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Her new "guy friend".. Am I being too selfish here?


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zooyorkcity

I've been going out w/ my girl friend for about 2 years. We were friends for about 6 months prior to that. I'm 21 and she's 18. All of a sudden, she has made friends w/ some guy in her college class. I remember her telling me that there was this hot guy in her class (him.) Now, she says she doesn't think he's good looking anymore. She's known him for about 3 months or so and they talk online when they are online together. I don't know if she talks to him on the phone a lot when I'm not there. At first, I wanted to be introduced to him, and she kind of wanted to keep him seperate from me. Its weird because I never had this problem with feeling so much jealousy. All the other guys she hangs out w/ I don't mind as much at all. I just have this gut feeling that this guy is a threat to me for some reason. He's about 25 or so and its just so weird to me. I've had girl friends that I've known longer than her and I don't even hang out with them like that. She has even told me that she would get jealous if it were the other way around so she knows how she's making me feel.

 

She went to his house 2 times to watch movies and just hang out. The second time, she stayed until 11:30pm while I was just at home doing nothing. She stopped picking up my calls while she was there because she said she didn't want him to think she had a crazy, jealous bf. This is where I kind of flipped out and actually went there and knocked on his door like a crazy bf. I didn't cause a scene or anything, just told him I was there to pick up my gf nicely. It would make me feel so much better if I could just meet the guy. She picks up on a lot of things that he does, sports, the food they eat together, etc...

 

I've talked to my girlfriend directly about this already. She says that she doesn't have any friends and I'm the reason why she hasn't been hanging out w/ any other guys for the last 2 years because she didn't want to make me feel jealous (or something of that nature).. So basically, she just wants to make some friends. Its not like she doesn't have a lot of other friends already (guys and girls).. She just claims that no one cares to call her. It seems like excuses to me because the story always changes. Then she tells me that she doesn't even consider this new guy a "friend."

 

I can't help just feeling suspicious/jealous when she talks to him or hangs out w him. She has since continued to go to his house when I work and she has the day off. I understand that I am jealous and I really don't want to be. I love her so much and deep down inside I know she wouldn't cheat on me. Its just that I don't know the intention of this guy and I'm fearing that they are having a sort of emotional affair. Also, one of her friends that also knows this guy said to me "You know (guy) really has the hots for your girl right?" I told me gf this and she says that her friend has no idea what she's talking about. So in the end, I have expressed my feelings for the most part to my gf about this new friend of hers. I may be completely wrong and selfish, I just need some outside help here. I'm confused and I just need some help. Just an innocent friendship or something deeper? I would appreciate it...

 

 

I'd be happy to tell more if you ask some questions.. I've tried to look at the situation in the most concious way possible and I can't get rid of this jealousy...

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laRubiaBonita

ask her if her friendship with old dude, is more imporatant than her relationship with you.

 

cause it seems to be headed in that direction. and movies at his home, and late nights??

 

why can't you go too?

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zooyorkcity

She claims that he means nothing compared to me. As far as inviting me, she says that it would be too weird to invite me to his house. I may be exaggerating about her always going to his house but it has happened 3 times. I think she is planning on going again. She claims this is also innocent and nothing worth even talking/fighting about. My question is "Doesn't this guy think hanging out at my house w/ a girl (I just met recently) who has a bf is a little strange..."

 

Please be as harsh and rational to me as possible. Try to look at this on her side as well, I would like feedback on both sides.

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whichwayisup

Ask her WHY it would be weird if you were invited along to his house. Something isn't right here, my red flags are going up.

 

Maybe there isn't anything physical going on, but there are feelings involved. Who knows what HIS intentions are...

 

I think it's OK to have friends of the opposite sex, but when in a relationship the spouse has to be a part of the friendship too. Unless it's a childhood friend, a new person coming into her life, or even yours, the partner should be included.

 

What if you had a woman friend you hung out with and thought was great? I'm betting that she would be very jealous.

 

I've talked to my girlfriend directly about this already. She says that she doesn't have any friends and I'm the reason why she hasn't been hanging out w/ any other guys for the last 2 years because she didn't want to make me feel jealous (or something of that nature).. So basically, she just wants to make some friends. Its not like she doesn't have a lot of other friends already (guys and girls).. She just claims that no one cares to call her. It seems like excuses to me because the story always changes. Then she tells me that she doesn't even consider this new guy a "friend."

