End of Relationship

[KT2018]

Hello all, longtime lurker first time poster here.

 

My story as OW probably isn’t much different than others but now that the relationship is over (for good this time) just looking for some support.

 

A little background met my AP 3.5 years ago on a website. Both of us married at the time. I left my husband 9 months into the affair. I left for reason other than the affair but was not feeling good about cheating and knew it was for the best to end the marriage. The affair continued (he was still married) a few months later we ended things (I found out he had been seeking out others - he says due to me becoming single he didn’t know if I’d continue the relationship) anyhow we were apart for a month or so and during our time apart his wife discovered the affair.

 

We decided to begin our relationship again after the month apart and things were going well (we live in different cities) so going on dates being out in public etc was the norm for us when he was here. He met my family friends etc. Later that year his wife found out we were still having the affair and he sent me a text that included her and ended the relationship with me. Fast forward another month and he contacts me via email stating his marriage is not good and he can’t stay in the marriage long term. Basically impression I got was that he needed to figure out next steps and he’d be leaving.

 

Then comes the holidays and kids birthdays etc and a year goes by and nothing has changed. Needless to say that was a tough year and I ended it multiple times only to go back again and again. I loved this man completely but told him I saw no future the was things were. So he physically separated from his wife a few months ago and moved to the city where I live, things were going well (still an adjustment for all) then all of a sudden he tells me he can’t be in my life because it isn’t what is best for me and tells me he will be moving soon (away from me so that I won’t have to see him etc) he says this is the final goodbye but he loves me and always will.

 

I am devastated and really trying to figure out how to move forward. We’ve been together for 3.5 years and up until the day before things seemed fine. I cannot go back and forth with him any longer and if he does attempt to come back I won’t but just needing advice and support.

Edited July 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Overtaxed]

Welcome, and so sorry for your situation. I'll give you some advice you might not want to hear, but maybe it will help explain things and hopefully help you move forward.

 

The biggest thing, don't waste the next 3-4 years of your life on a man who's not available! Please, if nothing else, don't do that. Be single. Have NSA sex all you want. Find a BF and make plans to marry. Do anything but be the OW. Being the OW is about the worst possible role a woman could take, it's near certain to wind up in heartbreak, broken lives, families and spirits for what? It's not for love, at least not for the men I know.

 

Why did this happen? This is going to hurt a lot, but as a man, I can tell you the likely reason this happened is because once he was single, true or not, he felt he could do better than being with you. When your a married man out for an AP, you have to take what you can get. You're not offering much, I can tell you whatever you want to hear (but can't/won't follow through) and I can sneak around and sleep with you. That's about it. And most women look at that and think "f**k that". So you have to lower your expectations as a man, whatever that means to you, less attractive women, less moral women, less intelligent women. Now, in many cases, this isn't actually true, but, as a guy, I can tell you, that's how we feel. You're "settling" for the AP because she said "Yes" (in most cases, after a string of dozens of hundreds of women saying no).

 

So, if you get a D, and you're actually single and wanting to date, a lot of men will say "well now I have more to offer" and think that they can move up the dating stack. And AP's are always "tainted" because of what they did during the A, right or wrong, most people know that marrying an AP is an awful idea, if he will cheat on his W with you, he will cheat on you even faster. If you're really "in the market" (as a newly divorced guy would be) you would want to avoid exactly the kind of women that he'd want to find during his marriage. The woman you want for an AP is not the woman you want for a wife; fair or not, that's how a lot of men see it.

 

Is any of this fair? No, it's not. And that's the primary reason I post here, to help people realize; nothing is fair about being the OW. You'll suffer the worst consequences of the A, almost without question, and you won't enjoy the sex, in many cases, nearly as much as the man does who's actually actively seeking AP's for sex. It's a terrible role to play with almost no upside, it's heartbreak everywhere you look, and yet, a lot of people sign up for it every day. Don't sign up for it! You finally have your walking papers, use them, go find a better job for yourself and never look back.

