Tempted

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm 42 and still haven't found the right man, not sure it's going to happen for me. I just started dating about a month ago, dates are getting better, seem to be getting warmer, but for the most part I'm not that impressed with the men I'm able to attract.

 

Before this I was not dating at all for a year as I was going through a health scare and surgery, feeling depressed and forlorn. During that time, an unhappily married man contacted me online, and we emailed off and on for a year, telling each other our troubles and trying to uplift each other. A couple months ago I told him I needed to break it off, and we peacefully said our goodbyes.

 

Not long after that, another married man - this one much more assertive, available, and appealing to me for many reasons - contacted me online, and last week we started up a pretty intense flurry of texting and sharing all about ourselves, had a long, sparkling phone conversation. His marriage is stable and he has no plans to leave, but his wife has almost completely lost interest in sex, whereas his drive is still through the roof - he's 45. He says he's tried absolutely everything to reignite her, but she says the urge is just not there, and aside from an occasional bout every few months, she doesn't try anything else to keep him satisfied. This has been going on for a few years now.

 

He says the relationship is cordial but they live as roommates and are quite disconnected emotionally, given the weak sexual/romantic connection. I'm guessing they sleep in separate bedrooms, as most evenings he's texting me actively for hours.

 

I really don't understand this, as if I had a man who had handed me the world on a silver platter (doesn't have to work, kids, nice house with a pool, everything material thing one could want, devotion and fidelity for 16 years, great sex and romance, the works), I'd do everything in my power to make sure he was satisfied somehow, no matter what.

 

Having been single, not indulging in any casual sex, and given my age, I'm constantly turned on and somewhat preoccupied with sexual thoughts myself. I'm a sexual dynamo, but very selective about who I let loose with. It's been about a year now. I want it bad. We seem to have exactly the same desires and complementary sexual styles.

 

He's brilliant and we have tons in common, almost seem able to read each other's minds. He's more intelligent, accomplished, and interesting than any of the single men I've been able to attract in this round so far. I attracted men of his caliber 5-10 years ago, but it's been a while. Just texting with him is more fun and interesting than most of my online dates. He texts me through the day actively, offers feedback and advice on every silly thing going on in my life - even my dates. Sometimes a few hours go by without a text, then we'll both text almost the exact same words at the exact same minute - it's kind of unreal, and very cool. We seem to have the same strengths and the same insecurities.

 

He's invited me to meet, even for a platonic lunch or dinner, over and over, and I'm getting more tempted. He says he's never had an affair, and I believe him. He even says he's not sure he could go through with meeting, or getting physical if we did meet, and I feel that. He seems like a very dutiful and responsible guy who's very sexually pent up and frustrated.

 

He says he wants me to be his one ongoing lover until I find my man for keeps. He says his only concern is that I might not seek that other man if I get wrapped up in a torrid love affair with him. We've discussed all this openly and honestly.

 

He's offered a lot, as far as married men go. Because he has a consulting business and travels to clients around the world, he says he can spend the night, take me on trips with him, spend a lot of quality time together, be there for me if I need him pretty well. We've been texting for hours every day. When he's away for more than a short time, he apologizes and lets me know why. He says he's a giver, loves lighting me up and helping in any way he can. As much as we talk about sexual fantasies, he frequently talks about the fantasy of kissing me and feeling me melt in surrender, with him lifting all my stress and worries.

 

Just fantasizing with him is divine, has obviously given us both a big lift. We get each other, and that's powerful.

 

I'm very tempted by him, feel a powerful draw to him. I know it's not "right". We're discussing the pros and cons in great detail. I haven't quite moved from fantasy to reality yet, but I'm thisclose.

 

I know the alternative is to really get my act together, get a life again, and meet men out in the wild. I live in a city where single men outnumber single women, so odds are in my favor in that respect. That's probably what I'm going to do. But the temptation with him is very strong. I like to think I can indulge with him and keep looking for husband material. A couple of times I've been able to have a casual sexual/romantic situation, but in both cases the man told me he was falling for me. I think we're both emotionally mature enough not to do that in this case. But maybe I'm naive.

 

Thoughts?

