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Emotionally Draining **Updated**


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MW having an A with MM for over a year. When it’s good... it is amazing. When it’s bad...it is emotionally draining because he goes so hot and cold a lot lately. He initiated and started talking to me & I proceeded to continue and told him it was ok, I wanted this with him too. I wouldn’t change it. I would do it again. My marriage had been and still is bad, husband & I have no connection anymore. I can see his is mostly bad too, however his wife is much more social media forward, posting loving messages to him, want to go on date nights, posting selfies, trying to make things good with him. I have to endure seeing her make believe happy wife, happy life on social media, that is hard, but I know the truth.

 

He still spends most of his days and nights talking to me. And we have only been intimate with each other until we “have” to with our spouses to keep the peace in our marriages, which has only been a few times within the past year. My MM & I have a great relationship, we get a long great, we have very similar personalities and sense of humors. We have always said from the very beginning that talking to each other is so easy and things with us just feel right. The sex is unbelievably perfect too but it is more than just sex because we still see each other when we don’t have time for sex. We talk a lot and seeing each other whenever we’re both free, we always still wanted to meet for a quick kiss and to just see each other & talk. We both travel for work so we can get away about once a month at a hotel and spend the day together. We've said I love you daily, whenever we end a conversation and say good night. We wake each other up with good morning text and have a good day messages.

 

We have talked about our future, how we want to be together and how our family would be. We have talked about leaving our spouses but we both have kids and have decided for now we need to not break up our families for the kids. We live in a small town and our families know each other well. Our kids are in the same classes and play on the same sports teams. We are very honest with each other, well we used to be until recently.

 

About 6 months ago I had to go away for a few days with my husband and MM took it really hard. He originally told me it was what I had to do to keep the show of being married. While I was gone I still tried to talk to him as much as I could but he went very cold. Backed away and said we needed to take a break. He knew I had sex with my husband (it was the first time since MM & I had started seeing each other, 8 mths prior). We still talked daily, and saw each other but not as much and we weren’t as “lovey”. Finally we got back to being together more seriously for a few months. Until summer.

 

He was working away and I went to a party and drank quite a bit. Our sons had an event the next day, I shouldn’t have gone to the party. He became very upset. He said I was selfish and couldn’t trust me and I drank too often and he was trying to concentrate on work at a new job yet was worried sick about me driving home. I shouldn’t have went. He went completely NC, blocking me. I apologize profusely. About a week later he started talking to me again and things got better

.

See...the emotions are a roller coaster!! Hot/cold, up/down. He goes this way always after a really good week or two, all of a sudden, out of no where sometimes. And I’m saying, just last week you were telling me how much you missed me and loved me! Now that it has been summer and we’ve had family vacations it’s been worse lately. He went away with his family. We still talked but I tried to keep my distance to give him time with them. It worked out ok I thought, as best as it could, he checked in when he could and I tried not to get too upset when I didn’t hear much from him. I just knew it was what he had to do. He swore he didn’t have sex with her. When he came home we saw each other again often and talked all day every day again. It was all good.

 

Well...then it was my turn for family vacation and he basically went almost NC again. Constantly saying he was breaking it off, he couldn’t do it anymore, he knew I would have sex with my husband and said he would just break it off with me so he didn’t have to know. Cause we have an agreement to tell each other if we do have sex with our spouse. He has since been very distant again and saying how we are just friends with benefits now and the emotions and feelings need to stop. Saying things like he doesn’t have feelings, just using me for sex. But you have to know his personality and know he does that, he jokes like that just to get me going cause he knows it makes me mad.

 

I told him no, I wasn’t just going to be his friend with benefits, it has gone way past that. You can’t ever be friends with someone you’ve fallen in love with. You dont just fall out of love. We have history, lots of history. We have our inside jokes, memories, songs, he practically fathers my son, he has spent several nights at his house this Summer with his son. They are really close friends. My husband is rarely around.

 

Current situation...

