Two loves in life

[angrydragon]

Need some consult. Been married for 10 Yrs, Happily I might add. have two girls. Earlier in the year, I met someone. I took a fancy to her, though I was NOT looking for anyone. Like I said, My home life was and is great. Well, it turned out she fancied me as well. We went out, and of course stuff happened. I guess I am a little confused as to why she showed up in my life at this stage. I think she is a wonderful person and have fallen head over heals for her, likewise for her as well. But, As I said I am married. Another thing is that she is/was 18. I was 35. Age did not bother her. but My status ini life wmoewhat did. I never made any promises to her. But I found myself truly caring for this person. Please do not get me wrong. If ever there was a case of loving your wife, it is mine. I know what I did was morally wrong, but it felt like she was the one I had been waiting for my whole life. My TRUE soulmate. We clicked in everything. Anyways, I'd like to say that in all the time i've been with my wife, I have never cheated in any way or form. Nor did I ever have the desire to do so. If anyone has some honest input to my situation, it would be nice to hear from you.

[aklost101]

i understand the age gap and the connection you guys have... you can't help who you fall for. i wish the man i fell for wasn't married, we seem so much on the same level.

 

what you've done is wrong. what i'm doing is wrong. and we both have 2 choices: either end it with one of them or keep it going. we know which one is "right" and yet, if you're like me, it just doesn't feel right. it's not fair to your wife and children to string them along, nor is it fair to your gf to be making basically empty promises. it's a catch-22

 

hope all works out and you make the decision that is *right* for you

[EnigmaXOXO]

I guess I am a little confused as to why she showed up in my life at this stage.

 

A lot of nice, interesting and attractive people show up in our lives throughout the years. Most, we never give a second thought to. This young girl was not sent by fate…nor is she your soul mate. That's simply your brain trying to rationalize and justify why you would give way to temptation simply to placate your ego.

 

She's TOO YOUNG. Barely out of highschool and only a few short years beyond adolescence. She doesn't have the experience or understanding to comprehend how getting involved with a married man will impact the rest of her life and forever jade the way she views relationships in her future. You will victimize this young girl (someone else's daughter)…along with the wife and family you claim to be so content with. All because YOU wanna feel good.

 

Try to step outside of yourself for a moment and imagine if this young girl was one of YOUR daughters. Imagine how you might feel if some horny older married man were trying to take advantage of their naivety and get in their pants.

 

A good father teaches by example. So what kind of father (and man) are you??

[whichwayisup]

People come and go out of our lives for various reasons. Maybe there was a reason you both met, maybe soulmates in a past life, who knows? BUT...Pursuing it wasn't right.

 

You're happily married with 2 daughters. Life is good. A new person catches your eye and makes your heart beat faster and makes you feel good. OFCOURSE we all love that new and crush feeling, that rush of excitement, to be desired by somebody else...Again, just isn't right to pursue it and take it to the next level.

 

I never made any promises to her.

 

Walk away from her. She is too young, even though she has feelings for you as you do for her, SHE will be the one very hurt. Even if she seems mature for her age, she doesn't know enough about controlling her feelings and becoming TOO emotionally attached to you. She doesn't "get" that. Her emotions WILL rule her actions. What if she tells your wife? Or calls you at home, drops by. You don't know the frame of mind of an 18 year old. You're taking something away from her if you continue the "friendship" with her.

 

How would you react later in life, say if your daughter started seeing a married man in his mid-to late 30's? With 2 children? Bet you wouldn't be too happy now, you'd be terrified she'd get hurt and the fact the guy was married!!!!

 

Think of your wife and daughters. HOW will they feel if they find out? What you're doing is selfish and isn't fair to them at all.

[Debster]

You need to get some self restraint and grow up. Yes, people walk in and out of our lives every day. That does not give you a reason as a happily married man to go out on a date and let things happen with an 18 year old girl.

