Bad ending to relationship: I told his wife

[Hopelessromantic04]

He and I met 11 months ago.

We had instant chemistry. We got into a relationship and things were great for the first 3 months. He never once hinted that he was married. He never wore a ring. Never spoke about a wife. Nothing.

 

We were on the fast track. Which in my opinion is okay depending at what stage you are in your lives. I’m 26 and he is 32. So we talked about marriage and kids in the future a lot.

 

He even introduced me to his friends and cousins. However, one day I wanted to see pictures of his family but he didn’t have a Facebook.

 

I went digging on his brothers Facebook and I stumbled upon wedding photos from HIS wedding.

 

When I say this changed my whole world, I’m not over exaggerating. I was lost, confused, and heartbroken because the man I had fallen in love with was a liar and an unfaithful married man.

 

Because I was stupid and head over heels for him, I confronted him but I stayed in the relationship.

 

Days after, I found out I was pregnant.

 

We were both very happy. He doesn’t have kids with his wife (they have only been married for 2 years so I guess they were waiting)

 

But as soon as I told my cousin, her face brought me back to reality. I was pregnant with a married man’s child (I was pregnant with twins). I instantly knew that my family nor friends would take my pregnancy well. So I told him that I might be considering an abortion.

 

He begged me not to have an abortion so I gave him an ultimatum. I said , leave your wife and be a family with me and the kids or I’m getting an abortion.

 

In MY head at the time, I didn’t why the choice should be that difficult. We loved eachother. He seemed unhappy in his marriage or else why would he stay in this relationship with me. He didn’t have kids with his wife. They had only been married for 2 years. His wife is 29 so she is still young and can get remarried. Logically, it made sense for him to get a divorce.

 

But when presented, he was very upset and said to me, “Well, I cant make that choice right now so if you want to get an abortion, I can’t stop you.”

 

That made me so upset because this is the same guy that cried out of joy and lifted me up high in his arms when he found out I was pregnant.

 

So my first attempt at abortion, I called him saying I’m on my way to the clinic. He broke down in tears and begged me not to have the abortion saying that he would still be a good father even though he is married. He also said all hope isn’t lost for us being a family because the “future is not determined”. He said, maybe his wife will divorce him after finding out about the twins. So I should be patient.

 

I waited a few more weeks to see if my mind would change. But I couldn’t take that chance. I knew that having children with a married man would be too much for me to handle. I knew it would significantly impact how I would be as a mother and I didn’t want my kids to endure all of that. So I had an abortion.

 

I never told him this time. I simply told him the pregnancy was gone. I didn’t want to talk about it nor did he want to talk about it. So we brushed it under the rug. It was hard for both of us because we both wanted the babies.

 

At this point, we both should have walked away from this affair but we were in love and a lot of emotions involved at this point. We still had a good relationship and continued to make more beautiful memories together. I would say, we fell deeper in love after the abortion.

 

Things changed about a month ago when he had to go back to his home city for 2 months to take care of his mom. He is originally from Texas but worked in New York. His wife is in nursing school in Texas so they have a home together in texas. I lived in New York when we first met but when I graduated, I moved back to south Jersey with my parents. So it’s like this was a sexual relationship where he was using me for sex. We could have broken up so many times.

 

So yeah, he moved back to Texas to take care of his sick mom and of course he was now with his wife. This made me extremely jealous and reality set in that I was sharing a man.

 

Before he left for Texas, we spoke about our future and I told him that we should take a break so he can figure out what he wants. He told me that he loves me and he loves his wife. And said, “But maybe there is a reason why I’m cheating. When I get to texas I’ll do some soul searching.”

 

He told me to be patient and wait for things to change in his marriage.

 

So when he went to texas communication between us got extremely low. He would send me our typical goodmorning, goodnight, and I love you texts but we weren’t talking on the phone like we used to-obviously because his wife was around.

 

This made me upset because he expected me to accept this and I do not want to share a man.

 

I asked him how he felt being in texas. Does he feel like he wants to stay in his marriage or leave and he said he still doesn’t know and that I should be patient and he loves me.

 

What caused me to snap last week was because we were FINALLY able to talk on the phone and his wife came into the room and he hung up on me.

 

I then told him that I wanted to break up because I can’t deal with all of this anymore. He didn’t respond for a few hours because his wife and him went to dinner. So I got SO angry that I went on Facebook and messaged his wife telling her everything.

 

I noticed his wife doesn’t use Facebook often so I messaged her friend that I see in a lot of her photos “Please tell your friend to check her Facebook messages.” That was all-I didn’t tell her friend any details of course.

