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Hello, everyone:

 

First, some background: my wife cheated on me almost five years ago now. Things since have been up and down, with a lot of downs lately that have me seriously considering moving on and getting the divorce.

 

Now for the meat of things: I have a close friend who I've known for about 18 years now and have always had some sort of feelings for. We have a very strong connection and have enjoyed a bond that I have had with few others in my life. She was there for me during the affair and I have been there for her during her marriage woes. Recently, she asked her husband for a divorce and we have been communicating essentially non-stop since that point. We have both confessed a lot of our own previously hidden feelings for each other since then, have traded some slightly NSFW photos and have essentially become each other's main support points. There has always been an element of flirtation to our relationship and this has also escalated quite a bit.

 

I'm not really sure where to expect things may lead now. This newfound level of relationship with my old friend has been very fulfilling and has reawakened a depth of emotion I haven't had in years. There are a few problems with our situation (aside from us both being married to other people): she lives on the west coast and I live in the southeast. We both have families and are not sure about relocating either side to attempt a relationship together at some point. This all could change, of course, but for now it seems like only a vague possibility that we could actually be together. It is all so bittersweet and yet it is an opportunity that I have waited for for a long time.

 

I'm not really certain what I'm looking for in posting this. Feedback? Strategies? I don't know. I'm also not the type who actively believes in 'the one' or 'meant to be' but we really just have this next level kind of communications with each other aside from an emotional and intellectual chemistry. We have tentative plans to spend some time together in a few months and I wouldn't object to our relationship moving to a physical place at that time. I know this is pretty awful, especially considering my prior role as a BS. I'm going to stop rambling now and see what input you all have to suggest. Thanks for reading.

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Until you said locations I seriously thought you might be my AP lol. So odd.

 

Coming from this exact background, with the exact same circumstances, what do you want? Just an affair? A real relationship? Are you willing to divorce your wife? If not, if you don't have the guts to follow through, do NOT change this relationship. I entered my affair with both of us on the same page, that we were going to divorce the spouses and be together. That changed for him when his wife figured out there was someone else. And i am destroyed. If you care at all for this woman do not do this unless you are prepared to follow through.

 

And in my opinion, if she says she can have an affair and not expect and want more, it's not true. The closeness you have will make her want more.

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Wow! It does sound exciting and rather meant to be; however, you have families (children I presume) who are located on the other coast.

 

Since it sounds like your marriage is over, have you ever thought of chatting with other women and flirting to see whether you feel the same about your friendpal?

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He was my closest friend for years. Now I can't have that because of the affair. And that hurts the worst. I would have rather kept the friendship and never known his feelings. Because now I can't have any of him.

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See, I've done this a little but those flirtations always dissipate quickly. What this friend has helped me to realize recently is that I, like her, can only maintain a sexual or romantic attraction to someone if there is a preexisting emotional connection. Without that, the physical connection for me just doesn't grow at all and quickly gets dull.

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Separate the issues. If the M is toast, file for divorce on Monday. If not, focus on it, not extraneous humans. Monkeybranching can work, people do it, but it's risky.

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Separate the issues. If the M is toast, file for divorce on Monday. If not, focus on it, not extraneous humans. Monkeybranching can work, people do it, but it's risky.

 

God I wish I had found this website before I started an affair!

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Hey, I'm no wizard. It took 14 months of MC while I was in an affair to get things straight. I'll credit our psychologist for that clarity I shared.

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Wow! It does sound exciting and rather meant to be

 

It does sound exciting! ;)

 

But, I imagine that any woman who comes along when your wife is having an affair and your marriage is ending would seem quite exciting - especially if she flirts with you, gives you validation and attention. It's called trauma bonding - what you are doing with this woman, as she shares her experience with her divorce and you discuss your wife's affair and pending divorce.

 

It does sound like your marriage is over, but it is difficult to assess the merit of either relationship when you are married and having an emotional affair.

 

Would I consider a relationship with a woman who lives on the other side of the country when I had children and was unable to move my family - not a chance.

