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As an OW when did you finally have the strength to leave?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 12th August 2018, 9:09 AM   #1
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As an OW when did you finally have the strength to leave?

I've been an OW for a year and I now finally rwady to leave but I can't seem to get that last bit of strength to send that break up text.

Our affair is purely sexual and I want more.I was naive and fell for the seperated and in process of leaving line now I'm sucked into it.

I think about sending that text but then i tell myself I just want to see him one more time before ending it.In other words ,I keep putting it off .At the same time I'm miserable in this affair but afaid to leave.

What made you finally snap out of it?
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Old 12th August 2018, 11:36 AM   #2
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For me it was turning 38. After letting the A go on 5 years I finally couldn't waste anymore time. Now I'm realizing time was suspended in those 5 years and I could have done so much personal growth but instead I was treading water. Don't let that happen to you.
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Old 12th August 2018, 12:24 PM   #3
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For me it was turning 38. After letting the A go on 5 years I finally couldn't waste anymore time. Now I'm realizing time was suspended in those 5 years and I could have done so much personal growth but instead I was treading water. Don't let that happen to you.
Thanks for your insights.I just turned 32 so ,that has been a motivation for me to get out because I want kids.Also, I don't want to waste my last good years
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Old 13th August 2018, 10:06 AM   #4
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Hi AngelLove,

For me, it wasn't about strength. It was about replacement. It was about real awareness. It was about self-preservation. Most importantly, for me, ending my role as an OW did not happen at the end of the affair, but long before the end came. I had been preparing, and that preparation was hard.

xMM called me every day, except Sunday. I had to find other things to occupy the time he used to take up. I started doing this while we were still interacting, long before the true end of the affair. For example, I watched movies about affairs, I saw plays about them. I talked with the few friends I had left. I wrote in my journal and colored in coloring books! I noticed when I had not been thinking about him for a while, and I would do those things again. Listening to audio books was the first thing that I noticed that had this effect on me...

It was VERY hard for me to break away from him. Mostly, because I didn't want to do it, especially not at first. He was "nice" to me; he seemed to want me in his life. I didn't understand that there could be an ulterior motive - and not in a good way - behind what he was saying... I had A LOT of cognitive dissonance. No, I mean A LOT.

But so many things happened, and I kept reading here and everywhere else. The "I want more than just this" in addition to the whole "actions not matching words" thing started it all. I had to get real with myself and how naive I had been. I had been afraid of that. And coming to terms with it was absolutely horrible.

I realized that everything I wanted was what he literally shared with his actual wife, whom I was utterly jealous of. While the concept of marriage wasn't foreign to me, I had no idea the intricacies of it or any other long-term or serious relationship, because it had been so long since I had been in one. I have never actually been in a serious and committed romantic relationship as an adult.

So, I thought long and hard about what LOVE is. I thought about who I loved... and the person I would've died to save was my Mom. I thought about the ways in which I loved her and she loved me. I know it is not romantic love, but it was the only baseline I had... so... I began to treat myself as my own wife, daughter, friend as best as I could. I flitted and flailed in that in quite a few ways.

But it is the staying true to yourself over time that gives you confidence.

I was basically forced to take off those rose-colored glasses. The process was long and harrowing. There was a lot of back-and-forth, push-and-pull. At least three times, he had promised to call or come by and then I didn't hear from him for an entire month. The first two times were so painful, I would cry at the drop of a hat - at home, at work, in my car, it didn't matter. I became increasingly angry and increasingly resentful.

The last time that he did it, I found that I was a lot stronger than I had been, I think because of the way I had been preparing. Plus, I didn't want to start over again at zero. I wanted to see if I could make it to 60 days. And then 90. Now, understand that I have wavered back and forth and doubted myself and wondered if I did the right thing... It had been a real roller coaster of emotions (you'll see that phrase around here a lot). But I want you to know... that I made that decision, and I have to keep making it every single day. Every. single. day.

This month marks an entire year since I made the final decision not to see or talk to xMM. He has tried to get around that, and sometimes he did, but only briefly... in the beginning. But not so much now.
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Old 15th August 2018, 10:42 AM   #5
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UPDATE

I finally sent MM a text letting him know I can't continue like this because I want more than he can and willing to give .He didn't even respond to me .I guess that speaks volume
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Old 15th August 2018, 11:07 AM   #6
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The door is still open. Trust me. You will have to be very careful what you do next, because he will be back. My advice: determine what you will do when he does.
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Old 15th August 2018, 8:10 PM   #7
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Good for you on sending that text.
If your story is like other stories here, like mine. He will be back. And that might sound great as you are in the pit of your pain right now but itís not a good thing.
Vivir is right. What are you going to do about it? Have you blocked him? Will you respond? Will you see him that one last time? Because that one last time always turns into another one last time. .
I am exactly where you are. Miserable and afraid to leave. Iím also looking for a way out. People will say just do it, snap out of it. If only it were so easy.
But you took that first step. Good luck to you.
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Old 15th August 2018, 9:37 PM   #8
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Good for you on sending that text.
If your story is like other stories here, like mine. He will be back. And that might sound great as you are in the pit of your pain right now but it’s not a good thing.
Vivir is right. What are you going to do about it? Have you blocked him? Will you respond? Will you see him that one last time? Because that one last time always turns into another one last time. .
I am exactly where you are. Miserable and afraid to leave. I’m also looking for a way out. People will say just do it, snap out of it. If only it were so easy.
But you took that first step. Good luck to you.
I was where you are for while so it was gradual realization that it has to end, not an overnight decision .I even made countless threads about it in other forums as well but could never muster up courage to leave.As long as I saw him the next day, that's another day to make excuses for myself.

