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Thai Man Blues **The Aftermath**


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floatinglotus

I rang the W on Monday night and told her. When she answered the phone she seemed very worried when I asked in English, "Is this Bozo's home?". She sounded scared and said "Yes, who is this?". I was silent for a second and then said, "Is Bozo home?". She told me he was at work (which I knew as I had just hung up on him) and then she sounded more scared and kept asking, "Who is this? Who's speaking?". I was silent for about 5-10 seconds and then I calmy said, "Please ask Bozo who he was with in (city name) in January.". I then hung up.

 

Knowing he'd be home in an hour, I proceed to write a fax addressed to him stating everything he had said and done. I then printed our photos (very sweet romantic ones we had together). I put in the fax what he'd said about his wife and how he'd been in love with another girl who kept rejecting him when he got married. I wrote how he had said that he loved my mother and wanted to take care of us both and how our first kiss was where his wife's brother works! Not to mention that the affair started in front of Thai businessmen who all know his wife personally and knew of the affair too. How his wife was a bore and only cared about work & that the angels and God had brought him and I together.

 

I sent the fax after I knew he was home and that his wife would have had time to confront him. I could just imagine how he must have been doing to get out of that one but with the fax arriving about an hour after he got home, all hell must have really broken loose. She would have read the fax too (that was the intention).

 

I didn't hear anything until the next night. I got this email from him.

 

"You gave me a big time last night. I will never forget it."

 

Hmmm....

 

Knowing that English is not his native tongue, I am guessing this means that indeed, all hell did break loose and that he'll never forgive me. It could also be some sort of threat???

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floatinglotus

Since then I have felt like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It's as if I have transferred my suffering and agony onto him.

 

I have had a couple of pangs of guilt in devasting her life & I do realise that as time progresses, these feelings may strengthen. However, I had to do it. Let him sort out his own mess and realise that you cannot do things in life without consequences.

 

I have no illusions that he may come back to me (though I would be fibbing if I were to say I do not still dream that will happen). Let him realise though that I was not some silly girl to be trifled with. He was playing with fire and he got burnt.

 

Silly man for not even thinking that this could happen.

 

I have no idea what she'll do. She's 37 or 38 (no children) so she may/may not stay with him. One thing is for sure, she'll never trust him again.

 

Funny thing is one day he told me that she does not like him being jovial with other women at all - which makes me suspect that she's never been 100% sure of him. He's very handsome - though handsome is as handsome does!

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Originally posted by floatinglotus

Since then I have felt like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It's as if I have transferred my suffering and agony onto him.

 

I have had a couple of pangs of guilt in devasting her life & I do realise that as time progresses, these feelings may strengthen. However, I had to do it. Let him sort out his own mess and realise that you cannot do things in life without consequences.

 

I have no illusions that he may come back to me (though I would be fibbing if I were to say I do not still dream that will happen). Let him realise though that I was not some silly girl to be trifled with. He was playing with fire and he got burnt.

 

Silly man for not even thinking that this could happen.

 

I have no idea what she'll do. She's 37 or 38 (no children) so she may/may not stay with him. One thing is for sure, she'll never trust him again.

 

Funny thing is one day he told me that she does not like him being jovial with other women at all - which makes me suspect that she's never been 100% sure of him. He's very handsome - though handsome is as handsome does!

 

You've also transferred you're feelings of agony onto her.. be prepared though. ya don't know what kind of woman she is.. she has nothing stopping her from coming after you.

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floatinglotus

Where to from here? I still cry (though I've stopped sobbing like I was before D-Day). I am going to start caring for me and may even move o/s. However, I am now thinking I'll never marry or have a family. Maybe it's just not meant to be. I just want my Bozo.

 

For any other OW contemplating what I have done, I don't necessarily recommend it but by golly, I do feel better. What's more, I think that if every OW did this, then there would be less MM running around and involving themselves in affairs. The stakes would be too high and they would know that they would definitely get caught.

 

If MM had told me, hey, I like you and think you and I could make sweet love but I'm not wanting a relationship (just your body) then hey, we'd know what the game is. Right? If that's what you want then fine (well not really fine at all but you know what I mean). Instead, these MM sing songs, tell you that you are a princess and their true love, that they can't live without you etc etc etc (ladies here have heard it all before). We then get fooled, fall hopelessly in love, and they then wonder why we can't let go when they decide to drop us.

