Saw ex and messed up - he has gf so now what?

[Ronco]

My ex (who currently has a giflfriend) and I dated 25 years ago and during our 2.5 years together, he never said he loved me even though we had a great and intense relationship. He's very anti commitment and has had many relationships (prior and since me) of the same nature. I left him finally (23 years ago) thanks to meeting my ultimate husband who I was happily married to for 20 years. Of course, once I had met my husband back then, my ex sent me a letter professing his love (that he had never said) but it was too late - my husband was amazing and made me forget my ex. Throughout my entire marriage though, my ex and i stayed in touch and always caught up on our lives via email and messenger. I had 2 children with my husband and he had 2 more serious relationships (including the one he is in now) but he never married.

 

My husband sadly died 2 years ago. He had always wanted me to get closure with my ex for how he treated me so I reached out to him finally a few months back. My ex and I live a 4 hour drive away and I was to be in his town so we set a date to meet so I could talk with him and again, gain this closure I needed all these years later.

 

Last week my ex and I finally met and had a wonderful dinner and I laid it all out - how he never told me he loved me, treated me not like he should have, how much I loved him but that my husband had taken me away from it all and I told my ex what a wonderful life I had with my husband and kids. He apologized which was nice to hear and gave me the closure I was looking for. My ex and I had drinks after dinner (a full and long night) and a great time (it was like when we were dating - great time, very connected, etc) and when we left the restaurant he kissed me. I was staying over in town with friends (not him) so left him that evening after the kissing.

 

The next day, he took me to the beach (I had no plan for this - he contacted me to tell me to come over as I was planning to go to the beach myself) and we spent a wonderful second day together. He does not live with his current girlfriend (of 11 years, mind you) which is strange so he is alone during the week and he sees her every weekend. He lives 40 miles from her and said he felt he soon would have to sell his house and marry her (like it was a chore). Again, weird after 11 years of their arrangement.

 

After the beach, he kissed me again at his house and we fooled around. I left after and felt horrible. Before I left, I told him jokingly that he would miss me and he said he knew he would and he seemed sad I was going.

 

It's been a few days since I'm back at my house and I'm sad. I will NOT reach out to him and do not expect to hear from him but feel that now he used me. I am sure he is thinking about it all, and me, but I don't know if I should just chock it up to being dumb and try to forget him, or what. I could even see a happy future with him like we had for the 2.5 years (the relationship was actually quite good, fun, passionate, etc, even though he could not commit to me), but deep down know it's probably a pipe dream. I don't see him ever leaving his gf.

 

Anyone have any thoughts on this story? Crazy as it is, do you think he's thinking of me? He went to see his gf the day after he and I were together - wonder what that was like Oh and he is also 14 years older than me, but his gf is a year older than him - I'm in my early 50s and he and his gf are in their mid 60s so I was shocked he was so bold to initiate the physical stuff. Not that he was too old, just after such a long time with his girlfriend, I was surprised he made the moves on me.

 

Thank you for reading this if you have and helping I appreciate all thoughts and advice

[Zahara]

So this guy has always been ambivalent in his relationships, even when he was with you back then. He's ambivalent with his girlfriend he's been dating for 11 years and only sees her during weekends. He's cheated on his girlfriend with you and I can bet my bottom dollar he's been with other women and not just you. What's changed about him?

 

You can see a happy future with this man? A man that to this day cannot exhibit commitment? A man that has no problems cheating? You really believe that what you once had with him is the foundation of a strong relationship and indicative of what you could have with him now?

 

You need to wake up. You were available to him for some fun and he took it. Plus, do you really want to be with someone that's a cheater. Do you not even think that he would also likely do it to you one day? You need to start thinking, stop romanticizing and idealizing the man and take him down from the pedestal that he's been on for way too long.

[BTDT2012]

He didn't use you. You made yourself available, knowing his situation. He's a rolling stone.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I have thoughts on this. First, I'm sorry for the loss of your husband. You are going to get a lot of comments about how the ex was using you, who knows, I would think he is sad and old, mid 60s you say? 15 years from now if a hot 50 year old calls you up remembering you fondly as a hot young thing, it would probably stroke your ego too. I am sure they are not lining up at your ex's door.

 

But the more important thing is this - you are a recent widow. And as such, you are grieving and lonely and reaches out for what is familiar and comfortable, namely, the old ex man. Chalk it up for what it and was. You still got it, you are young honey. Don't waste it on this old guy. Get out there and live your life, however you want it to be. There are tons of new men to meet.

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy hasn't changed a bit since he was a commitment-averse youngun' 25 years ago. He clearly still is.