 

So I gave the guy a heads up, “Hey, I know you and I will never talk again but I just wanted to give you a heads up that I messaged your wife telling her about everything. I know you have her password so if you want you can delete the message, but I loved you and I wanted to hurt you so I had to message her to revenge. Though, it doesn’t feel good, I’m sorry for doing that. Just go in and delete it since you can. Have a nice life”

 

He then texted me back saying I’ll call you in a few minutes. He called me and BEGGED me not to break up. He said he will change. And he said that he is not angry that I messaged his wife. He said, “Maybe she will divorce me and this will be our chance to finally be together.”

 

Silly me, I still stayed. Everything went back to normal..even better. He started making time to call me more and was being super affectionate up until yesterday. Literally 4 days after I messaged his wife.

 

At 8:40 am he sent me our normal text saying, “Good morning babe. I love you and miss you. I hope you have a great day. Talk tonight.” By 9:15 am he called me twice in a row but I missed it. He then texted me, “have you been talking

to my wife’s friend about the affair?” And I called him back saying “No, I didn’t give her details: I just saw she was more active on Facebook so I told her to tell your wife to check her Facebook. But that was all on the same day that I sent the message.”

 

And he said, “Well, my wife is about to read it and she will probably divorce me. But whayever, I’m tired of this. I’m not going to marry you. Once she divorces me, I’ll be single and just find a new woman.”

 

I was literally shocked and heartbroken.

 

I don’t UNDERSTAND what changed. I didn’t mean to leave out that detail

About telling her friend to ask his wife to check his Facebook messages but for some reason this minor detail changed everything.

 

He even had the opportunity to delete the message!!! He knows he password but he didn’t because he said he didn’t mind getting caught.

 

He then said some really nasty things to me like, “I know you aborted by babies too. I’m not stupid. But out of respect for you I didn’t ask you questions. You killed our babies.”

 

He then texted me after I hung up saying, “I take responsibility for everything. I wish I could change everything and I wish I never met you.”

 

That hurt me so badly I haven’t stopped crying for an entire day.

 

I just need to understand what happened and why he suddenly got upset?

 

Do you think he ever loved me?

 

Could someone give me some insight. I’m lost and in a dark place.

 

Thank you!

Edited October 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CPD1]

Walk away now, don’t look back,it’s easier said than done but take it from someone who is still In a similar situation,, if he’d want to be with you he would be with you!! He’s using you!

I don’t want to be hard on you but it’s reality!

[Normm]

I instantly knew that my family nor friends would take my pregnancy well. So I told him that I might be considering an abortion.

 

 

You're considering an abortion because your family and friends would disapprove? I can think of better reasons.

[stillafool]

He knew that his wife barely if ever checked her FB so that is why he wasn't worried about her seeing your message. That gave him an opportunity to lie to you that he didn't care if she found out and to take his time to delete the message. Unfortunately for him his wife's friend tipped her off so the wife got to the message before he had a chance to delete and now he's losing his wife. He never wanted to divorce his wife and be with you. This is called being thrown under the bus.

[HiCrunchy]

The mistake u made was not leaving after the abortion.

The ultimatum should have included losing you because now this allows him him to string u along as his ow.

[ExpatInItaly]

No, he didn't love you. Someone who actually loves you doesn't lie about their martial status (even a lie of omission is a lie) and let you find out on your own that he's not who he says he is. A man who loves you isn't going to play games like this. He loves himself, but not you.

 

He is changing his tune with you now because despite what he's been telling you, he doesn't plan on leaving his wife and is panicking that she found out. He was blowing hot air up your backside with his talk of this being his opportunity to get out of his marriage and be with you. No, he planned to delete your message to her so she wouldn't find out. Now that the crap has hit the fan, he's mad that you've ended his playtime and put him in the doghouse with his wife. Tough cookies for him. But it at least confirms that he was feeding you an awful lot of BS, and didn't actually ever intend to leave his marriage for you.

 

I am not sure why you're shocked by any of his behaviouor, though. You knew this guy was capable of lying and presenting a false image as soon as you found out he was married. He is all about meeting his own needs and desires. Yours are not important to him, and never really were.

 

It's moot now, but I would be curious to hear how he managed to introduce you to his friends and cousin if he was already married - did they know you were dating him?

[stillafool]

 

It's moot now, but I would be curious to hear how he managed to introduce you to his friends and cousin if he was already married - did they know you were dating him?

 

These men lie so much they may not have been his cousins but friends acting like relatives.

[ExpatInItaly]

These men lie so much they may not have been his cousins but friends acting like relatives.