 

So, to all you MM out there, beware that even seemingly sweet OWs can have tempers. We don't take being treated like a fool lightly and there will be consequences.

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floatinglotus
Originally posted by erika2610

 

 

You've also transferred you're feelings of agony onto her.. be prepared though. ya don't know what kind of woman she is.. she has nothing stopping her from coming after you.

 

 

Yes, apart from the fact that she's in Bangkok and I'm thousands of miles away in another country. PHEW!

 

Mind you, I have now given up my dream of moving to BKK, I don't want my throat slit (and I don't say that jokingly either). MM has a temper and her father is purportedly very dodgy and a gun owner to boot! Ick.

 

And yes, I have transferred my feelings onto her. You are definitely correct. I am too numb to feel any remorse right now and perhaps a little too happy that he is suffering too. I'll see how my conscience handles this as time goes on.

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Originally posted by floatinglotus

Yes, apart from the fact that she's in Bangkok and I'm thousands of miles away in another country. PHEW!

 

Mind you, I have now given up my dream of moving to BKK, I don't want my throat slit (and I don't say that jokingly either). MM has a temper and her father is purportedly very dodgy and a gun owner to boot! Ick.

 

And yes, I have transferred my feelings onto her. You are definitely correct. I am too numb to feel any remorse right now and perhaps a little too happy that he is suffering too. I'll see how my conscience handles this as time goes on.

 

So you get happiness out of causing another pain? That's bad..

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ReluctantRomeo
Originally posted by floatinglotus

What's more, I think that if every OW did this, then there would be less MM running around and involving themselves in affairs. The stakes would be too high and they would know that they would definitely get caught.

 

Actually, if every OW refused the affair in the first place, there would be less MM running around and having affairs. This is the moral high ground. Not the position you've staked out - that's just revenge.

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i cant say i agree with what you have done, not just because of hurting anyone else but because how does it really help you? you also got involved with this mm. yes i know they lie, i have been there, but thats life. most men manipulate to some degree as do most women. i can say that i got involved with my mm as a result of a void in my own life, but that is probably true of him too. how can i say he is any worse a person than i? so he lied, but then i lied too. every ow who says to their mm, i am ok with the situation (in actions) is lying. i dont see how doing this helps you to grow. forgiving and understanding and taking responsibility for your own pain is what helps you to grow.

still, its done now.

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floatinglotus

Hi Newbby,

 

From the outset I told him that there would be no chance unless he can come to me a free man. He kept calling and calling, singing and sending me messages of the pain he is suffering. At that stage, the relationship had not been consumated.

 

I decided to have dinner with him and he proceeded to tell me his entire life story, all about his mother and father and the suffering throughout his life due to poverty. He wanted (or so I thought) for me to understand his background so I would know what kind of life we would have.

 

He then promised to leave his wife bit by bit as he sorted out the finances etc. So guess what? I believed it. Yes, I'm the fool.

 

So I never said I was ok with the situation, I said the total opposite. I was never in it to be the OW but believed I'd be the wife when all was said and done.

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floatinglotus
Originally posted by erika2610

 

 

So you get happiness out of causing another pain? That's bad..

 

 

Hi Erika,

 

I've been in agony for almost a year. I've cried a sea of tears and on Monday night he became so very nasty with me. Why? Because I loved him?

 

If he had not been nasty and cruel, I would not have done what I did. Yes, I am temporarily happy that he is now suffering. I would be a liar if I said that his pain was hurting me right now because I have felt the agony for far too long. I need closure.

 

Why should he go on as if nothing happened? I'm sorry, but a cheater must pay the price.

 

He involved not only me but my family as well and promised my mother that he would always take care of us. So what he's going through now is only a part of the torment I've endured.

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LucreziaBorgia

Why do MM say it?

 

Because this might get you into bed:

 

If MM had told me, hey, I like you and think you and I could make sweet love but I'm not wanting a relationship (just your body) then hey, we'd know what the game is.

 

But this is guaranteed to not only get you into bed, but allows you to accept and enjoy fulfilling all of his needs while willingly sacrificing your own:

 

Instead, these MM sing songs, tell you that you are a princess and their true love, that they can't live without you etc etc etc (ladies here have heard it all before).

