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I LOVE my boyfriend but I can't stop thinking about my X? Why?


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2muchthought

My boyfriend J and I (together 1yr now) have a fantastic relationship thus far, one that started as a beautiful friendship and blossomed into what we have now. I met him about 6-7 months after a horrible break up w/ my X. That relationship ended in the worst way....lets just say I met his 17 year old girl friend and their month old baby out of no where one day! I had no idea and to top things off, this girl lived only 1 block from where I live! It was a very painful thing for me to go through, I was devastated in so many ways. Well that was that, I was miserable until I met J now, he lifted my spirits from the day I met him. He was my savior! J and I had a beautiful friendship for 9 months, though out this time he took me out, spend countless nights on the phone with as I vented and poured my heard out onto him…he was so patient and gentle with me….I love him for so many reasons! He definitely earned and won my heart over!

 

Anyway-thing is that I still sometimes think about my X, about how he is doing and what he is up to? I wonder why I don't see him around the neighborhood (we live in the same city, I used to see him all the time). I know he is with this girl....the 17 yr old...(he is 25, I'm 26) and I don't care about that I'm not jealous or anything, it's just curiosity I guess. When we broke up he went away for a while and only recently did he come around the way but I only saw him like 2x’s and then never again….I guess this is what sparked my curiosity!

 

Don’t get me wrong I truly am in love with J, he is where my heart is….I would never do anything to loose him. The thing w/ my X is just a curiosity thing. I’d like to talk w/ him and see where his head is at lately. We used to be good friends, we where together for 3yrs and we where very honest w/ each other always…(except for his indiscretions obviously). I have this sort of concern and pity for him, I wonder if he is well and if he is happy? Is this crazy? I mean the way I see it is, I spent 3 yrs of my life with this person, we knew each others deepest secretes and then b/c of this incident (which I don’t even care about anymore) he is gone and we have no communication. It’s weird how people can do that…spend so much time w/ someone and then go on as if it never happened……it did happen and I do know this man so well, I know so much about him and he about me….yet it’s all up in the air….life is so weird!

 

I drive down the street sometimes and I just hope to see him again, last time I did I just drove by as if he wasn’t there….I felt bad, if I could now I would stop and say “hey, how are you”…..

 

I don’t know why I have this concern, why I want to see him….could it be that I need closure?

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Samantha2005
Anyway-thing is that I still sometimes think about my X, about how he is doing and what he is up to? I wonder why I don't see him around the neighborhood (we live in the same city, I used to see him all the time). I know he is with this girl....the 17 yr old...(he is 25, I'm 26)

 

Seems that we take it personally, as a reflection on us or as some type of rejection, when these sort of things happen. As a result, I think that in the back of our mind we're trying to win the ex's "approval" when indeed it's not really an issue of approval at all.

 

Can you remember what it was that attracted you to this guy to begin with? And now that you know him, can you honestly say he's the SAME person you thought he was when you first met. NO !! He couldnt have possibly kept such a thing from you and been on the up and up.

 

You should consider yourself lucky that you found out about this guy and what he's all about and feel sorry for this girl.

 

I hope you dont fall into the trap of running after guys who do this sort of thing ... a psychological manipulation in a way, they know that many women will run after a man who can "do without them".

 

Put this loser out of your mind and keep this good man you've got.

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2muchthought

I see where you would get the idea that I am following a pattern but truth is I've been there and done that. The best thing to ever happen to me is my boyfriend J, he has shown me what a true relationship is, what true love is!

 

I love him and I am very loyal to him! Then again, I'm loyal naturally! Non-the-less the thought of replacing him with yesterday’s news is nowhere in my mind! I am happier with him than I've ever been and I see that, I know that and I appreciate that!

 

This thing w/ X is curiosity, just b/c we broke up and the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing didn't work out for us doesn't me that instantly the 3 years of bonding and sharing goes away. Again, I am in no way trying to have friendship w/ him now, even less am I chasing after him or anything.....I simply wonder how he is doing?

 

We spent many a night talking and sharing each other deepest thoughts, secretes and emotions......I still remember this, I remember about how he told me about his childhood. Not that a bad childhood excuses anything but when he told me that his brother molested him one night and that after that his emotions where all screwed up, I sincerely listened and felt for him. When he told me how as he grew into a man he made it a point to prove to himself that he was not gay, that what his brother did to him was not his fault and that he didn't like it, when he told me that this is why he has been the way he is.....I believed him. I know his family, I know his past and I know he's been through a lot and I know that he has issues which he has been dealing with in all the wrong ways! Anyway in part knowing these things about this man who I spent so much time with does make me wonder where life has taken him now! How is he doing? Has he finally come to terms w/ himself and so on? and NO I am not trying to fix him, maybe then I was but I am now very much aware that no one can help/fix anyone who can't do it for themselves!

 

So again, knowing as much as I know about this guy and his life I simply wonder where is life is now! I feel for him! Nothing romantic, nothing extraordinary just simple concern for a life I used to know!

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Samantha2005

Good !!

 

That's probably natural to just wonder. I'm happy that you were able to make such a good catch as J. He sounds like a perfect guy.

