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Did I do the right thing?


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It's almost a month since I decided I didn't want to continue this. He's gone forever and that really hurts. All I seem to be doing is crying. I have a pain in my chest. I think of him and his family and me all alone. Why wasn't he honest with me when I asked? Sometimes I hope he comes back and wants me as his #1. But I know he won't. He made his choice. He made it all the time this thing was going on. I was and never will never be #1 and that's a bitter pill to swallow.

 

I know I did the right thing for ME, but that doesn't make it easier. When do you stop crying? When does the pain stop? Only when you meet someone else? But I'm in no mental state to meet anyone else... Or will this experience be a scar forever? (I never experienced any break-up before) When does the hope of him coming back fade away? When do you stop being jealous of them and their happy life? When do you accept your situation and move on?

 

Please no comments that the pain I'm feeling is all my fault. I'm aware I have a contribution in this and will NEVER engage with a MM again! But when were you healed? Did you love again? Please tell me your experiences because sometimes I'm afraid this feeling will never go away!

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metamorphasing

While I can't compare the end of an A or EMR (yet...) to the end of a 'vanilla' or more 'traditional' relationship, I can empathise with the pain of the end of a relationship.. it does hurt.. you will go through stages of loss and grief.. it's really hard, and I guess knowing that he is still with his BW and family, and that feeling of being alone amplifies the hurt for you.. that alone feeling, I know that well, and it is horrible..

 

Keep yourself busy where you can.. like busy distracted busy.. whatever that looks like for you.. for some people its upping the social life.. or gym, or some hobby that involves getting out of the house.. anything to make the time pass quicker until you can get into ned and go to sleep.. if that makes sense.. maybe that will help..

 

For some going through the loneliness and feeling the pain, and growing strong again helps them recover..

 

Im certainly not going to tell you to get over it, and find a single man.. plenty more fish etc etc.. the fact is you were in love, and your heart is broken and your hurting.. you need to feel that and go through it, and it hurts and is hard..

 

Im so sorry you feel this way..

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I am sorry you are going through this. I got on a dating web site and it actually made me feel better. My ex isn't married but I needed to get him out of my head. I can tell you that after 6 weeks of NC, he contacted me and I went back so don't fall for it if your MM does! Not worth it as I sort of have to start over (although mine ended up telling me he loves me but that is besides the point, he still has gf and is not leaving her). Anyways, try to keep busy and write as much as you can. To us, to him (but never send) and to friends. Writing things for me helps, makes me admit my feelings and get them out.

Also, call friends as needed to talk. They will be there for you. You WILL get through this! xoxo

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Two years....

 

Wow 2 years sounds familiar! IÂ’ve been waiting 2 years for her and nothing happened,,, What I donÂ’t get is why do they say theyÂ’ll leave their relationships but donÂ’t and then they expect us to wait?

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It will gradually get better, little by little. I've had no contact for almost three months. It still hurts, I still think of him all the time, but the pain is becoming different now, duller. I don't cry nearly as much and I feel more and more positive about having a healthy relationship with the right guy in the future.

 

Just don't have contact with him, at all. You have to work through your feelings and pain, so that means for a while you will feel crappy. But just remember that the desolation you feel right now is temporary. Remember the hurtful things he said and did, don't let yourself get wrapped up romantic thoughts about him.

 

I'm taking a break from worrying about dating (although if someone interesting comes along I won't ignore him) and focusing on doing things that make me feel good and engaged in life. I would recommend the same for you. If you try to move on too quickly it might make things more difficult.

 

I'm a lot older and have more relationship experience than you, but it's still really hard. So be patient and compassionate with yourself and just stay strong.

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It will gradually get better, little by little. I've had no contact for almost three months. It still hurts, I still think of him all the time, but the pain is becoming different now, duller. I don't cry nearly as much and I feel more and more positive about having a healthy relationship with the right guy in the future.

 

Just don't have contact with him, at all. You have to work through your feelings and pain, so that means for a while you will feel crappy. But just remember that the desolation you feel right now is temporary. Remember the hurtful things he said and did, don't let yourself get wrapped up romantic thoughts about him.

 

I'm taking a break from worrying about dating (although if someone interesting comes along I won't ignore him) and focusing on doing things that make me feel good and engaged in life. I would recommend the same for you. If you try to move on too quickly it might make things more difficult.

 

I'm a lot older and have more relationship experience than you, but it's still really hard. So be patient and compassionate with yourself and just stay strong.