 

He isn't tricking or fooling you. At the time he means it - but only insofar as it will work for him, fulfill all of his needs, and not threaten or interfere with his M. As soon as it stops working for him, doesn't fulfill all of his needs (or you start expecting your own needs to be met), or it starts to threaten the M those sweet words are meaningless. It isn't a lie, its a highly conditional truth. You just have to agree to the conditions if you want to benefit from his offer.

 

As for telling the W - well, I expect you aren't telling her anything she doesn't already suspect. It was a shame you had to be so specific about it though. There really is no need to kick the woman when she's down just to get at MM. He will likely suffer far less than she will - if he is even suffering at all, that is. While she is suffering from what you did, he will be out looking for an OOW.

 

At least you got your closure, I guess.

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floatinglotus
Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Why do MM say it?

 

Because this might get you into bed:

 

 

 

But this is guaranteed to not only get you into bed, but allows you to accept and enjoy fulfilling all of his needs while willingly sacrificing your own:

 

 

 

He isn't tricking or fooling you. At the time he means it - but only insofar as it will work for him, fulfill all of his needs, and not threaten or interfere with his M. As soon as it stops working for him, doesn't fulfill all of his needs (or you start expecting your own needs to be met), or it starts to threaten the M those sweet words are meaningless. It isn't a lie, its a highly conditional truth. You just have to agree to the conditions if you want to benefit from his offer.

 

As for telling the W - well, I expect you aren't telling her anything she doesn't already suspect. It was a shame you had to be so specific about it though. There really is no need to kick the woman when she's down just to get at MM. He will likely suffer far less than she will - if he is even suffering at all, that is. While she is suffering from what you did, he will be out looking for an OOW.

 

At least you got your closure, I guess.

 

 

The reason I was so specific was so that she would believe it. From reading these forums and others similar, it appears that the MM twist the facts and make out that it was the OW doing all the chasing etc and he just had a temporary weakness. When I wrote that fax, I wrote it with the intention that he could not wriggle out of it ligtly. It was very cruel though and I can't imagine what effect it has had on her. Allow me some time to see how my conscience reacts. It's too early for me and I'm feeling numb. I don't think I even know what I've done (in the sense of the gravity of it all).

 

I believe she suspected something but had no idea of any specifics and was hoping it would all go away (I am making presumptions here of course). He said that she had no idea but then said last Friday that she may suspect but does not know any particulars. I never know what to believe when it comes to him.

 

Another thing I'm not sure I mentioned previously, he wanted the 3 of us to live together. So yes, he would have two wives. I told him point blank that this was out of the question (heaven forbid!). I've heard that although not very common as such, such an arrangement is known in Thailand.

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Hi Newbby,

 

From the outset I told him that there would be no chance unless he can come to me a free man. He kept calling and calling, singing and sending me messages of the pain he is suffering. At that stage, the relationship had not been consumated.

 

I decided to have dinner with him and he proceeded to tell me his entire life story, all about his mother and father and the suffering throughout his life due to poverty. He wanted (or so I thought) for me to understand his background so I would know what kind of life we would have.

 

He then promised to leave his wife bit by bit as he sorted out the finances etc. So guess what? I believed it. Yes, I'm the fool.

 

So I never said I was ok with the situation, I said the total opposite. I was never in it to be the OW but believed I'd be the wife when all was said and done.

 

yeah yeah, i know, but you still slept with him before he actually left. whatever promises he made to you. that is saying i'm okay with doing this just on your word alone.

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floatinglotus

Oh Newbby, I think I've finally realised that men are simple creatures. You are so very right.

 

I can tell you now, I will never allow myself to fall so hopelessly in love like that again. And I'll be far less trusting.

 

I think I may get a bollocking from other forum members here but my purpose for posting this part of the saga is so that other OW who are considering doing what I've done know what they may be getting themselves into. I do not purport to be any saint and you may disagree with what I've done, but for me, I believe it was the only way to go. We are all entitled to our personal opinions.

 

And for the other OWs out there who do want to do this, once it's done, leave well alone. Do not continue any form of contact. Don't be a stalker. When doing something like this, it's final & there is no going back. And I know he will hate me forever.