 

Good luck to you.

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My boyfriend J and I (together 1yr now) have a fantastic relationship thus far, one that started as a beautiful friendship and blossomed into what we have now. I met him about 6-7 months after a horrible break up w/ my X. That relationship ended in the worst way....lets just say I met his 17 year old girl friend and their month old baby out of no where one day! I had no idea and to top things off, this girl lived only 1 block from where I live! It was a very painful thing for me to go through, I was devastated in so many ways. Well that was that, I was miserable until I met J now, he lifted my spirits from the day I met him. He was my savior! J and I had a beautiful friendship for 9 months, though out this time he took me out, spend countless nights on the phone with as I vented and poured my heard out onto him…he was so patient and gentle with me….I love him for so many reasons! He definitely earned and won my heart over!

 

Repeat this to yourself over and over again!! Don't ruin something beautiful because your mind is curious, who/what/where he is? He's probably struggling to be father and dealing with a lot bigger issues than you can imagine. What matters is that you're happy now and having these thoughts will eventually escalate to frustrations within yourself and it will cause problems with your relationship. Don't worry about him, enjoy your man now, it sounds like you have a nice guy by your side. :)

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2muchthought

I do have a nice man, he's great I love him.......again, I am not even considering leaving him or doing anything that may even taint the beautiful relationship that we have never mind ruin it!

 

Well then, I guess no one else has ever gotten over a relationship and still genuinely cared for the person they spent years with as just that - a person. I didn't think this was that uncommon but I guess it is.

 

Well, I will continue to wonder until the day I see him again and then I will stop and say "Hey, how's it going" and I'm sure we'll have a mature conversation about what ever we are up to at the time which will end with a "it was nice seeing you and take care"....that's all I had in mind!

 

I know for a fact he is not doing all that great but even if he where I'm not hating on him.......just as he would never on me. We where once good freinds and more and just because the later is over it doesn't mean that we can't still wonder about that person!

 

I don't know, I just always thought it weird how people can have someone in their lives for years and then break up and never talk again.......it's so pretentious....you have to pretend that you don't wonder, care or anything about that person ever again when in fact if you ever did truly love that person then you should in fact still care no matter what!

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floatinglotus

It is only natural to wonder - you are right.

 

When I was 19 I loved a young man very much. It didn't work out but I always thought of him. Years later, he contacted me again (I had dreamt for many years he would). I was 26 by this stage. He was living overseas. He came to see me but I realised after seeing him again, he was not the one for me. I'd been holding on to a dream - a sweet one but a dream only.

 

I still think about him often. We lost contact after "reuniting" and I always will wish him well. But just because I think of him, it does not mean that I'm in love or want him. I just remember with much fondness the feelings I once had for him (for many years!).

 

I don't think you want his approval and it's ok to wonder. It's only natural and normal. You'll be fine.

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Originally posted by 2muchthought

I don't know, I just always thought it weird howzpeople can have someone in their lives for years and then break up and never talk again.......it's so pretentious....you have to pretend that you don't wonder, care or anything about that person ever again when in fact if you ever did truly love that person then you should in fact still care no matter what!

 

What's so pretentious about moving on? People do it all the time, even if you cannot.

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Originally posted by 2muchthought

.......it's so pretentious....you have to pretend that you don't wonder, care or anything about that person ever again when in fact if you ever did truly love that person then you should in fact still care no matter what!

 

Love's is a moveable feast. There's no law that says you have to care about an ex for the rest of your life in order to prove that the feelings you once had for them were real. Anyway, surely most people only have so much real lurve in their hearts to share around. What's the point of wasting it on someone who's left your life, when you could be lavishing it on the person who actually thinks enough of you to be with you?

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2muchthought

floatinglotus:

Thank you for understanding, it's good to know that I'm not the only one!

 

westernxer:

I enjoy a beautiful relationship w/ my boyfriend everyday, we share so much and are the best of friends.........if this is not moving on, I don't know what is!

 

Lindya:

My boyfriend would be the first to tell you himself that he has never felt more loved, I share every ounce of my heart w/ him. He is most definitely not lacking in any department. I guess maybe I just have MORE LOVE in my heart to go around than most people do! Although I hardly consider a thought here and there about a past friend and lover, sharing the love!

 

Thank you all for your opinions, it's nice to hear different thoughts on the matter!

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Anyway-thing is that I still sometimes think about my X, about how he is doing and what he is up to? I wonder why I don't see him around the neighborhood (we live in the same city, I used to see him all the time). I know he is with this girl....the 17 yr old...(he is 25, I'm 26) and I don't care about that I'm not jealous or anything, it's just curiosity I guess. When we broke up he went away for a while and only recently did he come around the way but I only saw him like 2x’s and then never again….I guess this is what sparked my curiosity!

