Should I see him???

[SARose61]

I'd appreciate all the advice I can get. Especially from others who are successfully married and seeing someone else.

 

I need to give background info here. 13 years ago, I discovered my now exhusband cheating. We separated and during that time I met someone who was also married. We had an affair that lasted about 3 years. I finally left my husband, he did not leave his wife, she was sick, kids were small. It ended because I was single again and needed to move on and find someone for a committed relationship. I remarried 8 years ago, but the marriage is not a happy one. Well I should say, I am not happy and he is very comfortable. Biggest problem being that he is happy working nights so we see very little of each other. I found out that he lied to me about asking to be put on a list for a shift change. I also caught him trying to track down an exgirlfriend on the internet. Claims it was just curiosity, well we know what that did to the cat. Anyway that happened 3 years ago and our marriage has become virtually lifeless since then. I tried counseling on my own, because he would not go. I am pretty much living my life by myself, very boring for the most part. He's not a bad man, could be worse, he doesn't drink or abuse. But he is very much a couch potato, doesn't like going out anywhere. Is perfectly happy with our separate existence. I spend my life explaining to my family that he isnt with me at parties or get togethers because he has to work or is home sleeping.

 

Anyway when I was married about 4 years before things went stale, I found out that my married man had gotten divorced. Talk about bad timing. I told him I was happily married and wished him good luck. I didn't know things would go down hill. Anyway, this week married man calls me (at work) and says he is seeing someone who wants him to make a committment. But he still wishes it would have been me. He wants to see me. I'm dying to see him.

 

There are so many reasons that a divorce for me would not be practical. I've explained these things to my old flame. I dont want to make him any promises and I dont want to make waves in my marriage. I have to admit that at parties, at times when I have felt lonely, I have thought a lot about this man and now here he is coming out of the wood works. Let me be dead honest that as far as finances and stability, I'd have to choose to stay married to the person I am married to. I know money isn't everything. I hate to be the one to sound like a self-centered jerk. If I would want anything it would be just to see him, have fun with him, with no strings attached just to have a little fun back in my life. He says he is perfectly agreeable to just that. We had that for 3 whole years before I decided I needed to find a new husband.

 

I'm just afraid that I will mess up things. Get angry at my husband over something and just throw it in his face that I could be with someone else if I wanted to. How do others resist that urge and maintain their affairs separately?

 

 

Rose

[shygurl]

Originally posted by SARose61

Let me be dead honest that as far as finances and stability, I'd have to choose to stay married to the person I am married to. I know money isn't everything. I hate to be the one to sound like a self-centered jerk. If I would want anything it would be just to see him, have fun with him, with no strings attached just to have a little fun back in my life. He says he is perfectly agreeable to just that. We had that for 3 whole years before I decided I needed to find a new husband.

 

Do you even know what a healthy relationship that doesn't involve cheating is?

 

This above statement of yours is appalling. Basically you're okay with deceiving your husband (who you say is "very content" with the marriage, in other words, you've never told him how you feel the marriage is lifeless and you don't care that he's not a mind reader) - for the money and stability (using him) but have no qualms about spreading your legs, no-strings of course, for someone else.

 

Be a real woman and either work your arse off to save your marriage - which would mean sitting down with your husband and laying it all out on the table (nobody said marriage was going to be a fairytale or picnic) as to what you're not happy with.......if you can't work together on this, then have some integrity and decency and divorce him - get your own damn job and find your own security, as opposed to using him. How would you like to be used? How would you like someone to remain married to you only because of financial reasons?

[SARose61]

Wow shygurl, your reply doesn't indicate that you're shy at all. But I'll grant you the right to post it because you dont know all the details. I do have a job and in fact make more than my husband does. In fact, I was a single parent for 4 years working 2 jobs because I wanted my children to have a comfortable lifestyle before I remarried. Together we have maintained and advanced that lifestyle and I am very resistant to back track.