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Let him sort out his own mess and realise that you cannot do things in life without consequences.

 

Hmmm.... you want to punish him because he hurt you.

Maybe that is the consequence of your own actions.

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floatinglotus
Originally posted by Debster

 

 

Hmmm.... you want to punish him because he hurt you.

Maybe that is the consequence of your own actions.

 

 

My own stupidity was to fall in love and believe him. And I am suffering as we speak. Read some of my other posts.

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I believe you are hurting and suffering, yes. I think that you want to make your MM pay for what he did to you, without understanding that you were a willing accomplice to your own pain. Then you decided to strike out and hurt someone - his wife - and devastate her life.

 

I think it's sad. Instead of taking this situation as a learning experience - and yes a hurtful one (but a consequence of YOUR actions), and trying to better yourself and look for Single, available, men you decide you should make somebody else feel the pain you're feeling.

 

Revenge is never sweet.

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floating lotus. I just wanted to give you my support in this terrible time. Although everyone here is coming down hard on you for hurting his wife by telling her about the affair, I just want to let you know that I can understand why you chose to do so. I can see that you did not do so to hurt his wife, but rather to end the affair and protect yourself. As a fellow OM, I really feel your pain.

 

I am not of the common belief held on this board that telling the wife about the affair is somehow a greater crime than the affair itself, quite the opposite. Bozo should not have told you all those beautiful things and expected to keep his marriage intact. He was clearly in the wrong by making a beautiful dream with you, by singing beautiful love songs and telling you that he was the one, while at the same time trying to keep his marriage. That is the true crime, not the telling of it.

 

I do not buy the excuse that since all MM say these things, therefore they should not be held accountable to their actions. True, if you were a willing accomplice in having a secret relation with him knowing he would never (or probably never) leave his wife, then it would be different. Telling the wife in that case would only be for revenge. But in your case I can see that it is different. Since he purposefully misled you, in my view you are well within your rights to say the truth to everyone, including his wife.

 

The wife is an innocent victim of all this, and I really feel bad that she had to find out what her husband was like. But I also believe you are an innocent victim too, and should be accorded the full respect you rightfully deserve.

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can see that you did not do so to hurt his wife, but rather to end the affair and protect yourself. As a fellow OM, I really feel your pain.

 

Huh??? The affair was ended. She was the one who wouldn't let go. Read her other post.

 

Since he purposefully misled you, in my view you are well within your rights to say the truth to everyone, including his wife.

 

The wife is an innocent victim of all this, and I really feel bad that she had to find out what her husband was like. But I also believe you are an innocent victim too, and should be accorded the full respect you rightfully deserve.

 

Huh?? He misled her that he would leave his wife - as almost all married men do so they can get some action on the side. However, she knew he was taken. That does not make her innocent. Innocent would be if she never knew that he was taken and only found out after the fact. And the details she gave to the wife were extremely spiteful and vindictive. TO think that she deserves respect for her actions is ridiculous!!!

 

I know the poster is going through pain. However, that does NOT give her the right to act this way. Instead, I suggest counselling and therapy. She is coming extremely close to acting like a fatal attraction.

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deep blue,

all mm do mislead the ow, read every other post on here.

i had no criticism of the fact that she told the w, other than that it was ultimately not good for her to get revenge in this way. i didnt see how it would help her to grow from this. whats done is done, and there is no point in giving her a hard time about that, its no more helpful than giving ow a hard time about having an a in the first place. however i think that getting involved with a lying mm is something that you do without knowing the truth, whereas getting revenge is something that you do with a concious choice of how to handle the truth once you know it.

i know that floating lotus this was your first experience with relationships and that it probably hit you harder to be decieved, however i dont think that this is your way to grow from this. whats done is done, but what now?

how are you going to heal yourself and move on?

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floatinglotus
Originally posted by Deep Blue

floating lotus. I just wanted to give you my support in this terrible time. Although everyone here is coming down hard on you for hurting his wife by telling her about the affair, I just want to let you know that I can understand why you chose to do so. I can see that you did not do so to hurt his wife, but rather to end the affair and protect yourself. As a fellow OM, I really feel your pain.