[angrydragon]

Everthing that you are all telling me I guess I somewhat already knew. And I guess I do understand. Enigma, believe me when I say it's was NOT about satisfiying my ego. Like I sad earlier, I wasn't looking for any kind of romance with anyone. That's the part that's most confusing for me. I think,'why did this happen now?'. I know that what I did makes me a heel. And I do feel very bad about it. And I do know what the right thing to do is. I guess the hard part is the letting go. It's hard because this girl really makes me feel good(not in that way). Why I was attracted to her? well it wasn't her age. It was the way she talked to me, the way she looked at me and kept her stare on me. I think that is what really did it. Don't get me wrong, this girl is very beautiful as well. But to me, looks are only exterior qualities that change through time, and if you fall in love with exterior qualities, you will eventually fall out of love. So please guy/gals, When I say to you that it is not about my ego. I have nothing to prove to anyone by what I did. And trust me, I ahve nothing to prove to myself. I really AM happy at home, In every way. I have everything. But I didn't go out looking for this to happen, it just happened. Yes, I know I made it happpen as well. And I know what the right thing to do is, but my heart is making it difficult. It's not that I want to choose. And I don't want to string two women along, because that's not my style. I also want to say that this girl knew about my marital status, and that I was expecting a second child. But I guess like myself, Something powerful between us just made everything in our lives just not matter. I want to thank you guys/gals for your honest opinions. They have been very helpful. It's funny how the things you don't want to hear are always the right things to do... I am hoping to make the right decision for everyone's sake. If you have any other comments or advice, feel free to post. Thank you all and PEACE!!!!

[loony]

Originally posted by angrydragon

It's hard because this girl really makes me feel good(not in that way). Why I was attracted to her? well it wasn't her age. It was the way she talked to me, the way she looked at me and kept her stare on me. I think that is what really did it. Don't get me wrong, this girl is very beautiful as well. But to me, looks are only exterior qualities that change through time, and if you fall in love with exterior qualities, you will eventually fall out of love. So please guy/gals, When I say to you that it is not about my ego. I have nothing to prove to anyone by what I did. And trust me, I ahve nothing to prove to myself. I really AM happy at home, In every way. I have everything. But I didn't go out looking for this to happen, it just happened.

Well, I don't think you are really that happy at home if someone else was able to make you feel better. She's young and you're a couple of things older, she admires you, because at her age she hasn't achieved that much yet, you know more than she does. Yep, wisdom, intelligence, etc. is sexy. Do you think if you were the same age as she is that she would have fallen in love with you? Would she look at you the same way? That's what you like about her, looks at you you, maybe that's what you have been missing in your marriage, sometimes people are very busy with job, chores, kids and they forget to really look at their partner, to see the wonderful person they married. That's one thing.

 

The other thing is, this girl is beautiful as you said. Well, let me tell you, people tend to interpret a lot of things into beautiful people. You may have convinced yourself that it's not her look, but her wonderful qualities as a human being. You're mislead. People allow themselves to fall in love with beautiful people a lot easier than with the regular Jane.

 

I don't believe that things just happen.

[angrydragon]

I really am happy at home. My wife gives me everything I want. She is also very understanding. For instance, I play alot of softball and am constantly at tournaments all over so. cal and at times out of state. I am also a D.J., so I am out at clubs at night, or i'm in my garage/studio working on my next set or making a cd. She is o.k. with this and there are no problems between us. She is beautiful, intelligent(Ivy League education), and I love her. She gives me lots of freedom, but I have never taken advantage of it. Like I said earlier, I did NOT plan to do any of this!!! I really didn't.

[loony]

Originally posted by loony

That's what you like about her, looks at you you, maybe that's what you have been missing in your marriage, sometimes people are very busy with job, chores, kids and they forget to really look at their partner, to see the wonderful person they married.

Correction: she looks at you

[loony]

Originally posted by angrydragon

I really am happy at home. My wife gives me everything I want. She is also very understanding. For instance, I play alot of softball and am constantly at tournaments all over so. cal and at times out of state. I am also a D.J., so I am out at clubs at night, or i'm in my garage/studio working on my next set or making a cd. She is o.k. with this and there are no problems between us. She is beautiful, intelligent(Ivy League education), and I love her. She gives me lots of freedom, but I have never taken advantage of it. Like I said earlier, I did NOT plan to do any of this!!! I really didn't.

