Practicallyperfect Posted October 7, 2018 Share Posted October 7, 2018 I was involved with my married man for six years before he divorced his wife and was with me in an “out loud” relationship. We were together, off and on, for a total of ten years. Our relationship never resulted in marriage because periodically I’d discover something about him that left me reeling: he lied a lot (yes, I recognize the irony), he was addicted to pain pills, he was a closet cigarette smoker, and had big financial problems at one time. These are just the things I know about. I’m certain there’s more. He died due to sudden cardiac arrest complications four days ago. Part of me is completely broken and devastated beyond all comparison. I find it hard to breathe, let alone get out of bed. The other part of me is angry because I’ve since discovered (through sitting in the hospital waiting room for a week and a half with his family) that he lied to me about much more than I realized. The lies have left me wondering if anything about our relationship was real. It seemed real to me. He expressed his undying love every single day, he was always there for me in any capacity, he was handsome, kind, funny, generous, my rock, anchor, confidant etc. I believed his words and believed in him. Yet I wonder.... Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted October 7, 2018 Share Posted October 7, 2018 I'm very sorry for your loss and pain. Unfortunately, lies come with affairs, and those lies come from the person/people hiding the affair, and the lies are told to everyone, including the AP. There were things he lied about to his wife I'm sure he never came clean about with her, even when they divorced. He treated you the same. It's said over and over again, because it's true - if he/she lies to and cheats on his/her spouse, they will do the same to you. Remember that for future reference. Hopefully you won't need it. I hope you find comfort and peace soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 7, 2018 Share Posted October 7, 2018 you like a lot only want to see what you want to see. Unfortunately the facts tell you the full truth. Whether you want to see it or not is up to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted October 7, 2018 Share Posted October 7, 2018 I'm sorry for your loss. People are complicated, and for the most part you never truly know someone 100%. There are always secrets and surprises. Yours was lying about more than the average, yes, and it is absolutely okay to be angry with him about all the stupid secrets he kept. I expect at least some of them were for silly reasons, too - him just not wanting to face up to his own mistakes, not trusting anyone to help him through them when he could just pretend to be awesome instead. But people aren't all bad or all good. Many people lie and still love. You don't have to gloss over the bad things he did. You are allowed to be angry about his mistakes without feeling like you're betraying his memory. You don't have to gloss over the good things he did. You are allowed to enjoy the good memories you had together, to remember how he cared and the times he made you happy, without feeling like you are a bad person for loving him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted October 7, 2018 Share Posted October 7, 2018 I The lies have left me wondering if anything about our relationship was real. It seemed real to me. He expressed his undying love every single day, he was always there for me in any capacity, he was handsome, kind, funny, generous, my rock, anchor, confidant etc. I believed his words and believed in him. Yet I wonder.... As was mine. Every single day. ((Hugs)) to you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm going through a similar situation. xsMM went back to his wife this weekend. This was after years of saying to me that once he left the marital home, he would never return unless it was with me to buy his W out. Lies. Some of your R with him was truthful. Some of it was not. They lie to protect themselves and in some limited capacity, to not hurt those around them. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2018 Share Posted October 7, 2018 Sorry for your loss. Just seems like he had issues, deeper obviously that you realized. You're probably never going to find out the why's about his behavior. I hope you find forgiveness and peace, just to make your healing process easier on yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 7, 2018 Share Posted October 7, 2018 He expressed his undying love every single day, he was always there for me in any capacity, he was handsome, kind, funny, generous, my rock, anchor, confidant etc. I believed his words and believed in him. Yet I wonder.... This is the bit you need to conceentrate on as the other stuff will eat you alive. You will never now know the truth as you can no longer ask him. Who says his family told you the truth in those last days or were they simply extracting payback? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Practicallyperfect Posted October 8, 2018 Author Share Posted October 8, 2018 Thank you to all for the positive, honest replies and condolences. Your feedback has given me strength and makes me hold my head a little higher<3 Link to post Share on other sites
SouthernIslander Posted October 8, 2018 Share Posted October 8, 2018 Death sometimes has a way of bringing out the truth but you have time to process that later. Try to make getting through the grief process a priority right now and go to counseling if you aren’t already. I am extremely sorry you’re going though this. Sending you positive wishes and hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted October 8, 2018 Share Posted October 8, 2018 I send you hugs and my condolences, Practically Perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 My condolences on your loss. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Practicallyperfect Posted October 11, 2018 Author Share Posted October 11, 2018 The funeral was yesterday. It was hugely attended with all manner of gravity, pomp and showmanship imaginable. Located front and center with his children and grandchildren was his ex-wife. She was heavily praised for keeping her (ex)husband grounded and anchored during their marriage, for being a good wife and mother, which I now realize and readily agree with. I was seated several rows back with my children and siblings. Quietly sobbing and marveling at the twists and turns life hands us. Marveling at the lies and wondering how one human being had the energy to live two very separate lives. Link to post Share on other sites
SouthernIslander Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 The funeral was yesterday. It was hugely attended with all manner of gravity, pomp and showmanship imaginable. Located front and center with his children and grandchildren was his ex-wife. She was heavily praised for keeping her (ex)husband grounded and anchored during their marriage, for being a good wife and mother, which I now realize and readily agree with. I was seated several rows back with my children and siblings. Quietly sobbing and marveling at the twists and turns life hands us. Marveling at the lies and wondering how one human being had the energy to live two very separate lives. You’ve handled this well and reasonably. Not many would accept the truth/reality and that is definitely going to help you heal in the long run. Still sending warm wishes and thanks for the update. Link to post Share on other sites
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