 

It’s funny but I feel like an oddity being a man ,,, it’s almost always women in this position,,, I’ve had and still have a hard time coping with this,,, I’m sure my MW doesn’t cry for me,,, I haven’t cried but I’ve had some real sad and depressing moments.

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I'm five weeks no contact. Some days seem better. Some days the heartbreak is as strong as day 1. I still want him to reach out but I know he won't. Hang in there.e

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Maybelle you are doing really well, I’m nearly 3 weeks no contact, struggled this week but I’ll get stronger, I’m hoping mine doesn’t reach out because I’m not sure I’m strong enough yet to not reply and I can’t join the merry go round again, it hurts too much. Keep going. X

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I know I did the right thing for ME, but that doesn't make it easier. When do you stop crying? When does the pain stop? Only when you meet someone else? But I'm in no mental state to meet anyone else... Or will this experience be a scar forever? (I never experienced any break-up before) When does the hope of him coming back fade away? When do you stop being jealous of them and their happy life? When do you accept your situation and move on?

 

You absolutely did the right thing for you. The answers to all of your questions is the dreaded word time. It takes time to get over these things. It may take years but eventually you will get to a place where this doesn't have control over your life. NC and therapy helps a lot. Also A's are like an addiction. The withdraws are really bad but as time passes you will get stronger. You really will. I have been both a MOW and a BS and the pain I felt from both positions was excruciating. Time was the only thing that helped.

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Thanks all for your replies!

 

We have been in NC during the summer on his request after I expressed I loved him… He did came back after the summer as if everything was normal, like nothing had happened. He wanted to meet again which I declined. And for the first time in the 2 years that this has been going on, he said goodbye. During the summer NC I had a hard time, but didn’t cry because I knew he would be back. But now, it’s different. He said till never again. He is really gone now. Forever. And that makes me cry because I genuinely cared for him:(

 

It is really difficult focusing in general. On my job but also in my personal life. When I’m meeting with friends, I turn on my happy face, but inside I’m crying. I’m pretty much the only one in my close circle who is single. All the other ones have a SO and/or children. I don’t want to “spoil” all the happy talk with my sad story. And while I know I’m in no state to date, I feel a lot of pressure. Almost all my friends have a SO, even my younger brother has one. Before our summer break, my MM said that 3 months should be enough for me to find someone new… I haven’t. I guess he must think I’m a loser for still loving him and not finding anyone else. Heck, I think I’m a loser as well.

 

CPD1, I don’t know why they string us along. I always asked him to be honest. Even said I wouldn’t blow up his world. He pushed me away, and always came back as if nothing happened. I just wanted to know where I fitted in his story... I’m sure he’s not hurting the way I’m hurting. He even said that once: “When we’re through, you will be hurting way more than I will”. One minute I was the girl of his dreams, he really liked me etc. and the next minute I was pushed away as far as possible. I think in my case he strung me along for sex. If you have read my other tread, he said some very hurtful words before our summer break. In September he came back and wanted to meet again, although he knew it would be painful for me because his situation had not changed. He knew it would be bad for me, but asked anyway. He expressed he really liked me and felt soooo good around me, however did not send a text during our summer NC. I guess he was too busy enjoying their vacation and money… They don’t care about our feelings, they only care about themselves. If it was up to him, I should date other men, but still go back to him for sex. I should date other men to make an emotional connection to them so I would stop loving him, but still give him sex. Unfortunately, I’m not wired that way. But he doesn’t care. He has a wife, family and money to worry about. Not me. So we have to take care of ourselves because otherwise this thing would go on forever, like your MW also expressed. I know you want to believe so badly that they wouldn’t do that to us, but they do... Although we love them :(

 

I never experienced heartbreak before, so I don’t know if I will be alright or how long it will take to get over this. Everyone says it takes time, so I believe you. I hope it will not take years, because I already feel so much pressure. And I hope I will be able to find a better partner, but I don’t know if I ever will. I want to have children some day. And that a very heavy thought right now, although I’m “only” 28...

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It took me mths get over MM. hard thing is i had to deal with him have son with him. But year went by and slip up back in bed and pregnant again.

 

He could come back some hide for few mths. this pain is real you love him

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I needed anti-depressants to stop crying daily. My IC and I discussed going on temporarily. I feel like my old self. And of course that's when he contacts me.

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Months to years...