What about the other things I said?

[Debster]

I also want to say that this girl knew about my marital status, and that I was expecting a second child.

 

Did I read correctly that you cheated on your pregnant wife?

That is so low, I can't even fathom it.

 

You're out dj-ing at clubs, playing softball, recording a CD. My god, what time do you spend with your children and wife? Why bother having a family or marriage at all when it appears everything you focus on is all about you?

[loony]

Originally posted by Debster

Did I read correctly that you cheated on your pregnant wife?

That is so low, I can't even fathom it.

Oops, you're right. That girl also doesn't seem to be the best choice if she clings to a man whose wife is expecting a baby.

[angrydragon]

Well, she doesn't admire me, she loves me. simply because she is young does not mean that she does not have the ability to think beyond her age in maturity. would she have fallen for me if we were the same age? who knows. maybe, maybe not. I do think she would look at me the same way. you see I treat all women with respect and courtesy(I know what you will say). It's not that I like that she looks at me, it's the way her eyes talk to me. There is so much emotion in her gaze, it mezmerises me. I am not missing anything in my marriage. My wife loves me, listens to me, talks to me, takes care of me, etc. And I the same for her. We have excellent communitcation. we make love at least 3x a week(well not right now, because of birth). I truly do not see absolutely anything wrong with our marriage. Yes, we both work and have busy lives. But at the end of the day, we are always together. We talk about each others day, maybe watch a movie on cable. or just hang out. And yes, she is WONDERFUL. O.K. the one thing this girl is Not, is a plain jane. She really is beautiful. I mean drop dead gorgeous. She most definitely is a looker. But like I said, I am not into looks. It really was a deeper connection. I did not convince myself of anything. It just happened. Remember, I was not looking for love. I already had it. So when it hit me, it confused the s**t out of me. As far as the way I interpreted her beauty, this is how: it wasn't her looks, It was the way we connected with conversation. It was the things we had in common. And the thing that did me in was like I said earlier, the way she looked at me. If you only saw her look, anyone would know what I am talking about. It just makes you feel different. So to be honest with you, I don't think I convnced myself of anything other that I know what I did was wrong. But at that time, it felt right. And finally, I think at times things do happen for a reason. What that reason is? Even I don't know the answer to that one. Thanks for your opinion. It is valued and honestly, I do hope that it helps me. Oh, one other thing, If I sound too blunt with my statements, I apologize. It is just that I am used to the way my life was without turmoil(took a long time though). So these events have completely thrown a wrench in my life and way of thinking.

[angrydragon]

debster, yes. And it's not something I am proud of. And I do wish it never happened. As far as my family goes, I do spend lots of time with them. I coach my daughters t-ball team, take my family to games with me, My wife occasionally goes to the club with me. And when I do go alone, I play my set, have a rink and go home. So to be honest, the focus in my home life has NEVER been me. I really could give a damm about all of my activities. It may sound like I have no time for my family, but the truth is my family is involved with everything that I do. There is not one time where I don't tell my family not to go with me somewhere. In fact, I get dissapointed wen they can't go!! So it only appears that it is all about me, but that is FAR from the truth. My family does come first. I know I made a huge mistake. And yes what I did is low. But you know, I made a huge mistake. That does not mean that I am not the family man I say I am.

[EnigmaXOXO]

It's hard because this girl really makes me feel good(not in that way). Why I was attracted to her? well it wasn't her age. It was the way she talked to me, the way she looked at me and kept her stare on me. I think that is what really did it.

 

That's why I say it's about "ego" … and not that the planet and stars aligned sending Romeo his Juliet. You found someone to stroke your ego and make you "feel good". And not absent the nostalgic memories of your own youth, she probably also made you feel 'young' and desirable again as well. Midlife crisis, perhaps??