Edited September 27, 2018 by Ruby Slippers

[Starswillshine]

Kindly and gently...

 

This man sounds like he has been here before. A man who can promise you these things knows what he can and cannot do. You ate not his first. His line about being afraid you will get too wrapped up in it is him making sure he sets the expectations right away. He has done this many times before.

 

Also, be careful judging his wife. You have no idea what you would or would not do if in her position. Plus, be sure there is a 90% chance he gets it on with his wife all the time. But just in case he isnt, this is a man out specifically seeking out another woman. He didn't just happen to meet you at work or through friends and over time you developed feelings, nor were you drunk in a bar, he is online specifically hunting for a side piece. Think about a man who does this... think about how he is treating his wife. Probably not a man putting a lot into his marriage. Providing funds to a family does not equal romance, etc. But mostly, he is probably lying.

 

Dont go down this path. It is one that will forever change you. And you corrupt your character. And you ruin an entire family.

[Orokotikki]

Must be pretty hard for his wife to try to work on their marriage when he is looking outside it...

[Ruby Slippers]

Dont go down this path.

Awesome post and great points, thank you!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have seen firsthand how wives take it all for granted and only wake up when their H is about to divorce them. They gain large amounts of weight, stop dressing up, stop having sex and Hs have to practically beg them for it. It's like a kick in the face to us single ladies.

 

 

 

I have also found that all the men I have been attracted to in last few years were married. At our age, finding a quality single man is next to impossible. I forced myself to stay away and none were that assertive. So given my situation, I would go for a fling with a married man I was really into over a low quality single man. I can't believe that I am even saying this - 5 or 10 years ago, I wouldn't have even thought of it.

 

 

The only risk is you getting really hurt. For me, getting hurt would be refreshing since it's been many years since I really felt something. So if you can handle that...

[Starswillshine]

I have seen firsthand how wives take it all for granted and only wake up when their H is about to divorce them. They gain large amounts of weight, stop dressing up, stop having sex and Hs have to practically beg them for it. It's like a kick in the face to us single ladies.

 

 

 

I have also found that all the men I have been attracted to in last few years were married. At our age, finding a quality single man is next to impossible. I forced myself to stay away and none were that assertive. So given my situation, I would go for a fling with a married man I was really into over a low quality single man. I can't believe that I am even saying this - 5 or 10 years ago, I wouldn't have even thought of it.

 

 

The only risk is you getting really hurt. For me, getting hurt would be refreshing since it's been many years since I really felt something. So if you can handle that...

 

But you aren't also seeing the other side of it. How has he taken her for granted? What effort is he putting in? Etc. Etc.

 

I was in the situation where I always dressed nicely, my house was always cleaned, I work out/exercise, size 0... right at 100 lbs. I wear makeup, fix my hair, daily. I doted on my husband. We had sex daily (when he was in town). But at one point it became clear it was only me putting in the effort. I was the only one trying to make time for us. To make special plans for us. To make us a priority. He didnt seem to care. So i stopped all the afford. Because if he didnt care about it, why add yet another thing on my plate when I already have a million. But truth was, he was just putting that effort into a bunch of different other places. His wife was hooked, I was a SAHM with 4 kids. I wouldnt leave. He already "had" me. So he played that card, too.

 

He lied to his OWs. Surprise, surprise. Never be quick to judge another woman when you have ZERO idea of what TRULY goes on in the home.

[Ruby Slippers]

Eternal Sunshine, you so get me!

 

I have seen firsthand how wives take it all for granted and only wake up when their H is about to divorce them. They gain large amounts of weight, stop dressing up, stop having sex and Hs have to practically beg them for it. It's like a kick in the face to us single ladies.

To his credit, he has not said anything disparaging about her. He's reported his experience in a factual way. He said for 3 years now, he's taken her on spontaneous romantic dates, flowers, gifts, romantic getaways, compliments, romance, everything he can possibly think of. He's SOOO attentive to me, completely blows out of the water any man I've ever talked to except one. His story sounds very credible to me.

