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When do you stop being the OW/OM?


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As some of you are aware, my affair only lasted three months. We both moved out about within weeks of each other (3 to be exact!) and he moved in FT 3 months and a bit after that. We’ve been together for 9 months.

 

I’m fully divorced have a decent custody arrangement and all of that sorted. He hasn’t even talked about how the divorce is going to go with his STXW , it’s just been this tacit agreement that it will happen and that’s it. She’s said she’s seen a lawyer but it never moves from there.

 

This actually doesn’t bother me THAT much... she has demanded we break up and he’s always said he won’t, even risking his relationship with his kids (which is now miles better!) So I know their marriage is the same as dead. Again piece of paper is pointless to me, preferably if we lived far away and could start afresh.

 

We started talking about having a baby, we even tried for a bit, but we’re trying to be sensible, so we’ve put that on hold. The bottom line is that to me it was a red line to have a baby until he got divorced. Although I never actually voiced it until last night. So I’ve said my peace and also said that sometimes I doubt we’ll get our happily ever after. He’s admitted he’s been passive about it. And that he’ll ask this week. I know he will because he always does what he says he’ll do.

 

A friend told me I was the OW until that divorce was finalised and somehow that got stuck in my head.

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Oh goodness, please don't have a baby with this man. He is still married, his relationship with his ex-wife and his kids has been strained... Is his ex-wife still threatening you? Are you still seeing your counsellor, dealing with anxiety and parinoia? In every post that you make, you say that you are not even sure this relationship will last. In your last post, you were talking about the fact that you wanted it all to just end...

 

What happened to the advice to take things slow? At every single step, you have ignored this advice and because of that, you have put yourself in a very difficult position. Im sorry, I don't mean to be unkind but in all honesty - the impulsivity, naitivity, immaturity, and lack of judgment in this "affair" has been epic!

 

Please, don't have a baby with this man...

 

As for when you will stop being the other woman... My friend, nothing will ever change how this relationship started. Sure, with time life will move on and perhaps, you will marry and get your happy ending. But, to a certain extent you will always be "the other woman" because nothing will ever change the fact that this relationship started in a less than legitimate way...

 

And, my goodness... A "piece of paper" is HUGELY important. He needs to divorce his wife before you can get married. He needs to settle his assets, agree on a formal custody agreement, among other things. You are increadibly naive and immature if you think that he doesn't need to get a divorce from his wife...

 

Please, don't have a child with this man!! You are in no position to have a child - emotionally, financially, and your relationship is NOT stable. With respect to his ex-wife who has been angry and threatening you, this will be like throwing gasoline in a smouldering fire. Why would you even want to have a child - do you think it will somehow legitimize this relationship? Do you want to be sure that there is something to forever tie this man to you? Don't bring a child into this mess.

Edited by BaileyB
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Yes, definitely don’t get pregnant! Not (only) because he’s still M, but because you’ve not been “official” for that long. I even find moving in together too early after only a few months.

 

The D itself can be quick, but it can also drag on. Say your fair share, and then let it go. He needs to do what he needs to do. You have little to no influence there, as it’s between them. From finding a lawyer, to filing the papers, to gathering all the supporting documents the court will need, to coming to an agreement that both are comfortable signing, ....... it can take many many months. You need to be prepared for that. And no, I don’t think you’re still the OW, I mean, you’re in a legitimate R with this man, he chose you, wants to be/live with you. How are you the OW? Unless that’s how you define yourself, you’re not the OW. You’re his partner.

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Sounds like a separated guy who moved in with his girlfriend. Is that close? Did he ever live on his own? Seen this plenty.

 

No divorce filed? He can do that easy. IMO, if he doesn't, kick him out. No ultimatums. Just a timeline you decide on your own.

 

If you're openly and conspicuously acting like a couple, his name is on the lease, mail for him comes to the house, you're out in public as a couple, his wife is fully disclosed, etc, etc, the legalities may still say affair/infidelity but you and he decide how you feel. Some people live like this for decades. They don't care about the legalities. Or other people's opinions. People are always going to have opinions. In the big picture, they're irrelevant. Only human. Mortal.

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somanymistakes

You stop being the other woman when you are confident in yourself that you're not. Which, I'm sorry to say, is not yet. Certainly you kept up your end of the bargain, but his side of things really isn't resolved yet, and under the surface you know it.

