kzamess Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 I have a problem and don't know how to deal with it. I met a guy online in Yahoo Personals. He was listed as divorced. I'm divorced. We met and he told me he actually was separated from his wife in Dallas, Texas for 5 years. They never got along, fought all the time so he left her. Never has filed for a divorce. She lives in a house that is in his name. He lives with me now and keeps saying he will get a divorce but I haven't seen any sign of it. When I bring it up he says that it will cost a lot of money and he doesn't seem to be in any big hurry. He has phone contact with her occasionally on problems with the house or whatever. He says they are friends but they could never live together in the same house. I'm 46 years of age and I'm wanting a life. He keeps saying that he will divorce one day but seems to procrastinate. I know that he loves me.. and I love him, but I can't keep waiting. We haven't lived together very long. I'm wondering if he is waiting to see if he and I work out... or maybe waiting to see if she will make the first move. I mean... 5 years is a long time to be separated and not see the other spouse. He acts like he is literally afraid of her and doesn't want the confrontation. She was very abusive to him and he is a very passive kind of guy. If you have any answers for me, please let me know. This is very frustrating and I don't want to lose him. Thank you so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Justagirl2008 Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 If she was abusive to him and he is passive then yeah he might be taking a backseat to it and seeing what she does first. He is right though, divorces do cost a lot of money, however having said that a friend of mine drew up her own divorce papers and did it herself and it didn't cost her much at all and there was even a child involved. So there are ways to do this. I would suggest to you that you don't pressure him but trying talking to him about it and telling him how it makes you feel and that you're just a little frustrated as to why he hasn't gotten his divorce yet. There are plenty of low cost places to do it. Like legal aid. I live in Dallas and I know that they don't charge much at all. Link to post Share on other sites
agnf666 Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 My parents have been separated for 12 years. They have not gotten a Divorce yet. So, If you don't tell him how much it means to you that you want to start your life and stuff like that then they may never get a divorce. The money he will spend on the divorce will help him in the long run. If he really loves and cares about you he will really consisder getting the divorce. I don't understand why people get separated and not get a divorce. I can see people doing that if they plan on getting back together but being separated for 5 years. Maybe it's the money issue that has him not wanted to get the divorce. If he has never filed for it yet he has no idea how much it will cost. Maybe his ex wife can pay some of it. He just needs to step up and do something. If he doesn't soon then you might want to really ask him "Do you still lover her?" that's the only reason I can see that he would still not be legally divorced from her. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted July 9, 2005 Share Posted July 9, 2005 It's unfortunate that he doesn't care enough about your wishes to get a divorce. I guess from his point of view, there isn't a problem. If he were truly devoted to you, he would get the divorce. If you're sure you have communicated clearly about your desire for him to divorce, and he has repeatedly failed to even FILE for the divorce...well, let's just say, he's guaranteed to be married for at least another year, and probably another few decades. I know a separated couple that went 30 YEARS without divorcing. Then they died of old age. I suggest you ask yourself whether you'd rather live with him, given his empty promises, or without him, so you have a chance of finding a new man who truly DOES want to take care of you emotionally. Those are your two choices. You cannot force him to get divorced. You can only choose your OWN behavior, he chooses his. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kzamess Posted July 9, 2005 Author Share Posted July 9, 2005 Originally posted by SoleMate It's unfortunate that he doesn't care enough about your wishes to get a divorce. I guess from his point of view, there isn't a problem. If he were truly devoted to you, he would get the divorce. If you're sure you have communicated clearly about your desire for him to divorce, and he has repeatedly failed to even FILE for the divorce...well, let's just say, he's guaranteed to be married for at least another year, and probably another few decades. I know a separated couple that went 30 YEARS without divorcing. Then they died of old age. I suggest you ask yourself whether you'd rather live with him, given his empty promises, or without him, so you have a chance of finding a new man who truly DOES want to take care of you emotionally. Those are your two choices. You cannot force him to get divorced. You can only choose your OWN behavior, he chooses his. Sorry. I think you've given me the most reasonable and logical answer. I totally agree with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kzamess Posted July 9, 2005 Author Share Posted July 9, 2005 Originally posted by Justagirl2008 If she was abusive to him and he is passive then yeah he might be taking a backseat to it and seeing what she does first. He is right though, divorces do cost a lot of money, however having said that a friend of mine drew up her own divorce papers and did it herself and it didn't cost her much at all and there was even a child involved. So there are ways to do this. I would suggest to you that you don't pressure him but trying talking to him about it and telling him how it makes you feel and that you're just a little frustrated as to why he hasn't gotten his divorce yet. There are plenty of low cost places to do it. Like legal aid. I live in Dallas and I know that they don't charge much at all. Thank you for you response. This is the answer that I wanted to hear. I admit I need to give him more time. We have only known each other a short while and things are moving way too fast, mainly because I let them. We have only lived together for 3 months. But he has big plans for us like we were married already. I don't think I'm going to let things go any further until he empties his past. And may I add, that there are no children involved. He has none, and she couldn't have any. I have 4 of my own. Most of which are grown and gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kzamess Posted July 9, 2005 Author Share Posted July 9, 2005 Originally posted by agnf666 My parents have been separated for 12 years. They have not gotten a Divorce yet. So, If you don't tell him how much it means to you that you want to start your life and stuff like that then they may never get a divorce. The money he will spend on the divorce will help him in the long run. If he really loves and cares about you he will really consisder getting the divorce. I don't understand why people get separated and not get a divorce. I can see people doing that if they plan on getting back together but being separated for 5 years. Maybe it's the money issue that has him not wanted to get the divorce. If he has never filed for it yet he has no idea how much it will cost. Maybe his ex wife can pay some of it. He just needs to step up and do something. If he doesn't soon then you might want to really ask him "Do you still lover her?" that's the only reason I can see that he would still not be legally divorced from her. Might I also add that there are no children envolved. They have none in between them. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 9, 2005 Share Posted July 9, 2005 Men get screwed in divorce court so that may be the reason he does not want to go through with it. Tell him to do a search on men's rights attorneys so he can come out of his divorce unscathed. I know I came out of mine unscathed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kzamess Posted July 9, 2005 Author Share Posted July 9, 2005 Originally posted by Woggle Men get screwed in divorce court so that may be the reason he does not want to go through with it. Tell him to do a search on men's rights attorneys so he can come out of his divorce unscathed. I know I came out of mine unscathed. Ok.. Thanks for that advice Woggle... appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
agnf666 Posted July 9, 2005 Share Posted July 9, 2005 Originally posted by kzamess Might I also add that there are no children envolved. They have none in between them. ] In your cause he is holding on for some unknown reason that he just want tell you about. Link to post Share on other sites
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