Affair over

[Maybelle]

I was in a 6 month affair that ended a month ago. Mainly emotional. There was no intercourse but some sexual situations. I am devastated. I have no one to talk to. I am severely depressed.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

 

Pretty normal for ending emotional attachments. Pain and depression can be a part of that.

 

Are you married or single? What I noticed over the decades is it seemed easier to get over the attachment when married. More distractions and stuff to take one's mind on to other things. Easy to dwell when single.

 

Is this your first affair or have there been others? I noticed, with MW's who had more experience, things went easier for them. The first was usually the worst as far as the pain part. Kind of like the first divorce is the most painful one.

 

Do you know how to implement no-contact? Read up on that here if you aren't clear on it. I believe most of the info is in our Coping forum. If you're out of your affair, that's likely where you'll end up.

 

Been decades ago but it took me a couple years to get over a serious EA I had as a single guy. Probably atypical for a man but we're all individuals. Good luck in your recovery.

[Maybelle]

I am married. This is my first affair and his as well. We were coworkers and friends for many years. There has been no contact since he ended it. I have read about no contact. It's killing me. I have so many mixed emotions.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am married. This is my first affair and his as well. We were coworkers and friends for many years. There has been no contact since he ended it. I have read about no contact. It's killing me. I have so many mixed emotions.

 

Hi Maybelle. I am sorry for your pain. I went through it myself and it was the worst experience on earth. You said coworkers, are you still at the same job? I tried that for a year afterwards and it does't work. First of all, they typically come back so there's that but you can't get over someone you see. It takes 6 months of complete NC before you start to feel better. Consider him your heroin.

[carhill]

Thanks for the response. I've had this friends + issue with MW's where they sometimes blur boundaries in their minds over time. Takes a shake-up to get them back on track. Most do fine though. The older more experienced ones have an easier time of it.

 

What's the status of your M? Wanna continue or eject or?? Since this wasn't a fling, rather a pretty long EA/PA, sounds like a serious distraction from the M. No doubt, if present, your spouse noted changes. Where do you want to go from here? Separate? Divorce? Recover? Etc. The process will be a bit different depending on goal. The easiest IME were the exit affairs. Hardest were the undisclosed remaining. Depends on the people though. First timers usually have it hardest.

 

If you have a good marital foundation and are willing to lay it all out, presuming you want to sail into the sunset with the man you're married to, IMO you should be able to work it out. May take years to settle things but hanging in is a choice. Not for everyone. Longest post-A reconciliation in my social circle is pushing 20 years now. Husband was disclosed. Had a revenge A. Much rancor. They're doing better now though, they say.

 

Lastly, consider help, either for yourself or the marriage or both. A's are a symptom. Figure out what's going on, then work on it. Good luck!

[ABernie]

Oh, I'm right there with you. The pain is incredible. The sadness is overwhelming. I just saw my IC last night and she is advising me to go on temporary antidepressants to try to get to the acceptance phase.

 

She compared NC to him being in a foreign jail. (My A did not end finitely. AP told W to end the marriage and everything backfired). He may never get out or a diplomat may be able to pull strings. But since I don't have a crystal ball, I need to realize that it may be the former and move towards acceptance.

 

I miss the friendship more than anything.

[Maybelle]

My marriage is bad. It is very bad. My husband is controlling and possessive and sometimes verbally abusive. We have children. He is a good father to him. That is why I have stayed with him. I am scared to leave my marriage because I don't want to hurt my children and financially there are huge issues. I feel trapped. My affair partner was the light in my world when it feels so very dark. Now I don't have that.

[ABernie]

My marriage is bad. It is very bad. My husband is controlling and possessive and sometimes verbally abusive. We have children. He is a good father to him. That is why I have stayed with him. I am scared to leave my marriage because I don't want to hurt my children and financially there are huge issues. I feel trapped. My affair partner was the light in my world when it feels so very dark. Now I don't have that.

 

 

My STBX is an excellent father, but I came to the realization that he will be a good father if we are divorced, just like I will continue to be a good mother.

 

I'm glad to not have financial issues now, but STBX and I have certainly had to dig ourselves out of holes in the past. You can do it, with him or without him. Don't let that make you stay with him.

 

The last sentence kills me, because that is exactly how I feel. AP and I only brought joy (I know it was fantasy) to each other. I looked forward to seeing the notification that he had left a message. If I didn't have kids, I would turn off my phone to not be reminded.