 

But either way, you lost your ever-lovin' mind and did something so extremely careless that you stand to lose EVERYTHING you have. I hope this moment in time was truly worth it because your life, her life and your family's life will never, ever be the same. Reality offers us no rewind buttons...

 

Leave the fantasies to television.

[New_Wife]

Holy Midlife Crisis Batman!

 

My friend, RUN to a counselor post haste and see if you can't save yourself & your family.

 

SoulMate is a made-up term, in my opinion. Too damn many people use it as a fairy tale excuse to behave like morons. Love is not about "feeling wonderful" or swept away or butterflies or any other insects in your belly. Love is hard work. Love sucks sometimes, requires committment, dedication, and self-sacrifice.

 

And the "it just happened" defense - c'mon. You don't really belive that, right? You know you weren't making a tight pickle play between second and third when "whoops" your wankie just fell into the baserunner, and heck if you weren't having an affair. "it just happened" is a car wreck, plane toilets landing in your yard, and a pimple. Things you CANNOT control or expect. Unless this CHILD raped you, you had control.

 

I don't know what you came to this sight looking for - but here's what I offer: You need to get counseling, and take 100% responsibility for your own actions and their consequences right now. No fickle hand of fate, harlequen novel ill-fated lovers BS - but real life: mortgage, wrinkles, diapers, carpool, dirty toilet LIFE and your part in it.

 

Good luck.

 

Very few people on here, in your situation, seem to want to do that - just seek justification and "bravo" for their crappy actions. I hope you're different.

[angrydragon]

Thanks for the smackdown new wife. when put in that perspective, it showed me that I do have love with my wife. Because like you said we've worked at it. You know, I had never looked at love in that way, but you have made complete sense. Thank You very much!!! I now know what I have to do. Oh, By the way, justification is the last thing I am looking for. I simply wanted other peoples opinions as to how everything transpired with her and I. You see thrid person perspectives can make a hell of alot more sense regarding your actions than your own ever will...

[newbby]

if you ask yourself, do i ever want to leave my wife, and the answer is no, then you have to get over this girl.

be gentle, she loves you. you have got used to having more than you had before, it will be hard to end things, but imagine the worst case scenario, i suppose that would be, your wife finds out, could you handle it, would it be worth it? in alot of ways, you are the only one who can make the decisions here, she will not, she is waiting for your cues as to where this relationship goes, what else can she do?

if you do the right thing, it will save the possibility of upset to your wife, to this girl, and to you.

sometimes, i wonder, if my mm said to me, i will never leave my wife but i want to be with you for a long time, what would i say? however i am not 18, do not have as many options as she does.

can you just tell us, have you or she ever discussed your relationship, does she know how happily married you are, and that you would never want to leave your wife? then, for her that would be an informed decision, otherwise whatever you dont say opens up a world of fantasies, or whatever you say in the heat of the moment with her may lead her to believe you have a future together, one that does not include your wife.

even are you are straight with her, she is young and has probably no concept of the reality of your future and her emotions, no matter how wise for her years. look around, even some of us old gals have gotten hooked into situations we find hard to extricate ourselves from. it doesnt matter that she knew your situation or not, your actions are speaking very loudly to her. dont interpret her relationship with you knowing the FACTS of your marital status as her saying, i am completely aware that you are a HAPPILY married man but i am happy to be your side piece for as long as you like. a mm who either pursues or is open to a relationship other than that with his wife is not saying, i am happily married, it is always your actions first, even if she made the first move. her actions are irrelevant, because you already spoke volumes with yours.

i hope this makes sense, i am tired today and quite drained.

[New_Wife]

angrydragon,

 

Good. I hope you mean what you say. For your sake and everyone involved.

 

I admire my in-laws so much. They've been married 40+ years. I asked her, before my marriage, what the secret was. She said, and I quote: "There is no secret. Sometimes you get bored and other times you don't like him very much. Sometimes you want to pull the toilet seat that he left up for the millionth time right off of the toilet and knock him in the back of the head with it. But at the end of the day, he knows my stories, and I know his. When I want acceptance I go to him. That's something no amount of novelty or romance can ever replace."