 

You need to knock him off the pedestal you have him on, and see him for who he really is. He is a dishonest cheater. And I can nearly promise you you're not the first and only woman he's been unfaithful with. He's too comfortable with cheating for this to be his first experience. He is your typical smooth-talker who knows how to get a woman into bed. It worked. So while he is probably thinking about you, it's likely not a unique experience for him so he'll do what most cheaters do: compartmentalize and brush the memory of you under the rug until the next time he wants some side action. You're wondering how it went when he saw his partner the next day - the answer is that it was probably fine. He doesn't place enough value on you or her to ruffle him up too much.

 

I'm not sure why you see a happy future with him; I would not trust this dude as far as I could throw him. You would wind up just like his current girlfriend.

 

It's time you let go of the fantasy, OP. This won't have a happy ending for you.

Edited August 21, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[Ronco]

Thank you all - I knew that these would be the responses I would get and I appreciate them and you all. His silence is telling that he is an ass still and has no regard for me or his gf. I agree with Midnight Blues that he is sad and old and I also doubt there is a lot of action going on now with other women but who knows and honestly it's besides the point.

 

During our time together, he and I spoke of a hs reunion I have next month up there again and having dinner again so knowing how our relationship is, he is likely expecting me to contact him for that. Not sure if I should call/email and explain I'm done or just leave it alone?

 

When we were together at dinner, he handed me an adorable picture of us from 24 years ago (shocked he had it), and he seemed genuinely happy to be with me so I was thrown back to the past. Was surprised he had things all planned out but as you all said, he saw a pretty young woman from his past and took advantage. Wish I didn't miss him and believe me, I can get a date (I am very attractive - I think it surprised him how good I looked) so this isn't about me not knowing that. He and I just connect well but as many of you said, he likely isn't caring about me or her for that matter. Just goes with the wind...

 

I also know that the loss of my husband may be a part of that and I am attempting to get a therapist. Need to work through it all.

 

Thanks again and any comments on how to finalize this would be appreciated - contact and tell him I won't be seeing him again or just never reach out again (and I'm guessing he eventually will once he realizes I'm not)...

 

Thanks!

[Zahara]

Not sure if I should call/email and explain I'm done or just leave it alone?

 

Thanks again and any comments on how to finalize this would be appreciated - contact and tell him I won't be seeing him again or just never reach out again (and I'm guessing he eventually will once he realizes I'm not)...

 

Thanks!

 

Personally, I would not reach out to him again. There is no need to finalize anything because nothing happened other than the fact that he did a quick fly by. Moving on is for you and you don't have to announce it.

 

Since you are still enamored by him, I would suggest deleting his contact and blocking him because men like him will often swing by again when they have to satisfy a need. You don't want to risk getting roped back in again.

[BTDT2012]

Leave it alone.

[misspalmy]

be thankfull u dont have to relive that life xx

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not reach out to him again.

 

If he for some reason gets in touch with you, simply explain you cannot go out with a guy who has a girlfriend and to please not contact you anymore.

 

He's a jerk, and not what you need in the aftermath of losing your husband. When you are truly ready to get back out there, you want to be in the right frame of mind to run like the wind from men such as your ex. You deserve a hell of a lot better.

[Ronco]

So, a week after seeing the ex, he wrote me a long letter. I had not reached out to him at all. In the letter, he implied he couldn't be with me due to his situation w his gf (I never asked for a relationship so I was like, what?) and some other weird things. Said he wanted me to know what he was thinking. I ignored the letter and he sent an email 4 days later saying he reread the letter and realized it was confusing. I asked what did he really want to say and he replied with nice things about how our seeing each other rattled him and how fun and exciting our time together was. Anyways, I replied and said we needed to talk. We had a 2 hour call last night and it's apparent he isn't leaving his gf even though I can tell its a weird relationship (doesn't see to be lots of passion or energy in it) and that he is no doubt in love with me. He said he has never cheated on her before (except for me - I strangely enough believe this based on our own past relationship 23 years ago) but based on our history, he puts me in a different bucket (which appears to be ok...not...). He even implied we would fool around again if we see each other. We didn't really close anything off but I'm glad we talked and even though I'm sad and miss him, I can tell now that this situation with me is killing him and I'm glad. Let him spend the next 20 years pining over me and go back to his boring relationship. I live 4 hours away so can't see him regularly unless I visit my family which is near him so I won't have to see him and am going to get over this asap. Anyways, thanks for listening

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to block this person.

 

If he were really in love with you, he would find a way to be with you. It's not as complicated as he pretends it is. He's a typical smooth-talker, and unfortunately, you fell for it. In many ways, you're still buying into his stories.

 

Keep him out of your life so you can find a decent man who actually loves and respects you the way you deserve.

[anika99]

This is why there is no such thing as getting closure from another person. By going to see him, kissing him, and having the kind of conversations you are having with him all you did was open up a can of worms that was better left closed.