 

Much like me, you're still in a gray area.

 

You're nervous, and you want to affirm your territory and your status. You say that it doesn't bother you that much, but it does or you wouldn't be posting here asking that question.

 

Having a baby is not a good way to try and assure yourself of your status either. It's not a thing you can force. If you have to force him to make gestures to put you first, then it suggests that's not how he really feels. And it's a little worrying if he was MORE willing to "risk his relationship with his kids" than to actually get his divorce sorted out. Doesn't sound like a very responsible dad there!

 

As far as "nothing will ever change how the relationship started" - this is true, but plenty of angry exes demonise a partner's new wife as "the other woman who stole him from me!!!!" even if they didn't even meet until after the divorce. Some people will judge you forever no matter what.

 

When you know for certain where your heart and priorities lie, and where his do, it won't matter to you what other people whisper. When you don't feel nervous, when you don't feel the need to reassure yourself or ask your friends' opinions or to make him prove his intentions... then you won't even need to ask this question.

 

Him getting that piece of paper doesn't solve everything. After all he could get the divorce and then leave you! Stability comes from time and commitment and demonstration. It won't happen tomorrow, no matter what he does today.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

You are most definitely still the other woman. I suppose that will "stop" after he's divorced and you're the only woman, but right now he's married to one woman and sleeping with another. Sadly, you'll never be able to lose the "woman who destroyed a family" label even when you are the only woman.

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You also need to realize that a lot of people who are unhappy in their marriages, they don't have the balls to leave it, without a soft landing. Men and women. So they have an exit affair.

 

The person that they have the exit affair with is rarely the one they end up with long term. The exit affair partner just got them out of their untenable situation.

 

Once free of that they then seek out someone more compatible, more high value. Now that they are not so desperate. Someone that maybe was unavailable to them while still married. So maybe don't push so hard for the divorce. That could be the end of it for you.

 

On the flip side though, if his BS is willing to take him back, just one bad argument between you two could result in him going back. A couple bad nights in a row and he could decide he has made a big "mistake" and beg her to take him back.

Edited by Confused48
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He’s admitted he’s been passive about it. And that he’ll ask this week. I know he will because he always does what he says he’ll do.

 

 

What does he have to ask? Why can't he file? Asking isn't action. I think that right now he is taking you for a test drive.

 

 

 

I echo those who say don't have a baby before that divorce is finalized.

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Ahm i appreciate all the replies, but I've never been afraid he'd leave me or stop loving me! He's demonstrated I'm his priority (even of that made his relationship with his son very strained).

 

He shows me every day he loves me, I've never felt so loved, and we've never had a fight.

 

He's been passive about the divorce because originally he hoped she would pay for it, and then because he didn't want to make his parenting relationship with her even worse, but he's agreed it's now time to talk about it.

 

He's met both my parents and he's absolutely adorable to my daughter.

 

Here on the UK you need a reason to divorce, the "no reason" way takes two years of separation and at least there's proof he's separated and living with me for the past three months.

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What does he have to ask? Why can't he file? Asking isn't action. I think that right now he is taking you for a test drive.

 

 

 

I echo those who say don't have a baby before that divorce is finalized.

 

He can only file.for unreasonable behaviour on her end, which technically she hasn't done anything... So he originally thought it was a nasty thing to do. She on the other hand can file for infidelity but hasn't done it.

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He can only file.for unreasonable behaviour on her end, which technically she hasn't done anything... So he originally thought it was a nasty thing to do. She on the other hand can file for infidelity but hasn't done it.

 

 

He's been passive about the divorce because originally he hoped she would pay for it, and then because he didn't want to make his parenting relationship with her even worse, but he's agreed it's now time to talk about it.

 

 

Why would she pay for a divorce that she apparently doesn't want? Seems like you are looking at waiting out the separation period.

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Why would she pay for a divorce that she apparently doesn't want? Seems like you are looking at waiting out the separation period.

