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Crazy situation - MW had affair with friend


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I originally wasn't sure where to post, but decided here because of my situation.

 

I am a MW who made love to a neighbor. We were drinking one evening, and it just happened. Well after that, my husband found out. He was being distant and really angry.

 

Well the following week, she came over and so I suggested that maybe she could sleep with him. Believe it or not, she wanted to, so we all did this together. She is newly separated, and so I can imagine is feeling a little wild.

 

Well, from that point on, we have had, well sex, with a man that she is seeing. He is living with someone, so I actually felt guilty because of that. The last thing I want is someone knocking on my door.

 

Anyhow, this situation has become a bit crazy. It sounds like we live in a terrible place, but we are all mature middle-aged adults.

 

My therapist said I really need to watch this situation closely, because it can sour very quickly. I am thinking it may as well. My husband is a very good looking middle aged man with a great job. To put it bluntly, he is a catch. I am not jealous of her per se, I feel I am my husband's type and that he loves me. But my therapist is telling to watch it. I am not so confident to think that nothing could happen between only them.

 

My husband and I have alot of history together, and a family. But, I feel like our level of intimacy has decreased.

 

I feel like I just need to put the breaks on this situation, but I don't want to be mean ogre who does, when in all actuality, I started the situation.

 

My friend is an attractive woman who I don't want to feel used by us. But the fact of the matter is, she can get another man in a heartbeat. I do get the feeling she is really is liking thing we have going here.

 

I don't know what I am asking, any advise would be appreciated.

Edited by SnowBaby
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I think I kind of get it. It seems like her therapist has been stoking her insecurity a little and she's now concerned that after opening this pandora's box, closing it will not be such an easy thing.

 

OP, the person to have this conversation with is your husband. If you're feeling insecure, let him know. If you don't want him meeting your neighbor alone, let him know. Set your boundaries for what you are comfortable with, and lay them out to your husband. It is then on him whether he can live with them or not. Best of luck to you.

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SouthernIslander

Just want to make sure I am following this correctly before giving advice...

 

You had an affair with a neighbor and your husband found out. The neighbor (who is a she) ended up coming over and the 3 of you guys are now sleeping together.

 

Am I correct? If not, who is the neighbor?

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Hmm. Okay, so you had sex with a neighbor, and then both of you had sex with your husband, and then the three of you had a foursome with another married man the neighbor is seeing, but I assume that the other man's wife is not in the know.

 

Okay, this is messy. It can only get messier if the other married man remains in the picture while the three of you are also fooling around. It's one thing for you, your husband, and the neighbor to consent to having some fun. Despite the way it started, you seem to be on the same page. However, you are becoming insecure about hubby having options, but at least in this situation the neighbor probably isn't going to pursue him - or the other married man. She's using you all for her own fun.

 

Personally, my only issue here (now that you've apparently worked out the thing with the neighbor with your husband), is the cheating with the other married man. I'd suggest that if he isn't cut out of the picture by the neighbor, that you end things with the neighbor, and by extension, this other guy as well.

 

If you want to continue this, then join a swinger site, or ask the neighbor to find a swinging partner on such a site, but one where no one is being cheated on.

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SouthernIslander
Hmm. Okay, so you had sex with a neighbor, and then both of you had sex with your husband, and then the three of you had a foursome with another married man the neighbor is seeing, but I assume that the other man's wife is not in the know.

 

Okay, this is messy. It can only get messier if the other married man remains in the picture while the three of you are also fooling around. It's one thing for you, your husband, and the neighbor to consent to having some fun. Despite the way it started, you seem to be on the same page. However, you are becoming insecure about hubby having options, but at least in this situation the neighbor probably isn't going to pursue him - or the other married man. She's using you all for her own fun.

 

Personally, my only issue here (now that you've apparently worked out the thing with the neighbor with your husband), is the cheating with the other married man. I'd suggest that if he isn't cut out of the picture by the neighbor, that you end things with the neighbor, and by extension, this other guy as well.

 

If you want to continue this, then join a swinger site, or ask the neighbor to find a swinging partner on such a site, but one where no one is being cheated on.