 

I am not of the common belief held on this board that telling the wife about the affair is somehow a greater crime than the affair itself, quite the opposite. Bozo should not have told you all those beautiful things and expected to keep his marriage intact. He was clearly in the wrong by making a beautiful dream with you, by singing beautiful love songs and telling you that he was the one, while at the same time trying to keep his marriage. That is the true crime, not the telling of it.

 

I do not buy the excuse that since all MM say these things, therefore they should not be held accountable to their actions. True, if you were a willing accomplice in having a secret relation with him knowing he would never (or probably never) leave his wife, then it would be different. Telling the wife in that case would only be for revenge. But in your case I can see that it is different. Since he purposefully misled you, in my view you are well within your rights to say the truth to everyone, including his wife.

 

The wife is an innocent victim of all this, and I really feel bad that she had to find out what her husband was like. But I also believe you are an innocent victim too, and should be accorded the full respect you rightfully deserve.

 

Thank you for your understanding words. I was not asking for people to condone what I've done, simply to give my story which will hopefully help others in my situation.

 

He only tried to end it when I finally had enough and started asking the tough questions. Up to that point he kept stringing me with what have now become false fantasies. When I finally said I want a specific time frame for when we'll be together he started getting funny and then ultimately nasty and said that I'm pressuring him. I was shocked. This is the man who said would never hurt me and would look after me.

 

Debster's comments don't hurt but I feel they are not helpful either. By coming down on someone in my position, she only worsens the effect all round. Sorry Debster, but it's true. I've been hurting and was even contemplating suicide till only recently but I want to use these forums as a way to work through my pain and provide my story to help others (hopefully avoid the whole situation to begin with).

 

As for Fatal Attraction, this is melodramatic, yah? I haven't boiled bunnies (though we English do eat them!) and I have stated in a previous post that I will never contact them again. This to me has been closure & that's one of the reasons (if not the Main reason) I told her. Yes, I would be absolutely lying if I were to state that I did not get some sort of vengeful satisfaction from him now having to sort out this whole mess, but those feelings have calmed down and were not the main reason for my disclosure.

 

As I said before, telling the W has been a cathartic experience and has lifted a weight off my shoulders. For me personally, if I was the wife, I'd want to know if my H was cheating on me so I could get out of the situtation - or stay as the case may be. This Bozo became so revolting to me as well that I wanted him to know he could not walk all over me. After this whole sorry saga, I don't think he'd ever cheat again!

 

I feel some of the posters here think that everyone is "knowing". There are still innocent people who hold on to high ideals and I guess in my case, are too believing. I don't lie so I don't expect others to either. My world has changed though - one of my saddest losses. I'm not that innocent girl anymore and I don't know if I could trust so implicitly again.

 

As for how I'm working on getting better - well this new job is taking me out of myself. I have to concentrate and am busy the entire time I'm there. That really helps and the other thing is, after telling the W, I have felt a sense of closure - or nearness to closure at least. I went touring the countryside today and tomorrow a friend is teaching me Indonesian cooking. I don't believe in therapy but if need be will see my priest. Fortunately I have a beautiful mother and I have my faith which keeps me going.

 

Deep Blue and Newbby, thank you. Truly.

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I have thought long (almost two years) and hard about revealing my affair to the MM's wife. I have posted about those thoughts on here since early 2004.

 

I understand completely where FloatingLotus is coming from. I have explored this for the past 2 years in therapy and I understand deeply, for me anyway, why I want to reveal the affair to his wife.

 

I still haven't done it but I think about it ALL the time, and have talked to the MM about it many, many times.

 

Part of it is about control; when you are involved with a MM you lose all feelings of control or power in the relationship. Often, this is the only area where the OW/OM has any power.

 

Part of it is about wanting to "be known" - (my therapists' lingo). Many OW (myself included) hate that we are essentially secrets and that every part of our relationship (the good and bad) are unknown.

 

Part of it is that we are essentially in a triangulated relationship, with the Wife. Telling the Wife is a way to bring that part of our relationship more into our control.

 

And part of it is possibly a desire for revenge, to hurt the person who has hurt us so badly. I think there is a bit of that in there for me sometimes, but it is not really how I feel and definitely doesn't drive my thoughts of revealing the affair. I don't really want him to be hurt, and not at my hand. But it does make me angry that he is getting away with what he's done - sure it does!

