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Leaving an affair is more painful than staying in one


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So I ended my A over a month ago. I felt like a huge weight was lighted off my shoulders that I finally off the roller coster ride of emotions. I started wanting more than he can give

 

 

He would always make excuses to come to my place go to your place.. he won't spring for a hotel.. Been stood up few times because something would come at last minute at work since he could only see me during work hours.We would have sex in the bushes or car .He also stopped communicating with me outside his work hours. So I finally ended it

 

 

I thought I would be happier but I find letting him go is more painful than staying and deal with daily frustration of being the OW.I find myself thinking about him all the time and missing him even though the relationship was unhealthy and my needs were not being met? I feel an urge to go back to him but I won't act on my feelings

 

 

Can anyone related

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Wildflower201

I can definitely relate. I was going to start a thread of my own, but I saw yours.

 

My family has reached their capacity in dealing with my thoughts and questions about the ending of my affair. We have a one year old son and MM has just dropped us both.

 

There are days when I feel okay, and I am glad I don't have to wait to hear from MM. Other days, I feel hopeless. I know that even beyond our relationship being an affair, he was abusive, but there are days that I can't remember the bad and I only miss him.

 

My sister called me desperate for wanting to understand how MM can treat me and our son the way that he does. She said that I should just accept that he doesn't want me or our son and move on. It's not that simple, and I guess people who haven't experienced it can't understand.

 

I know the feelings are complex. You aren't alone. I hope that it gets better for both of us.

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You're just lonely for a man. I would suggest getting out there and meeting new people (men). Keep thinking of how disrespectful he was in the way he treated you, not springing for a hotel, having sex in the bushes or a car, c'mon girl you're better than that. Find you a man who will treat you like his Queen.

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I definitely can relate.

 

But leaving is the only way to make things better. Staying only guarantees you'll be stuck in misery, waiting for those few moments of happiness that pop up once in a while.

 

Every time you start missing him and remembering the things you loved about him, redirect your thoughts to the reasons you felt you had to end it. All the unhappy moments, the painful ones, the things he did or said that made you feel bad about yourself. I'm sure those far outnumber the good things.

 

It's just going to take time, way more than you want it to take. I look at it as the price for allowing myself to get so hung up on someone who wasn't ever mine. Learn the lesson and never repeat it.

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I can definitely relate. I was going to start a thread of my own, but I saw yours.

 

My family has reached their capacity in dealing with my thoughts and questions about the ending of my affair. We have a one year old son and MM has just dropped us both.

 

There are days when I feel okay, and I am glad I don't have to wait to hear from MM. Other days, I feel hopeless. I know that even beyond our relationship being an affair, he was abusive, but there are days that I can't remember the bad and I only miss him.

 

My sister called me desperate for wanting to understand how MM can treat me and our son the way that he does. She said that I should just accept that he doesn't want me or our son and move on. It's not that simple, and I guess people who haven't experienced it can't understand.

 

I know the feelings are complex. You aren't alone. I hope that it gets better for both of us.

 

 

How long has it been since you broke it?How long were you together for?

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Wildflower201
How long has it been since you broke it?How long were you together for?

 

 

We said goodbye on August 9th. I broke NC once last week to ask if he was going to go to court over our son. He sent back "No" a few hours later. We have been on and off relationship wise for about 15 years. The affair lasted three, almost four years.

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We said goodbye on August 9th. I broke NC once last week to ask if he was going to go to court over our son. He sent back "No" a few hours later. We have been on and off relationship wise for about 15 years. The affair lasted three, almost four years.

 

 

I see..For me it lasted 1.5 years.I have no idea how I made it this far .I went in with the expectation that he was leaving his partner but it became more clear as the time went on that he never intended to leave.I got sucked into it and he became a habit /crutch .