Last week him & I went away for the day and it was so good. He was so affectionate and loving. For this past week he has been the same as old times, saying I love you, sexting, talking a lot, sending me songs that have become “our” songs. Then the weekend came, which normally causes tension bc he gets extremely jealous if my husband is around. I had friends & their kids over for a cookout & drinks, ever since he has been very cold and rude, not responding, ghosting me when I ask about his day or try to talk, and when I tell him goodnight and love you he doesn’t reply. When I try sexting him he says were just friends & we’re broke up. Now my emotions are high again bc I’m thinking everything was perfect last week!! What happened?

 

What is going on?? Why does he go back and forth so much? It is becoming emotionally draining. I know he loves me, I really believe he does. And I think he gets scared when we’re so good & intimate for a long period of time so then he backs off to compress his feelings. I love him. Sometimes I show too much feelings and he says it scares him. But he does show a lot of feelings too, sometimes, he’s just better about turning them off and compressing them better than I am. What is this we’re doing? Is it a true love affair that could turn into more, or our we kidding ourselves and it never will amount to anything, just sex, just friends? We have always said we are definitely each other’s best friend bc we alway have to tell the other when something good / bad happens.

 

We each are the first person we tell. We truly care about each other and each other’s kids and we truly have a sexual connection as well. Sometimes when he gets backward, he tells me I am lying about my feelings toward him and that I’m just using him for sex. That is so not true. I wouldn’t be risking my entire family and a life I built if I didn’t love him & care about him. I wouldn’t risk it for just sex and fun. I want to fight for him. Is it worth fighting for and keeping up this emotional roller coaster?! Or does his feelings for me really turn off that fast and does he really wants to be split up. I wish I knew.

 

I guess I’m finding myself second guessing his true intentions now. Is he doing it for the sex & only for the thrill? Because how can someone be so in love yet so hurtful, cold and distant within such a short time after being so affectionate. My emotions are all over the place lately that I feel like I’m crazy!

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grass-hopper

We can ask and try and guess and have our theories about why it is these MM act the way they do. But we’ll never get the answer we’re looking for. Because we are dangling on a string reacting to their every move. And that’s really not the way it should be.

 

In reading your story it all sounds really promising and hopeful and like a whirlwind love affair of two people in love who are forbidden to be together because of timing and obligations. But that’s your version of the story. That’s what he wants you to think. That’s the fantasy. It keeps you at his mercy.

 

The reality is it’s just an affair. You are just the other woman.

 

Mine does similar with the hot and cold and up and down. He guilt trips me and blames me for his own made up arguments and he’ll stop talking to me for a night. He jokes too that it’s all just for sex and then tells me he loves me and wants to do this with me forever. And I am just hanging on...

But if he loved me he’d make the sacrifices for me. I would be his priority. He would make it work. No matter the consequences.

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Its difficult, if not impossible, to understand why he does the things he does... It would be pure speculation, really.

But, what you are describing is classic push-pull, he loves me-he loves me not married man behavior... It's all about control and darling, he is asserting that you are not the one in control.

 

I know, you love this guy, but do you really want to live your life with a man who could be so callous and disrespectful with your feelings?

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What_Did_I_Do

I can tell you why; it's the classic case of 'do what I say and not as I do'. So it's ok for him to sleep with his W and not ok for you to be intimate with your H. Quite typical in affairs.

 

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this is the beginning of the end for you. The lovey-dovey heady feelings are starting to be replaced with jealously and (passive-aggressive) demands. The honeymoon phase always ends. At some point one of you will get tired of the drama and walk away...or, a BS will find out about the affair and decisions will be made for you. Either way will be a painful ending.

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Bittersweetie

Fran, I was a MW so I can see where you are coming from. Please take what I say gently.

 

Instead of wasting so much emotional energy on MM and why he does what he does, please take a look at YOU and why you are doing what you are doing.

 

You are cheating and betraying your husband, the father of your children. It doesn't really matter what kind of marriage you have...you are betraying the vows you took, betraying the respect you had for your relationship, betraying the respect you have for yourself. You are betraying your children by having an affair with the dad of their friends...you say it's a small town, do you think no one knows or sees? I've lived in a small town, I know how it is.

 

I am not trying to be harsh but asking you to step back and take a look here at the bigger picture. Is this really how you want to be living your life, is this the person you want to be? A person who cheats and lies, who is invested in another married person? All this mental energy you are spending on MM...who is losing out in that scenario? Where should that energy be focused?