 

I do work my arse off in my marriage. I have lost count of the times I have tried to get my husband to go into counseling with me. I have gone alone. I never got an apology from him for look up his ex-gf. I was just suppose to forget the incident that crushed the feeling of security in love that I had with my husband. I thought I was his world, if I was, then why was he looking for her. He always changes the subject.

 

As I said, he is a good man. Just not willing to work on our marriage. I am human and have wants and desires that I cant simply turn off. Not much you can do when your spouse doesn't think there are problems.

 

I honestly thought this forum because of it's subject nature was acceptant of extramarital affairs. But since your answer was the only one I received and negative in nature.

 

Rose

 

PS...I've been used way too many times and I'm still being used by a man who refuses to put much into being married.

[Debster]

I've been used way too many times and I'm still being used by a man who refuses to put much into being married.

 

Correction - you let yourself be used. Why? I think it is a self-esteem issue. Your ex-husband cheats on you. Instead of dealing with that trauma, you go out and decide to be an OW. I think, instead of looking elsewhere you should try and do some self reflection.

[SilentLucidity]

I feel that sometimes situations are so hard and it is conflicting with your own marriage and now this guy is coming back. You must ask yourself some real hard questions.

 

Do you really want to go there again?

At what risk are you willing to risk your heart, your marriage, and your soul?

 

If you're willing to be open and honest with yourself then you can see it from all angles. As far as your current marriage, thats sad. You two need to be very open and honest with each other. Honesty is always a good policy.

 

Good Luck to you.

[Vega]

There are so many reasons that a divorce for me would not be practical. I've explained these things to my old flame. I dont want to make him any promises and I dont want to make waves in my marriage. I have to admit that at parties, at times when I have felt lonely, I have thought a lot about this man and now here he is coming out of the wood works. Let me be dead honest that as far as finances and stability, I'd have to choose to stay married to the person I am married to. I know money isn't everything. I hate to be the one to sound like a self-centered jerk. If I would want anything it would be just to see him, have fun with him, with no strings attached just to have a little fun back in my life. He says he is perfectly agreeable to just that. We had that for 3 whole years before I decided I needed to find a new husband.

 

I do have a job and in fact make more than my husband does. In fact, I was a single parent for 4 years working 2 jobs because I wanted my children to have a comfortable lifestyle before I remarried. Together we have maintained and advanced that lifestyle and I am very resistant to back track.

 

Which is it? You make more than your husband, but its not enough? It sounds like you put money before anything. You want your cake and eat it too? That's not very realistic. You are angry that your husband lied to you, but you don't think there is a problem in telling your husband lies as long as you get what you want?

 

I'm not sympathetic to people who think that affairs and cheating are OK if they are doing it, but not if others do it to them--that's a BIG double standard.

 

What are you looking for here? Someone to tell you that its OK for you to cheat on your husband and how to do it so he doesn't find out and you can use him as an income machine? I'm sure the man has some feelings too. I wonder what his version of your marriage would be?

 

If you are working and unhappy in your marriage - get out. You are miserable, why do you want to keep others miserable too? Just for the money? People go back and forth all the time in their lifestyles, are you familiar with our economy and how many people have lost jobs and take lower paying jobs?

 

I think Debster is right that you should look at yourself a little harder.

 

Get a divorce and then you can freely date the man you cheated with before.

[curly]

Rose -

 

Here's a non-bashing reply (for once...). How did you feel when you were with the MM? Was it love? Do you still want your xMM? If so, you should go for it. He's obviously still thinking of you. He got out of the marriage and is now wanting you. Was your relationship with him good except for the married part? Can you see yourself with this man?

 

As the OW - you know full well how pointless it is to stay in a loveless, boring marriage. You have the chance to be with a man that you never expected to be available to you. Make yourself available (and I mean - end your marriage) and explore the possibilty of being with the xMM.

 

I can't imagine a day when I would rebuff my MM if I walked away and found out that he still divorced without me in the pic. Wow! That's every OW's dream. To not be the catalyst and find him available in the future.

 

But don't drag yourself, the xMM and your husband through an affair. You know how painful it can be. Make your choice and stick with it.

 

Good luck....