Am I Being Selfish?

[Confused Woman]

The MM that I have been seeing has recently left his wife. He's been staying at a hotel and is planning on moving in with me in August. He wants to wait because he does not want to make it seem like he left his wife to be with another woman. He has 3 children and I understand him not wanting to inflict any unnecessary pain on them.

 

But now I feel like even though he's moved out he is still lying. First of all he has never come clean to his wife about us, and she's constantly calling him and begging him to come home. Every time she asks if there's another woman he says there isn't. When we're together his phone constantly rings all hours of the night and it’s her, asking him where he is and who he's with.

 

Today I found out that he spent the entire day with his WIFE and children. The children is one thing, but the wife too... I feel like he's sending her mixed messages and the time he spends with her and the children makes them hope that they can one day be that type of family again... And truly if he is to be with me it can't be that way anymore. I'm trying really hard to be understanding because I know that this man's children mean the world to him and he's determined to keep that connection. However I can't help but feel like he's going about it the wrong way.

 

I feel like he needs to #1 tell his wife that he's in love with another woman so she can stop hoping he'll come back to her and start dealing with reality; and #2 the "family" outings with him, his wife and the kids need to stop. How will his kids ever accept me if they're still seeing Mommy and Daddy together and hoping Daddy will stay?

 

I need to know if I'm being selfish and unrealistic about this because I really don't think I am...

[erika2610]

Originally posted by Confused Woman

The MM that I have been seeing has recently left his wife. He's been staying at a hotel and is planning on moving in with me in August. He wants to wait because he does not want to make it seem like he left his wife to be with another woman. He has 3 children and I understand him not wanting to inflict any unnecessary pain on them.

 

But now I feel like even though he's moved out he is still lying. First of all he has never come clean to his wife about us, and she's constantly calling him and begging him to come home. Every time she asks if there's another woman he says there isn't. When we're together his phone constantly rings all hours of the night and it’s her, asking him where he is and who he's with.

 

Today I found out that he spent the entire day with his WIFE and children. The children is one thing, but the wife too... I feel like he's sending her mixed messages and the time he spends with her and the children makes them hope that they can one day be that type of family again... And truly if he is to be with me it can't be that way anymore. I'm trying really hard to be understanding because I know that this man's children mean the world to him and he's determined to keep that connection. However I can't help but feel like he's going about it the wrong way.

 

I feel like he needs to #1 tell his wife that he's in love with another woman so she can stop hoping he'll come back to her and start dealing with reality; and #2 the "family" outings with him, his wife and the kids need to stop. How will his kids ever accept me if they're still seeing Mommy and Daddy together and hoping Daddy will stay?

 

I need to know if I'm being selfish and unrealistic about this because I really don't think I am...

 

Aren't you also engaged?

[Confused Woman]

No, not engaged anymore. We sat down and had a long talk and turns out he's been wanting to separate. And obviously I was unhappy or I would have never been able to fall for another man. So we ended on amicable terms. Of course with us there are no children involved, so it was a lot less messy.

[erika2610]

Originally posted by Confused Woman

The MM that I have been seeing has recently left his wife. He's been staying at a hotel and is planning on moving in with me in August. He wants to wait because he does not want to make it seem like he left his wife to be with another woman. He has 3 children and I understand him not wanting to inflict any unnecessary pain on them.

 

But now I feel like even though he's moved out he is still lying. First of all he has never come clean to his wife about us, and she's constantly calling him and begging him to come home. Every time she asks if there's another woman he says there isn't. When we're together his phone constantly rings all hours of the night and it’s her, asking him where he is and who he's with.

 

Today I found out that he spent the entire day with his WIFE and children. The children is one thing, but the wife too... I feel like he's sending her mixed messages and the time he spends with her and the children makes them hope that they can one day be that type of family again... And truly if he is to be with me it can't be that way anymore. I'm trying really hard to be understanding because I know that this man's children mean the world to him and he's determined to keep that connection. However I can't help but feel like he's going about it the wrong way.

 

I feel like he needs to #1 tell his wife that he's in love with another woman so she can stop hoping he'll come back to her and start dealing with reality; and #2 the "family" outings with him, his wife and the kids need to stop. How will his kids ever accept me if they're still seeing Mommy and Daddy together and hoping Daddy will stay?

 

I need to know if I'm being selfish and unrealistic about this because I really don't think I am...

 

Now I'm not trying to rain on your parade here, but I think it's a bit unrealistic and selfish. Now, I'm an Ex-OW, so I understand where you're coming from. But the fact of the matter is, he still has the family. So I don't think you should just expect him to stop hanging around them. And how old're the kids? They may have trouble accepting you anyways. To them, you may be the reason mommy and daddy aren't together anymore. And as far as him telling his wife.. IF he does get the divorce, they'll be much harder on him if they know he was cheating. And I wouldn't get my hopes up too high. I believe that when MM or MW leave there spouses for OP, most of the time they go back. Just be careful. And how long have you been with him?