 

ExMM and I split 2.5 years ago and during that time he would boomerang in and out of my life trying to be "friends" without any strings attached. Of course that's a lie. I still love him so I always let him back to reconnect. That's my fault. It's hard to resist and sever ties because we both have this deep connection that is hard to explain. Anyway, I'm better at handling and coping my emotions now than I was before. I also don't feel as hurt. The only time I feel the sting is when I *really* focus and think about what he and I went through. Other than that I'm just fine. I really hope that there will come a day where he and I are just a speck in our memory bank.

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  • 1 month later...
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MM texted me last month. To let me know he has another job. I had a weak day and called him. He would like to meet me again, but it's up to me to decide. I said no. Told him I don't want to be #2 anymore. I don't want any contact whatsoever unless he's divorced. He understood. Told me he would only contact me when he's moved out (he doesn't say divorce) to give me his new adress... so I could send him an invitation to my wedding (assuming I will find a partner one day) because we're friends... I don't know if he was serious, joking and/or making fun of me. In all cases, it made me realise that if he ever gets divorced, he probably still wouldn't want anything serious with me. He will probably chose some other girl. When I told him goodbye, he sounded nonchalant. Made jokes. Maybe he doesn't believe me. He knows I cave if he leaves me alone for a while. Or maybe he doesn't give a f*ck anymore because I talk too much about what I want, has had enough and will leave me alone this time. IDK. I deleted his contact info and all the texts. I cannot reach out anymore. He's not blocked. I want to know if he reaches out. But on the other hand, I don't want to wait on a text unconsciously. I have read a lot of threads on LS and some people told MM/MW the same thing. I never read they did indeed got a text from MM/MW saying the're divorced. I'm messed up.

 

Today I attented a Christmas party with friends. Partners and children were also invited. I was the only one without a partner/children. It seemed like I had a great time: laughing, making jokes, congratulating a friend with her pregnancy while I was crying on the inside. I was thinking of him and imagining him and his family having lovely holiday times and me all alone. I'm so sick and tired of these feelings. Anxiety. Pain. Feeling like a failure. Loneliness. Based on this and several other threads on LS, it can take years to heal from an affair. If you even ever really heal? That's a long period and for the first time in my life I actually wondered what's the point of living. Scary thought.

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He's seriously not worth that depth of angst.

 

It's all stirred back up again because you had contact. Stop romanticising what you had and when you think about him think about the negative and painful things. That's the reality of what he has to give you.

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It's almost a month since I decided I didn't want to continue this. He's gone forever and that really hurts. All I seem to be doing is crying. I have a pain in my chest. I think of him and his family and me all alone. Why wasn't he honest with me when I asked? Sometimes I hope he comes back and wants me as his #1. But I know he won't. He made his choice. He made it all the time this thing was going on. I was and never will never be #1 and that's a bitter pill to swallow.

 

I know I did the right thing for ME, but that doesn't make it easier. When do you stop crying? When does the pain stop? Only when you meet someone else? But I'm in no mental state to meet anyone else... Or will this experience be a scar forever? (I never experienced any break-up before) When does the hope of him coming back fade away? When do you stop being jealous of them and their happy life? When do you accept your situation and move on?

 

Please no comments that the pain I'm feeling is all my fault. I'm aware I have a contribution in this and will NEVER engage with a MM again! But when were you healed? Did you love again? Please tell me your experiences because sometimes I'm afraid this feeling will never go away!

 

i cried for nine days straight. i finally went to the doctor.

 

it took me two years to get over the fear, anxiety, depression and PTSD.

 

and finding some one else helped. which i did. about 2 months after the separation. i waited to be intimate with him until after the divorce. just so i could say i never had sex with any other man while i was married. not becuase i didn't want to. hell my husband was lonnnggg gone. and his arm was missing at that. lol

 

so ya. **** takes time.

 

see someone about all the dehydration you're suffering with. crying takes a toll.

 

after the sadness, you'll probably be really mad. anger is just one of the phases you'll go thru in the grieving process, so don't get stuck there.

 

keep moving thru the anger, moving around helps.

 

people say to exercise but i hate exercise. however, i did do a lot of walking and eventually took up roller skating. hokey, i know, but i loved it.

 

you go thru the next phase and you get on. you can't fix him. you can't go back.

 

you learned a painful lesson. take responsibility for the part you played in what happened. own it. accept it and move on.