 

My best advice, deal with your marriage. Then, consider this other relationship on its own merits. But, keep your expectations low because the odds that you can make a long distance relationship work are probably not great... And would that kind of relationship even meet your needs or be worth the time and effort, I really don't know...

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metamorphasing
It does sound exciting! ;)

 

But, I imagine that any woman who comes along when your wife is having an affair and your marriage is ending would seem quite exciting - especially if she flirts with you, gives you validation and attention. It's called trauma bonding - what you are doing with this woman, as she shares her experience with her divorce and you discuss your wife's affair and pending divorce.

 

It does sound like your marriage is over, but it is difficult to assess the merit of either relationship when you are married and having an emotional affair.

 

Would I consider a relationship with a woman who lives on the other side of the country when I had children and was unable to move my family - not a chance.

 

My best advice, deal with your marriage. Then, consider this other relationship on its own merits. But, keep your expectations low because the odds that you can make a long distance relationship work are probably not great... And would that kind of relationship even meet your needs or be worth the time and effort, I really don't know...

 

Trauma bonding... and I have just realised what has been driving my own issues and emtotional up and down..

 

OP.. sounds like regardless of what happens.. your M.. is it really worth staying in for the rest of your life like this? This is a key question..

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somanymistakes

Please divorce first and then consider pursuing the possibility with the new person. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't, there's no guarantees... but the one thing we CAN guarantee is that having an affair will cause pain and suffering for everyone involved.

 

Don't jerk people's hopes around.

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...She lives on the west coast and I live in the southeast. We both have families and are not sure about relocating either side to attempt a relationship together at some point.

 

This is where the adult, logical, rational thinking needs to kick in.

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This is where the adult, logical, rational thinking needs to kick in.

 

Exactly. Of all that you have said OP, this is the part when my breaks went on...

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Hello:

 

I posted here several weeks ago about an ongoing situation that I am finding myself in with an old friend. You can check my post history if you want the details.

 

For the sake of this post: my friend is going through a divorce right now and I will likely be doing the same myself soon. We've become even closer in the last few months than we have in our 18 year history. Confessions of love have been discussed as have mutual attractions, etc. We are in constant communication via texts and phone calls and things are really great. The communication between the two of us is like no other that I've experienced; we laugh a lot and are totally open regarding emotions/struggles/desires. It is honestly a very rewarding situation despite a large physical distance and one other aspect...

 

...She is also involved with a different married guy who is local to her. They have only known each other for a few months but she claims that she loves him also. They don't seem to get much time together and he isn't in a place to leave his marriage right now. I've loved this woman for a long time and I am trying to be ok with this situation; however, it just seems to me like it is destined for a bad ending with this third person. For my own part, I am willing to try and be ok with this poly style relationship but I am very torn on what to do.

 

As enjoyable as this new dynamic is that I've found with my friend I also highly value the long friendship that we've had and don't want to seem like I am taking advantage of her. If we ever might have the chance to be together, I want it to be when we are both free of other relationships and for it to be an active choice on her part and not a reaching out for affection. I'm not assuming that that is what she is doing right now, but who knows. I ask myself what advice I'd give if I were not in this situation right now and that would be for her to detach from both married men and focus on ending her marriage and healing herself before moving on. I would absolutely love the possibility to create a life with her but want it to be because she wants me also and not just someone to comfort her. Although, according to her, she does want me; she just doesn't know how we could make it logistically happen. The whole thing is confusing and awful and I'm not sure what to do.

 

Any thoughts?

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Hello:

It is honestly a very rewarding situation despite a large physical distance and one other aspect...

 

...She is also involved with a different married guy who is local to her.

 

The whole thing is confusing and awful and I'm not sure what to do.

 

I'd say, it is confusing... All is good except this woman is involved in two relationships with two married men - yikes!

 

That would be more than enough to make me want to back away from the situation... It's waaaayyyy to complicated for me. Pursue this and there is more than a good chance you are going to get very hurt.

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You're way too involved in your "friend's" relationship.

