i'm sooo stupid, lost the control

[newbby]

hello everyone,

i have been so stupid and lost the control, after months of letting him flatter me endlessly and always speak to me, be there for me...

i ended up sleeping with him yesterday, i was feeling reckless and just thought what the hey...

i wanted some lovin, was feelin lonely etc.

and NOW, now he is barely speaking to me, or maybe its something he has done before but only now i am taking it more personally, yes i think thats it.

sleeping with him makes me feel vunerable.

he is prob behaving no different to before.

now i have messed it up, let him know i feel vunerable by saying i cant be bothered with this one way conversation when i was trying to talk to him yesterday and by complimenting him, which he has not returned

oh wait he is speaking to me, ha ha

[smile95]

I am not sure why this happened. I know EXACTLY how you feel. It is not just with MM. it is like we know the point at which we lost the control. My guy used to do the same. He would chase me and I would act indifferent and then I would crack and be my normal loving self and he would back off. I hated the games. How dumb is it to have toact like you do not care in order to get some love???? What is your status now with him? Is he still married and at home? I forget the story?

 

Sorry you gave him the power again....don't beat yourself up. It happens. Just be aware that this may not be the type of relationship that is too healthy anymore. As appealing as he may be and as much as you love each other, I am slowly learning that it is not supposed to be this hard....love, that is.

[newbby]

thanks beth,

i think because our friendship had got so much better AFTER the actual relationship, i kind of fantasized the sex would be much more loving.

in a way it was, he was very nervous though, i think perhaps because i have been so resolute he maybe thought i was tricking him, and would reject him half way through. i didnt!

however the way i feel afterwards, is a small reminder of how i felt before, so of course nothing has really changed!!

i tried it, its no good.

so i will not do it again, at least i know now.

its one of those depresssing times for me, outside of this i mean

probably why i succumbed

it is ok though

i know how to get strong again now

and i will not do this again

yes his situation is the same, although hard to know as he constantly plays head games with me, i dont know if that is what he is doing now, now i wonder if he is only talking to me lest i get angry now he has got what he wanted, whereas before i felt that he actually enjoyed our friendship

i did realise he was playing head games before so that he could bed me again, but i also felt he enjoyed my company, now i am not so sure

[smile95]

It is really easy to get your hopes up, I am the queen of that. But, it always goes back to the way it was before too long. I know it is hard, but is remaining friends preventing you from moving on w/ anyone else? WOuld he flip if you had a man?Or is that ok w/ him?

[newbby]

i dont think the friendship is preventing me from moving on.

i was sad before that i felt there was no friendship.

i can take or leave the relationship if i feel that there is something ok has come out of it, like friendship.

it is only actually sleeping with him made me feel bad, and probably will for a while now.

other than that, i think the friendship helps me, otherwise i might fantasize he will turn up of an evening and may stay up waiting, hoping

thats how i was before the friendship.

it helps me because i know, it helps me because usually i can say no because he is not right there in front of me

the communication is never in person

[ww]

indeed you are stupid!

but arn`t we all???

LET GO ONCE AND FOR ALL AND START LIVING

bye

[erika2610]

Originally posted by ww

indeed you are stupid!

but arn`t we all???

LET GO ONCE AND FOR ALL AND START LIVING

bye

 

She's not stupid.. just had a moment of weakness. That's all. It's now up to her if she wants to just cut off all ties, or just be friends with him again, like it was before. At least she realized it was all over as far as the sex goes.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by newbby

i have been so stupid and lost the control, after months of letting him flatter me endlessly and always speak to me, be there for me...

i ended up sleeping with him yesterday,

 

I don't think your stupid.. After months of getting to know him you must've felt good enough about the two to let it go to sex.

 

I think it's one of two things ..

 

Either he likes the chase and now he has gotten what he wanted

 

or he is pulling away because he is not sure if he wants the relationship to go further ..

 

You need to talk to him about this .. Just sit him down .

 

There is nothing wrong with talking with him about it and it won't get him any kind of wrong impression.

[newbby]

indeed you are stupid!

but arn`t we all???

LET GO ONCE AND FOR ALL AND START LIVING

bye

 

ha ha

 

thanks all,

yep i was certainly stupid or weak

but no i am not generally either

i am just going through a bad patch again

i dont even want a relationship with a mm, so discussing it is pointless

dont know what i was thinking, if i was thinking at all

anyway, done now

i dont think much of the way he is treating me now, probably his genitalia got the better of him and now he is scared i want more

i dont

just want a friend

[newbby]

i am attempting nc again,

he doesnt care about me

[newbby]

no i am not attempting nc, i am going to get back to where i was with friendship

thats where i felt strongest, communication, no sex

[Owl]

You really need to stick to NC...NO CONTACT...AT ALL!!!