 

 

However, I knew for while that I was putting off the inevitable but I could never find the heart to make break despite how little I was getting out the A.I finally asked myself if I wanted to be in the same 5 years from now or more since he isn't leaving ? That's what finally made me snap out of it..Now if I could just forget him

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Wildflower201
I see..For me it lasted 1.5 years.I have no idea how I made it this far .I went in with the expectation that he was leaving his partner but it became more clear as the time went on that he never intended to leave.I got sucked into it and he became a habit /crutch .

 

 

However, I knew for while that I was putting off the inevitable but I could never find the heart to make break despite how little I was getting out the A.I finally asked myself if I wanted to be in the same 5 years from now or more since he isn't leaving ? That's what finally made me snap out of it..Now if I could just forget him

 

It was extremely difficult to go the three years in an affair. I felt like less and less of a person. This past year MM talked about no longer wanting to be married yet here I am.

 

I've often said I don't want to be in the same place a year from now. I guess I should be grateful because I won't be.

 

I completely understand where you are. Knowing logically that being done is better for the long run, but in the moment having that person on your mind. I'm trying to find a scientific method to forget him.

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Starswillshine

Keep repeating to yourself "the only way out is through. " Yes, it is more painful leaving than staying, but if you stay, you'll never experience real happiness. This is your only hope.

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Most of us can relate, even in non-affairs.

 

Breaking up is difficult. Even if you know the relationship isn't good or a dead-end, it can take a while break the attachment and when loneliness sets in you can start feeling afraid, idealizing the former relationship and forgetting the bad and start thinking it wasn't so bad after all or you'll never feel that way again or find anyone else and all that because the current pain of breaking the addiction hurts.

 

But it's not true. These feelings will pass. Believe me. And when you're on the other side you'll be very thankful. It's also much better to make the choice to leave than continue and continue and be mistreated and undervalued and then have him end up breaking it off with you....the pain of that will be even worse.

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i think staying is worse. for me i got so unwell wasnt heathy. till i told his wife and affir ended took ages to come right but i have move forward. i guess its like lossing someone in death where u have to moan. moan the affair

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It's also much better to make the choice to leave than continue and continue and be mistreated and undervalued and then have him end up breaking it off with you....the pain of that will be even worse.

 

This is also one of the reason what motivated me to leave. I guess self-preservation. Also if his wife were to find out then he would most likely throw me under the buss. So I was essentially felt like I was in ticking time bomb situation

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grass-hopper

I can relate and that is likely why ending it has been so hard for me. I’m afraid to go through the pain. I realized more recently that i avoid anything and everything emotionally painful. I always have. That may be why I’m still in an unhappy marriage or why I have yet to grieve the death of my grandmother who was like a mother to me.

My affair is nowhere near happy. He makes me feel awful about myself. I feel inferior to him, I feel physically unattractive around him because of what he says about my appearance. I doubt myself because of how he twists my words. Anytime I talk to him I don’t feel good about myself. But I hold onto his attention as it’s the only thing in the world. So that leaves me to question, is ending it really more painful than staying? Likely not but my heart says it will be.

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I can relate and that is likely why ending it has been so hard for me. I’m afraid to go through the pain. I realized more recently that i avoid anything and everything emotionally painful. I always have. That may be why I’m still in an unhappy marriage or why I have yet to grieve the death of my grandmother who was like a mother to me.

My affair is nowhere near happy. He makes me feel awful about myself. I feel inferior to him, I feel physically unattractive around him because of what he says about my appearance. I doubt myself because of how he twists my words. Anytime I talk to him I don’t feel good about myself. But I hold onto his attention as it’s the only thing in the world. So that leaves me to question, is ending it really more painful than staying? Likely not but my heart says it will be.

 

Hey ,I remember reading your post a while back.Just of curiosity ,how long have been in the A ? Does he meet your emotional and social needs? Are you single or already married to someone else?

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grass-hopper
Hey ,I remember reading your post a while back.Just of curiosity ,how long have been in the A ? Does he meet your emotional and social needs? Are you single or already married to someone else?