 

Of course, but the point is that surely they would still know he is a married man. Either they are just as gross as he is and don't care that their buddy is a cheater, or they didn't know he was married either. Or she was introduced to them as just a friend.

 

Which was it, OP?

[ABernie]

I'm really not sure the answer to your question, but I do know, just like you had a phase of anger, he did too once all the poop hit.

 

It does seem like he is a narcissist.

 

 

The more important thing is YOU getting better. It is EXTREMELY difficult. I would tell you to delete everything, but I know from experience that is easier said than done.

 

You need to focus on you:

 

1. Find an IC, if you don't already

2. Make plans with friends

3. Book a vacation

4. Retail therapy always worked for me. I actually would look for fashions on TV/movies, find the designer and then try to find them for cheap. If I could, great, but many times I couldn't, but it was a great distraction. Looking through racks of clothes and trying on helps too, even if you don't buy a thing. I lost a lot of weight in my process, so I did need all new clothes.

5. Write a break up song/poem. This is the pain that great songs are made of. Those sobbing sessions are cathartic.

6. Exercise, exercise, exercise!

7. I actually signed up for a speed dating session. I have 0 expectations, but it sounds like I'm going to have some great stories to tell

[Hopelessromantic04]

Those were his cousins. In his wedding photos, I saw that they were his best man/groomsman. They knew were were dating. He introduced me as his girlfriend and we were really lovey dovey (kissing, holding hands etc) so they knew. When I got pregnant and considered abortion, his friend texted me saying I should not have an abortion.

[Hopelessromantic04]

No, he didn't love you. Someone who actually loves you doesn't lie about their martial status (even a lie of omission is a lie) and let you find out on your own that he's not who he says he is. A man who loves you isn't going to play games like this. He loves himself, but not you.

 

He is changing his tune with you now because despite what he's been telling you, he doesn't plan on leaving his wife and is panicking that she found out. He was blowing hot air up your backside with his talk of this being his opportunity to get out of his marriage and be with you. No, he planned to delete your message to her so she wouldn't find out. Now that the crap has hit the fan, he's mad that you've ended his playtime and put him in the doghouse with his wife. Tough cookies for him. But it at least confirms that he was feeding you an awful lot of BS, and didn't actually ever intend to leave his marriage for you.

 

I am not sure why you're shocked by any of his behaviouor, though. You knew this guy was capable of lying and presenting a false image as soon as you found out he was married. He is all about meeting his own needs and desires. Yours are not important to him, and never really were.

 

It's moot now, but I would be curious to hear how he managed to introduce you to his friends and cousin if he was already married - did they know you were dating him?

 

 

 

 

Those were his cousins. In his wedding photos, I saw that they were his best man/groomsman. They knew were were dating. He introduced me as his girlfriend and we were really lovey dovey (kissing, holding hands etc) so they knew. When I got pregnant and considered abortion, his friend texted me saying I should not have an abortion.

 

I understand what your saying but can someone give me a logical answer to this: WHY wouldn’t he delete the message immediately? Or the next day? He had 4 WHOLE DAYS. Each day I would tell him, “If you haven’t deleted it, you should probably delete it.” And he said “No, I’m not going to delete it.” I’m starting to wonder if he was more so embarrassed that her friend had an idea of what is going on so his good guy image is tarnished.

 

Also, I understand the logical side of all of the responses I received. However, I can’t help but wonder why didn’t he just end it earlier? He had so many opportunities to leave. If he didn’t love me or used me for a joy ride, he could have left sooner. Besides, it’s not like we saw eachother all the time. Due to scheduling, we could only see eachother twice a month after I moved away from New York. So it’s definitely not for the sex. He is a good looking man. Women are always flirting with him. He could have gotten another side chick if it were about sex.

 

Also men typically don’t get excited when their side chick gets pregnant. He wanted the pregnancy. When I wanted to have an abortion he was very against it. He always talked about how excited he was to be a father. yet his wife doesn’t have a hold with him because he uses condoms with her because he doesn’t want kids with her yet. So WHY would he get pregnant with me on purpose if he were using me? I think to use that term, “he used you” or he didn’t love you is so easy but often their are deeper complexities. This isn’t to say he isn’t a selfish man. He is. But I’m saying, if you are going to say he didn’t love me please give me reasons why.

[Hopelessromantic04]

I'm really not sure the answer to your question, but I do know, just like you had a phase of anger, he did too once all the poop hit.

 

It does seem like he is a narcissist.

 

 

The more important thing is YOU getting better. It is EXTREMELY difficult. I would tell you to delete everything, but I know from experience that is easier said than done.