 

good luck

 

NC is life.

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I am in the same boat as you. I'm praying to heal as fast as I can but it just does not seem likely. Going to sleep alone without him, knowing he's holding her and kissing her throughout the night feels like a blade through my heart. You try to keep your mind off it but it seems impossible. I decided NC was best for me too but it doesn't hurt any less. I wish I could give you words or possibilities of relief in the future , but I am not there yet either. If anything, I am here to talk if you need someone.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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I need some advice.

 

I had EA/PA with MM on and off for 2 years. I tried to end it after 1 year, but he kept coming back and I allowed it (I know, please no judgement). Last November I told him for the first time I didn’t want any contact until he’s single. He was very nonchalant about it. At Christmas I got a text message from him whishing me happy holidays. I deleted it. A couple of days later I got another text message: “still wishing you happy holidays even when you refuse to answer me”. I caved and answered. Told him I missed him. He told me that I shouldn’t make it so difficult for me and contact him so we can see each other again. But what’s the point? That’s only convenient for him, not for me. He confirmed again that he doesn’t know when he’ll leave, maybe never. There is a child and a lot of money involved. He loves being rich. Time will tell he says. I told him again to please leave me alone as long he’s not single. He said he will respect it. I checked his wife FB later that day. Many beautiful vacation family pics. I started crying.

 

Since then I’m a mess. I wonder if I did the right thing. Why did he sent that second text message? He said he missed me as well. Maybe I should have met him again? Maybe I should give this thing more time? Maybe he’ll leave her then? But now I have told him to leave me alone and he will respect it. What if I stay away and he leaves her for another woman? Then I have missed my chance of being with him in a normal relationship.

 

But on the other hand, I am so scared to be hurt again. Scared to be in this exact same place 1 year later. That’s the reason I turned him down (didn’t tell him). For example, in the past he told me I should live my own life (after I told him I loved him), but may call him anytime if I needed my holes filled. I got it and never called him. He came back 3 months later claiming everything he said then was a joke. He wanted me to gain experience with other men so I would be sure I wanted him. But apparently things weren’t also going that great at home, so he came back running to me. I am the back up. If he can discard me like that once, I’m pretty sure he can do it again when things are going great. Or if he met some other willing girl. Without realizing or caring how much it affects me, because “I’m still young and can find another lover easy”.

 

Did I make the right decision? Most of the time I think I have. But then I think of the good times and start doubting. I miss him. Do you think he will try to contact me again? I deleted all his contact info so I cannot make any contact. There’s no point of blocking because the messages still come through: they are diverted to a spam folder. I don’t feel like changing my number only for him. I don’t know what else to do.

 

I don’t want to waste my life on someone that only wants me for sex. I want to have my own family someday and don’t want to be crying over his FB photos. But I’m scared I’ll never have that. I’m already 28. I read an article somewhere that dating becomes more difficult with age, especially when you’re over 30. Is that really the case? Are all the good ones taken by then? I have no dating experience, so I don’t know. It was an European article (I am European), maybe it’s different in the American dating scene?

 

My dad tells me that I can get way better than MM, but that I also have to be aware that at my age, a lot of men are already taken. Maybe I should consider someone nice, like my brother’s best friend. I know he has a crush on me, but I don’t love him. My dad thinks I should consider settling for someone and starting a family so I will not be alone, even if I don’t love the guy. I don’t know if this is good advice, but I see myself doing this eventually. I really don’t want to be alone forever, but I also don’t want to be with someone I don’t love… I love MM and I know that my fears keep me hooked at him. I desperately want to be loved by someone I also love. He's as close as I got to love. Letting him go is really frightening to me, hence my mental flip-flopping.

 

I feel depressed and cry. I also experience a lot of anxiety. I have a really hard time focusing at work, I think about him and my future all the time, I don’t sleep well. Last night I woke up with my heart racing (I had dreamed that he and his wife were making fun of me). My therapist suggested medication. I don’t know. Does anyone have experience with anti-anxiety meds? Did it help you? Did it make your mind calm down? How long did it take before the meds kicked in? Did you gain any weight (huge deal to me)? Do you still take them? Or why did you decide to not take any medication?