 

Like I said, I've been a MW. It was the worst choice I've ever made and I regret it every day. The destruction I caused to my husband and myself was immense and life-changing. There are many better and healthier ways to cope with stuff in life than an affair.

 

So please, take a look at the bigger picture and instead of focusing on his hot/cold emotional crap, take a look in the mirror. It won't be easy, I know, but please, before things get worse. Good luck.

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You say you want to fight for him?

Why not start to fight for yourself?

Start by leaving your husband and quit living a lie.

If he loves you like you deserve he would do the same.

 

You are in a fantasy, it is like a drug addict who wishes to always be high, who thinks they are their 'real self' only when wasted.

Wake up.

 

In the dream world you have a wild romance, but in reality you are just being treated like a sidepiece. Words are cheap and plentiful.

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Fran20,

 

You say you have history and your children are in some of the same classes and spend time together. This implies that your spouses know each other to some extent.

 

You say his wife is showing a make believe happy life on social media and you know this to be true. This is indicative of someone who is very closely involved with his home life. You may well be close to his family however you aren't always around to hear what they say and do together.

 

You also say, that you both have sex occasionally out of necessity, and this is speculation on your part again where he and his wife are concerned. You might ask then why is he having sex with me? Because you allow it.

 

There isn't a good ending for this , either way, if you get caught or not. you both want your cake and eat it too. I was a single other woman so I don't say these things with judgement only from what I have gathered from your post.

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Thank you all for your opinions and replies. Although I was looking for less criticism of having the affair on the forum, but I do understand where you all are coming from and just trying to help. I ask for opinions, that’s why I finally reached out, just needing to talk about what is going on & my feelings towards MM. I can’t talk to anyone about this because it has to be secret so this was my last resort before I completely break down.

 

I am completely checked out of my marriage. Me and H are nothing alike anymore. Together 20yrs. He is rude, annoying, boring and the one that irritates me the most is he’s so judgmental towards me and our kids. We can’t do anything without being afraid he’ll find out, roll his eyes and complain we did something we didn’t need to do. (Like have fun, heaven forbid!) My kids refuse to ask him if they can go somewhere or have a friend over cause they know the answer. They ask me for everything and to do everything for them. Even the simplest thing like help them with something around the house, it’s always ME! I basically live as a single parent with 3 kids (1 being the H).

 

So that is why I don’t have much guilt, I’m checked out emotionally with him. I know you say it doesn’t matter what kind of marriage I have, that it's no excuse...but the kind of marriage I have is the reason I let this affair happen and why I’m doing what I’m doing, because I don’t care anymore. Is it a valid reason, no, I guess not. No it’s not the person I want to be, but I don’t want to be the miserable person in this marriage either. The person I want to be is the person I am with MM. I’m afraid my kids will grow up to be H just like him and be so unaffectionate and uncaring to their spouses bc that’s how their mom and dad lived.

 

Yes I have talked to my H about this, he doesn’t get it, says that’s how he grew up. I tried to leave about a while ago. My child completely lost it and has been attached to my hip ever since & hates for me to go anywhere alone, afraid I’m leaving. The thing was, I was taking the kids with me, cause they would never stay there with him anyway. He begged me no and told me how much he loved me and things would change, things got better for a couple weeks, he was better, but I was just playing the part, no feelings of awww he loves me or awww he’s sweet and being affectionate. I just didn’t care. Now we’re back to fighting or not talking...which is fine with me. But he is blind, doesn’t even notice it’s fine with me.

 

Anyway, my MM hasn’t spoke to me in 24 hours, I just am in complete shock, I just don’t understand, he was so loving & flirty just days before!! Yes, I can feel the addiction, I absolutely hate this feeling. I don’t know what to do with myself not being in the same routine of talking to him every morning, all day and every night. Idk what to do with myself. Why is it like an addiction?!

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Bittersweetie

Fran, you do not have any control over your MM and what he does. You do not have any control over your H or what he does. The only person you have control over is you. And if you are truly that miserable, then make a change in your life. A healthy change, a change that does not hurt innocent people. A productive change, not one that involves lies and secrets.

