Does he want FWB or not??

[Shadowdancer]

About two months ago I started going to this fitness class. I had no idea what I was in for, but turns out the attendees are pretty tight knit and I was invited to join their FB group. I did, and subsequently after that first class, the instructor friended me. Skip ahead a couple weeks, and the instructor messages me one night after class and says I’m doing a great job. We talk briefly about class and thats it. The next week, same thing - he messages me after class and says I’m doing a great job, but this time he drops a few pet names. Calling me baby girl, babe, etc. I got the feeling he was flirting but he’s married so I just brushed it off.

 

A few weeks later, he messages me at 11pm on a Saturday night. This time its not about class and we just start chatting. He asks if I’m single, and it goes from there. I wont lie, I was flattered by the attention. I have been single for so long and it feels good to be noticed. The more we talked that night, the more explicit the convo got. He initiated that angle, but I didn’t stop it. We ended up talking for 3 hours, mostly about sexual stuff, and he eventually proposed we enter into a secret sexual relationship. I joked around but mentioned his wife, and said she probably wouldn’t appreciate it. He said she’d never know.

 

The next day he messages me again and asks how I felt about the previous night’s convo. I said it was probably a mistake and I couldn’t feel good about helping him cheat. He keeps trying to say it’s no big deal, things aren’t great with his wife and they have zero sex life, blah blah, but eventually says he’ll back off.

 

The next day I message him (note this is the only time I initiated) and I said something innocent but flirtatious. We continue to chat almost daily for the next few weeks, but every time besides that one is him messaging me first. It’s probably 20-25% about life and everything else about sex and the conversations are relatively brief. Sometimes its in the morning, sometimes in the evening, once or twice at 2 or 3am. Over this time he solicits pictures, which I have teased, but have not yet sent. He continues to bring up the idea of us messing around, more specifically he seems to be enamored with the idea of him performing oral on me. I have also teased this idea, mentioned his wife a few more times, but also vaguely hinted at being down for it. He keeps asking if I could be okay with just a FWB thing and no commitment, and I am also vague here saying I dont know.

 

I’ve seen him in class three times since the more graphic conversations started and tbh, its hot to know we have this secret sexual sidebar going on and no one else in there knows. Yesterday he messaged me and asked if he could come over before class for a rendezvous and all I said was maybe, but he didn’t answer. But I see him in class, we both act like nothing is different. He hugged me when class was over (he walked over to where me and another girl were talking and hugged us both, but I swear his hand lingered on my waist just a hair too long).

 

He messaged me not twenty minutes after class was over and starts in on the sexy talk, but out of nowhere says he doesn’t think I am ready for him. I asked for clarification and he says he thinks I’d get attached. I asked what made him think that and he says its because I’m a good girl and he’d rather me be a bad girl. I said again that I wasn’t sure how I would feel or react after we did anything, but I dont *want* to get attached. He has a wife and i am happy being single. Then he asked again if I could handle just a FWB thing, and then says he thinks I could. I fell asleep and didn’t respond after that, but its got me just wondering...

 

I never assume someone is into me because it’s massively embarrassing when it turns out they aren’t, but something about this whole thing has me ever so slightly wondering about the possibility of him being a little bit into me. HeÂ’s coming at me with this “oh youll get attached and want commitment” stuff when i never said that, when he’s the one messaging me almost every day, when i am the hesitant one and have not jumped on this nor even sent a picture. I have given no indication that I would become attached or overbearing, I am really good at playing aloof when someone is chasing me. Maybe he’s projecting? Why is he so concerned with how I will feel after, I mean I’m the one with everything to lose. He could ditch me and I’d have to be the one to abort class since he’s the teacher and i just started going. Wouldn’t most guys interested in FWB just want to smash first and think later? Or at least move on to the next conquest since its been a few weeks and I am still just a tease? He’s really attractive, I am sure other girls would take him up on his offer.

 

I’m probably over thinking it but it was just so weird to me that he comes out with this “you cant handle it” stuff out of the blue when Im responding to his sexual conversation. Maybe its just a tactic to get me in bed? Seems like a lot of work for a FWB lol. Thrill of the chase? Or maybe he’s just trying to be sure I wont catch feelings because emotional women are more likely to squeal to his wife. I just wonder why he keeps trying but accuses me of being the one who will get attached. Anyway thoughts?

