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jadeblossom

I am female.

I am 26.

I am being loved by a married man who is 31.

I love him very much too.

I have been the Other Woman for 4 months.

I don't want to be the Other Woman anymore.

I just yearn for someone to love me openly, care for me openly, be able to marry me when the time is right.

I ended my misery today by asking him to tell me the truth: Would we ever be together?

I heard these words: It's impossible for us to be together. Ever.

I cried.

I heard him say: What I told u just now wasn't something we didn’t know already right?

I felt my heart cringe.

I sobbed somemore.

I know that I have to end this and be strong.

I just need some advice on how.

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Originally posted by jadeblossom

I am female.

I am 26.

I am being loved by a married man who is 31.

I love him very much too.

I have been the Other Woman for 4 months.

I don't want to be the Other Woman anymore.

I just yearn for someone to love me openly, care for me openly, be able to marry me when the time is right.

I ended my misery today by asking him to tell me the truth: Would we ever be together?

I heard these words: It's impossible for us to be together. Ever.

I cried.

I heard him say: What I told u just now wasn't something we didn’t know already right?

I felt my heart cringe.

I sobbed somemore.

I know that I have to end this and be strong.

I just need some advice on how.

 

I'm so sorry.. I heard the same crap from my MM. I had the feeling he was gonna end it.. when I asked him I got 'I have a family, I have kids'. Like he didn't know that before? When we broke up, I thought it was the end of the world. I wanted to die. It took a while, but I got over it. Just walk away. Just keep telling yourself that you deserve better. Someone who'll be there for you. Someone who you can go out in public with. Who you can call at his house. Like I said, it'll be tough, but it's worth it. You're better than that. Just walk away, stop calling him, stop taking his calls. I was with my MM for a year.. and now it's been a lil over a year, and I look back and wonder what the heck I was doing at that time? What was wrong with me? Just stay strong, you'll get through it.

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jb,

its very very hard. i went through the same thing, for months he was talking as though he was going to be with me, if i said i dont want to be responsible for you leaving he would say "but thats my decision, isnt it". eventually there came a point when i said to him "if you didnt want to be married, you wouldnt be" and he said "thats true".

its painful, yes.

my mm and i are now talking occasionally being friendly. he still persisted with me, even came round, but i had to tell him to go and work on his marriage, it was really hard. he has told me recently that he is working on it, and its going well. its what i told him to do and its for the best, so i cant complain.

just try to see the bigger picture for a minute, imagine, even if he did leave, would he stay with you? he would be reeling from the impact of his decision, it would be near impossible for your relationship to work.

it took me a while of nc before i could get to the point that i could talk to him. what made me feel stronger was that instead of losing my respect by continuing the a, i was able to then say "no, i wont do this" what i should have said in the first place.

you can do that, he will be back for more with you, that i can gaurantee. if you now say, "look, in the light of what you have said, i have decided i no longer wish to continue seeing you", then that puts you back in control. the hardest part is knowing you have lost control, he pulls all the strings. once you are in a stronger position, you will then be able to gain some perspective.

i still love my xmm, but from where i am standing now, i can see that it is an impossible situation, and if he can work it out with his wife, then no harm done. every defeat to the ego, leads to a spiritual breakthrough. there's always something to be gained from a situation such as this.

resolve to work on yourself so that you can be the chooser of your future relationships.

((hugs)) to you, i know how painful it feels.

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Originally posted by newbby

jb,

its very very hard. i went through the same thing, for months he was talking as though he was going to be with me, if i said i dont want to be responsible for you leaving he would say "but thats my decision, isnt it". eventually there came a point when i said to him "if you didnt want to be married, you wouldnt be" and he said "thats true".

its painful, yes.

my mm and i are now talking occasionally being friendly. he still persisted with me, even came round, but i had to tell him to go and work on his marriage, it was really hard. he has told me recently that he is working on it, and its going well. its what i told him to do and its for the best, so i cant complain.

just try to see the bigger picture for a minute, imagine, even if he did leave, would he stay with you? he would be reeling from the impact of his decision, it would be near impossible for your relationship to work.

it took me a while of nc before i could get to the point that i could talk to him. what made me feel stronger was that instead of losing my respect by continuing the a, i was able to then say "no, i wont do this" what i should have said in the first place.

you can do that, he will be back for more with you, that i can gaurantee. if you now say, "look, in the light of what you have said, i have decided i no longer wish to continue seeing you", then that puts you back in control. the hardest part is knowing you have lost control, he pulls all the strings. once you are in a stronger position, you will then be able to gain some perspective.

i still love my xmm, but from where i am standing now, i can see that it is an impossible situation, and if he can work it out with his wife, then no harm done. every defeat to the ego, leads to a spiritual breakthrough. there's always something to be gained from a situation such as this.

resolve to work on yourself so that you can be the chooser of your future relationships.

((hugs)) to you, i know how painful it feels.