 

You say that you want to be the person you are with MM. I will tell you that I am so much happier now than I ever was in the affair. I am happy living my true, authentic self. I am happy not having to lie to my H or worry about secrets coming out. I see now that the person I was with MM was a facade...sunny on the outside but dark and stormy inside. With my A I was just putting band-aids on top of band-aids.

 

I told my H what I'd done and we did reconcile. It was not an easy or quick path. It required a lot of introspection, especially on my part. It required humility and vulnerability. I had to dig deeper than I'd ever done, and like I said, I regret my A every day.

 

Also think about this...it seems you don't want your kids to be like your husband, their father. So do you want them to be like you? Are you modeling positive behavior for them? Healthy coping skills?

 

I'm not trying to attack here...just as someone who has been where you are, I'm asking you to think outside the affair box. But if you truly don't give a crap, then keep doing what you're doing. It's your life and your choices. Good luck.

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Fran, you do not have any control over your MM and what he does. You do not have any control over your H or what he does. The only person you have control over is you. And if you are truly that miserable, then make a change in your life. A healthy change, a change that does not hurt innocent people. A productive change, not one that involves lies and secrets.<snip>.

 

You’re right, that was a bad choice of wording about my kids and their father. He isn’t a bad dad, he works very hard for what they have and they know that. And I am absolutely not setting a good example either, I’m being a terrible person and I don’t like that, but I also am so happy when things are good with MM & me, and it shows in my every day life, I am a better, happier, fun mom when things are good with us. When he ghost and goes cold and picks fights with me I become hateful and short fused and I hate it. Guess that’s the addiction high & lows coming out :(

 

I shouldn’t have said that about them not ending up like him. I just meant the lack emotions he has/shows.

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Fran, you do not have any control over your MM and what he does. You do not have any control over your H or what he does. The only person you have control over is you. And if you are truly that miserable, then make a change in your life. A healthy change, a change that does not hurt innocent people. A productive change, not one that involves lies and secrets..

 

This is good advice. If you are truly unhappy in your marriage, you have the right to divorce. What you do not have the right to do, is to have an affair and hurt innocent people - including your children if you are ever discovered.

 

I can understand why your children would be upset. Divorce is a significant disruption to their little lives and they have never experienced anything that has required these kinds of coping skills. Find a good family counsellor,, this is their opportunity to learn some healthy coping skills and to develop some resiliency. It is possible to divorce and do things that will minimize the disruption to their lives/ make the transitions easier for them. People divorce everyday and the children survive - they thrive because children are resilient! I think if your children had a more mature perspective, as you have, they would rather have a happy, healthy mother who provides a stable home for them - even if it’s not with their father.

 

Just my opinion... Good luck.

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The probl3m is you think your husband not being the husband you want gives you an excuse to do this. It doesn't. You know I was going to jump on and start talking about what you are doing to your husband, but meh,. Sounds like that marriage is dead anyways.

 

Let's talk about your kids and you. You are putting your children in a very precarious position. If their father finds out.... pure chaos. Shouting. Insanity. You thought your husband was bad before.... you haven't seen anything.

 

You could opt for the easier clean divorce and stop the insanity.... or you could wait for everything to blow sky high, taking you children's stability with it. This also sets a bad precedent for your children. Normalized infidelity. It can [mess] with a kids head. Make them question relationships and fearful of having them.

 

On to you. This affair is going to kill you emotionally. Doesn't matter if this guy loves you with the power of a million suns or thinks your just a wet hole. The end is likely the same. Read up on infidelity. Read up on how many of those affair partners stay together. The stats speak for themselves. It's abysmally bad. Like 1 percent. A relationship.... a real one, can't be made on shaky ground.

 

You don't have a real relationship right now. You have a fantasy. Until both of you divorce your spouses and get together in the light of day, you can not claim otherwise. It's all giggles laughs and farting around. Whispering sweet nothing's. There is nothing there. Nothing substantial. No price paid. No sacrifice. No stressers. Its not a real relationship. Its a bright beautiful illusion of one.