 

The longest NC I had with MM lasted 3 months. During those months I experienced depression and anxiety, but after a while it became less intense. I still thought about him all the time, but the sad feelings were less intense. But it is different now, because during that previous period of NC he told me he would give me some space and come back. Now he told me he would respect my wishes and leave me alone. It’s final and that makes the pain and anxiety more intense. I am afraid these feelings will not go away. It’s really draining all of the energy outside of me. I have a premonition I will feel like this for quite some time because I am also so scared I will never find love. I am not myself anymore and being this anxious person is not really attractive either. What if I’m still feeling this way after 1 year of NC? Honestly, I think now I don’t want to life then anymore. It’s been enough. Please no judgement, I would really like some advice from others who have been there.

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Do you really want a man who could be flirting and seeking other things from another woman, while in a relationship... I wouldn't.

 

He could get a divorce and move on with anyone he wanted... And I wouldn't care. I demand more from my life partners than a man who say one thing and does another. I want to be able to trust my partner.

 

For what it's worth, I think you made the fight decision.

 

As to your thought that you should settle down with someone you do not love so that you won't be alone, don't do it. You deserve to find someone who fills you with joy. To be fair, you haven't really been able to find him because you have been focused on this other man, who is not available to you, for so long... Let him go, and then see what happens. Good luck.

Edited by BaileyB
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He told me that I shouldn’t make it so difficult for me and contact him so we can see each other again.

 

 

 

This here... This nonchalance of 'you know you want me, just give in already'. I would have punched his lights out.

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I want to make sure I understand this correctly:

 

You're seeing a married man (I'm not making any judgments here, just want to be clear about all of this). As such, you've recognized the fact that he's lying to another woman in his life and being massively disrespectful to her and their relatinship.

 

And yet you think that he's going to be 100% honest with you and treat you with respect? Do I have that right?

 

Do you see a problem here?

 

The old saw, "If he can do it with you, he can do it to you" tends to be a recurring theme.

 

Delete his texts. Block his number. Cancel your Facebook (gawd, the damage that Facebook has done to both relationships and politics - to say nothing of privacy issues - is beyond words). Eliminate any trace of him from your life. Respect yourself and your integrity.

 

By the way, at 28, you have LOTS of time left.

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All MM do the same thing, to the point that it’s really boring - and so does the OW. You got suckered into the relationship, got hooked on him, and on the dream of living happily ever after. He’s hooked on the sex, the danger of his secret, and the chase.

 

He isn’t going to leave his wife. Stop with these endless what ifs. Let’s just say he did leave his wife for another woman. Then that just proves he actually planned to leave but you weren’t the one who caused him to do that. The truth is, men do not place love as high on the list as women do. Once you understand that, you’ll understand that you’re on the losing end of this game. They put reputation, responsibly and money over love. Although never underestimate the power of sex at any cost. But it’s just that - sex and something that’s separate from his everyday life.

 

Stop ruining your life with this fantasy. I don’t care how close you think the two of you are, or how much in love. He will steal your years and life if you don’t cut him off completely and stop caving in. He is not who you think he is. Who he really is is a MM with a family and you’re a distraction from the boredom. End of story. No matter how much it hurts now, it’s going to hurt more if you don’t stop this and move on.

 

And, btw, him contacting you and being persistent means nothing. It means absolutely nothing except that you’re giving him a reason to chase and he hopes you’ll cave in. That’s it. That’s as far as it goes in his mind. He also knows you’ll probably dump him someday and he’ll know why. He’s just going to prolong it as much as possible. Again, it means nothing other than him having someone to chase and have sex with.

Edited by bathtub-row
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NotADayGoesBy

You did the right thing. Keep doing it. ^^ Listen to Bathtub

 

You will find love--you are still very young. Please don't make the mistake many women have made and waste your best years on a MM who will never be yours. I've read several very sad stories of women who did just this, wasted more years than you did, to suddenly find themselves in their mid or late 30s in a dead end affair.

 

You will feel better. There are stories on here of women who felt just like you do, but have now moved on and can't believe they ever felt that way. It will suck, and it will take time (way longer than you want), but it is absolutely worth the pain you will feel now to have a life you love later.

 

Stop going on facebook to shop for pain by looking at him or his wife (easier said than done, I know). Pause your FB account for 6 months if necessary. I had to do that because I couldn't stop looking at his profile.

 

You have one advantage over being a married OW--you can get out there and date. It doesn't have to be serious, but it will give a boost to your self esteem to have other men show interest in you.

 

Hang in there and good luck. Keep coming here for support if you need it. Confide in other friends--ask them to help you stay away from this guy and move on.

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