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Survey - Got to Point of No Return and DIDNT go thru with it?


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TiredOfWaiting

Trying to get a feel for any experiences out there, where MM/MW got right to the point of being served D papers, and THEN backed out.

 

My Q is because my MM claims he will be going thru with it, but every now and then I hear that he is "confused", "conflicted", and the same for his W who every so often asks him "are you sure you want to go thru with this?".

 

Facts:

 

She instituted the proceedings, not him.

He cant/wont move out of their home. Claims to not be able to afford it until the financials are finalised.

He and I have currently very little contact or to do with one another, as he feels pressured by me (all I ever wanted were Yes/No answers, not that he leave her).

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StillHurtin
Originally posted by TiredOfWaiting

Trying to get a feel for any experiences out there, where MM/MW got right to the point of being served D papers, and THEN backed out.

 

My Q is because my MM claims he will be going thru with it, but every now and then I hear that he is "confused", "conflicted", and the same for his W who every so often asks him "are you sure you want to go thru with this?".

 

Facts:

 

She instituted the proceedings, not him.

He cant/wont move out of their home. Claims to not be able to afford it until the financials are finalised.

He and I have currently very little contact or to do with one another, as he feels pressured by me (all I ever wanted were Yes/No answers, not that he leave her).

 

Tiredofwaiting, I am not the MW, but the W. My H filed for a D and then I heard the rumors of the A. Him and the OW were having an EA but as soon as I kicked him out of our home b/c he said he wanted a D was when ppl were telling me about the A. I called the OW and she told me that there was nothing going on but that my H was confused about what he wanted. She told me he moved too fast w/ filing and didn't know if he really wanted the D. I also asked H if he really wanted the D. He even told me he thought he moved too fast. I could tell he was confused.

 

I moved away and a month later he called me wanting me back. He said he made a stupid mistake having the A and wanted to work on the M. We have been back 2gether for 2 years now.

 

My advice to you is let him go until he knows what he wants. Give him some space to figure it out. When the OW is clouding the MM's judgement they don't know what they want. He needs to time. If his W is having second thoughts about the D and he doesn't know for sure if he wants one you need to take a step back and let them work on it. GL

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VirginiaBob

"He cant/wont move out of their home"

 

this actually might be doing this to protect himself. the judge is more likely to award the house to the one that has "established residency" in the house.

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BoatingBabe
Originally posted by StillHurtin

Tiredofwaiting, I am not the MW, but the W. My H filed for a D and then I heard the rumors of the A. Him and the OW were having an EA but as soon as I kicked him out of our home b/c he said he wanted a D was when ppl were telling me about the A. I called the OW and she told me that there was nothing going on but that my H was confused about what he wanted. She told me he moved too fast w/ filing and didn't know if he really wanted the D. I also asked H if he really wanted the D. He even told me he thought he moved too fast. I could tell he was confused.

 

I moved away and a month later he called me wanting me back. He said he made a stupid mistake having the A and wanted to work on the M. We have been back 2gether for 2 years now.

 

My advice to you is let him go until he knows what he wants. Give him some space to figure it out. When the OW is clouding the MM's judgement they don't know what they want. He needs to time. If his W is having second thoughts about the D and he doesn't know for sure if he wants one you need to take a step back and let them work on it. GL

 

StillHurtin, he filed for divorce over an emotional affair? They never had a PA??

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BB-

 

It's very possible that he filed over an EA. People tend to underestimate the power (and damage) of an EA.

 

In some ways, it's worse if it's NOT physical. Because then the fantasy element of it is still in full effect...it's not been 'tainted' with a real person. My wife was all set to LEAVE our family...four kids, and myself...to go live with someone she'd never met in person. THAT is how addictive and powerful an EA can be. Like I said, in her case especially, the fantasy was never ruined by a burping, farting, beer-drinking, toilet seat leaving up real life person who now had to support her needs completely.

 

TOW-

I would provide you the same caution that you've probably already been given by many. He's lied systematically to her...so it's entirely likely that he's done the same to you as well. The situation that he's described at home is very likely nothing like what the reality is. And remember too that many MM/MW not only decieve those around them, they often decieve themselves as well!! It's extremely common for them to completely re-write the marital history and current marital situation at home within their own minds...simply to help them to justify what they're doing.

 

Honestly, if he's not moved out yet, I wouldn't truly think that it's likely that he's going to end his marriage any time soon. The odds are that he's trying to keep the both of you for as long as possible...because it's the best of both worlds that way.

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StillHurtin
Originally posted by BoatingBabe

StillHurtin, he filed for divorce over an emotional affair? They never had a PA??