 

 

Why don't you back off and resolve your issues with your own marriage? You need to make your decision about your divorce with a clear head, without any daydreams of the OW and a new poly relationship.

 

 

 

You've experienced infidelity with your own WW, do you really want to jump into it with not only a MW but a MM as well? BTW does the other MM know you're part of the deal?

 

 

If you divorce you'd be free to look for a new woman, one who doesn't have a partner.

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Hello:

 

Yes, you are right of course. I'm trying to conjure up the strength to do just that.

 

I do have reservations about my own past as a BS so don't think that your observations have gone unheard. The other MM does know of my existence apparently. I don't have any clue what he thinks of it but that isn't really a huge concern on my part. It does add to the messy, love triangle aspect of the whole arrangement.

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Sounds like you’re much more emotionally involved than she is.

She doesn’t sound like she’s thinking / daydreaming about a possible relationship with you even half as much as you do. Instead, she’s mentally preparing for her solo life after D, and she seems to be enjoying life with potential lovers/affairs. I like it that she’s upfront with you regarding her other relationship, and not hiding it (and apparently she’s extending the same courtesy to her other “lover”). Nothing wrong with that. The question is: are you able to handle that? If you can, go ahead and enjoy, but be prepared to possibly get burnt!

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You are echoing some of my own fears here, Artdeco. She insists that she loves me and has told me that she tries to avoid daydreaming because she then gets bogged down in logistics. The jury is still out on how much I can handle the other relationship: I am working on the jealousy aspect but it definitely puts me at a disadvantage since I can only rely on texts/phone calls for contact while he has the proximity for some kind of physical contact. That is the part that really kills me. That being said, I am fully cognizant of the fact that I may get very burnt by all of this. It may be worth it, though, to at least be able to feel things again that I haven't felt in a long time.

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She insists that she loves me and has told me that she tries to avoid daydreaming because she then gets bogged down in logistics.

 

Read this again, do you see how absolutely ridiculous it sounds. Of course she gets bogged down by logistics - she is a married woman, having an affair with two separate married men.

 

Do any of you know what a boundary is as it relates to a romantic relationship?

 

The jury is still out on how much I can handle the other relationship: I am working on the jealousy aspect but it definitely puts me at a disadvantage since I can only rely on texts/phone calls for contact while he has the proximity for some kind of physical contact.

 

You can't. I wouldn't even advise you to try...

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op,

your "friend" ( and I haven't even met her) sounds to me very much like an emotional vampire. Some people are like that, usually without realizing it. She's using you, this other man and very likely her soon to be ex-husband ( if she's telling the truth about that) to meet her emotional needs, but what is she giving back in return?

 

Some people are like bottomless pits of emotional need. You can't give her what she needs, her ex couldn't. the other married man she's seeing as says she loves isn't enough. She's showing you this with her actions, and unlike most, she's even being upfront about it with her words.

 

If you can handle that and if this type of relationship meets your needs right now, fair enough. Just clean up on mess before you start another one. That helps to keep life manageable :D

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OP, you are 100% the second choice with this women. If you are okay with that, then you're good....if not, then you're in for a world of pain.

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I guess as a BS, you feel in some sort of a competition to get yourself into a relationship to trump your WW.

BUT this ain't it.

Whilst your "Penpal" is unloading all of her divorce stuff onto you, another MM is stoking her engine.

Stop being a fool, this is not some "adventurous" poly arrangement which will outdo your wife's indiscretions, this is nonsense and you are being silly to be taken in by this "friend" who is using you to stroke her ego. Two MM at her beck and call, what's not to like?

I guess she tells him she is in love with him too...

 

You live a continent away from each other, you have kids one being only 2, where do you honestly see this going?

 

Tell her to get lost with her massive ego and her "issues".

Sort out your divorce as amicably as possible and be a good father to your kids, they will need you more than ever...

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I didn't realize there's another MM involved with her, apart from her Husband whom she is divorcing.

 

OP, please take yourself outta this picture and asap.

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