 

She should have more female friend around. Not just men.

 

Maybe she likes the attention, maybe it's just fun for her, laid back and laughing. Men tend to be very easy to hang out with (as long as NO line is crossed, meaning sexual flirting and talking about sex).

 

She has to make the effort, can't put the blame on others for not calling, unless they aren't returning her phone calls...

 

This is strange, if he isn't a "Friend" then what IS he?? Definately watch her closely, but don't accuse her of anything.

 

Put yourself out there, make special time for her, take her away for a romantic getaway, weekend. Have fun! MAKE her forget about this guy! If she still is hanging out with him after all that and isn't including, then it's time to have another talk and find out what is really going on. Seems it's innocent, but one can never tell until it's usually too late.

 

Keep posting and hope this helps.

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A Fly onThe Wall

Red Flags ..It could be innocent and might be now .. But she may be backburnering the guy for her fallback in case you guys breakup.

 

Backburnered guys can turn into the real thing awful easy ..

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In her mind it might be innocent (although I doubt it), but in his mind it definitely isn't. Shr shouldn't go ver there without you, and should find a way to introduce you in public so at least that shows she wants HIM to see she has a BF. There are red flags all over the place here.

 

It's only a matter of time before she cheats on you with him. If she hasn't already. Sorry, bro.

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She either has been, or will be, boning him. The fact that she won't introduce you to him is a huge red flag. It's not even a red flag, it's like a red GoodYear blimp with a bigass red banner trailing in the wind. I've been in your shoes before and have been the "guy friend" before.

 

I suggest you start hanging out with a new "girl friend".

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zooyorkcity

So, I asked her about introducing me and she said that maybe we could all go to a comdey club together or something. And supposedly, he asks her "when will he get to meet me?"

 

But, the other day she wrote to me saying "You just have to understand that you won't meet all my friends"

 

Ofcourse my red flags were going up about this, that's why I resorted to this site..lol

Any further advice.. All is appreciated.

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SilentLucidity

This is a real tricky situation. As I see it I think she is being hugely irresponsible and disrespectful. There is no way in the world I would be going over to some other guys house and kicking back watching movies til late at night. I mean by what you've said she seems like she isn't bad at all, but take a deeper look. She knows it makes you uncomfortable and it has every right too. If there is nothing going on then you should be able to meet him and not only that but you should be able to go along too. I don't see the problem in it. Something is not quite right here and you should get to the bottom of it. Don't pressure her and definitely do not accuse her, but keep your wits about you.

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zooyorkcity

I notice everyone always says not to accuse her of anything.. Then, what happens when its too late. If I just sit back and do nothing, what's that going to do. Then, I just guess it was not meant to be even though I love her. She is a really good girl also. Only time will tell..

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SilentLucidity
Originally posted by zooyorkcity

I notice everyone always says not to accuse her of anything.. Then, what happens when its too late. If I just sit back and do nothing, what's that going to do. Then, I just guess it was not meant to be even though I love her. She is a really good girl also. Only time will tell..

 

 

You hit the nail on the head. If she does this then you're better off without her. Honestly it will hurt, I have another guy friend going through some similar problems but his has escalated and it's like I have told him "If she can't see all the wonderful things in you that I see and all our other friends and wants to treat you this way then you just kinda have to step away and let her go and say to yourself I deserve better", sure its hard to let go but it is also liberating to take back your dignity and your respect. You deserve respect and she isn't really giving you any and because you keep seeing her as sweet, and she may very well be, then she knows that she is getting away with it. Sometimes guys can really be too nice to the point that women will dupe them. I'm not saying thats happening here, but I'm telling you to keep your eyes open and watch.

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laRubiaBonita
Originally posted by zooyorkcity

I notice everyone always says not to accuse her of anything.. Then, what happens when its too late. If I just sit back and do nothing, what's that going to do. Then, I just guess it was not meant to be even though I love her. She is a really good girl also. Only time will tell..

 

at least put your foot down!!! maybe she is the type that needs a "short leash", and she is pushing you?

or maybe she is not happy for what ever reason, and she has no respect for YOU, and no balls to break up?

or maybe she thinks she can have her cake and eat it too? who knows?

 

but she is NOT treating you with respect in the choices she is making. so either, let her do it, tell to stop, and if she does not tell her you will leave her to do what ever.

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