 

He is inviting you to have a cheap affair with him. He reels you in by talking about his feelings for you, how fun and exciting you are, etc...but then makes sure you understand that he has no desire to actually be with you in an authentic relationship. This is an invitation to be his bit on the side.

 

He is not going to spend the next 20yrs pining for you. Anyone who spends that many years pining is doing so by choice and normal people don't chose to do that. Besides if he was that in love with you and that desperate to be with you then he would be. He's not married and he doesn't even live with his girlfriend.

 

You didn't really close the door on this and you mentioned some reunion that is coming up where you might see him. I hope you walk away from this situation and him entirely, but I suspect you will see him again, fool around with him again in the hopes that he will come to realize how much better you are than his boring old girlfriend.

[Zahara]

Let him spend the next 20 years pining over me and go back to his boring relationship.

 

I don't think he'll be pining for the next 20 years. A man that loves you isn't going to spend 20 years pining for you but rather actually spend it with you. He couldn't commit to you then, and he still isn't committing you now.

 

He has a boring girlfriend that he's been with for 11 ambivalent years and he'd rather chose her over his undying love for you? Op, wake up. He just fed you some words. Don't be so gullible -- actions, not words.

 

Stop romanticizing this man. He's likely going to try and keep you on a string until the next time he gets a chance to see you. Lather, rinse, repeat.

[BTDT2012]

We didn't really close anything off but I'm glad we talked and even though I'm sad and miss him, I can tell now that this situation with me is killing him and I'm glad.

 

 

I know it's comforting to think that, but what he is doing is keeping that door ajar in case you decide to make yourself available the next time you are in town. He probably thinks you are pining over him.

[Ronco]

Thank you all - yes, I agree he's expecting me to see him again and I have NO plan to see him again. I plan to ignore future emails and letters. I recognize he is a commitment-phobe and yes, looks at me as fun and exciting vs the boring gf. I have no reason to be that person for him - I did open the can of worms by being with him, we are all human and make mistakes, but after our phone call, I see what he is all about. Honestly, I have pretty much done nothing ever since I saw him two weeks ago (didn't reach out, nothing) and don't plan to ever do anything with regards to communicating with him again. As for him pining, I was being facetious - he is thinking of me now and our time together. No, it won't be forever, but let him do so for a while and I'm out. Thanks all.

[Angelica21]

Dear Ronco,

 

I'm just one more voice assuring you and reinforcing your current judgment.

 

Your plans for zero contact with this man, now and forever, is the correct choice for you.

 

Don't ever waver from today's certainty that NC forever is correct.

 

You've done a great job to un-do your recent mistakes with him.

 

Now, you've also forgiven yourself for the recent contact with him.

 

Learn from your mistake and remain like stone to never, ever respond to any future contact from him.

 

You have no social responsibility or human responsibility to be polite, civil, explanatory, kind, patient, apologetic, etc. etc. etc.

 

Totally ignore any communication from him.

 

Even though he lives four hours away, your messages weren't clear re: whether you have other reasons to sometimes be in his geographic area where you might truly bump into each other coincidentally.

 

If so and that happens, feel free to turn and exit, refuse to speak, "run and hide", "duck and cover", "make a scene", anything that you might need to do to prevent a conversation with him.

 

Have a great holiday weekend and a wonderful future !!

[ExpatInItaly]

Also, I think it's a tad unfair to assume his girlfriend is as boring as he claims. You already know he isn't an honest person, so chances are, she's a lovely woman who just happens to be dating a man that seeks out secret side-pieces for "excitement."

 

You need to remember to take everything this guy says with a huge boulder of salt. He has no reason to be honest with you.

[Poppy47]

There is little effort in what he is doing and it might reap rewards for him.... if it doesn't he has lost nothing.

 

Don't be sucked in. You are already considering seeing him again or you would not be here writing about it.

 

He sounds like a user.

 

Poppy.

[stillafool]

Also, I think it's a tad unfair to assume his girlfriend is as boring as he claims. You already know he isn't an honest person, so chances are, she's a lovely woman who just happens to be dating a man that seeks out secret side-pieces for "excitement."

 

You need to remember to take everything this guy says with a huge boulder of salt. He has no reason to be honest with you.

 

I agree. You don't know that his gf if boring, not exciting or without passion. You've never met her and he is staying with her for a reason. You reached out to him for closure at your husband's request and I'm wondering why you didn't do this while your husband was still alive so he would know the outcome. This guy was probably flattered that you still cared so much after so long and reached out to him. Knowing you are newly widowed he may have seen you as lonely and in need of comfort and sex. You didn't say whether or not you guys had sex but I'm not getting where he used you. I think he would probably like to have sex to see what it's like again and to relive some old times but nothing more. If he wants to get together again it isn't because he's in love it's because he wants the sex this time.