 

Don’t get me wrong I truly am in love with J, he is where my heart is….I would never do anything to loose him. The thing w/ my X is just a curiosity thing. I’d like to talk w/ him and see where his head is at lately. We used to be good friends, we where together for 3yrs and we where very honest w/ each other always…(except for his indiscretions obviously). I have this sort of concern and pity for him, I wonder if he is well and if he is happy? Is this crazy? I mean the way I see it is, I spent 3 yrs of my life with this person, we knew each others deepest secretes and then b/c of this incident (which I don’t even care about anymore) he is gone and we have no communication. It’s weird how people can do that…spend so much time w/ someone and then go on as if it never happened……it did happen and I do know this man so well, I know so much about him and he about me….yet it’s all up in the air….life is so weird!

 

I drive down the street sometimes and I just hope to see him again, last time I did I just drove by as if he wasn’t there….I felt bad, if I could now I would stop and say “hey, how are you”…..

 

I don’t know why I have this concern, why I want to see him….could it be that I need closure?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had the same yearning to know about my ex-love. He left 21 years ago and one of the reasons was because of me. We never had closure. I was and am still married. I always wondered about him, never forgot him, but stayed married and carried on with life. He never married, but was engaged 3 times. Well, six months ago, I found out he was in town. He applied for some jobs where I work as this is where we met. He had no idea that I was still working here after so long. A friend of his sisters told a friend of mine that he was looking for a job. That friend, not knowing the past that he and I had, told me he was back in town. I found out he applied for a job in my co-worker/friends's area, but was over qualified. From the application, I got his email. Well..I emailed him. He immediately called me and we talked as if there were not 21 years between us. We caught up on eachother's lives and he asked me to lunch. All feelings flooded back, even after 21 years. Old flames do not die and as he said, it is sometimes bittersweet.

 

Long story short, in the past 5 mos we had an emotional affair that on several occasions almost turned into a full blown affair. But he decided he could not be a part time boyfriend. We stopped contact for 3 weeks as he backed out on a night we were to spend together for the 1st time in 21 years.

 

We just had contact 3 days ago and met for lunch. We are going to have a long distance (he just moved 50 miles away for a new job) platonic friendship and maybe on rare occasions, meet for lunch.

 

This has caused me more emotional discord the second time around. We still love eachother, but unless I leave my husband, we have no other choice. I know that I cannot leave as I have a 10 year old child. So

the emotional affair has come to an end. I believe he will stop all contact with me eventually, though he promised that we would stay in touch for life. We finally had closure for the 1st time around, but now we have reopened the wounds. I feel lousy. We were so much open and passionate this 2nd time around, that I am now depressed. Be careful what you ask for.

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2muchthought

Dueces: Thanks for posting but I have to say that a 10yr old is no reason to stay in a relationship. I my self have a 10yr old daughter from my 1st love when I was 16. Since then I had only had one other serious relationship & lover - that being my X and now my new boyfreind who is just fantastic in all ways. My daughter has taken to everything just fine. I think it's all a matter of being honest w/ your child, knowing how to talk with your child.

 

If you was to one day actually cheat on your husband---who you seem not to love---you would end up looking like the evil one in your daughters eyes, and think what type of example would you be setting for this little girl. Understood, you haven't cheated or at least not in this case, not in 21 years but the fact that you would is something to think about! I worry for you little girl more knowing that you would cheat on her father instead of leaving him........ I think one day in the future if you did cheat on him and it was to come out, this would be the very question your little girl would ask you!

 

Ps. I have no intentions of cheating on my boyfreind, not only b/c I love him but b/c I would never stay w/ someone I felt the need to cheat on! I may wonder how my X is today, but I carry no torch!

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2muchthought

Marshbear: I haven't had many X's, before him there was my daughters father who I still communicate with, and aside fromt that he only other one. I only wonder b/c I haven't seen him around in so long, I mean he used to be all over the place around town and now it's like he disappeared and I just wonder if he is OK.

 

I'm the type that likes to keep touch I guess. I don't have many people in my life but the ones that are in my life are a select few who I took time getting to know and probably will be in my life for ever. I have 5 girlfreinds and we've been best freinds for about 13 years now. I guess this should tell you something about me, I'm not the passer by type. I am true to my word and care very much about those I know!

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I have no intentions of cheating on my boyfreind, not only b/c I love him but b/c I would never stay w/ someone I felt the need to cheat on! I may wonder how my X is today, but I carry no torch!

 

 

2muchthought: I will take what you said to heart. I had no intention on cheating on my husband (I was a virgin when we married), when I had contact with my ex-lover, but found the feelings were there and never went away. Yes, cheating would be far worse than if I actually left. I never said I didn't love my husband, but I have been married as long as you have been on this earth (26 years) and I have changed. We have changed. The reason that I had the first affair was because we were separated and he was cheating with 2 woman at once. I ended up falling in love with my ex-lover, but decided for my son's sake (he is 25) to stay married and now for my daughter. I don't believe my husband has cheated on me since, nor I on him. But I am now assessing my situation and my ex-lover and I will not have an affair as a mutual decision. But he will always be dear to my heart and I will always wonder about his welfare as you've wondered . He has been my only other lover besides my husband. People come in and out of lives and just because they are out, we still hold some close to our hearts. I didn't mean to insinuate that you would do the same as I, just wanted to share my experience on what happened to me after 21 years.

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