 

I think our society focuses an awful lot on infatuation, without paying a whole lot of mind to comfort, security, and loyalty.

 

You are 35, which is a HUGE time for men to straddle that fence between young and old, and freak out. That doesn't excuse your actions - but I think you really should go see a counselor about your motivations and fears. I suspect the affair is but the tip of the iceberg for you - the outward symptom. You may feel trapped by this new baby, old wife, and look at your life with a "is this all there is?" feeling that you don't want to admit to yourself, so you did this.

 

Okay, getting longer than I meant to here - but I've got more:

 

I know I'm gonna get heat for this - but I don't think you should tell your wife. The good would be: you'd clear your conscience. The bad would be: you'd tear your wife up, and possibly end your marriage. If you stop this now, and go to a counselor, then that burden, and reminder of guilt, will be yours to carry forever and keep you in check. If you dump it on your wife, you absolve yourself some of that responsibility and break her heart. Of course, if your counselor tells you otherwise - listen to him/her. I'm just a dolt on the net.

 

Finally, it doesn't really matter how you end it - just do. The girl will move on. Dragging it out is just a mess in the making. Get yourself STD tested, and call it a fuggup that you'll never repeat.

 

Okay, the high-n-mighty church of new wife is out. Go and sin no more.

[Israfil]

Weeeeell, all these people could be right and you could be wrecking your marriage and your life

 

or

 

she could really be the one for you. What then?

[newbby]

Weeeeell, all these people could be right and you could be wrecking your marriage and your life

 

or

 

she could really be the one for you. What then?

 

true, but THE one, or ONE of the ones?

[SoleMate]

Take it from me. look at my user name, and believe when I tell you there are no "soulmates" - there are only people who meet other people's needs, and pairs of shoes.

 

I'm in a flaming mood, dragon, possibly because I am channelling your wife's unconscious anger, so here goes...your behavior is selfish to the extreme. You're not just "cheating sexually and emotionally", you are cheating your wife out of a chance to make her own choices about her life. I bet a terrific, attractive, educated woman like your wife would not choose to be bearing the children of a cheater.

 

BTW, you get no points from me for "not having planned or sought this out". First, I don't believe that, and second, even if it's true, BFD. Faithfulness means not only do you not actively seek affairs, you actively AVOID them! Get it?

 

Here's my advice:

 

1) End your affair immediately.

 

2) Google for "marriage builders" and read every word.

 

3) Confess your affair to your W immediately.

 

4) Be a man and deal with the mess you've made as best you can, in the best interest of your children.

 

5) If everything we have said is not enough to wake you up, then why don't you search Loveshack for stories of MM/OW affairs that result in OW pregnancy. Imagine that applying to your life. Imagine this girl pregnant - by you - the guilt, fear, the totally justifiable lifetime blowback from your wife, and 18 years of hefty child support.

[Israfil]

Originally posted by SoleMate

 

3) Confess your affair to your W immediately.

 

 

Do you really think confessing is going to make things better for anyone involved, except to ease the cheating husbands guilty conscience?

[newbby]

i agree, theres no reason to confess to the wife

[angrydragon]

Solemate, it was true. I wasn't looking. And your right it is a BFD because being that person is not my style. I have been very honest with all of you. and everyone's advice is greatly appreciated. israfil, yeah I know. that's how I felt about saying what if she is the one. But new wife has really put it in perspective for me. The love I have for my wife does have all of the elements of true love. And it took all of your advice to see that. Not that I didn't know that already, I guess that it just got away from me when I met this person. I just wanted to say that now I realize the greatness of my mistake, and i truly have learned from it. I must say that I am gald to have logged in to this board for advice. you are all great and I do hope that my experience can be of help to anyone who is even thinking about anything remotely close to my situation. If anyone ever needs my advice on anything feel free to ask!!!