 

It's the only way for things to move forward for both of you.

 

No contact in any way, shape, fashion, or form. Change your phone number, email address, etc... make it so that he CAN'T contact you.

 

Then stick to your guns.

 

If you allow contact in anyway, he's going to continue to weasel his way in just like he did yesterday.

[TUDOR]

Originally posted by newbby

no i am not attempting nc, i am going to get back to where i was with friendship

thats where i felt strongest, communication, no sex

 

Your track record is not looking so good when temptation is right under your nose with him. If you insist on being friends and continuing talking I would strongly advise to at least not see each other face to face for a while.

[newbby]

owl, i'm sorry and i appreciate your advice but always feel that you are only coming from a certain angle with things

tudor,

i dont think my track record is that bad, i slept with him once, thats all, out of months and months friendship, i certainly wont be doing it again, he may not be treating me any differently from before and looking at some old conversations we had, he's not, but i feel vunerable now, am expecting more, feel like it should have meant something to him etc, but really, he is being no different at all, he quite often barely speaks and then goes through speaking alot whilst i barely speak. nothing has changed but my perception.

that is the problem and it is only because i slept with him.

possibly it is also because i was already going through a depressive bout, thats probably why i did it too, only before when i was down he would speak to me, not always, now i feel that he thinks i am down because of that or that he thinks my gad, i wish i hadnt gone there, she is sooo needy

i made it clear it was a one off and i was down about other things, but you know, all he sees is how he feels about it, and how he feels about it is that after sleeping with me i was demanding emotionally.

which i was not, any more than usual when i go through a bad phase, but its the timing

[Owl]

Newby-

 

You are absolutely right...I AM coming from a certain angle. Once you cross the line with someone, your relationship can NEVER go back to being just friends...as you had proved so accurately so recently.

 

Realize it doesn't matter to me one way or another what happens in your life...I don't know you at all. I'm simply posting my advice in a hope that it might help you.

 

I'm sorry, but it's impossible for me to imagine a good, healthy relationship starting with roots like the one you currently have with MM right now. It's based on his dishonesty and deception with his family, it's based on his cake-eating...he's using two women to meet his needs, and bluntly it appears that he's going to continue doing so for as long as you continue to let him.

 

His actions the other day made it very clear to you that he's really in this for one thing...which the moment he got what he wanted, he went back to his same old ways. Not surprising in the least...

 

If you somehow manage to come out of this with a friendship (or more) that truly works and provides everyone involved with a lifetime of enjoyment and happiness, more power to you!!! Unfortunately, I just can't imagine how that could happen in this case.

 

Regardless, since my advice is so one-sided, I'll no longer trouble you with my posts. Good luck to you!

[StillHurtin]

newbby, your not stupid, just in love, or just not strong enough yet to say no. You really need to start the NC and stick to it if you really want this to end.

 

Even though I am not the OW, but the BS, I understand why you slept w/ him. When my H and I were separated and he was having his A he would come over and start his sweet talk. I would melt and we would end up sleeping w/ eachother. I thought maybe sex would get him back, I was wrong for thinking that and beleiving that. I was in love, and I wasn't strong enough to say NO! Ya think if a man says he wants a D the last thing you would want to do is have sex w/ them! But H would keep telling me he was having second thoughts. I don't know if he actually was, or it was just a way to get me in bed. I don't know why he thought he had to come get it from me when he could of gotten it from the OW all those times. He was just being a jerk and having two women in his life at the time.

[newbby]

hello thankyou for all replies.

owl i did not mean that as an insult, i do appreciate your advice and of course alot of what you say is right, but i meant that i know how strongly you feel about affairs in general and i find it hard to take your advice as unbiased.

it is also not true that the friendship is a bad idea, sleeping with him, yes, definetly, but general friendship isn't.

yes, possibly he only wanted one thing and that is why he spoke to me, but as some say all friendships between the opposite sexes have an element of that in them.

stillhurtin, thankyou,

i was finding it so easy to say no, i dont really have any good reason that i did this, even when i was feling low before i did not weaken with him. perhaps i really just had to try it.

perhaps i should just talk to him and be honest about my feelings.

[smile95]

really you cannot be friends now. trust me! Just went thru this. Why do you want his friendship? He cannot be there for you as a bf, so how could he be a friend? A friendship just holds onto hope and you need to move on. You do not need him! You need a man who makes you #1 and not 2nd to his WIFE. I know it is hard. I am doing this now...you are a strong woman and you can do it. PROMISE!