 

Isn't it weird how they all say the same thing? My exMM said everything he said to you to me word for word. When I was getting depressed because he wasn't spending as much time with me as he once had, he even made me feel guilty, 'I hate hurting you, I hate seeing you upset' were his words for that. They're charmers I tell ya.

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it is wierd, yeah. i mean you can understand how their actions might be the same, but the words you would think might vary somewhat. mine never said he hated seeing me upset though, then again, i never told him i was upset, he would say "am i messing your head up?", but i thought he would be delighted if i said "yes", so i didnt.

a couple of times i said i was falling for him big time, and he looked really pleased, you would think that would make them scared wouldnt you? they seem to share the hungry ego's too.

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I don't mean to be cruel but why do you date a married man and then get mad when you get hurt? The man is already cheating on his wife so why do you expect anything better when it comes to you?

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I don't mean to be cruel but why do you date a married man and then get mad when you get hurt? The man is already cheating on his wife so why do you expect anything better when it comes to you?

 

 

did you copy and paste this from another thread?

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Originally posted by newbby

did you copy and paste this from another thread?

No. They are my own thoughts.

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isnt it wierd how they all say the same thing? ;)

 

well, to answer your question, emotions dont come in black and white

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Originally posted by newbby

isnt it wierd how they all say the same thing? ;)

 

well, to answer your question, emotions dont come in black and white

 

True but some common sense needs to come into play.

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Regardless of what type of relationship you had, the only focus now should be getting over the relationship. Advice to anyone that's recently ended a relationship would apply and could be helpful to you. My suggestion would be to not limit yourself to the OW/OM section of this forum; There are many posts in other areas with information that others have used in order to overcome the pain of an ending relationship.

 

Now is not the time to worry about why and how you found yourself in this situation. The time is to figure out how you can overcome it and find your inner strength. Once you do that, then you will be in a position to look back on your life and decide if you made any mistakes and if you did, how you won't make them again.

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cheatersrsad
Woggle, haven't you ever heard the expression; Love is blind... ?

 

Yes it can be...but let's no start saying that love is an adulterous, cheating fink that gets sucked in and has no clue. These OW are annoying because they actually get hurt when their MM tell them they have no intention of breaking up their happy home and runing their childrens' lives for them. Go figure.

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Would it not be simpler if we were to bash all adulterous married men instead of bashing the OW, cheatersrad? :rolleyes: OWs in general are not the ones who pick the married men - they would prefer in most cases that he was single.

If a married man prefers to have multiple partners, he should not have made a commitment to any partner at all. But of course the sanctity of marriage, means that we must blame the outside influence :rolleyes:

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cheatersrsad

d'Arthez...

Would it not be simpler if we were to bash all adulterous married men instead of bashing the OW, cheatersrad? OWs in general are not the ones who pick the married men - they would prefer in most cases that he was single. If a married man prefers to have multiple partners, he should not have made a commitment to any partner at all. But of course the sanctity of marriage, means that we must blame the outside influence

 

Since the poster is the OW I addressed her. However, I couldn't agree with you more. Of course the TWO of them together are cheats who care more about themselves than the others they hurt. Your statement that OW's in general do not pick married men may be true - but how in God's green earth do millions of other woman manage to meet and date NON-married men. Either some of these women have REALLY bad luck or they are looking to be treated a certain way at any cost - and red flags popping up everywhere.

 

 

The sanctity of marriage doesn't mean to me that we blame the OW rather than the MM. That's silly. The person who took the vows needs to answer to their partner.

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But they didn't come here to be judged. I'm sure they get enough of that from just about everyone they know. They come here to get advice from other people who have been in the same situation.

 

If you have nothing constructive to add, why are you addressing her at all?

 

Is it some sort of surrogate method of getting back at the people who hurt you?

 

It would be great if everyone did the smart/correct thing all of the time, but unfortunately we have to live in the real world where people make mistakes and usually try to learn from them.

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Originally posted by d'Arthez

Would it not be simpler if we were to bash all adulterous married men instead of bashing the OW, cheatersrad? :rolleyes: OWs in general are not the ones who pick the married men - they would prefer in most cases that he was single.

If a married man prefers to have multiple partners, he should not have made a commitment to any partner at all. But of course the sanctity of marriage, means that we must blame the outside influence :rolleyes:

 

the married man is the most guilty party but women who go for these men should not be surpised when they get burned. A person who sticks their hand in a pirahna tank should not be shocked when their hand gets bitten. Same theory applies to women that after married men. The only true victims in these cases are the man's wife and family.

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Originally posted by Woggle

the married man is the most guilty party but women who go for these men should not be surpised when they get burned. A person who sticks their hand in a pirahna tank should not be shocked when their hand gets bitten. Same theory applies to women that after married men. The only true victims in these cases are the man's wife and family.

 

So are you suggesting that anyone who got burned, should be shot at? Or should receive help, to treat the wounds? I know Americans have a strange Health System in the opinion of many Europeans, but suggesting the first is a bit extreme.