[KT2018]

Overtaxed, thank you for your reply and your perspective. Our relationship does have a lot of baggage that I don’t believe he wanted to deal with for a lifetime as well just due to the nature of how we began. I will never be the OW again I can assure you. I know that I have a lot to offer I am single, I have a great job and can support myself and I’ve been told I’m very attractive.

 

A few things that had started to bother me about the relationship more recently is after he separated he seemed to need more assurance than ever about us, almost daily the why do you love me, I need to be better for you, etc. then he would say things like you can have anyone you want I’m afraid someone will take you etc. Also a big red flag to me a few weeks ago I found condoms and he said they were old, I started to doubt big time and I feel he sense that. He still claims I am the love of his life there will be no one else for him etc but he just feel I’m better off without him in my life. If someone feels that way I think you should believe them because a person that wants you in their life would never say that. It’s just an excuse I just do t understand why he went to the trouble of moving up here for it to end like this in such a short amount of time.

[Overtaxed]

Stop listening to his words, look at his actions. And his actions are clear from what you've described.

 

You're spending too much time on someone who wouldn't return the favor if you walked out of his life (instead of him walking out of yours). It's not worth it, realize that your are worth more, and that you DO NOT want to start a "real realationship" as a product of an A, that's almost certain to fail, and fail spectacularly. So take the A and the fallout as a learning experience and go make some single guy really happy to meet/know and love you.

 

The OM, I can near promise you, will be back. He's playing a classic push/pull game, and, sadly, it's working. You need to make it stop working, block him and move on for yourself and by yourself. Or with another man, even better, to help you forget about him. You will eventually have the clarity to look back on this and think "what was I doing!" but that will take time. For now, please trust me, looking from this outside, all I can think is "what is she doing??!". It will take time for you to see it in yourself, but, when you do, I suspect you'll view it exactly as I do right now; a woman who's pining after someone who's not a real person, they are a character you created in your mind during the A. And if you by some chance happen to catch him, you'll be even more upset years from now when the whole thing blows up.

 

Statistics can help us make ambiguous decisions. Is it better to invest in stocks or bonds? Well, without the benefit of statistics, I can't answer that questions. With them, I can. It's the same thing here. Is it better to invest in a new relationship with a single guy or continue to pursue your AP? The answer is abundantly clear, you have a FAR higher likelyhood of winding up happy/married/fulfilled/etc 5 years from now if you take the "new guy" path than "stick with the AP". I can't promise that in every case, but I can tell you, across 100 OW, almost every one will be very sad if she tries to marry and live with the AP. You don't want those odds. So change them. Find a single guy and start a new life.

[KT2018]

You’re right and I appreciate your perspective/advice. I am going to stay out of town for the next week or so while my daughter is with her dad so I won’t be home alone for the next week. I need the support of my family and friends right now. I have blocked/deleted him in every place I can think of. I am just trying to establish new daily routines etc which is hard after 3.5 years but I’m committed to not going back I just know there is better out there for me and I have a lot to offer as well. My plan is to stay single for a while and let myself heal properly I was with him post divorce so I think it’s wise to stay single right now.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

 

How long have you been divorced?

 

How long were you married?

 

Have you grieved the death of your marriage and accepted it?

 

Have you read threads on LS about no contact? For some people, stopping their part of the contact ends it, no further steps needed. For others, block/delete works. For others, dealing with more persistent/creative fAP's, changing phone numbers, closing down social media, changing e-mail providers, etc, becomes necessary. How has it gone for you? He may be quiet right now but how did things go in the past?

 

How good are you at being alone? Some people can handle it, some can't. What I've found personally with MW's is those who've been married a long time, practically since teenagers, have a lot harder go of it than those who've been single or married multiple times with single space in between. There's more fear of being alone in the former. That's why, IMO, a number groomed replacements before they took the divorce leap. Some have told me that directly. Where do you fit in?

 

IMO, take it one day at a time. Heck, use no contact as a success of the day. Today I didn't contact. Tomorrow will come. Good luck!