[Maybelle]

I know my AP broke away from me because the W found out and he loves his children and the very comfortable life they have together. She told their children and his parents about us. I understand, I really do. I just really am so sad and can't discuss this with anyone.

[treehugger12]

I just really am so sad and can't discuss this with anyone.

 

 

 

I too understand your pain, I was in a similar situation. We are here for you to talk to, LS helped me tremendously, I only wish I would have found them before getting into the deep fog I entered into, but LS helped me get out. It took me a year to get over MM, I work with MM every once in a while, still was hard seeing him once a week for a short time. I for the most part am over it, I know how deep your pain is, which is why I still come here to visit, in hope that I can help support someone that is hurting like you. It will get better, NC is the only way, I know you can do it, stay strong and keep holding your head up. Keep posting here. We are here for you.

 

 

Big hugs to you:)

Edited October 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Maybelle]

I thought I was in a much better place but I find myself teary eyed today. I really look forward to the day when I can get through a whole work day without wanting to cry.

[treehugger12]

I thought I was in a much better place but I find myself teary eyed today. I really look forward to the day when I can get through a whole work day without wanting to cry.

 

I feel your pain, I really do. Last year at this time, he was all I could think about, I felt like my heart was in horrible pain, all I could think was, when am I going to get over it. I’ve always had my head on straight, strong, independent, never did drugs or addicted to anything but I was addicted to him, I wanted him so bad. I became so depressed and even thought suicide a few times just to kill the pain. I never once had ever thought of that before.

 

I would come here to LS every day and mostly read everyone’s stories on cheating and infidelity and I would wonder how I got here. I never really posted my own story, I was screaming inside. I tried so hard to get my mind off of him, working out, tried to focus more on my marriage, planned a vacation, cooking, hiking anything to stay busy, it was so hard. I eventually stopped thinking of him so much, even though I would see him once a week and still do, I’m feeling way better and feeling back to myself again, to the point where I think “what was I thinking”? What happened to me?

 

It will take time, believe me, you’ll get there, I even had to go to the doctor for severe anxiety and my blood pressure was super high for the first time in my life, they almost put me on medication for high blood pressure, I told my Dr. I had some stress in my life and didn’t need it, it will be better next visit, she did give me anxiety meds though which helped a lot. This year my visit was so much better, BP back to normal and I was feeling great. You need to stay away from this man, he is not good for you. Focus on getting your life back not him.

 

You can do this.

 

Warm hugs

Edited November 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Maybelle]

I feel like we could be twins. Everything you said is exactly me. I already have serious blood pressure problems and it's exacerbated it. I already had anxiety and some depression issues. I'm now on two antidepressants and am looking to see what my insurance will pay in terms of individual counseling. Thank you so much for the support. I really need it. I am so isolated.

[treehugger12]

I feel like we could be twins. Everything you said is exactly me. I already have serious blood pressure problems and it's exacerbated it. I already had anxiety and some depression issues. I'm now on two antidepressants and am looking to see what my insurance will pay in terms of individual counseling. Thank you so much for the support. I really need it. I am so isolated.

 

I really wish I could hug you right now because I know what your going through, I fortunately had someone I could trust and confide in, I really don’t know what I would have done without her, she unfortunately was going through the same issues with her husband as I was and said she didn’t blame me at all and would have gone for it too, so she understood.

I did check with my insurance for IC but unfortunately mine did not cover it because I was so wanting to go, I needed it so badly. A lot of insurances will cover it so please look into it. Had it not been for my dear friend I would have paid out of pocket for the counseling.

 

Your in my thoughts and prayers:)

[Maybelle]

I'm having a bad day. Today I am very angry and I'm really fighting the urge to reach out and lash out at him.

[grass-hopper]

I'm having a bad day. Today I am very angry and I'm really fighting the urge to reach out and lash out at him.

 

Hugs to you.

I can’t say I know how you feel because I’m still so deep in the fog that your exact statement makes me catatonic with fear. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you are in a much better position/place than if you were still in the A. You’re on your way out. Keep going, don’t look back. Don’t reach out. You are so much stronger than you think.

[Maybelle]

Hugs to you.

I can’t say I know how you feel because I’m still so deep in the fog that your exact statement makes me catatonic with fear. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you are in a much better position/place than if you were still in the A. You’re on your way out. Keep going, don’t look back. Don’t reach out. You are so much stronger than you think.

 

I don't feel strong at all lol. I feel small and used and hurt and angry.

[pepperbird]

This advice would be true for anyone suffering grief...