 

Whomever comes for support deserves it. It does not mean you are not allowed to caution a person that he or she is about to make a mistake. But you don't have to make them feel like cr*p either for their decisions either. If you come for support, it is in general because your life is not perfect.

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jadeblossom

Thanks everyone, for the encouragement and support. I feel so very alone at this moment, even though I do have family and friends close by. I came to this forum because I know everyone here knows exactly what it’s like to be in this position. It brings you a really deep and harsh kind of pain that is indescribable. It was not easy to come to the conclusion yesterday. It’s only been 6 months that me and my MM were involved and yet it felt as if it had been forever. I tried to end it many times, but I got sucked in every time. He wouldn’t let me go even though I told him it was wrong and he had a wife and child. I asked him so many times if he was gonna get a divorce and always I got the same reply “Divorce is not easy.” And yet, so many times he came to me telling me that he has no feelings for his wife anymore, etc etc.

 

I’ve had enough. Erika2610 as you say…. I just want someone to be able to love me openly, that I can call whenever I want. I don’t want to have to decide which restaurant to eat at based on whether it’s “safe” to be there at that hour. I’ve had to do that for 6 months and I’m sick and tired of it. I know I’m better than that. I know I deserve better.

 

I know I’ve gotta go out there, force myself to do other things and not dwell on this. The issue is just getting up the mental strength for that.

 

Woggle, well, yes, I do blame myself too for “sticking my hand into the piranha tank”. Not trying to make excuses but sometimes circumstances lead to certain things happening. In my case, we had been good friends for a very long time. I knew he was married, he knew I had a boyfriend. There was a clear line drawn between us for 2 years. Then after 2 years, I guess we had a strong base for our friendship and there was a void in both of us that only each other could fill. It was a subconscious thing. We didn’t willfully go out to seek it. It’s just like, for example, if you see an old friend hurting and you know you can offer some comfort and a listening ear as a friend, and if you yourself are hurting, and he offers you comfort. After awhile, you both depend on each other and that’s where the feelings grow. I’m not trying to make excuses or justify my actions because I knew it was wrong, and I wanted to stop it everyday for 6 months but it was very hard. We both clung to each other because only each other could fill the other’s void.

 

But that is not an excuse to have an affair and this time I’ve put my foot down. That emotional void which is in me, I have to fix it on my own and not depend on another person to fill it for me.

 

Thanks all, for your thoughts and support. I just hope I can get through the next few months. It’s so difficult because I see him everyday at work.

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ThumbingMyWay
Originally posted by jadeblossom

........and this time I’ve put my foot down. That emotional void which is in me, I have to fix it on my own and not depend on another person to fill it for me.

 

this is exactly what you need to do.

 

be strong

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jadeblossom

I just keep getting sucked back in... today he told me how he doesn't have feelings for his wife anymore... he said he keeps struggling with how much he wants to be with me. I don't know what to do, very confused. :(

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:eek: i know,

its so hard, they are such a**h***s. they will say anything to keep you as their side piece.

they really dont care about anyone but themselves in this.

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Originally posted by jadeblossom

I just keep getting sucked back in... today he told me how he doesn't have feelings for his wife anymore... he said he keeps struggling with how much he wants to be with me. I don't know what to do, very confused. :(

 

If he didn't have feelings for her anymore, then why is he with her? This man is playing head games with you sweetie.. I know it's hard, because apparently you work with him as well, but you'll get through it, I have no doubt you will :) I went through the same thing. I worked with him for maybe 2 years before we got together, and then another 6 months after we broke up. It was tough, but I worked through it, knowing I deserved better. Just stay strong. You'll come out of it a better and stronger person.

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Originally posted by jadeblossom

I just keep getting sucked back in... today he told me how he doesn't have feelings for his wife anymore... he said he keeps struggling with how much he wants to be with me. I don't know what to do, very confused. :(

 

If you walk away now, at least you'll have your dignity, because YOU'RE the one that left. It'll be one of the hardest things you do.. but it's worth it. Start going out, have fun. Start looking for that single guy who'll treat you like you deserve to be treated. Walk away now, because if you wait, it'll just be that much harder. It'll be worth it, it will. When I was with my MM, it was the most stress I think I've ever been through. Always wondering if she knew about me, if she knew who I was. Cars that would go by my house, I'd wonder if they were her. Everyday my car was being vandalized.. it was horrible. Now, even though I'm single, (which sucks sometimes :)) I feel a million times better. When we broke up, I thought I was gonna die. It was horrible. But eventually, I started going out with my girlfriends, and moving on.. and I started getting over it. Be strong.

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Hold your head up high and walk away. I have been the OW once and I will never EVER do it again. I find it all very degrading, and I can't stand men who want to have their cake and eat it too. I know we can't help who we fall in love with, but we can take steps and make choices to try and avoid falling for those that are already taken. Besides, if he did leave his wife for you, do you honestly think that it would be ONLY you forever? :(

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