 

You have been playing house my dear. That's why [stuff] is now hitting the fan. Things are becoming too real. For him mainly. Stress is setting in. Jealousy. Anger. Hurt feelings. Feeling ignored. Differences of opinion and lifestyle. Thought about the future. Differences in what each of you want. It's all starting to catch up to you.

 

You can let this relationship spiral deeper and deeper into a quagmire of push and pull, love you one day hate you the next bullcrap, that will only get more and more crazy as it begins to affect your kids. Husband. Family. Friends.

 

OR

 

You can say enough. No more scratching by. No more waiting for life to fall apart. Divorce your husband. You don't stay because of the kids or because of finances. Life is too [] short for that.

 

Call this OM out on his [behavior]. He can divorce his wife and start a REAL relationship with you OR he can [go away]. I really recommend you just dump his sorry ass. I can assure you he isn't as great as he probably seems. They never are......

 

Either way no more FAKE life. Fake secret lives destroy you. Take control of your life to the point that you don't feel the need to have a secret life with a man who is also living a secret life. If your relationship can't even survive being known, it's probably not worth the effort of keeping it secret and continuing it to begin with.

 

I honestly think you jumped on here for tips and tricks to figuring out how to win this guy over..... it's not likely you will receive much of that, because most people here had to learn the hard way that Being any combination of the letters, MOW , OW , OM , MOM , is a sure shot recipe for disaster. It only depends on how long that invisible fuse is before BOOM.

 

Cut the fuse. Take control of your life.

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Bittersweetie

Fran, thank you for starting to think about the ramifications of your actions. It's a step in the right direction.

 

Read more stories here; and elsewhere. Adotta is right, things with MM are probably a fantasy. Very, very rarely does an affair work out into a real relationship. There are a few examples on this site, but the majority do not work out. Most end with a lot of pain.

 

We all think our A is different, that we are the ones destined to work out. I had this idea I would see my xAP once a year and we'd have a special weekend. What a load of bull that was...but it was a way for me to tell myself that what I had with xAP was special, and that gave me the rationalization I needed to justify my actions.

 

Maybe reframe this time that your MM is not talking with you...use it as a time to reflect on your actions and what you really want in your life. Use it also to think more rationally about your H...many of us WS (wayward spouses) rewrite history in order to make what we're doing okay. Think about if you're doing that (since in your last post you were like, my H isn't that bad). Our minds will do mental gymnastics in order to justify our actions...try to examine if yours is.

 

Good luck.

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I honestly think you jumped on here for tips and tricks to figuring out how to win this guy over..... it's not likely you will receive much of that, because most people here had to learn the hard way that Being any combination of the letters, MOW , OW , OM , MOM , is a sure shot recipe for disaster. It only depends on how long that invisible fuse is before BOOM.

 

Cut the fuse. Take control of your life.

 

Wow, ummm thanks for the bruitally honest, yet bitter reply. I deserve to hear every bit of it.

 

No, I didn’t come on here for tips & tricks to figure out how to win him over. I came here for opinions and answers from people who are in the same situation I am in. I have no idea what I’m doing, or if these feelings and actions of the MM and my own are a normal process of an A. This is the one and only A I have been in and I am lost on an emotional roller coaster. I have honestly wondered if I would find stories of A’s that lasted and ended up normal relationships. I’m now assuming those are very few and far between.

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somanymistakes

There are a few posters around here who eventually married their affair partners, and one or two who got together with their APs and had a "normal relationship" for a few years until the same problems that led them to cheat in the first place start cropping up in the new relationship.

 

Certainly it can happen, but it's not great odds.

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I also am so happy when things are good with MM & me, and it shows in my every day life, I am a better, happier, fun mom when things are good with us. When he ghost and goes cold and picks fights with me I become hateful and short fused and I hate it. Guess that’s the addiction high & lows coming out :(.

 

Consider this analogy... A woman, emotionally and physically abused by her partner.

 

"When things are good, I'm really happy. Our life is good, our kids are happy, I'm engaged in their lives and we have a lot of fun together. I feel loved by my partner - he is funny, and the sex is great, and I'm really happy... But then, he gets angry and he takes his anger out on me. He picks fights with me, yells and me, he pushes me, and sometimes he hits me - in front of my kids. And then, he won't talk to me for days... I hate that. I withdraw from my children, I lose my temper with them, I'm not present in their lives anymore..."