[KT2018]

Hi carhill thank you for the warm welcome. I was divorced Jan 2017, separates since Nov 2015. We were married for 14 years and dated for several years prior to marriage. I believe I grieved the loss of the marriage before I officially left if that makes sense. He had an addiction the years prior to separation and I accepted that the man I once knew was long gone. Once he got out of rehab for the last time I realized I was not ok with where we were, didn’t want to play detective, control money so tightly etc for the rest of my life. He was a very selfish man prior to becoming an addict and that made it even more so. Do I feel guilt over my part of the end of the marriage (the affair) of course and I believe I’m still working to forgive myself for that. I know despite the affair I would have ended my marriage. My reason for beginning the affair was because I felt so lonely and just wanted a companion.

 

I have read the threads about no contact. We ended things a few days ago and I deleted/blocked him. I feel that is all that will be needed. In the past he has always been the one to initiate contact via email or text with the I miss you, you’re my one etc and Eventually I’d go back. That’s why I blocked this time, if he reaches out hopefully I won’t even know about it. If he gets creative and tries another method I’ll just ignore. I can’t keep wasting my life on someone who’s actions and words don’t line up. Someone who loves you wouldn’t treat the one they love this way.

 

I think I am ok being alone. I have good supportive family and friends. It’s just the hard part of establishing new daily habits and routines since he was such a significant part of daily life for the last 3.5 years. Great advice on using NC as a measurement of success! Thank your for your advice/perspective!

[Origin]

Wow crazy story. I’m sorry you went thru all that but I hope all this pain gives you enough strength to stay away from him. It’s very hard to stay away, no mater how much you get hurt but it can really be done. As somebody wrote it, one day at a time.

 

IMO he wants to date someone other or is already doing so and is giving you BS excuses. Overtaxed wrote it best. Welcome to LS, stay strong.

[KT2018]

Hi Origin, thanks for the reply. I believe he has or is moving on to someone new or is trying to get back together with his wife and work on finding another AP. Either way I look at it as dodging a bullet. What if we had stayed together and had gotten married then I find something out, what a disaster. I don’t want to go through another divorce. He also travels for work and there is plenty of opportunity without a lot of accountability so there is that. I’m just trying to stay strong and take it a day at a time. I will get over this and him it’s just hard at the moment.

[FMW]

My MM has told me almost from the beginning, over three years ago, that I could do better than him, I deserve better that I was beautiful, smart, blah, blah. He's asked me several times why I love him and I think he is honestly stumped about that.

 

I think every time he says those things he's thinking about how he is never going to be faithful to his wife, me or any woman. And yes, he tells me he loves me all the time.

 

I think he really does like me as a person and even loves me as much as he's capable of loving anyone. So he's probably wondering why in the world I would settle for being with him. Maybe that's why your MM has questioned you about loving him, knowing you could do better.

 

They are broken and they know it. And they can't understand why otherwise independent and successful women would fall for them.

 

I also believe what overtaxed says is likely. I would just add that I believe some men are capable of caring for a woman but not willing/able to stop being a dog and looking for the next ego stroke.

[ladydesigner]

They are broken and they know it. And they can't understand why otherwise independent and successful women would fall for them.

 

I'm not sure they even think that far as to why independent and successful women fall for them. If the manipulation is working... they win.

[FMW]

You're right, ladydesigner, I was just giving a possible answer to why the OP's MM was looking for reassurance from her and asking why she loves him. The MM are getting what they want, but if they are asking why, I don't think that's part of the play. It seriously takes you out of the fun and carefree vibe, because it's kind of like the MM are asking "hey, what's wrong with you that you want me?" Not a good move, it doesn't encourage the ongoing willingness of the OW.

[KT2018]

Hi Finding my way, sorry to hear that you’ve experienced this as well. Are you still in the relationship? It honestly was becoming exhausting with him needing/wanting assurance from me about “why him” “you can have anyone you want” etc. I believe MM did/does love me as much as he’s capable but as you said needs an ego stroke and excitement that does not exist in long term committed relationships.

 

Ladydesigner, you’re correct there is definitely manipulation going on. Too bad we can see it in others relationships but don’t want to see it in our own. My biggest problem is I was to believe in the good of people and I give to many chances.