[Ronco]

I guess this is a general question based on my story but do some men cheat with exes and then think it's ok since they are exes?

 

My story is that I saw my ex bf from 23 years ago 3 weeks ago for dinner. I wanted closure because although we had a passionate and great 2.5 year relationship back then, he had always felt guilt about his prior divorce and also had commitment issues so wouldn't commit - during our relationship, he rarely said I love you, although I knew he did, and didn't talk about our future. So at that time, I ended the relationship thankfully by meeting my amazing husband (we were happily married for 20 years after!), but my husband sadly passed away 2 years ago. So, recently, I felt it was time for closure, met my ex, had a great dinner and drinks and believe it or not, got my closure as he said he was truly sorry for how he treated me when we dated. However, after dinner/drinks, he kissed me before I left the restaurant. The following day, he planned a beach trip (which I didn't know about - thought we were just gonna meet at the beach but he ended up taking me - weird...) and we ended up fooling around when we returned from the beach. Not a good idea on my part as my ex has had a gf for 12 years who does not live with him. They see each other on weekends and live 45 minutes from each other. Obviously, his commitment issues have not changed lol!

 

Anyways, I left for home the next day (and thankfully live a few hours away), and a week after, my ex sent me a long letter saying that I deserve more than he can give since he is in his situation (having a gf). I never asked for a relationship so not sure why he sent the letter, and I didn't reply. A week later he emailed saying he reread the letter, and meant to tell me other things too - which were that he had a fun and exciting time with me, was rattled by my visit since it didn't feel like 23 years had passed, and he wished I had stayed over after the beach day (I had gone to my friends house after we fooled around - did not stay over). I ended up calling him on the phone when I got that email and he made it clear that I can see him whenever I'm in town and have sex with him. Crazy! I never expected or wanted him to leave his gf, but how do men assume this is ok? When I asked, he said he never has cheated on his gf before, but he puts me in a totally different space than anyone else in his life - I think he therefore thinks it's ok. So bizarre.

 

Anyways, I have not contacted him since (it's been 1.5 weeks since our phone convo) and although I had a nice time too when I saw him, I know we were wrong to have done what we did and I felt bad. I have NO plans to contact him or see him again (we had always stayed in touch over the 23 years so emailing him every 3-6 months to catch up was normal) and although I assume he will eventually reach out to catch up and things will be normal again, I just don't get it. I plan to move on from this - i got my closure for our relationship and am happily single and looking forward to meeting someone like my husband who I can grow old with.

 

Do some men feel that it's ok to sleep with exes even when they are in relationships? I hear that men can compartmentalize situations, so maybe they feel exes fall in the ok zone?

 

Anyways, thanks for listening and offering opinions.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

You're questioning his motives? What about yours?

 

It took virtually no effort to get you to fool around with him. It didn't seem to even seem to bother you that he is in a relationship, yet your confused by how he rationalists it?

 

To put it simply, he's a cheater. It's unlikely that you were the first or will be the last. You're right, he hasn't changed much. It sounds like he has always been like this.

 

This isn't about an ex "free pass", it's about a guy open to cheating with a woman who is open to cheating with him.

 

I pity his girlfriend.

[snowboy91]

Men are individuals, just like women are individuals. I wouldn't say it's a common thing among men only. Women can and do cheat with their exes in the exact same way. Both sexes cheat with exes for various reasons (unresolved feelings, problems with their current relationship, that's just a start).

 

This guy is clearly doing the wrong thing by his GF and you're doing the right thing by shutting this down and moving on to the next guy who I hope will be actually single and respectful of your relationship.

[basil67]

They know it's not OK...just as they know it's not OK to cheat with someone who's not an ex. But they do it anyway because they are thinking with their genitals rather than their brains. Odds are that you're not the first person he's cheated on her with.

[todreaminblue]

its really not ok for men or women for that matter to cheat with their exes, every adult knows wrong from right and are responsible for their own actions some maybe feel an illusion of having territorial rights....as they have known that woman intimately and explicitly and know all about her sexually so feel entitled to go back and dip their.... wick........

 

 

i am not sure why your ex thinks or feels he can cheat with you...ask him...be honest with him.......maybe he gets mixed messages from you too.......

 

....anyone can talk themselves into thinking its ok..if you talk to yourself long enough you may even believe it on the surface of your brain matter... its cool to go cheat with an ex if you choose not to go deep into thought or your conscience.......but deep down....every adult knows what isnt right to do......however much....they deny it to themselves and others...your heart knows with a moral conscience what you shouldnt be doing and what you should....as does your ex.....deb

Edited September 11, 2018 by todreaminblue