 

Do the good times make up for the bad times? Would you stay in this relationship? Is it healthy for the children?

 

Does the fact that he gives you a "high" feeling when you are together make up for the anxiety you feel - the anger, the disappointment, and the sadness - that you feel when he is cold and withdrawn?

 

Does the "high" that you feel make up for the fact that you are not completely present with your children when you are thinking about your MM? How much time has been wasted that could have been spent with your children, because it was spent thinking about or spending time with your MM?

 

Will the "high" you feel be more significant than the regret and remorse you will feel if/when your affair is discovered. How will it feel to look into your children's eyes if/when the affair is discovered and their little worlds blow up?

 

Just, food for thought... Perhaps, you should go on over to the getting married section to read the thread from a woman who "got" her MM. They have been together for four years and recently got engaged... The only problem is, her daughter will not talk to her or meet her new fiancé. Affairs have consequences, you think you won't be discovered or your children will understand your reasons why you betrayed your husband and your family... Just wait, you may just learn for yourself...

 

And please know, this is not judgment. It's tough love - a reality check.

 

In your position, I doubt that I would stay in the marriage. I know I would never put up with this kind of manipulative behavior from your MM. But, that's just me...

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georgia girl

I am not going to beat you up but I am likely going to tell you what you don’t want to hear. The reason he is doing this push/pull is that unlike you, he has strong emotional feelings for two partners - you and his spouse. He may very well love you, but I am also convinced he also still loves his wife.

 

Here’s why I think that:

 

1) He goes no contact on his vacations. He is plugged into his family at that time. It’s not that he’s mad at you or couldn’t escape to talk/text. That’s family time and you are an intrusion. And this is despite what he says. Actions speak louder than words.

 

2) While he May very well he jealous of you having sex with your husband, I doubt he’s being honest about sex with his wife (despite what he says) and in fact, it’s a red herring - an excuse to pull away. The fact is if you read posts from some of the guys on this forum and the infidelity forum, they talk about being besotted initially with the other woman and then it gradually fading and them wanting to end the relationship but not knowing how without blowing up their world. In their minds, the other woman begins “pressuring” them for more - more assurance, more promises, more time. And let’s face it, any relationship loses its shine over time.

 

3) He says blunt but mean things to redefine your role in his life. Yes, he takes them back so you assume he didn’t mean those things but he meant the loving things. But ask yourself, in any other courtship, did your partner ever start pulling away and saying you were just friends? Did the relationship survive after that?

 

4) His wife is posting loving things and talking about date nights. Now, maybe it’s not as rosy as she paints, I will give you that. And I am sure he says that he “has” to do it to keep up appearances. Those are the two ends of the spectrum. The truth lies somewhere in the middle and I would suspect that she is being more honest than him about the state of play. You say you adore your kids and are a fun mom when things are good. Isn’t someone who posts happy things on Facebook doing something similar? Showing affection and having fun with a loved one?

 

Here’s the thing: men and women love very differently and value different things in a relationship. Additionally, each individual in the relationship - regardless of sex - feels differently about each other. But because our feelings of love are so strong and so wonderfully powerful, we engage in very active cognitive dissonance. We amplify those things which validate our belief that our partner feels the very same way; we ignore those things which says he doesn’t. We only begin to recognize this when the “facts” are overwhelming that we are wrong. Even then, we don’t want to believe so we amplify more and more. Finally, out of sheer frustration and confusion, we start to question but we skew those questions by stating a foundational belief, “I know he loves me, but why does he...” That’s exactly what you did here. And for this very reason alone, I believe he is pulling away and getting ready to go back to his old life. He loved you - or was very strongly infatuated with you - once. But, like most of our relationships do, unfortunately, it didn’t stand the test of time. He is falling out of love and deep in your heart, you know it and that’s what is causing you so much anxiety.

 

Please hear me: you can’t make him love you. You can’t make him value this relationship differently. Start to focus on yourself and your kids. If it’s time to separate, make a plan with your husband and the two of you work to help your kids adjust. Heal from your broken heart and know that one day, you will love again. We all do. It just takes going through the hurt to find some wonderful new strength about yourself as well as insight into what you want to get you there.