 

You need to focus on you:

 

1. Find an IC, if you don't already

2. Make plans with friends

3. Book a vacation

4. Retail therapy always worked for me. I actually would look for fashions on TV/movies, find the designer and then try to find them for cheap. If I could, great, but many times I couldn't, but it was a great distraction. Looking through racks of clothes and trying on helps too, even if you don't buy a thing. I lost a lot of weight in my process, so I did need all new clothes.

5. Write a break up song/poem. This is the pain that great songs are made of. Those sobbing sessions are cathartic.

6. Exercise, exercise, exercise!

7. I actually signed up for a speed dating session. I have 0 expectations, but it sounds like I'm going to have some great stories to tell

 

 

Thank you! This is all very sound and helpful advice. In your first point, what does IC mean? Thanks

[Hopelessromantic04]

The mistake u made was not leaving after the abortion.

The ultimatum should have included losing you because now this allows him him to string u along as his ow.

 

I wholeheartedly agree. My mistake wasn’t walking away after the abortion.

[Hopelessromantic04]

You're considering an abortion because your family and friends would disapprove? I can think of better reasons.

 

I think regardless of my reasons, two people do not have the same reasoning for having an abortion. And you should be less abrasive with judging people that have different reasonings than your self. Thanks.

[Normm]

I think regardless of my reasons, two people do not have the same reasoning for having an abortion. And you should be less abrasive with judging people that have different reasonings than your self. Thanks.

 

 

You should make major decisions based on what is best for you not based on what other people think of you.

[Hopelessromantic04]

He knew that his wife barely if ever checked her FB so that is why he wasn't worried about her seeing your message. That gave him an opportunity to lie to you that he didn't care if she found out and to take his time to delete the message. Unfortunately for him his wife's friend tipped her off so the wife got to the message before he had a chance to delete and now he's losing his wife. He never wanted to divorce his wife and be with you. This is called being thrown under the bus.

 

My only rebuttal would be that, he could have deleted it. I told him that I deleted my Facebook messanger app so I could no longer see if he deleted it, she read it, etc. so why not just DELETE IT? Doesn’t make sense. If someone really doesn’t want to get caught, I would delete it right away. That sends a strong signal that he doesn’t want to get caught. Why take your time? For what purpose?

 

I think the logical explanation in my head is that now he is embarrassed. I think he was okay with his wife divorcing him but maybe in a more private sense. I think now that her friend has an idea of what’s going on, his good guy image is tarnished. I don’t know, it could be a combination of reasons.

[Hopelessromantic04]

Walk away now, don’t look back,it’s easier said than done but take it from someone who is still In a similar situation,, if he’d want to be with you he would be with you!! He’s using you!

I don’t want to be hard on you but it’s reality!

 

Using me for what exactly?

[Starswillshine]

Those were his cousins. In his wedding photos, I saw that they were his best man/groomsman. They knew were were dating. He introduced me as his girlfriend and we were really lovey dovey (kissing, holding hands etc) so they knew. When I got pregnant and considered abortion, his friend texted me saying I should not have an abortion.

 

Sometimes, it is hard to understand the rationale on what they do or say. I think he was living in a fantasy world with you. I'm sure there was some sort of feelings there. He had two relationships going. Getting attention from two women. He had his wife back home and you where he lived.

 

All I can say is that nothing they ever say can be believed. I had this long conversation with my soon to be EX WH. He begs for me to take him back. Meanwhile, he is in another relationship (not his OW, a woman he met after our separation). I have told him it is completely disrespectful to her to have feelings for me and want me back but be involved with her. He has told me he has been honest with her. That he would drop her if I wanted him back. I felt so sad for this lady. Then realized.... he lies. None of this is true. Quite possibly the woman is made up. Or she isnt, he is telling her how much he loves her, etc. They lie... convincingly. We read into their actions. We say they wouldnt do this if they didnt love us. Or wouldnt do that if they loved her. Etc.

 

While I am the BS, I think OW/BS are basically the same. We all get cheated on, we all get lied to. I started to base my decisions on how he made me feel and if I was going to keep allowing him to make me feel that way. Cant make sense of their words and even sometimes their actions (because you (general) arent around all the time, so you do not even know what the other person is getting, too.)

 

Sorry you are here. Hugs.

Edited October 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

My only rebuttal would be that, he could have deleted it. I told him that I deleted my Facebook messanger app so I could no longer see if he deleted it, she read it, etc. so why not just DELETE IT? Doesn’t make sense. If someone really doesn’t want to get caught, I would delete it right away. That sends a strong signal that he doesn’t want to get caught. Why take your time? For what purpose?