[newbby]

of course it is ok for him to have outings with his wife and children, they are obviously trying to keep some kind of normality for the sake of the children and that is absolutely fine. his wife probably does harbour hopes of them getting back together, he may also be confused and i can understand you feeling vunerable but the best thing you can do is let him do things the way that he feels best after all it is his family and he should have the space to do that. if he is lying to you it may be that he is already feeling pressure from you, you are best just not questioning him on these things, but also be prepared for him to have some confusion about his feelings for his wife too. it is only recent. just wait until august comes before you even ask him, and only then if it looks as though things are not moving on.

you will have to be very strong here.

[Marie1973]

Hi

 

I think u he is doing the right thing by not telling his wife that he left for another woman.

This is smart, he will get crushed in court if they know that this is the real reason. So what

he is doing is smart.

 

My MM, is doing the same thing IF he leaves. He is not telling the wife that he is leaving for another

woman. That would make things too complicated.

 

I think he is doing the right thing there.

 

But for the kids & him & the wife to have outtings, i don't think i would stand for that.

An outting with the kids, yes, but the wife too, NO.

[lindya]

If he tells his wife about you, then that could result in the door to the matrimonial home being slammed shut and locked forever. I would suspect that he's testing things out here, but hasn't made up his mind up 100% that he really does want to leave the family nest. It's a big step, after all - particularly when there are children involved.

 

This is a family breaking up, which is serious and traumatic stuff for all of them. I think the best thing you can do right now is stand back and allow them to handle things in their own way.

[Marie1973]

Just wondering

 

how old are the 3 kids??

[shygurl]

I feel like he needs to #1 tell his wife that he's in love with another woman so she can stop hoping he'll come back to her and start dealing with reality; and #2 the "family" outings with him, his wife and the kids need to stop. How will his kids ever accept me if they're still seeing Mommy and Daddy together and hoping Daddy will stay?

 

Look, this is the stuff you face when you make the decision to get involved with someone's husband - a husband who not only has a wife, but also 3 children.

 

It's ludicrous for you to think that outings with his children need to stop, who the heck are you? His wife was in the picture a long before you and he'll have a lifelong tie/bond to her, because of the history they share - namely, their 3 children.............and these children are precious to him and they'll be a huge part of his life forever, they should be #1 to him. You obviously think this should be all about you - it isn't, it won't be.

 

I feel amazingly sorry for his wife and children.

 

Why should they ever have to accept you? You're the "OW" - you're not their Mom nor will you ever be. You are a driving force behind the demise of their home and family.

 

How could you respect a man who puts his family into this kind of position? He's living a lie, a big dirty rotten lie - that's respectable to you?

 

What a mess.

[StillHurtin]

I don't agree that the mm is spending a lot of time w/ his W and kids. If the kids are young enough they are going to get confused. They think mommy and daddy are still together and if he is really going to D his W it's hard for the kids to understand. If he really wants to D his W he needs to spend time w/ his kids only, not his W. My H spent a lot of time w/ me and our children when he filed and it did confuse our children. They thought we were going to get back together. We did eventually but it was a few months later after our kids and I moved away.

 

I agree that he is probably not ready to D his W if he is spending so much time w/ her as a family. I think he is confused what he wants. He likes having a family w/ his W and children but yet he seems to want the fun of being w/ you. My H was confused about what he wanted, our M or the OW. We spent a lot of time together and I was stupid to allow him to come over and spend time w/ us b/c it did confuse our kids.

 

I hate to rain on your parade too, but I think you are being selfish. You want him for yourself and you don't want him spending time w/ his family. He seems confused and you are there to cloud his judgement. You need to get out of the picture and let him sort his life out w/ for himself. Having you around he can't have a clear mind to think about what he really wants.

 

You say that your mm doesn't want his family or friends to think he left his W and children for you so that is why he is spending so much time w/ them. My H thought the very same thing. He didn't want ppl to know he was having and A w/ the OW so he kept it quiet as much as he could. He would sneak off to motel rooms w/ the OW, he would make her park her car in the back of the house and not in front of the house. He would park his truck in her garage so no one would see him there. Neither one of them wanted their spouses to know they were screwing around w/ eachother. I got proof of their infedility from the OW's own H who showed me pictures of their cars parked together at the motel, in her garage, and love letters from H to the OW.

 

I was in denial of the A until that happened and then I was all for the D. I was tired of fighting for him. If he wanted the OW that was what he was going to get. I hired my own lawyer and continued w/ the D.