 

GG

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Well... a little update. Or rather I just need to talk and vent and have some sense knocked back into me.

 

He contacted and came back around messaging a lot last week and things were fine, talking a lot and we both initiated conversations about our days, kept each other up to date on what we were doing daily, he shared some family stuff he had been dealing with and as to why he was having some bad days last week. I know that is true, I’ve seen it. He’s out of town (not w/ spouse) so we haven’t seen each other since our day away a few weeks ago but kept up our normal contact mostly all day and night this past week. Called & Skyped as well. He would joking throw the FWB out there every so often, but he was still flirty, sexting and carrying on as things were basically the same with us. So confusing.

 

However, after this weekend (he’s still not home & I wasn’t around my H either but I had friends over and my kids had friends over, his daughter being one of them) he has gone back very limited contact, 3 days ago, boom, stopped starting conversations, stopped replying. No reasons, no explanations, no initiating conversations, no replying to my questions about what is wrong or if everything was ok. He will occasionally reply with an ok once a day in response to me but that’s it. I have no clue what has happened and for the life of me I can’t stand it! It’s making me feel crazy thinking about it.

 

I know you all have said I deserve no reasons, explanations or closure but I’m sorry, I think we do deserve closure or explanations when you’ve spent a year and a half with someone intimately. Affair or not, we’ve still had feelings and emotions. We have talked about if it would ever end, we have said we would not just ghost or text it, we’ve shared too much. I feel like I did something to piss him off and I really don’t think I did. He tells me sometimes I think I’m perfect and I think no fight is ever my fault. I do not think I’m perfect but a lot of times I really don’t know what I do to cause his change in behavior. I wish I could be strong like him and avoid contact or turn feelings and emotions off so easily.

Every little thing reminds me of us together.

 

I know he’ll come back around and message again, he always does. I’m trying to be strong and not text him today and see how long he goes. But it’s killing me not know WHY he’s doing this! I can’t concentrate on work, I can’t focus on a simple task without checking my phone every few minutes. I have always been a huge multi-tasker and able to juggle several things at a time but lately my minds forgetfulness is making my life chaos.

 

I want to tell him to shove it that I can’t deal with this emotional roller coaster anymore but I miss him. He’s my best friend, both intimately and non intimately. He has even brought that up about feeling the same about me.

I don’t want it to end but I hate the ghosting every other week.

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What you deserve has nothing to do with what he will give you.

He will continue to give crumbs, ego kibbles, and garner whatever he can from you whenever he sees fit.

 

It is exactly what he has done so far, and there is nothing surprising or confusing about the consistent repetition of his behavior to an outside observer.

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He contacted and came back around messaging a lot last week and things were fine, talking a lot and we both initiated conversations about our days, kept each other up to date on what we were doing daily, he shared some family stuff he had been dealing with and as to why he was having some bad days last week. I know that is true, IÂ’ve seen it. HeÂ’s out of town (not w/ spouse) so we havenÂ’t seen each other since our day away a few weeks ago but kept up our normal contact mostly all day and night this past week. Called & Skyped as well. He would joking throw the FWB out there every so often, but he was still flirty, sexting and carrying on as things were basically the same with us. So confusing.

 

 

I donÂ’t want it to end but I hate the ghosting every other week.

 

It sounds really childish. This isn't a real thought out relationship. It's two people playing boyfriend girlfriend while they live at home with their real spouse.

 

It's a huge waste of time.

 

Step one: Get a divorce lawyer

Step two: Get a therapist

Step three: Try to grow up.

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Is he doing it for the sex & only for the thrill?

 

Yes. By and large, with some limited exceptions, this is why men have affairs. Absent strong evidence to the contrary (like him leaving his wife/filing for D) any woman involved with a MM should assume "it's just for the sex and thrills" because they will be right orders of magnitude more often than believing "he's doing it because he loves me".

 

Because how can someone be so in love yet so hurtful, cold and distant within such a short time after being so affectionate. My emotions are all over the place lately that I feel like I’m crazy!