 

I kinda feel like men who stay in sexless marriages are chumps. Yeah, you can argue they should leave, but for some men, disrupting their family like that is just not gonna fly. Should he just sit there like a neutered pet when he's in his prime? If she were taking care of him, he wouldn't be looking elsewhere.

 

I have also found that all the men I have been attracted to in last few years were married. At our age, finding a quality single man is next to impossible. I forced myself to stay away and none were that assertive. So given my situation, I would go for a fling with a married man I was really into over a low quality single man. I can't believe that I am even saying this - 5 or 10 years ago, I wouldn't have even thought of it.

Same. I NEVER EVER would have considered this even 2 years ago. Now I feel like I could have a better relationship with him than anyone single guy I might meet, especially on dating sites. I'm going to try getting out and getting a life again, but I have a feeling it will be more of the same.

 

The only risk is you getting really hurt. For me, getting hurt would be refreshing since it's been many years since I really felt something. So if you can handle that...

Yeah, I totally feel you on this, too. I'm aware of the risk, but I'm not that worried about it. It can't be worse that dealing with all the disappointing slouches I've been dating lately, trying to overlook their many flaws just to have something romantic going on.

 

Also, even the couple of times I've told him no, never gonna happen, he says he'll just be virtual friends forever if that's what I want. Maybe it's a line, but feels genuine. He gives me the male perspective on BS lines from potential dates, it's kinda hilarious. The insight into the male mind is invaluable.

[Starswillshine]

"If she were taking care of him, he wouldn't be looking elsewhere. "

 

This is a completely false narrative.

[Vivir]

Ruby Slippers, what is it that you really want? I mean really really want?

 

You share things "in common" with this man... well, what are his values? What are your values? He is showing that he deals with marital issues by bringing another woman into the mix without disclosing that to his wife. He won't leave her; he'll just make an addition to her... well, how does that enrich your life? After a few orgasms, what will you want from him and your relationship with him moving forward?

 

I am not trying to be mean; I think you should really think about what is likely to come next or what might be coming down this particular road.

 

If you are looking for an emotionally available man who can be yours one day and you can be his, I don't think this man fits that bill.

 

But if you're looking to be a long-term other woman to a married man who could possibly wine you and dine you BUT is definitely not leaving his wife and life, then he does seem to fit that bill.

 

Your post is littered with fantasy speak. Don't lie to yourself. It is very difficult to take this kind of detour and "stay on the market"- especially if you are a one-man kind of woman... or if deep down you really really want to be in a monogamous relationship.

 

I agree with starswillshine. This man is setting the expectations; he knows that one day he may have to say to you, "You knew I was married" or "You knew I wasn't ever leaving" or "I told you [insert saying that he uses to absolve himself of guilt and responsbility]"...

 

So, you have to determine what you really really want. Because involving yourself with a married man will take you off of the market. You will be inviting further delay in your life. You will become invested in him (while he is invested elsewhere), and you are likely going to miss your opportunity with a like-minded single man who is available if he happens to come along later. If you miss the opportunity, it will likely be because you have fallen in love with the married man and you won't be able to focus on any other man at all...

 

I know, believe me, I know.

 

It sucks to be lonely. I was lonely and I am still am. I thought I could borrow the man I became involved with three years ago. Then, I started feeling so much and wanting so much more... not only could he not give it, he would not give it. I also met a single available man and stupidly let him slip through my fingers. Don't be like me.

 

P.S. You live in an area where there are more single men than single women. Don't meet men on the Internet, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, girl! Get out there!

 

P.S.S. All of those things he mentioned doing to spark interest in his wife will cut you like a knife if you fall for him. He is likely not going to change his behavior at home so that his wife will not become suspicious. He has A LOT to lose here. He is likely pursuing you because he wants his relationship with her to be better (and if if it gets better, expect to be dumped or used with diminishing effort on his part). Or he is just greedy... neither of which is good FOR YOU.

Edited September 27, 2018 by Vivir

[Ruby Slippers]

It sucks to be lonely. I was lonely and I am still am. I thought I could borrow the man I became involved with three years ago. Then, I started feeling so much and wanting so much more... not only could he not give it, he would not give it. I also met a single available man and stupidly let him slip through my fingers. Don't be like me.

Awesome points as well.