Edited August 29, 2018 by Shadowdancer

[Zahara]

We ended up talking for 3 hours, mostly about sexual stuff, and he eventually proposed we enter into a secret sexual relationship. I joked around but mentioned his wife, and said she probably wouldn’t appreciate it. He said she’d never know.

 

Why would you even entertain such a scumbag. Ugh...skin crawling.

 

If you've lost all sense and moral boundaries, then at least be very careful -- STDs. He likely sleeps around with a lot of women.

Edited August 29, 2018 by Zahara

[Shadowdancer]

Why would you even entertain such a scumbag. Ugh...skin crawling.

 

I know, i know. Ive never cheated or helped anyone cheat and I’ve had a whole moral dilemma about that already. There’s a lot wrong with the situation, but I figured the other man/woman forum wouldn’t judge lol.

[emilyj]

i think he's totally feeling you out. Making it very clear that it would just be sex. Maybe he's done this before, maybe not. Just be careful of your feelings. FWB sounds fun, but in reality someone usually always gets attached.

[Zahara]

I know, i know. Ive never cheated or helped anyone cheat and I’ve had a whole moral dilemma about that already. There’s a lot wrong with the situation, but I figured the other man/woman forum wouldn’t judge lol.

 

It's not about judging. Think about what you are doing. Most are not going to support you doing something that is so destructive. If anything, ask yourself how you would feel if your boyfriend did this to you.

 

I've seen what affairs can do to people. The hurt is incredible. Don't support or contribute to it.

 

There are tons of single guys on Bumble, Tinder, etc. that will snap you up to have sex with no strings. Stay away from married men -- it's not worth it.

[Orokotikki]

I know, i know. Ive never cheated or helped anyone cheat and I’ve had a whole moral dilemma about that already. There’s a lot wrong with the situation, but I figured the other man/woman forum wouldn’t judge lol.

Sadly, it sounds like you have already solved your 'moral dilemma'.

 

You reap what you sow.

 

Do you really think you are the only to attend his class that he hits on?

Just coincidence he had two to hug (oh surely "so it seems more innocent").

 

His poor wife. I wonder how you might handle her wrath if she catches him with you? (Unless you are lucky enough that she catches him with one of the others, you may want to consider this).

 

Also, will you keep this secret to your grave? Or will you someday have a healthy relationship with honesty and communication?

 

How will that partner look at you forever after when you tell them?

 

I hope you are better than this deep down, but I have no doubt you have already decided your course of action.

[What_Did_I_Do]

He is playing you like a fiddle. And you are humming right along. Skin crawling is right.

 

Good grief, don't go there. He may drop you like yesterday's newspaper once he succeeds in getting his oral from you, or whatever else he's scheming for. Or he may keep coming back for as much as you're willing to give to him. But that's all you'll ever be - a sex outlet. Maybe some ego boost as well.

[Artdeco]

Omg that’s so engineered on his part, it’s pathetic! He’s probably tried that before with success, and it’s become a habit maybe. You’ve engaged in so much personal communication with this guy that he now probably thinks you’re easy bait. And the “you might get attached”, bc “you’re a good girl” speech ? ......... that’s just him putting you in a box, trying to make ALL the rules, before he even starts something sexual with you.

 

Of course he doesn’t want his W to find out, and they don’t exactly seem to be on the verge of divorce, either, so he’s setting you up as a ****buddy. Sorry, but that’s so obvious, based on what you wrote. There aren’t even any nuances there. It’s like a black and white scenario like no other. He states clearly what he is after, it’s crystal clear, and if that’s what you want, go for it, but it’ll not end well.

 

I get the impression that you’re pretty impressed and flattered already. You haven’t had a relationship in a while, so I understand how this kind of attention can somewhat sweep you off your feet. But he knows that, too, and that’s what he’s playing at. Trust me: it’s NOT flattering if somebody contacts you out of the blue, who is married and your fitness coach on top of everything, and then starts sexting and making inappropriate remarks. Don’t do it! Nonono. And if it’s only for the sake of proving him wrong.