 

BoatingBabe, yes my H filed for a D after they started their EA. As soon as I kicked him out of the house is when they started having a PA. We didn't have the best of M at the time and this OW was there for support, paid attention to him, blah, blah, blah. Instead of talking to me about our M problems and his unhappiness he ran to the OW to take care of it when we should of tried MC first.

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Originally posted by TiredOfWaiting

Trying to get a feel for any experiences out there, where MM/MW got right to the point of being served D papers, and THEN backed out.

 

My Q is because my MM claims he will be going thru with it, but every now and then I hear that he is "confused", "conflicted", and the same for his W who every so often asks him "are you sure you want to go thru with this?".

 

Facts:

 

She instituted the proceedings, not him.

He cant/wont move out of their home. Claims to not be able to afford it until the financials are finalised.

He and I have currently very little contact or to do with one another, as he feels pressured by me (all I ever wanted were Yes/No answers, not that he leave her).

 

Look, completely back out of the picture so that this husband and wife can sort out their marriage - it's the right thing to do. And please don't be so naive as to believe that the ONLY reason he's remaining in their home is because he can't afford to leave - if he wanted to, he'd find a way. You can bet the farm that they're still having sex, still living like husband and wife.

 

His Wife did nothing to deserve this mess - out of respect to a fellow woman, excuse yourself totally from this picture - so she can fully decide whether she wants to remain married to this cheating, cowardly f*ckstick.

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StillHurtin
Originally posted by shygurl

Look, completely back out of the picture so that this husband and wife can sort out their marriage - it's the right thing to do. And please don't be so naive as to believe that the ONLY reason he's remaining in their home is because he can't afford to leave - if he wanted to, he'd find a way. You can bet the farm that they're still having sex, still living like husband and wife.

 

His Wife did nothing to deserve this mess - out of respect to a fellow woman, excuse yourself totally from this picture - so she can fully decide whether she wants to remain married to this cheating, cowardly f*ckstick.

 

I agree shygurl! My H and I weren't financially well off either. There is no way H could of afford to get a place of his own, pay rent, utilities, and child support and alimony so he moved in w/ a friend. I knew he wanted out badly enough to move in w/ a friend. I don't think this mm has a valid excuse for staying b/c of financial reasons.

 

When a M couple are having problems the last thing they need is for some OP to come into the picture to cloud the MM/MW's judgments. The OP can make the one who is betraying their spouse believe anything. They say, do anything that will make the MM/MW believe they are the ones for them. It's all mind games, well it was in the case of my H and the OW. She knew he was M but continued to flirt, make passes at him, made him feel good about himself, blah, blah, blah. If she wasn't in the picture tempting my H we could of worked on our M ourselves w/o a third person giving their advice and opinions. Instead of talking to me about our problems he went to the OW.

 

I had a nice, long talk w/ the OW's mil and she said that the OW was a bully. She said she was very manipulative and could make anyone believe her. She had a way w/ words. She knew the right things to say and do to make a man attracted to her. This wasn't the OW's first A w/ a MM, she admitted to me that she had slept w/ another MM who was also separated from his W. This OW said she didn't care if a man was M or not, if she wanted to flirt she was going to. This OW had no care for anyone else's feelings but her own. When I confronted her about the A she laughed.

 

I agree that any OW that is involved w/ a MM who has doubts about his D and even the W the OW needs to back off and let them work on it on their own.

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TiredOfWaiting

In response to all those urging me to stay out of it - I HAVE done so. To the extent of advising his W that I am no longer in the picture until a decision is reached, to the extent of telling him he has my blessing to back out of everything and work on the M.

 

I am beating myself up every day that I wasn't far more forceful all along, whenever I tried to break away from him.

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StillHurtin
Originally posted by TiredOfWaiting

In response to all those urging me to stay out of it - I HAVE done so. To the extent of advising his W that I am no longer in the picture until a decision is reached, to the extent of telling him he has my blessing to back out of everything and work on the M.

 

I am beating myself up every day that I wasn't far more forceful all along, whenever I tried to break away from him.

 

How have you stayed out of it? What I mean is, do you still talk w/ the MM? Are you still in contact w/ the MM? I beleive it's best you have NC w/ him b/c not doing so can continue to confuse him on what he really wants at this point. And if he does go back to his W and you have NC it will make it easier on you also.

 

The OW my H had an A w/ during our separation also said she was not involved w/ my H and she even tried giving me advice about our M. She said she would talk to H, tell him I still loved him, wanted the M to work, ect. Well, she did have that talk w/ him b/c H told me she had b4 I even told him we spoke. I believe the OW was trying to help me to make me think that they weren't having an A. I think it was a way for her to make me stop suspecting something was going on, when in a fact, it was.

 

If you have NC w/ the MM you have made a good choice. Not only for yourself, but the MM and his family. They need to work on their M problems w/o a third person being in the way.

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