 

As for the mm's kids not liking you. You didn't mention how old the kids are but my kids were 10 and 9 and they knew daddy had a GF. He told them one day on their visitation that they would like to go to the OW's house b/c she had a talking parrot. They told me H had said this to them. They told me that they didn't care if she had a parrot, they didn't like her and never would. They would tell H that they didn't like her and never would. Even if H didn't come back to me my kids would of never liked the OW. They weren't stupid, they knew that their dad was seeing someone else b4 the M was over. They knew that their dad was dating the OW. They told me they hated her and would never go to her house to see her. I knew how much they didn't want this so I made sure my lawyer put in the D decree that my kids did not want to go to the OW's and I didn't want their dad to force them to go. My lawyer told me that if I wanted that then I couldn't have men over when the kids were home. I had NP w/ that. Depending on the age of the children, I don't see them liking you too much if your mm gets involved w/ you right away. To them you are trying to replace their mom. My best advice is to back off until your mm knows what he wants. Right now it doesn't seem like he is ready to give up his family and you need to give him space so he can figure what he wants.

[BoatingBabe]

I left my old MM because of this. He was separated and living on his own..but his kids were little so he would go on day trips as a family and it would kill me. I had to let him go, I felt bad for taking a father away from those 2 innocent kids...The guilt was killing him and because I loved him, I let him go. I knew we wouldn't work out in the future because he'd never forgive himself for leaving those kids. This was 2 years ago. They are back together now ...I wouldn't say happily, but I know he feels like a good father. Did he give up true love for this? I don't know. But I can live with myself knowing I walked away from potentially ruining not only "the family" but those little kids.

[Confused Woman]

The ages of his kids are 12, 6 and 2 years old. I want to make it clear that I encourage him to spend as much time with his children as he can… but not with the wife included. I strongly feel like his children will only be confused by this and think maybe Mommy and Daddy will get back together again. Pretending to be the “happy family” is false and does not speak to the reality of the situation. Birthdays and special occasions are a different story. Instead the children should get used to spending time with their parents separately. They’re just happy to spend time with their father; the main thing is that he remains a strong presence in their lives. Nobody’s trying to deprive his children of their father, but separated means different and things cannot stay the same.

 

I’m not trying to replace anyone or tell anyone how they should handle their family situation. However he’s stated to me that he loves me and wants to start a life with me, which means that my feelings have to be considered as well. Moving in together is very serious, and we’re planning to do this pretty soon. I don’t see myself sitting at home while he, his wife and the kids go to the park. I have to know he’s moving on and dedicated to starting that new life with me; playing “happy family” with the wife is not moving on.

 

He’s made it clear that he wants a divorce and has no intentions of getting back with her. He said he doesn’t love her anymore and actually was going to leave a couple of years ago (before he ever met me), but he thinks she intentionally got pregnant to keep him from leaving. If I thought there was a chance for that marriage I would take myself out of the situation for his children’s sake.

[Pocky]

Ever thought it possible that he doesn't want the wife to know about his affair because it may piss her off so much that she'll make the divorce living hell and take him for everything he has? Walking away from a marriage that just didn't work doesn't leave as bad a taste in your mouth as walking away from a marriage to someone that's been sleeping with someone else behind your back.

 

That's my first thought..

[shygurl]

Sorry but this is what you get when you get involved with someone's husband.

 

You have no right in the world to have expectations about he should be spending time with his children - that's completely and totally up to him and his wife and if you can't accept the way they do it, you need to move on and find someone who's not married - who doesn't have kids.

 

Until their divorce is final, you really shouldn't have any say here anyway - she's still his wife and there's a very good chance that he won't actually follow through with the divorce as much as you want to believe he will. Read through this forum and others like it - the vast majority of MM claim they'll divorce their wife but never ever do - instead, they lead their mistress along for months and months.

 

If he REALLY IS going to leave his wife and break up his family, he must be feeling tremendous guilt about it all - Those poor kids have known "Mom and Dad" (together) all of their lives.

 

Frankly, the fact that he continues to do family things that include his wife, that seems like pretty obvious proof that things with her aren't as bad as he's lead you to believe and that he's not going anywhere anytime soon. Even amongst couples who are divorcing (without the whole affair element in there), it's very common that the parents won't do "family things" together - so again, I think you're getting snowed here big time. He's got her - his wife, the mother of his children and you, the sidekick he has for fun, sex, excitement and to make him feel like a big stud who's got 2 women on the line. Time to wake up, I'm afraid.

[Justagirl2008]

You have no right to ask this MM to ditch his family altogether. None. Like Shygurl said this is the price you pay for getting involved in someones life that is leaving his wife, has three kids, and is going through a divorce. You're being unreasonable and unrealistic here. If you don't watch your step you could find yourself alone. He is getting rid of his wife and a marriage, that should be enough for you. However if you put a lot of demands on him at this stage in the game he is likely to see you in a very shady light and that will leave you looking like toxic waste to him. This stage of his life is hard enough he doesn't need you making it harder.

[BoatingBabe]

Confused woman...just give it time...nothing lasts forever, and 50% of marriages end up in divorce...If you're strong enough to get through the waiting...then just take a chill pill and let him work through it...Chances are he's having HUGEEEEEEEEEEE amounts of guilt with this..and it takes someone with enormous will power to put up with it (I couldn't). So if this is the man you truly love and you believe he truly loves you..then patience is what you need now.....