 

I guess I'm hoping I can just have fun and connection with him, get myself all feisty and lit up, become more magnetic because my light is on and I'm all sexy, sensual, and more attractive - he's already doing that to me just through texting and one phone call! I'm becoming more magnetic, anyway, and he's throwing fuel on the fire.

 

I've had two casual situations in the past, and I had tons of fun with them, loved the hot sex, but I was extremely stoic about maintaining boundaries.

 

Yes, I'm a dreamer, love to fantasize. My fantasies are so much better than reality, and I'm kinda cool with that. Even my work is all about creative ideation, and fantasizing only makes it better! I'm being recruited for better jobs now, too! My light is on, getting brighter.

 

I don't know, I just want him so bad. I feel like we would fulfill this deep, primal need for each other. I can resist if I must, but I want him BAD!

[bathtub-row]

It doesn’t matter how great he is, how horrible his marriage is, how right the two of you seem — getting involved with a MM is a highway to hell. It will rip you up so bad, it’ll make all the other failures in your life look like child’s play. Unless you enjoy extreme heartache, don’t go down this path.

[carhill]

He says he wants me to be his one ongoing lover until I find my man for keeps. He says his only concern is that I might not seek that other man if I get wrapped up in a torrid love affair with him.

 

Pro.......

[Vivir]

I want you to know that I do understand where you are coming from, Ruby. There is passion and it is hot and heavy. Once it starts, there is no end in sight. For the longest time, I could only see him and I have *never* lusted after a man so much in all my life. I even hate to call it lust, because somehow it cheapens the whole thing... The problem is that there is a sweet spot... it feels this way for a while... and then things change. Well, they changed for me.

 

The change was NOT good.

 

And if you are anything at all like many of us xOW (and some current OW), expect that HIS light will continue to shine brighter and brighter while yours becomes dimmer... like he is draining you. He may not even drain you on purpose, but... the situation itself will drain you down and you might become a shell of your former self (the woman you are today, that is).

 

In my experience, I gave and he took. And he would've kept taking for as long as I had let him and he never would've given back what I gave or did much of anything to brighten my life. You see, he had obligations elsewhere. He had to take care of home... And I was left diminished and broken and I have been picking up those tiny pieces ever since.

 

Save your sanity! Trust me. You are already in a ton of trouble. You think you can maintain those boundaries, but if you start sleeping with this man, you'll bite off more than you can chew.

Edited September 27, 2018 by Vivir

[Ruby Slippers]

Ruby Slippers, what is it that you really want? I mean really really want?

I want true love (or as close as I can get), marriage, and babies (if I still can).

 

I've come close to this twice, but in both cases there was a deal-breaker. If I met either of those guys today, I might "settle". But at the time I chose not to.

[bathtub-row]

Keep in mind that if you go down this path with a MM, you’ll end up having to explain that to the next single guy you’re with. It may cause him to lose respect for you or think that you don’t respect marriage. Not everyone will think like that but you need to think about the far-reaching consequences of this decision.

 

The MM is looking for sex and perhaps a connection with someone new. He’s not concerned about how it will waste your years or screw up your life.

[Starswillshine]

Also think of additional consequences. Many times these affairs come out. What if BS is crazy? What if she wants revenge? Your career? Family? Friends? How will this tarnish your reputation.

 

Also... think about, you are complacent in hurting other people. Another woman. And children. My 7 year old has to go weekly counseling after discussions of suicide. I was suicidal. I'm in counseling. This destroyed my spirit. I wasnt present in my children's lives for 2 years because I was a mess. I know you think its weak. What about the OW? She and my WH has been "broken up" for over 2 years. She hasn't seen him in over 2 years. She is still harassing him and cannot move on.

 

Affairs destroy many people. Especially the OW. You think you can control it, I bet there are many people here that thought the same.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm glad I started this thread! I went from "he's so dreamy" to "I'm not the easy sex you're looking for, move on". Not saying that's my final decision. I must admit the idea of letting him "conquer" me is somewhat fun. On the other hand, it's fun to consider never giving in. As a dreamer I always try on many ideas until I find just the right one. The perspective is helpful, for sure!