 

For some OW, there is a belief that, as a last-ditch effort, if they tell the W the H will leave and make a beautiful future with the OW. In my case, it is the opposite.

 

I believe that if I tell his W, he will finally leave my life forever. It is both what compells me to want to tell her AND what makes me resist. I haven't been strong enough to resist his manipulations, and sometimes I want to tell his W to force him out of my life. At the same time, I am reluctant to make such a final and forever cut.

 

Anybody ever see those endless stories on 20/20 and such shows about the con artists who take people's money? How otherwise intelligent people give strangers access to their bank accounts and such and lose everything? Why is it in situations like that the blame is placed, fairly, on the con artist and not on the victim of the con and in this forum, so often, the blame is placed on the victim of the con (the OW/OM) for being "stupid enough to fall for it".

 

I am not stupid. I believed this man loved me (he does) and I believed his lies/misrepresentations - the same as his W obviously does. And on my "bad days" I still fall prey to them.

 

Lash away.

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floatinglotus,

 

i hope today brings a brighter day for you. my exMMs W found out about me on her own, so i can't say that i've been in your exact situation. there were, however, times when i wanted to "set her straight" - from my perspective - on what had really happened, since i'm sure that the side of the story she heard from him was far from the truth. so i understand the desire to do that, much like your detailed fax that you sent.

 

i have mixed feeliings about telling her. what i find puzzliing is that if you go into the infidelity forum, in many cases you'll see the betrayed spouse expressing the same desires. they want to tell their spouses affair partner's W or H all about the affair. and the responses that occur there, while mixed, tend to run more of the "tell them" type of responses. although the situations are drastically different, the bottom line is that OWs can feel very betrayed by this all. i know, we get ourselves into the situs, but the feelings of trust and betrayal can be similar. so why wouldn't we have the same desires to tell the MMs W as they BSs?

 

like you, my MM only talked about his life eventually with me, leaving his W, and he and i being together forever. so when the shi! hit the fan, i felt more pain than i'd ever experienced before. and it's been a hard lesson to learn and being able to trust again and risk the pain of falling for someone, even if they're single, is hard. but there is a light at the end. i find myself, a little over a year out now, almost willing to risk it again. but it still lingers. for the last 2 months, since i started seeing someone (who's divorce became final a few weeks ago) i haven't had too many thoughts about MM and when i have they've changed to thoughts of just whether he's ok, happy, and yeah, sometimes i still want to kick his butt for my difficulties of being able to trust.

 

you'll be ok, in time. and like you, there is a lot of physical distance between me and MM (not as much as you but still) the distance helps the healing as well since you didn't see him every day, or even every week. getting over the "addiction" is hard, but possible.

 

good luck!

izzy

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neverwilllearn

Well, Personnaly... I am glad u did it and I am really glad u posted it. You have helped alot of people who may have wanted to do this but couldn't. But as least I can savor the momentI was dating a "single" guy on tour exclusively for almost a year who said he had a friend but had broken up. We saw each other morning, noon and night every single solitary day. The day we took our flight home he acted stange, like he didn't want to be with me... trust your instint girls.. Always. He calls three days after return and tells me he had lied to me. That he and and his "friend" had really planned to work things out after the tour was over. The pain I felt... Being very moral, he knew I was not going to sleep with him unless there was absolutely nobody in the picture. And he out and out lied... I was devastated when he told me this. Then he goes on to tell me though... "But my dear, how can I make love to my "friend" when I am so in Love with you?" Then he told me he was moving out on her and getting his own place.

 

So here we are 1000 miles apart and hes been calling and emailing regularly professing his love and making plans to come here soon before next leg of tour. And I am believing him AGAIN! When today, just a few moments ago I cracked the code to his email... (sorry .. I just had to know the truth) .. and low and behold I find out he is vacationing with the "friend" in another city. I am having a mini breakdown. He could have made a clean break the first time. But he had to come into my life and fill them with lies again. Why????

 

I thought about throwing the revealing email back in this face and thoughts came of sending his "friend" scruptious emails that he had sent to me. But I am a coward. And I don't like the hate factor involved. And to be very honest.. the friend did nothing to deserve the pain I would give her. But I am glad you did this for all of us who would have liked to ... Thank you my dear .. Let's move on and get the Men in our lives that we truly deserve.

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