 

We’re going on a year and a half. We used to work together but I made the step to change jobs a few weeks ago to hopefully distance from him.

He definitely does not meet my emotional or social needs. It’s all what’s convenient to him. When he calls. When he texts. When he wants to see me. He’s predictable. He doesn’t disappear for days. He puts forth the effort.

 

It’s inspiriong that you say you feel a weight lifted off your shoulders and the roller coaster has come to a halt. How intense is the missing and constant thinking?

Was he ok with you ending it?

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We’re going on a year and a half. We used to work together but I made the step to change jobs a few weeks ago to hopefully distance from him.

He definitely does not meet my emotional or social needs. It’s all what’s convenient to him. When he calls. When he texts. When he wants to see me. He’s predictable. He doesn’t disappear for days. He puts forth the effort.

 

It’s inspiriong that you say you feel a weight lifted off your shoulders and the roller coaster has come to a halt. How intense is the missing and constant thinking?

Was he ok with you ending it?

 

The first few days of ending it , I felt liberated but now a week later all the hurt feelings that I felt have faded away and I've been missing him.It's pretty intense to point were i'm now tempted to go back and see him one more time even though I know it won't be a good idea.So I can definitely sympathise with you. It's like an addition

 

 

He didn't want it to end but he understood that he can't give me a proper relationship and told he will miss our time together and left the door open by saying I can still hit him up sometime since I still have his number. We were together for a year and half too

 

 

Have you tried ending it before and got sucked back in over the course of the A ?

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t's pretty intense to point were i'm now tempted to go back and see him one more time even though I know it won't be a good idea.

 

When you feel this way, remember your reality with him. It wasn't fulfilling, it wasn't happy, it wasn't respectful, etc. He gave you nothing. I am posting what you wrote in your other thread. You need to focus on the reality versus romanticizing him.

"I've been with an MM for a year and we yet gone out on date nor has he been at my place --he always have excuses as to why he can't and there's always next time.

He always wants to meet for sex during his work hours in the woods/bushes close by his work. I'm the one always driving to his work so we can meet on his lunch time..Would love to go for walks but he always has an excuse to go after sex is over .I'm ready to end it"

 

Does your MM wine and dine you or is always about sex?

 

He didn't want it to end but he understood that he can't give me a proper relationship and told he will miss our time together and left the door open by saying I can still hit him up sometime since I still have his number. We were together for a year and half too

 

Of course he didn't want to end it. He was going to lose sex. He wasn't going to miss you but what you were able to provide him. You need to start grasping the fact that this man never cared for you in the way that you wanted and hoped for and I truly believe you don't miss him but you miss the feelings of being loved and cared for.

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grass-hopper

Have you tried ending it before and got sucked back in over the course of the A ?

 

Yes we’ve both tried to end it but neither one of us has been able to let go. I now understand why NC is essential. I just don’t know how to do it. I mean it’s pretty simple to just block I understand that part.

How do you stop yourself from contacting him?

 

That “just one more time” will lead to another so try to be strong and don’t do it. I’ve been there. Like you said it’s an addiction, you’ll want another “just one more”.

 

Our MM are alike in the sense that they don’t put in effort to come to us. Mine expected me to come to him always. And the excuses to go after sex. I don’t understand how we just allow them to treat us this way and we’re still wanting them. I’m sure if it was our friend telling us this same story we’d tell them to dump the guy, that’s shes too good for that. Why do we allow ourselves to be treated the way we do knowing full and well what kind of man we have? It’s crazy.

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Found it easier to leave/get over when nuking it like notifying the spouse, etc. Still painful but breaking emotional attachments of healthy humans are generally painful. I'd be more worried if feeling nothing.

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Yes we’ve both tried to end it but neither one of us has been able to let go. I now understand why NC is essential. I just don’t know how to do it. I mean it’s pretty simple to just block I understand that part.

How do you stop yourself from contacting him?