 

I think the logical explanation in my head is that now he is embarrassed. I think he was okay with his wife divorcing him but maybe in a more private sense. I think now that her friend has an idea of what’s going on, his good guy image is tarnished. I don’t know, it could be a combination of reasons.

 

He probably got busy with his wife/mother/family/home and forgot to delete it. He knows she never checks it anyway so he probably thought he had all the time in the world to do it. If he exposed his affair to his wife her friend was going to find out anyway and think he was a creep. He doesn't want her friend thinking badly of him because he had no plans to leave his wife and doesn't want anyone to think of him as a cheating husband. He told you the truth that if his wife leaves he has no plans to be with you but another woman. This is very common with men who have to divorce because of an affair. They don't end up with the affair partner because they are a reminder of an ugly time in their life. So they end up with a completely new person.

[pepperbird]

I wouldn't trust this guy to look after a houseplant,let along a relationship.

 

 

There is something weird about a family where cheating is tacitly accepted. The fact that his friend and cousin were fine with him cheating on is wife is very telling. If this guy has been brought up with that same attitude, you can't trust him. Ever.

[SouthernIslander]

You should make major decisions based on what is best for you not based on what other people think of you.

 

 

I waited a few more weeks to see if my mind would change. But I couldnÂ’t take that chance. I knew that having children with a married man would be too much for me to handle. I knew it would significantly impact how I would be as a mother and I didnÂ’t want my kids to endure all of that. So I had an abortion.

 

 

^^ This doesn't read like the only reason why she made that decision was because of what people thought.

 

 

I know several people who were products of an affair. It had a negative impact well into adulthood on nearly all of them. Though not as common, I have seen the affair have an impact on how a mother parents her kids.

 

 

 

OP's concerns are extremely valid and MM shouldn't have put OP or children in that position by lying about his marital status.

 

 

All due respect, that had to be a difficult decision to make and I don't think its necessary to judge OP for it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Due to scheduling, we could only see eachother twice a month after I moved away from New York. So it’s definitely not for the sex. He is a good looking man. Women are always flirting with him. He could have gotten another side chick if it were about sex.

And he probably did, OP. He is very comfortable with lying and infidelity. And the friends you met appeared to be familiar with this side of him. They weren't shocked to meet their married buddy's girlfriend. That strongly suggests this was not his first affair, and for all you know, you were not the only "side chick" on his roster either. He's walked this walk before.

 

He always talked about how excited he was to be a father. yet his wife doesn’t have a hold with him because he uses condoms with her because he doesn’t want kids with her yet. So WHY would he get pregnant with me on purpose if he were using me?

So he claims. You have to understand, this guy lies likes it's his job. You are not in bed with them, and have no clue what sort of contraceptive he uses with her - if he uses any at all. You have already learned that you can't trust what he tells you.

 

But I’m saying, if you are going to say he didn’t love me please give me reasons why.

I did. Go back and re-read my initial post to your thread.

 

Unfortunately, he knows you are naive and not experienced with men like him. And he exploits that. Your mistake wasn't not walking away after the abortion. You mistake was not walking away after you learned this man is married.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Maybe I missed something but do you have any proof that his wife read the message, other than him saying he did not delete it? I would bet money he deleted it and is lying to you. You have to understand that men like this lie about everything. Lies on top of lies.

[Bittersweetie]

I think the logical explanation in my head is that now he is embarrassed. I think he was okay with his wife divorcing him but maybe in a more private sense. I think now that her friend has an idea of what’s going on, his good guy image is tarnished. I don’t know, it could be a combination of reasons.

 

You are never going to fully understand why this guy did what he did. He did crappy things to his wife and to you. The fact is, for you, it doesn't matter why he did it. You can move forward and learn from the choices you made this time, in order to make better choices in the future.

 

Please--you can spend days, months, years even trying to figure out why someone did what they did, and never get an answer. I spent decades wondering why someone I loved hurt me and once I let it go, weight lifted off of me. I wasted so much mental energy and time on this other person who didn't deserve it.

 

Take care of yourself and work on healing yourself. Good luck.

[Hopelessromantic04]

Maybe I missed something but do you have any proof that his wife read the message, other than him saying he did not delete it? I would bet money he deleted it and is lying to you. You have to understand that men like this lie about everything. Lies on top of lies.

 

Truthfully, I don’t know if he deleted the messages or not. If I understand what you’re saying, he could have deleted them and pretended not to. Then maybe he got mad because his wife’s friend tipped his wife that there was a shady Facebook message waiting for her. Maybe when she asked him, she knew he went in and deleted it. That could be a huge possibility as well.