 

 

Because she's said they're over? So I bet she does want to get divorced but doesn't want to make it easy for him. And yes, originally we were just going to wait the two years. But then my sister got married and now he/we want a baby so it has put more pressure on the matter

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Because she's said they're over? So I bet she does want to get divorced but doesn't want to make it easy for him. And yes, originally we were just going to wait the two years. But then my sister got married and now he/we want a baby so it has put more pressure on the matter

 

 

And if you are correct in your assessment, waiting 2 years is what you're looking at, unless she decides sooner is in her best interests.

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Exactly! Two years is more or less what we'll have to wait. Unless we go to a good lawyer that can build a case "against" her which given the situation is not the nicest thing to do.

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somanymistakes

And the two years is only if she agrees to it. If she refuses, then it's 5 years separation!!

 

Sorry, I didn't realise you were in the UK. That does make things awkward.

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He's been passive about the divorce because originally he hoped she would pay for it.

 

Well, that's quite a guy you got there... He cheated on his wife, and now he's hoping that she will pay for the divorce. He's something else...

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Exactly! Two years is more or less what we'll have to wait. Unless we go to a good lawyer that can build a case "against" her which given the situation is not the nicest thing to do.

 

No, if anything I would think that her lawyer would have an easier time building a case against your boyfriend... be careful what you wish for.

Edited by BaileyB
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Ahm i appreciate all the replies, but I've never been afraid he'd leave me or stop loving me! He's demonstrated I'm his priority (even of that made his relationship with his son very strained).

 

He shows me every day he loves me, I've never felt so loved, and we've never had a fight.

 

He's been passive about the divorce because originally he hoped she would pay for it, and then because he didn't want to make his parenting relationship with her even worse, but he's agreed it's now time to talk about it.

 

He's met both my parents and he's absolutely adorable to my daughter.

 

Here on the UK you need a reason to divorce, the "no reason" way takes two years of separation and at least there's proof he's separated and living with me for the past three months.

 

It is not flattering that he is priortizing his new squeeze of just 9 months over his flesh and blood son who has just gone through having his home torn apart? Why on earth do you think that's some sort of proof that he loves you? That's the second time you have mentioned that he's chosen you over the well being of his son and you find that somehow complimentary. All it proves is that he's a crappy father. His son is going through a difficult transition and if your MM was a good father he would be making his son the priority.

 

This is what gets immature ego driven women in trouble. When they see their man hurting other people they don't see it as the huge warning it is. They think "oh he's picking me over another woman he made a commitment to, I must be really special" " oh he cares about me more than he cares about his children, he must really love me" and their egos lap it all up. Then they are shocked when their man treats them and their children in the same heartless manner because that poor behaviour was never because she was so special or so loved, it was just because the guy is heartless and selfish.

 

Of course he wants his wife to pay for the divorce. In an earlier thread you said he had to move in with you because he couldn't afford his own place but you want to have a baby with him. Hope you have a great job because he obviously won't be supporting your children.

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Because she's said they're over? So I bet she does want to get divorced but doesn't want to make it easy for him. And yes, originally we were just going to wait the two years. But then my sister got married and now he/we want a baby so it has put more pressure on the matter

 

What in the world does your sister getting married have to do with you wanting a baby? This all sounds so immature and childishly competitive. You were going to wait two years but your sister got married so you want a baby now. Why? Because you don't your sister to have a baby first? Because you want to outdo her new marriage by becoming pregnant?

 

Good luck to you. I can't see this relationship lasting longterm but I hope it turns out like you want it to and you wind up happy. I think you will be considered the OW at least until the MM is divorced

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CautiouslyOptimistic
It is not flattering that he is priortizing his new squeeze of just 9 months over his flesh and blood son who has just gone through having his home torn apart? Why on earth do you think that's some sort of proof that he loves you? That's the second time you have mentioned that he's chosen you over the well being of his son and you find that somehow complimentary. All it proves is that he's a crappy father. His son is going through a difficult transition and if your MM was a good father he would be making his son the priority.

 

Mind boggling to me as well. However, if I remember correctly, OP has talked before about her own dysfunctional upbringing (with a lot of infidelities) and my armchair diagnosis is there is a bit of arrested emotional development going on that prevents her from truly "getting it." It's unfortunate that the cycle has not been broken in this generation of her family.