[Starswillshine]

I'm glad I started this thread! I went from "he's so dreamy" to "I'm not the easy sex you're looking for, move on". Not saying that's my final decision. As a dreamer I always try on many ideas until I find just the right one. But the perspective is helpful, for sure!

 

I think it is so easy to get caught up in the moment. There's no judgement here on that. But sometimes you have to look more bigger picture. With cheaters (and he is a cheater), you can NEVER trust words, only actions. And you ONLY have words.

 

It is just such a painful situation. We have read it time and time before. I came here to try to understand the viewpoint of the OW. And it made me feel sad and compassion for her, too. So when people come on here considering it, we see the trainwreck ahead, and we beg and plead to stop it. Because we have all been there before... from all sides, and we have seen the devastation.

[carhill]

OP, can't speak to this guy but socially powerful and desired men can always have a number of new potentials lined up before they exit their existing M. It goes with the territory. They're rarely on the market at all as a single man. Some will have affairs, some won't, but they'll vett new partners prior to leaving, little different from typical MW's. Long married men of this type will usually remarry or LTR quickly. They like having the wife/partner at their side.

 

At your age with your goals a MM is unlikely to be a good prospect unless an exit affair/pre-vetting opportunity. This guy, based on what you wrote about him, is slick and unlikely to ever be an exclusive partner. If your goals were different, he could be good for some fun especially if he's wealthy and successful. As is, nah, pass.

[Ruby Slippers]

At your age with your goals a MM is unlikely to be a good prospect unless an exit affair/pre-vetting opportunity. This guy, based on what you wrote about him, is slick and unlikely to ever be an exclusive partner. If your goals were different, he could be good for some fun especially if he's wealthy and successful. As is, nah, pass.

He's been totally upfront in saying the chances of him ever exiting the marriage are "slim to none". I get the impression from things he's said that he comes from a very traditional family background and that would be looked down upon. He says he's looking for one long-term lover.

 

It's tempting because I've told him I would keep seeking husband material and he says he supports that. I think I could do that, cut him off as soon as I found someone I could settle down with. We've discussed this and he seems supportive, but who knows? Yeah, he seems pretty awesome, but I think I'm every bit as awesome - just way more free-spirited and less stable with a wild streak.

 

He's been totally non-possessive and given what's seems to be solid advice about dating prospects. He's pointed out flaws in the game of many that I would have totally overlooked myself. He's supportive when things are going well and the guy isn't a slouch, encourages me to keep the bar high and not take any crap. When I call him on his own "crap", he agrees I'm right.

 

In trying to get me, he keeps upping the ante on date ideas. I think it might be fun just to see how long I could hold out, how exotic and fun he might get with what he's offering. There's nothing that says I ever have to give in. I could just enjoy the "courtship"

[bathtub-row]

What you say you’ll do and what ends up happening are two different things. And this guy knows that. Men aren’t nearly as stupid as they seem, especially when it comes to conning women and getting sex. And women continually underestimate what lengths men will go to to get sex. You’re going to get emotionally involved with this guy, get complacent about finding someone else, and when you turn around, you’ll find that 10 or 15 years have zipped by and your MM has moved on to a new chickie.

 

This will be a reckless, self-destructive move on your part if you proceed. Just read the volumes of posts on this site from women involved with MM. If there’s a happy ending to be had here, he would leave his marriage - plain and simple.

[Ruby Slippers]

I know you're right. Why is it SO tempting?!! I'm very sexual in general - though outwardly demure, few partners, downright conservative compared to friends & peers.

 

I can't remember the last time I was THIS turned on! It's been a while.

 

Forbidden fruit, I guess!

[Ruby Slippers]

I do have a first date this weekend, and it's a good one - drinks at a spot I love then a cool, edgy musical. Points for imagination! He's smart as a whip and seems awesome, creative-techie hybrid like me. Should be a great time!

[Mizz Layta]

No, please don't get tangled up in this mess...We speak from experience because we have been there. Nothing good can come of it. Are you telling me you can't find any single men at all? Keep looking

[Woggle]

Don't go down this road. Read most threads on this forum to see where this usually leads.