I finally couldn't deal with pain of not being with him properly.Our time together was only restricted only his work hours since he clearly doesn't want to raise any suspicion from his wife.Sometimes things will come up at the last minute and I couldn't see him that day because he has to go home after work.

Lettting him go hurts but at the same time I just couldn't do it anymore.I doubt he will come back since I made it clear that I don't wish to continue these circumstances.And I'm not sure if I will have the strength to ignore him if he does come back .

Also,I could block him but I still receive blcoked messages in a spam folder.So I'm not sure if that will help
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Old 16th August 2018, 12:18 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by AngelLove View Post
I've been an OW for a year and I now finally rwady to leave but I can't seem to get that last bit of strength to send that break up text.

Our affair is purely sexual and I want more.I was naive and fell for the seperated and in process of leaving line now I'm sucked into it.

I think about sending that text but then i tell myself I just want to see him one more time before ending it.In other words ,I keep putting it off .At the same time I'm miserable in this affair but afaid to leave.

What made you finally snap out of it?
I found evidence that he was actively pursuing someone else and that he’d lied to me. Even then I waited a couple of days before sending the text. The morning I did it I sat on my couch for about an hour contemplating what I was going to do. I was scared and hurt and ironically I just wanted him to come make me feel better. But I knew that for my sake I had to end it. I was really a mess, not sleeping, constantly anxious, on medication, and obsessed with him and the situation.

I’ve been out of it for over a year now. I feel safe for the first time in maybe ever. I’m able to sleep again. I feel like I’ve learned a very valuable lesson from this. That it’s so important to keep yourself safe, to protect yourself, and to be really careful about who you let into your confidence. He used to say I was crazy all the time, but it was really him all along. Because I am perfectly fine and at peace now without all his drama.

I know he is on the prowl again, but it won’t be me next time. I think of his wife sometimes and just feel sorry for her that she has such a creep for a husband.

Good luck and I hope you find the strength to free yourself fom this toxic addiction.

ETA:
Oops, I see that you did send the text. Good for you, stay strong.

Last edited by jah526; 16th August 2018 at 12:23 AM..
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Old 16th August 2018, 1:01 AM   #10
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Yea I did sent a text but already experiencing withdrawals.How long did your withdrawals last before they dissipate?
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Old 16th August 2018, 9:28 AM   #11
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Yea I did sent a text but already experiencing withdrawals.How long did your withdrawals last before they dissipate?
Iíd say it was pretty intense for the first month or two and then started to dissipate. Itís like quitting any addiction, your cravings will start to get less frequent and less intense over time, but only if you stay away from it. I started to walk everywhere. Exercise definitely helps. You need to find a way to channel all that energy into something else.
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Old 16th August 2018, 3:53 PM   #12
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Yea I did sent a text but already experiencing withdrawals.How long did your withdrawals last before they dissipate?
So, again, you sending the text is good on you, but you really need to decide how you will handle him coming back. As far as he is concerned, if he isn't done with you yet, you sending the text simply opens negotiations or may be ignored entirely...

A lot of married affair partners, especially the men (according to everything I have read), will be waiting for the perfect time to strike.

The perfect time to strike is when you have been no contact for a little while and are likely experiencing withdrawals. If he knows your tells, and he wants to come back, that is when he will be back.

I agree with jah. If you do not feed the withdrawals beast, but push through those intense feelings until you are feeling more calm, the feelings will lessen in time. I did a coaching session at four months NC, and the coach advised that NC should be for life, but that it will take approximately EIGHTEEN months NC to break this kind of habit!
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Old 16th August 2018, 6:26 PM   #13
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So, again, you sending the text is good on you, but you really need to decide how you will handle him coming back. As far as he is concerned, if he isn't done with you yet, you sending the text simply opens negotiations or may be ignored entirely...

A lot of married affair partners, especially the men (according to everything I have read), will be waiting for the perfect time to strike.

The perfect time to strike is when you have been no contact for a little while and are likely experiencing withdrawals. If he knows your tells, and he wants to come back, that is when he will be back.

I agree with jah. If you do not feed the withdrawals beast, but push through those intense feelings until you are feeling more calm, the feelings will lessen in time. I did a coaching session at four months NC, and the coach advised that NC should be for life, but that it will take approximately EIGHTEEN months NC to break this kind of habit!
So it turns out MM is actually on 3 week vacation from work.I heard this from a co worker eho also work at MM's job.This explains why didn't respond since I hardly hear from him when he's at home--mostly work hours

And I hope I will be strong enough to resist temptation if he does come back.You're right after a while it becomes a habit that will take time to break.By staying,I deal with the rollercoaster emotions and day to day pain of being an OW..especially now he didn't even bother telling me that he's going on vacation (before I broke it off)

At least the pain of ending it will be temporary than staying indefinitely in this torturous situation
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