[ExpatInItaly]

I’m probably over thinking it but it was just so weird to me that he comes out with this “you cant handle it” stuff out of the blue when Im responding to his sexual conversation. Maybe its just a tactic to get me in bed? Seems like a lot of work for a FWB lol. Thrill of the chase? Or maybe he’s just trying to be sure I wont catch feelings because emotional women are more likely to squeal to his wife. I just wonder why he keeps trying but accuses me of being the one who will get attached. Anyway thoughts?

 

Ding, ding, ding.

 

Oldest ploy in the cheater handbook, OP. He's trying to manipulate you into "proving" to him you won't get attached - by sleeping with him. Lame reverse psychology, if you will. It's not a lot of work at all. He just repeats the same sentence a few times. Where's the work in that?

 

He's done this before, I can guarantee you that much. That's how he knows exactly what to say to get you thinking about actually going through with it. He's comfortable with infidelity, and I would put money on the fact you're not the only student he's done or is currently doing this with. Yes, he's trying to warn you it will be just sex. And no, he probably doesn't want his wife to find out. Or the other chicks in the class that he bangs. Then his playtime would be over.

 

I gather this is the first time you've been approached by a married man. But I can tell you, nothing about his approach is unique. It's so cliche it's almost comical.

 

I can't in good faith recommend you allow yourself to be played like this and be a party to the undermining of a marriage. But if you do, know that you will almost certainly regret it when he drops you like a hot potato and moves on to the next new student.

[BTDT2012]

He's playing you like a fiddle. You are worth so much more than this.

[sandylee1]

Total reverse psychology.

Telling you you'll get attached if you have sex, in the hopes you'll prove him wrong.

 

He's made it crystal clear he's only after some side action.

 

He's done this before and you'll be one of many students he's recruited as a F*** Buddy.

It's not a FWB... that dresses up what it is. It's a MM looking to get a woman in bed and offering nothing more than that.

[marky00]

i think he's totally feeling you out. Making it very clear that it would just be sex. Maybe he's done this before, maybe not. Just be careful of your feelings. FWB sounds fun, but in reality someone usually always gets attached.

 

^^ This is what he is doing. He is grooming you for a FWB. He needs to know your cool with it so that once it begins you don't get to be upset when he just ends it when he pleases.

 

He wants to sleep with you. Yes. But that is about it.

 

Take the ego boost but don't meet up with him or you will regret it.

[BaileyB]

I know, i know. Ive never cheated or helped anyone cheat and I’ve had a whole moral dilemma about that already. There’s a lot wrong with the situation, but I figured the other man/woman forum wouldn’t judge lol.

 

It’s not judgment, it’s concern. And frankly, common sense.

 

Just because you post in the other woman forum doesn’t mean that people are going to cheer you on when you make a decision that’s going to hurt another woman and destroy your life.

 

I agree, don’t try to make it sound better by calling it “FWB.” This is a MM trying to get you in his bed, or his car. You will be another notch in his bedpost. I would bet money that once he has taken what he wants, he will move on to the next student... Nothing special here and to be honest - he’s really forward and kind of creepy... walk away.

Edited September 2, 2018 by BaileyB

[Ruby Slippers]

He's probably working on most of the women in the class, likely having sex with some or has before.

 

It's super easy to find very hot single guys for casual sex on dating sites, if that's really all you want.

[Bufo]

Maybe you ought to peek through the window after another class of his. You might find another woman playing the role you play after your classes.

Would that discovery change your opinion of him or change your mind about the potential affair you’re considering?

 

This guy is a pro. Gets you talking about sex early on then slides into reverse psychology as others described above.

 

You would probably benefit from reading other OW stories involving affairs with married men. Almost universally those stories end badly for the OW. Something rips the blinders from their eyes and they “suddenly” realize all the OM was after was sex. I suspect you want more than a sexual relationship with MM.

You won’t be the first OW to be disappointed, heartbroken, feel cheapened, etc.

 

Few find it easy to shrug off. Thus the continuity and popularity of this section of LS.