Advice on naive and confused cheating wife

[JayBird]

My wife of 18 years approached me wanting to separate and needed her space and did not love me. This was 4 months after recovering from cancer. Emotionally I was devastated and she suggested we get counseling to improve things. Well, this is where it all started to fall apart. The very first session, she revealed she had lied about her intentions and suggested the counseling was to help me get over the future separation and divorce. It was clear she had no intention of doing anything to reconcile even suggested this is why spouses have affairs. Interesting and revealing comment …

 

Well it got worst. She was at home with the children for three years and I noticed that she would spend day and night on-line for 10 to 12 hours. I got very suspicious and loaded a keylogger to capture what was happening. It was worst than I thought as MSN & PalTalk chat logs and e-mails revealed she was engaged in graphic descriptions of sexual activity on-line with one particular man every day. She referred to me as warlock and hinted at meeting him. She discovered that I was recording her chat sessions and when confronted she said it was only ‘fantasy’ and the man was only a friend

 

She went back to work in Mar 2003 and vowed to end on-line activity as she would be too busy. Her job sometimes requires her to work late, but she appeared to be at the office three to four times a week out until after midnight. Then it happened … . I received a phone call one night from a woman who stated my wife was in a cheap sleazy motel engaged in sex with a man. A week later I received a letter indicating she was engaged in sex with a co-worker at the office on those late nights and also was having sex with another man at various motels. I approached her ASAP and then she revealed that she had sexual encounters with the same man she had met online. I kicked her out right away.

 

Then it got worst. She claimed she had told the man she didn’t want to have an affair anymore and wanted to stay in her marriage (yet another lie). This apparently did not go over well with the jerk, as he embarked on a campaign to harass me, her and the children. Mysterious phone calls, threats to expose this to the children that their mother was a whore and finally a letter circulated to the neighborhood got the police involved and it became ugly. During this I felt I had to stand by her side and offer support as I was unsure how far this deranged individual would go. A police investigation was initiated and in early 2004 they uncovered the whole plot which involved another woman this man had coheresed to make the phone calls and send letters. She has since been charged with criminal harassment and a restraining order has been placed against the man.

 

This has all been very difficult emotionally and stressful. After the affair was revealed she decided that it was best (her idea) to live under the same roof but she still wanted to be separated. I had only allowed her back in the house after it was clear there might be physical harm and the her deranged x-lover was stalking her. I indicated she could sleep in the basement, but she has been sleeping in my 4/5 year olds bed for the past year and a half as if it were her own bed room. Interestingly all her clothes are still in my bedroom. This is not right and I have spoken to her about this but it continues and it infuriates me to no end that she sees it as ‘right’ to sleep my sons bed night after night. It simply is morally wrong and I can’t understand why any parent would want to abuse and exploit their children in this manner.

 

My wife has lost focus, is immature and naive about life and I cannot understand why she does not see the damage that she has done or is doing especially with the children. I am being used and I have thought seriously about walking out, but I know by doing this “the law” will see this as abandoning the children and this would reduce access for sure or any chance of achieving custody. I have asked her to get serious counseling and to seek other opinions on what she is doing to help her understand that life is not to be screwed with. I have reached the end of the rope and need advice. I am sorry this is so long, but it has been a long road and I need to seek ways to improve life for my family (myself, wife and kids) and restore the joy of living.

 

JB

[shygurl]

So she's sleeping each night in the same bed as your young child, with your child? If so, this poor kid will get so used to that that he'll have major separation anxiety (I'd think) when she eventually stops - and he'll have a lot of trouble feeling safe and secure sleeping on his own.

 

I take it this young child has a bed big enough for the both of them? Could you get him a single bed so that there's not enough room for them both - then take all of her clothes and personal stuff and move it down into the basement for her?

 

So you leaving would not be good but I guess you could always tell her to leave, change the locks, leave all her stuff outside to be picked up, etc. Yes, that's extreme but if you're getting so frustrated and she's not doing anything to help your marriage........

 

So are you 100% sure she's not continuing with the deceitful behavior? Does she spend time online chatting and such? Do you still log her activity online?

 

Does she realize this seriousness of this all, and does she seem genuinely remorseful?