 

Just get through one day at a time. If you can't do that, make it a goal to just get through the next hour or even minute. Write a long letter to him where you lash out at him if you need to, cry to him if you need to and just let him know how you feel.

 

Don't send them to him, they are for you, not him. This way, you can make your pain more tangible, something you can see in words. Even if it's a really painful exercise at first, over time, it can really make a difference. It's okay to be angry at him.

 

Also, at the end of each day, write to yourself about how you feel. Find something, even if it's just one very small thing, that you did that day you are proud of and that made you smile. At the end of each week, go back and read what you're written. Sometimes, when you are this close to a situation, it's hard to see any progress you're made. When you do this once a week, you'll see that you are moving forward, even if it's just a tiny bit. Every bit counts.

 

If the grief is just so overwhelming that you can't face it all at once, that's okay. Just deal with the little bit that you can, even if it's just a tiny portion.

 

 

Also, get involved in something non-affair related. Is there an activity or hobby you've always wanted to try but never did? Now's the time. It will get you out and around new people and show you that you can be whole without him.

[treehugger12]

I don't feel strong at all lol. I feel small and used and hurt and angry.

 

Hi Maybelle, sorry your struggling, Grasshopper is right, you need to move on,as hard as it is you need to find that inner strength to do so, I had to, I felt the same way your feeling right now, lashing out at him is not going to help, it will only make matters worse. I would read Grasshoppers threads, I’ve read all of them which helped me see that I desperately needed to fight my way out of the fog, if you read more here on LS how some people are really struggling with there affairs it will make you think twice, that you do not need this in your life. Don’t get yourself deeper, the deeper you get in that rabbit hole the worse things will be.

Be strong, you can do this, if I can, I know you can:)

Hugs

[brigit87]

I don't feel strong at all lol. I feel small and used and hurt and angry.

 

Your marriage sounds bad and it sounds like you were looking for a handsome prince to save you from it.

 

I do understand that thinking but Handsome Princes don't cheat on their wives. If you met a single guy who said "leave your husband and marry me." Maybe he'd be solid. But most guys who'll knowingly cheat with married women aren't very nice. They're "bottom feeders."

 

Solution: Get a divorce, get therapy. meet a handsome prince.

[Maybelle]

Ouch. That hurt. And I think there is a lot of truth to the statement about looking for a prince to rescue me.

[treehugger12]

^^^

Pbird and B87 - great advice, been thinking of your situation today - and brings me back to where I was a year ago, I’m in such a better place today, as you too will get there. I see my MM once in a while through work, I still have that crush on him, I will always have a “thing” for him, but I am such a stronger person today and I know he could never get in my pants again. I’ve learned so much from this experience... you will too...be strong!!!

[Maybelle]

Thanks all for the support and advice. Today is day 35. I am a lot better than I was at the beginning. The antidepressants have helped keep me from crying ALL the time. I'm not going to lie. A big part of me hopes he will contact me. But I have come to the realization it isn't going to happen. It is over. I will always have feelings for him. I have for years. But I have to somehow let it go and move on. The hurt part of me hopes he is as sad and miserable as I am. The hurt part of me feels so rejected and not good enough, that I wasn't enough to make him be with me forever.

 

Having a place to vent helps, i think.

[InvisibleLady]

I wanted to share something that I thought was worth mentioning to those on this thread in NC right now. Maybe it was meant for you.

 

 

Two days ago I had a notification from Pinterest in my email that they had 'suggested pins' for me. Clicked the link and the very FIRST thing in the list was a quote that read:

 

 

"God said: 'Because of where I'm taking you, there are people from your past coming back to you. Be careful. I've already shown you who they are.' "

 

 

I am in strict NC now for 4 months (LC for 7 months prior) so I wasn't convinced it was meant for me specifically, as I don't think my xMM will reach out (who knows?). But maybe since I recently joined LS perhaps I am the messenger and it was meant for one of you...(if you happen to believe in the influences of the universe, God or another higher power).

 

 

Having said that, forget what they said to you, forget the broken promises and look at their actions. Even if they come back to you, the minute things get tough again they will CUT.YOU.OFF!!! You've been shown who they are, stay in NC!!

 

 

Sorry for the t/j.

 

 

Welcome Maybelle, hang in there and don't contact him. You will feel worse. Take your power back, NC is the only way to do it.

[Maybelle]

I won't break no contact. I have a lot of pride. Probably too much pride actually lol. Thank you for your words of wisdom. Just being able to discuss this is a huge plus since I have no one in real life I can talk to about this.