[FMW]

KT2018 - We're still in touch, we share a social circle and have lots of acquaintances/friends in common so NC is almost impossible. The intimate involvement is stop and go right now, we both know it needs to end. It's just a long slow path to get there, as I'm sure you understand. I completely understand the "exhausting" part.

[KT2018]

Hi finding my way, your situation with MM sounds really tough. I’m thankful MM have no mutual friends, aren’t from the same area etc. I’m able to make a clean break and he is too. I can’t imagine having to see him on a regular basis it would make it very difficult to move past the relationship. Does anyone else know about your relationship?

[FMW]

Some know, some suspect. His BW isn't part of the shared social circle, I've never seen her in all this time.

 

We have a strong friendship component which I think probably eases things a bit for us. I truly want him to be happy, with or without me, and I think he feels the same. Don't get me wrong, I have no illusions about his cheating and lying, but I take complete responsibility for my involvement so any anger I occasionally feel about the situation is really about me letting myself be involved.

 

Your MM leaving his BW and coming to your city and THEN ending it is just really hard, I can't imagine. But I'm very happy for you that you seem to be resolved to move forward and put it behind you. It will take time, so don't get discouraged.

[Aloha123]

I really really respect the advice of Overtaxed and you should take to heart everything he says. The brutal honesty is needed to shake us OW out of our extreme denial.

That being said, even if you give your MM the benefit of the doubt that he truly thought he was "in love" with you (which may in your case be true, since he actually left his wife and moved to your city), the trouble is that by very definition in an affair you are in love with an imaginary, idealized illusion ofa person (this is particularly true when it is semi long distance, as it also is in my case) Also, half of the thrill is the forbidden nature of the affair.

Once both of those elements are gone, things seem to more often than not fizzle out. Add to that the fact that most people involved in affairs are by definition "lost souls", it is no surprise that most affairs do not survive once they turn into "real relationships". I believe that may be part of what is going on in your case.

Steve Nicks, (who has had many many affairs with married men!), has a great line about this "When love starts out in the darkness, it doesn't do well, in the light". Good luck to you in moving forward with your life.

[KT2018]

Finding my way, How long have you been involved with ? Sorry if you mentioned that in previous post. Even though MM and I met online and didn’t know one another before we found we had a lot in common (kids same age, similar family and backgrounds, likes/dislikes) we got to know each other online for a while then talked on the phone a couple of months later the. Few more months met in person. We never had an “awkward moments” just could talk about anything and enjoyed each other’s company. That’s the hard part is he really did become a very close friend in addition to my lover.

 

It has been a very hard reality for me with him leaving BW then leaving me a few weeks later. All I can think is what did I expect, if he left a marriage why would he have a problem walking away from me so easily. I have no idea where he’s going or what he is doing, I suspect he’s either begging BW to take him back or he’s moving on to someone else. I just don’t understand why he went through the expense of a move only to do it again so soon just doesn’t make sense unless he really felt that differently a few weeks ago. I’ll never truly know and can’t continue to be focused on it. I just have to know the relationship has run it’s course and is done. What reason could we possibly have for trying again, he separated and moved and it still didn’t work... aside from the relationship from affairs typically don’t last etc. I just have absolutely nothing left to give him or the relationship. I need to focus on myself and meet and one day hopefully available man that will love me and I will be the only one and he will be my only one. The push and pull of an A is exhausting and I’m just done.

[anika99]

This had disaster written all over it the moment he moved to your city. Well it was a disaster even before that but I mean there are right and wrong ways to divorce and break up a family. A mature healthy adult would move out of their marital home but stay nearby the children. They would do everything in their power to see that their kids were okay and that the divorce was as smooth and as civil as possible. Their dating life would take a back seat for at least a year while they and their family makes this transition. Somebody looking to move onto a better healthy relationship does not run away from home and abandon their kids. A man who loves his kids doesn't put his sex life above the emotional well being of his kids. And no, having the kids just on the weekends doesn't cut the mustard at this point. Not while they are going through the trauma of this.