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Why would you want to have a baby with a man who would be willing to throw the kids he already has under the bus??? I don't think it's particularly reasonable to believe that a romantic partner will always have the same feelings for you without waivering, but I do believe that the vast majority of parents do feel an unwavering love for their children. Why would you choose a father for your child who has already proven that he's about the worst dad possible?

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It is not flattering that he is priortizing his new squeeze of just 9 months over his flesh and blood son who has just gone through having his home torn apart? Why on earth do you think that's some sort of proof that he loves you? That's the second time you have mentioned that he's chosen you over the well being of his son and you find that somehow complimentary. All it proves is that he's a crappy father. His son is going through a difficult transition and if your MM was a good father he would be making his son the priority.

 

This is what gets immature ego driven women in trouble. When they see their man hurting other people they don't see it as the huge warning it is. They think "oh he's picking me over another woman he made a commitment to, I must be really special" " oh he cares about me more than he cares about his children, he must really love me" and their egos lap it all up. Then they are shocked when their man treats them and their children in the same heartless manner because that poor behaviour was never because she was so special or so loved, it was just because the guy is heartless and selfish.

 

Of course he wants his wife to pay for the divorce. In an earlier thread you said he had to move in with you because he couldn't afford his own place but you want to have a baby with him. Hope you have a great job because he obviously won't be supporting your children.

 

Great post!

 

The kind of thinking that he has chosen the OW over his wife or his children is what gets immature ego driven women into trouble... and immature ego driven men/women also feel the need to get the divorce, marry the man, and have his baby BECAUSE and BEFORE her sister can get married and have a baby. And this, of course, is an absolutely terrible reason to bring a child into the world.

 

OP, the others are not wrong when they say that this man has not shown the stability and commitment that a father should show for his children. He is not able to finance a divorce or support himself financially - nevermind have another child. And, he has an angry ex-wife who has threatened you in the past. Why in the world you would even think of having a child with this man is beyond me.... But, given the lack of impulse control and ability to delay gratification shown throughout this whole relationship... I doubt that you will take any of our advice.

Edited by BaileyB
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Ahm i appreciate all the replies, but I've never been afraid he'd leave me or stop loving me! He's demonstrated I'm his priority (even of that made his relationship with his son very strained).

 

He shows me every day he loves me, I've never felt so loved, and we've never had a fight.

 

He's been passive about the divorce because originally he hoped she would pay for it, and then because he didn't want to make his parenting relationship with her even worse, but he's agreed it's now time to talk about it.

 

He's met both my parents and he's absolutely adorable to my daughter.

 

Here on the UK you need a reason to divorce, the "no reason" way takes two years of separation and at least there's proof he's separated and living with me for the past three months.

 

There is a reason they make you wait two years. That is usually long enough to make people come out of the affair fog and back to their senses.

 

From what you have written it seems to me you are both in affair fog. Either wait two years, minus one month, to realize that or realize it now and get your head on straight now.

 

This is not going to work out for you or him or his wife and child. Its one big mess and the sooner you get yourself out of it the better for you. And for gods sake, don't get pregnant and bring another child into this cluster F*k.

 

If nothing else, think of the child he has now.[]

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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OP,

This is what gets immature ego driven women in trouble. When they see their man hurting other people they don't see it as the huge warning it is. They think "oh he's picking me over another woman he made a commitment to, I must be really special" " oh he cares about me more than he cares about his children, he must really love me" and their egos lap it all up. Then they are shocked when their man treats them and their children in the same heartless manner because that poor behaviour was never because she was so special or so loved, it was just because the guy is heartless and selfish.

 

 

^^^ this x100

 

 

Please read and take it in.

 

 

However, I doubt you will because it's hard to see through those rose-coloured glasses isn't it? :rolleyes:

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In the original after math it was said (via his ex) that his only thought that the only way he could repair the damage he'd done was to break up with him, which is what he said not to. That point made any sort of custody negotiation a proper nightmare.

 

He however was able to see his daughter on a more regular basis and as of two weeks ago he spends two whole days with his kids every week. His relationship with his son is back on track and now it's just a matter of getting some custody arrangement that works for them.

 

My sister getting married put pressure on our relationship to get it more formalised (that was my mom's doing) the baby has nothing to do with my sister getting married it's just something that we started thinking about.

 

I know it's a long time until we have a "happy" blended family., But I'm hopeful that we'll eventually get there.

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