 

Okay..I think I got it now.

 

OP - I agree with this. Everyone and thier partners/spouses should be okay with this. So you guys should make decisions based on no one getting cheated on.

 

And the insecurity is pretty common in this situation since there is a thin line between sex and feelings. But that is a concern that you should talk with your husband about and decide if this arrangement is best for your marriage (and it very well may be).

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

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My friend is an attractive woman who I don't want to feel used by us.

 

You are very concerned with the feelings of this woman who is nothing more than a neighbor who you are having various sexual encounters with.

 

I'm not following why you're so concerned about her, whereas you went and cheated on your husband, in clear complete disregard for his feelings and the marital vows you exchanged.

 

Seems rather contradictory. Especially when you wrote "For myself, I have set boundaries, set with the help of a counselor. I have instituted a zero tolerance policy. He can't have any opposite sex friends. I have all of his passwords and complete access to his phone. If I see anything that I would consider cheating, such as a weird text, I told him that it is over, and he would be receiving divorce papers via courier." https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/604003-sometimes-actually-works-out#post7138575

 

 

So you will divorce him if there's any sign of cheating but it's ok for you to sleep with another person after you've "had a few"? I'm not judging. Just observing the hypocrisy.

Edited by Normm
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op,

it sounds to me like you are feeling really insecure. there is a reason for that. It's your gut telling you that something is off.

 

I donn't understand all the dynamics of your situation, but if you are having any misgivings, I expect it would be best to sit down with your husband and your ow o make sure you are all on the same page. Lay out the parameters of the relationship, and raise your voice about what you can and can't accept. I would also highly recommend that the bh in this situation ( the guy who isn't aware of what's going on) be told. That way, everyone will be honest and it can spare a lot of heartache down the road.

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OP,

 

To each their own...and for some people swinging and threesomes bring them closer to their partners and spice up life....

 

That said,

I agree with your therapist that you need to watch it, not because he may find her more attractive and see her alone (a possibility but not super likely, as you have had consensual threesomes), but unless you are in a very secure place with your DH, it could go bad, with insecurities or the chance of emotions getting involved....Which is the dangerous part.

 

DH and I played with other people before, but last year, we played with a guy...and I fell for the guy. Still loved DH, but I started getting feelings for the other guy, then he found someone, I became the OW for a bit then he ghosted me. I am still crushed by it and think about him everyday. And this was an open thing with me and DH and we discussed our boundaries and things and it still happened. So you need to be careful those things don't happen.

 

If you still feel you can handle swinging, and are secure, honest and open with your DH, then proceed with caution. Good Luck!

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OK, so is this a regular thing to do with you and your husband or were you Mr and Mrs Monogamy and suddenly you cheated with the neighbour and have made amends by offering her to your husband in the form of threesomes/?foursomes...

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were you Mr and Mrs Monogamy and suddenly you cheated with the neighbour

 

You might want to read some of the OP’s backstory, such as:

 

I had a PA with my exhusband a long while ago

 

My husband had an emotional affair

 

I was the unknowing “other woman” to my now husband

 

I was sexually comparable with my first husband, as we were both kinky and sexual explorers

 

“Mr and Mrs Monogamy” isn’t really what springs to mind.

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My thoughts exactly, Elaine. I also had the thought that the neighbor was offered up to the husband as a way of saying, "See it's all good. We can both have her. Don't look too hard at what I did."

 

Seems like the consequences are being considered after the deeds have been done. Better late than never...

 

I'm single, so I take issue with becoming a pawn of this sort to a married person, or worse - a married couple.... it also seems ridiculous to me to invite this kind of drama into what should (and could) be a safe place (i.e., a marriage) for two people who love each other.

 

My advice is to close your marriage. I am actually prudish, but I give that advice mostly because neither you nor your husband can control a third or fourth person involved in the most intimate parts of your marriage... You can't control outcomes and things can get crazy and/or dangerous... and it will be because you have invited it in! I guess I just don't understand it... and then those links provided by Prudence to your former threads, SnowBunny... is this the way you want things to be? Always (crazy) drama between you and your husband?

Edited by Vivir
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