[newbby]

thankyou beth,

but,

i'm not strong, obviously

[StillHurtin]

We all can tell ya until we are blue in the face to have NC, you can't be friends w/ him, blah, blah, blah, but when you feel something so strong for the OP it's easier said than done. I am not saying what you are doing is right by sleeping w/ a MM, but I know how hard it is when you love someone so much. I was the OW to a man in a CR and I knew I needed to stay away from him b/c if I didn't, the feelings would only be stronger. The only time I was a stronger person and to start over w/ my life was when there was NC. I moved off to college and had NC w/ the CM and started dating others. It took me awhile to get over him. Your first love is always the hardest to get over, that is what I always hear. The only way I could break free from him was to have NC and not be friends w/ him anymore. After about 10 years of NC and no friendship he found my email on a HS alumni site and emailed me. Imagine my shock seeing his name in my inbox! We kept in touch for awhile. I had to put a stop to it b/c he was talking about our past as lovers and even mentioned getting a motel room in our hometown, no one would know. He was M, I was M so this was going to far. He then called me but my mil was there so I couldn't talk. It made me kind of sick that he was contacting me again. Not only b/c I was M but b/c of his W. He never called again. I haven't heard from him in about 4 years. His sister told me he went to rehab and was getting his life back in order. I think he was so messed up that he didn't realize what he was doing by contacting me again. He was probably going through a mid life crisis at the time. My point is, you need to have NC if you are going to get over him. Right now it is hard, but in time, you can do it. Does he live in the same city as you do? Hopefully he doesn't so it will be easier not to see him or talk to him.

 

As for the friendship, I told my H there was no way in he!! he was going to be friends w/ the ex OW. It was hard the months he still worked w/ her. Knowing he was going to work every day and seeing her was awful for me.

I know you want the friendship w/ the MM but I don't see how you can remain friends w/ him if you tend to end the feelings for him.

 

 

Does his W know about you? Does she know he is having an A?

I know this is hard, but just take one day at a time.

[kkat]

Newbby,

Hang in there and chin up our friend.

I don't agree that in NC is absolutely the right approach in all situations. From my perspective, it is a matter of:

 

Defining your goals and objectives - what is it that you want to accomplish in general, and in regards to this relationship?

 

Refining theses goals and objectives to make sure they are healthy and realistic and obtainable.

 

When you've defined them and refined them, determine how this relationship can best serve you towards achieving those goals. In many cases, the best way it can serve you is as a hard lesson learned, establish NC, and move on. But in some cases, the relationship can serve as a transitory support device, a friendship, etc., of value to the OW.

 

I understand that from the married person's perspective, this isn't necessarily the ideal thing - but from Newbby's perspective, the approach that works best for her is the best one for her, right?

[joodee]

Newwby,

 

Don't beat yourself. I ate all my words big time too, last week. I thought a gesture of friendship from me would be ok...but then he started asking to see me at work, then after work. Stupid me said ok, one drink...I wound up sleeping with him, and stayed over his house. After all the advice I gave everyone on this forum too, I really have egg on my face.

 

But you do feel different, right? You're taking a step forward by feeling that you really don't want to "go there" again with him, right? It's hard to completely detached. I know. And now my ex-mm (yea, I'm still calling him an x) tries to see me any chance he can get. It's like I gave him the big OK sign to try to get back with me.

 

I'll start a thread about my drama, meanwhile, dust yourself off and get back on track, we're all here to support you.

[newbby]

thankyou everyone, so much,

it is really helping me more than you know.

i just dont know what to do now.

i dont know where to go from here, one thing i hate worse than anything is attempting nc and failing, thats why i am scared to even begin it. it is far worse to try and fail because it knocks your self esteem even more. i feel weak anyway at the moment, i dont want to make myself feel any weaker. i have resorted to stupid games and tricks now, i dont know what i am doing, am reeling a little bit.

kkat and joodee, thankyou so much for your support

still hurtin thanks for your words, yes college is an easy escape, not an option for me though

[smile95]

I got to the point too where Istarted to play games and try to intse him to call. Try not to call. I know it is hard, but it feels worse to call and not get the right outcome. I kinda made NC a game. I would highlight each day on my calendar at work and once I saw all the days in a row, I did not want to break it. The less you contact, the less you have NEW tyo worry about. If he loves you, he will make changes in his life. Is it REALLY a friendship you want with him? Honestly? Or more?

[newbby]

honestly, i do not know, i know that in reality there is no possibility of more not only because of his situation but because of my own goals. yes, i think a friendship is what i wanted, but am beginning to see that why would he really need my friendship, ok, so i am great company most of the time, but then, he has a wife, he has friends, he has a full life, a friendship with me is not something he would really have much of a requirement for. i think he is fond of me, in some ways, but probably, he is only after one thing with me in terms of what he feels is missing in his life, the thrill and excitement of a new lover.