 

That “just one more time” will lead to another so try to be strong and don’t do it. I’ve been there. Like you said it’s an addiction, you’ll want another “just one more”.

 

Our MM are alike in the sense that they don’t put in effort to come to us. Mine expected me to come to him always. And the excuses to go after sex. I don’t understand how we just allow them to treat us this way and we’re still wanting them. I’m sure if it was our friend telling us this same story we’d tell them to dump the guy, that’s shes too good for that. Why do we allow ourselves to be treated the way we do knowing full and well what kind of man we have? It’s crazy.

 

Well for us our contact in between meet ups gradually became less over time to point when I stopped hearing from him when he's at home.I eventually just adjusted to less contact over time. I even felt indifferent at times about getting scraps of his time.

 

Now that it's starting to set in that it's over, I'm starting feel afraid and start missing him...but I'm trying to remind myself why I ended it. My head and my heart are just conflicting. I hope this moment will pass

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grass-hopper
Well for us our contact in between meet ups gradually became less over time to point when I stopped hearing from him when he's at home.I eventually just adjusted to less contact over time. I even felt indifferent at times about getting scraps of his time.

 

Now that it's starting to set in that it's over, I'm starting feel afraid and start missing him...but I'm trying to remind myself why I ended it. My head and my heart are just conflicting. I hope this moment will pass

 

I hope to adjust to the less contact over time like you have. Because I know it eventually will come. That less contact is one of my fears. Because right now it’s predictable. He calls/texts all the time.

 

I think that as time passes Mizz Layta the missing and remembering will fade and be less intense. Keep reminding yourself of all the bad things and try to stay away from the good memories. You’re already ahead of the game, no turning back now. You’re not alone!

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I concur with Zahara on this one.

 

You'll have to fight not to romanticize this paltry situation. Sometimes, you may not be able to help yourself from doing it, but you must fight to limit the romanticizing. Your MM is living his real life, with his wife, and he has kept you apart from it on purpose. Please remember what led you to cut contact in the first place. For those who have not cut contact, please remember why you are contemplating cutting contact. You did not arrive at this decision in a vacuum.

 

If you stop and then restart contact, you will likely find yourself in an even worse position. Read this forum; the evidence for this conclusion is there.

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I hope to adjust to the less contact over time like you have. Because I know it eventually will come. That less contact is one of my fears. Because right now it’s predictable. He calls/texts all the time.

 

I think that as time passes Mizz Layta the missing and remembering will fade and be less intense. Keep reminding yourself of all the bad things and try to stay away from the good memories. You’re already ahead of the game, no turning back now. You’re not alone!

 

 

Your MM sounds like he puts a bit of effort to stay in touch than my xMM. I mean , he did in the beginning but once the novelty wore off contact became less friend to point were to was non exist in between meet ups.Which gave me the strength to finally end it .

 

I wouldn't have the strength to end it if was willing at least to make me feel special or hang out and do other things that show I'm being valued beyond sex on delivery.

 

 

Does your MM ever talk about your future? Do you think he has any intention of leaving his wife? Does he ever say he plans to?

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I concur with Zahara on this one.

 

You'll have to fight not to romanticize this paltry situation. Sometimes, you may not be able to help yourself from doing it, but you must fight to limit the romanticizing. Your MM is living his real life, with his wife, and he has kept you apart from it on purpose. Please remember what led you to cut contact in the first place. For those who have not cut contact, please remember why you are contemplating cutting contact. You did not arrive at this decision in a vacuum.

 

If you stop and then restart contact, you will likely find yourself in an even worse position. Read this forum; the evidence for this conclusion is there.

 

 

You're right...While I'm now missing him, I don't plan to actually get back in contact and resume the A.I will just go back on square one because eventually I have to leave him again since this comes with an expiration date

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We used to work together but I made the step to change jobs a few weeks ago to hopefully distance from him.

 

Good for you!

 

No, he most definitely was meeting your needs... I hope you find someone single who will. Good luck.

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