOT deserve your focus.

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Your life seems really dull and I think that's why he can worm his way back in. This man will cheat whether or not he's getting sex at home. He did with you after you won the prize.

 

I would seriously consider moving if men are in such short supply in all the towns within a couple of hours drive from you.

 

Such small towns don't do much to expand your knowledge and life experiences. It's a big world out there...start living a better life.

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Your life seems really dull and I think that's why he can worm his way back in. This man will cheat whether or not he's getting sex at home. He did with you after you won the prize.

 

I would seriously consider moving if men are in such short supply in all the towns within a couple of hours drive from you.

 

Such small towns don't do much to expand your knowledge and life experiences. It's a big world out there...start living a better life.

 

 

LOL, what the hell? I live in a beautiful seaside town where I'm a single parent and run my own business and we have friends and a life. Moving towns to find men is pretty ridiculous.

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