AngelLove Posted July 10, 2018 Share Posted July 10, 2018 Like some woman,I believed the separation/divorce was going to happen soon and it was just a temporary situation. Only to realize that I've been played when he hasn't left more than year later.This is a life lesson and I will never get involved with a MM again How long did took for you to realize he has no intention of leaving? Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 Hopefully someone will chime in soon with maybe a more relevant response, but here's mine. My MM was separated when I met him and was always pretty clear that if the marriage could be saved he felt the obligation to do so. He's always been clear that was the goal, even when he didn't seem very enthusiastic about it. I was ending my long marriage and we just kind of bonded over commonalities in our situations. Pretty quickly I did fall hard for him though and we talked about actually being together officially, he talked about the possibility of him initiating divorce. Even after his wife moved back into their marital home with him because (according to him) she couldn't afford to live separately anymore. That was two years into the affair. I started accepting at that point that it was just never going to happen. And now we're over 3 years along. They are still married. I think probably one year is a reasonable time to have it figured out. If they are still together at that point, the situation is unlikely to change. Glad you are clear you'll never get involved in a situation like that again! I'm with you on that. Stay strong and move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 I'm kinda slow, it took me 4 years to accept he wasn't leaving. It was 4 years of push/pull, the same words, the usual. It is my own fault bc he told me he wasn't leaving, despite them not being happy and zero affection, and him saying I am his love. He still stands by that today, he says nothing has changed at home. This is his 3rd marriage and he said 3 strikes, he's out and won't divorce again. He has a strong desire to be a good role model for his married kids, he is divorced from their mother, he and his wife have no kids together. He doesn't want them seeing it is easy to keep divorcing, even though they know she is weird and isn't loving to them and he isn't happy. He also is important in our church and wears many hats of which he enjoys and is well-respected. He won't give that up for me. I gave up and accepted. We still love each other, he tells me all of the time. But that's all I will ever get. I understood he needs to be a good role model and carry his church duties. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 From day 1, he always told me he was not leaving his wife. I am married too. So I thought I could handle it. Then I got in over my head. Took it to be a challenge to try to change his mind. Became desperate and depressed when (surprise, surprise) I realized he was never going to change his mind. Found this forum, came to my senses Am working on accepting the situation for what it is, that it is a dead end Still have a lot to do on this front, as I am now caught in the vicious push-pull cycle of trying to distance myself only to get (all too willingly) sucked back in. I have no advice, other than that you should take the advice of others on this forum who have been there and done that. This is what I am trying to do. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 Like some woman,I believed the separation/divorce was going to happen soon and it was just a temporary situation. Only to realize that I've been played when he hasn't left more than year later.This is a life lesson and I will never get involved with a MM again How long did took for you to realize he has no intention of leaving? When I was single, I was in a relationship with a guy who was separated. We were together 3 years and for all purposes it looked like a regular relationship, we even lived together for a while. But he was still legally married and his family did not know about me. I suppose some women if they are older would not care but I was young and it really bothered me. He always would say he needed to be 100% sure I would be there for him before he filed for divorce, and that puts a lot of stress on a person. So I'd be really, really good for a while but break, act crazy, etc and he'd say now he felt even less secure with me. Rinse repeat. After 3 years I just cut my losses. There were so many signs that it was never going to happen and I came to the point where I was not sure what I even wanted anymore. It was just so bad and unhealthy. That was 14 years ago and he's still married. He actually texted me in 2017 out of the blue, I didn't respond. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 I knew from the outset that he wasn't going to leave. We are both very senior and I never wanted him to. He was not in a financial position at his age to do so. Poppy Link to post Share on other sites
Origin Posted July 12, 2018 Share Posted July 12, 2018 I’d say deep down I knew it right at D-day. She didn’t leave that day and that was the day I should have walked away also. She did eventually get single but that’s because he dumped her. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 12, 2018 Share Posted July 12, 2018 How long did took for you to realize he has no intention of leaving? When she got pregnant again. Fortunately, having met the result many, many years later he looks just like his dad, not the guy she was banging while playing with me. Could have easily been either though. Link to post Share on other sites
Hrgirl915 Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 It took me nearly five years. I was married too. But as another said - got in over my head. The last time we were intimate together he looked me in my eyes talking passionately about his hope of making a baby together during that encounter. The following week he celebrated his 26th wedding anniversary by taking his wife to the beach and buying a second home. He hid it from me and lied about where he had been with his wife. I found out about a month later. That was the day I finally came to accept he was a selfish, lying and cheating man that I never wanted to see again!!! Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 It took me nearly five years. I was married too. But as another said - got in over my head. The last time we were intimate together he looked me in my eyes talking passionately about his hope of making a baby together during that encounter. The following week he celebrated his 26th wedding anniversary by taking his wife to the beach and buying a second home. He hid it from me and lied about where he had been with his wife. I found out about a month later. That was the day I finally came to accept he was a selfish, lying and cheating man that I never wanted to see again!!! No matter how many times I read or hear this comment or ones along these lines it still shocks me that someone in an affair can make it..are you not those very things yourself? Did you not do the same thing he did? If you look at the MW/OW here on the site that ended up with MM you will find he left fairly quick. Usually 8 months to a year. Most often he would have left without being involved with another woman. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 (edited) No matter how many times I read or hear this comment or ones along these lines it still shocks me that someone in an affair can make it..are you not those very things yourself? Did you not do the same thing he did? If you look at the MW/OW here on the site that ended up with MM you will find he left fairly quick. Usually 8 months to a year. Most often he would have left without being involved with another woman. Yep. What shocks me here is this, but really more than anything that the women here consider themselves victims! They knew their MM was "married" but they went in anyway. Then they lament their emotional pain, how they are being led on, used, push/pulled ect. Meanwhile these women don't seem to give a damn about the pain *they themselves* are inflicting on their poor husband and children (and MM's wife). I feel horrible for the families who are being betrayed, for MM's family and for WW's husbands and kids. But yeah, if MM doesn't have a "real" relationship w you soon, he probably doesn't take you seriously , sorry. Edited July 17, 2018 by Imajerk17 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 Yep. What shocks me here is this, but really more than anything that the women here consider themselves victims! They knew their MM was "married" but they went in anyway. Then they lament their emotional pain, how they are being led on, used, push/pulled ect. Meanwhile these women don't seem to give a damn about the pain *they themselves* are inflicting on their poor husband and children (and MM's wife). I feel horrible for the families who are being betrayed, for MM's family and for WW's husbands and kids. But yeah, if MM doesn't have a "real" relationship w you soon, he probably doesn't take you seriously , sorry. It's sad all the way around. Having an A is jumping into a shark pit and then being upset when you get bit. This is what A's are about; broken down to the core, most are composed of 2 primary things, lies and sex. Lies from both AP's, I love you, I'm leaving him/her, your the most amazing person in the world, etc, etc. And of course, sex, in many cases, lots of sex. If you don't want those things, then an A isn't the right place to go for a swim. Of those who enter an A today, using some statistics I've seen in the past, about 1% of them will wind up happily married. 99% of them will wind up used/chucked when the H or W finds out. The odds are horrible, your signing up for something that, if you're not out for sex, is a ridiculously bad deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Hrgirl915 Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 No matter how many times I read or hear this comment or ones along these lines it still shocks me that someone in an affair can make it..are you not those very things yourself? Did you not do the same thing he did? If you look at the MW/OW here on the site that ended up with MM you will find he left fairly quick. Usually 8 months to a year. Most often he would have left without being involved with another woman. You are right! Thank you for the reset to my moral compass. I am no better than the things I said about my AP and should not feel one ounce of hurt. Everything in life is black and white. Link to post Share on other sites
Fluffkitteh Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 You are right! Thank you for the reset to my moral compass. I am no better than the things I said about my AP and should not feel one ounce of hurt. Everything in life is black and white. I don't think anyone is saying it's black and white..of course you're allowed to have feelings, and I'm sorry that you're hurting..but you certainly do not have the moral high ground when you knowingly get involved with a married person. You need to own up to your own role in your pain, otherwise you won't ever heal, and you will repeat the same mistakes over and over again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 Moderation stopping by with a topic check: How long did took for you to realize he [MM] has no intention of leaving [his marriage]? I'm seeing the usual suspension suspects show up who have shared no personal experience with the topic as affair partners so, well, let's get back on track shall we? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hrgirl915 Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 (edited) I don't think anyone is saying it's black and white..of course you're allowed to have feelings, and I'm sorry that you're hurting..but you certainly do not have the moral high ground when you knowingly get involved with a married person. You need to own up to your own role in your pain, otherwise you won't ever heal, and you will repeat the same mistakes over and over again. I am fully aware of your points. I take full responsibility for my actions and myriad of mistakes. I am not proud of the A. I didn’t go into detail as the question was how I knew when he wasn’t leaving. I summed up nearly five years of an emotional roller coaster by stating I was in over my head. This was my first, last and only A. Nothing good came of it. Never did I state I was right, or taking the moral high ground or playing the victim. I shared my experience mostly in pun to myself for being stupid regarding the entire situation. [] Edited July 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edited for topical content; quoted member, PBM, banned Link to post Share on other sites
kick_theleaves Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 It took a year for it to start dawning on me that she wasn't going to leave. And then another whole year and a half for that thought to manage to slowly sink into my stupid, drugged up, loved up brain. It's amazing the nonsense you tell yourself and the tiny little glimmers of hope you hold on to. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 17, 2018 Share Posted July 17, 2018 (edited) In my situation he wasn't actually married, but I never went in with the expectation that he would leave to be honest. It started when I was very young so I wasn't even that serious about him to begin with and wasn't solidly planning a future with anyone at that time, so it wasn't really a thought. A good friend of mine though, she was with a MM for 7 years, tried to break up at least once a year it seems, even got engaged in a whirlwind with another man, that didn't work, but it took about 7 years before she finally accepted that this MM would not leave. We all secretly cheered when we realized it was sticking this time because, in some ways, it was just very sad and delusional that she allowed him to take her for a ride (and also she has to own that she chose to also suspend disbelief) this whole time. She wanted marriage and a baby with this man which is why it was even more absurd she carried on so long. She wasn't like me or some OW who kinda also dated other people or who realized from jump that the whole thing had an expiration date so didn't put our eggs into one basket (even just mentally). She was fully banking on MM leaving and being her husband and that he would marry her. This is what made it even more awful. She eventually wised up, but 7 years is a long time to spend wishing on a star. Edited July 17, 2018 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
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