 

Because he's not in love. He knows what to say to make you think that he is, but he's not. Men in love move mountains to be with the women they love, they divorce, they lose their kids, their jobs, 1/2 their savings.. And they do it quickly and without remorse because love is so valuable and rare an emotion (at least for me it is). If you're asking "does he love me" the easiest way to figure it out is stop listening to everything he says and look as his actions. Is he putting you first? Taking steps (real steps, not talk) to be with you full time? Cut off anything sexual/physical and tell him you'll keep talking to him, but no orgasms for him until he files D papers. That's another great way to see if this is just for sex or more serious.

 

I know a lot of guys who've had A's. I've never heard a guy say "I love my AP". Ever. It's about sex 100% of the time in my personal experience. If you want to broaden it, someone already posted the stat, but something between 1-3% of A's go on to serious/long term relationships. That's 100 women who all though "he loved me". 98 of those women are dead wrong. The statistics speak for themselves, A's are a terrible place to find love or a lasting relationship and a great place to find sex on the side.

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When I read the op's posts, all I can think is the amount of mental and emotional energy she is wasting.

 

 

OP, wouldn't that time be better spent figuring out what you want to do with your life and then acting on it? All you're doing by staying with this guy is getting more and more attached and wasting more and more time that you won't be able to get back.

 

 

If you are really unhappy in your marriage, then why no take steps to either repair it or exit from it. That way, you'll either be happy in your marriage or on your own. If you're on your own, you will be able to find a guy who is unattached and won't accept poor treatment from your relationship partner because both of you are married.

 

 

 

If you really have to be with this guy and can't wait any longer, call his wife. Let her know what he's been up to. She'll either boot his rear to the curb or he'll be down n his knees begging her for one more chance- who knows...he may even decide to call it quits with her. Either way, you'll know where you stand.

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He’s my best friend, both intimately and non intimately. He has even brought that up about feeling the same about me. I don’t want it to end but I hate the ghosting every other week.

 

Call me naive, but I don't think this is how best friends treat each other. Best friends I've seen and had, are there for each other, support each other, encourage each other to be the best person they can be. There's no ghosting, lying, cheating. But maybe that's just the circles I move in.

 

I agree with Pepperbird, the sheer amount of mental energy you spend on this MM...imagine where you could be right now if you spent that energy on yourself, on making positive changes!

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I was a MW having an affair with a MM. Then, my H and I separated and I still saw MM for a period of time but began to distance myself from MM. Eight months after my separation, MM left his W and, literally, showed up at my house. We embarked on a six year relationship that ended when MW left me for another woman.

 

Affairs are addictive. You live in your own "affair bubble" where everything is perfect and the day-to-day stress of life is left behind. You live for those moments when you get a text or call or visit from MW. And, when you do not get that attention, you feel like your world is falling apart.

 

Your MW sounds like mine. I learned that the unhappy picture he painted of his home life was not true. I also learned that he lied about other aspects of his life. I thought we were so connected, perfect for each other, etc.; but, in reality, I fell for a person that did not exist. It was merely a fallacy created by MM. Oh, and don't think for a minute that no one in your "small town" does not know what is going on.

 

I think most women are caretakers - you care for your spouse, your kids, the house, your job but you view MM as someone who cares for you - but, you are really only fulfilling a need for him and he is using you. Once the emotional roller coaster starts, it never ends until the affair ends.

 

I have no doubt that MM is lying to you about his marriage, about the number of times he has sex with his wife, his feelings, etc. I realize that when he talks to you that he acts sincere and may even shed tears as to how unhappy he is in his marriage. I think he is playing with your emotions as well as playing a head game with you. At the end of each day, MW chooses to return to his wife and family - regardless of the reason given. You will experience much heartache and pain if you continue the affair. You deserve better.

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Call me naive, but I don't think this is how best friends treat each other. Best friends I've seen and had, are there for each other, support each other, encourage each other to be the best person they can be. There's no ghosting, lying, cheating. But maybe that's just the circles I move in.

 

It's also the circles I move in... People who truly love you, don't treat you like this.

 

I have absolutely no idea why you would find it acceptable for him to ghost you in this way. How many more times are you going to need to experience this before you accept that his behavior is selfish, disrespectful, and completely unacceptable.

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