 

Normal people do not just walk out of a marriage one day and walk right into a new committed relationship and live happily ever after. Even minus an affair that sounds crazy. Only a personality disordered psycho can leave a family and then immediately replace that family with another as if people are interchangeable objects. It takes at least a year or two to grieve and to adjust before one can move on in a healthy way. Your MM didn't take any time for his children or for himself. Sounds like he just ran away from home for a few weeks.

 

Furthermore he's been a liar and a cheater for three years. That's a character flaw that isn't going to fix itself. How on earth can you say things seemed fine when not only did you witness him cheating on his wife, you also caught him seeking out even more affair partners? Nothing about this guy is fine. Sorry you spent years waiting on a creep but you kind of knew he was a creep all along.

 

Don't let him suck you back in. He is not a good man and you only get one life. Don't waste your precious life on him.

[FMW]

We met and immediately started seeing each other 3 years ago in April. We had the same instant chemistry and comfort level you describe, lots in common.

 

Your MM is obviously very conflicted and confused, so his staying away from you is a gift, albeit a difficult one to handle. Going to the expense and effort of moving and now leaving after a short time is a glaring representation of where he's at - he's being rash and impulsive. You don't want to be in the middle of his chaos, he's got to figure out what he wants. Right now he's a danger to your emotional well-being. And it sounds like he knows that.

 

Keep doing what you're doing, focus on yourself and work on getting to where you need to be to move forward. Be patient and kind to yourself.

 

Face the reality of your relationship, get rid of any romantic fantasies that upon closer scrutiny you realize don't hold up. Figure out what was real and what wasn't. Because he will surely be back around at some point. You need to be resolved within yourself how you will handle that.

[KT2018]

Anika99 you are right. It did have disaster written all over it. When he said he was moving here I was a bit taken back but he gave me all reason why he felt it would be for the best. You are right there are wrong and right ways to end marriage and that is not the path we were on. Thank you for your honesty I need to hear it and you are right. I also need to forgive myself for my part in it all and vow to never ever be involved with him or a relationship like this again.

[KT2018]

Finding My Way, MM has been very indecisive for the last12 months, even more so now. I am trying to see his absence as a gift but as you probably know after someone being such a significant part of life it is difficult. I go from sad and missing him to very angry. I have no right to be angry really, I participated in a relationship that I knew would likely have no happy ending. I want him to do what’s best for himself and his children so moving back closer to them is the right thing for everyone. I just wish he would have never come here to begin with I think it would have been easier for me if he hadn’t done that.

 

I’m not sure if he will ever contact me again or not. I know he’s said that before and reached out but this time things are very different. He was separated and living here and it didn’t work, why reach out after that is my thought. Anyway if he happens to I won’t respond I just can’t do that to myself again. Getting sucked in by words that don’t have much action/meaning behind them.

[anika99]

I'm almost certain he will contact you again. Might not be for several weeks or for several months but he will want to bring you back on his merry go round again. He is not a one woman man and based on the ways he had hurt you and his wife over the past three years, he doesn't care who he destroys to get what he wants.

 

You have to come to see him as an enemy to your happiness and to your future. You have seen first hand that he is capable of great deception and manipulation. I bet he never even left his wife in the first place. She may have finally gotten fed up with the lying and cheating and kicked his ass out. The whole time he was staying with you he may have been working on her, trying to get her to let him come back. You would probably be shocked to know the actual truth of what he does behind your back.

 

I know when you're in pain it's hard to see the forest through the trees. It's hard to stay objective and realize that you are better off without him. The best way forward is no contact. Imagine that you are standing at the mid-point of a dark and scary tunnel. You have to decide which direction you're going to take. At one end, very far off into the distance you see light and that light represents freedom and happiness but it's a very long walk to that end and you may get many cuts and bruises along the way. Or you can turn around and take the other direction. At the other side your MM is standing with his arms outstretched to you, beckoning you to him. He is much closer to you then the light at the opposite end and it would be so easy to go in his direction and walk into his embrace. But there is no light where he is. No happiness and no future. Swirling around him is just endless pain and confusion and uncertainty.

 

Go towards the light and don't look back. Whenever it feels to hard to keep going because it's a hard journey and it's beating you up visualize yourself getting closer and closer to the end of that tunnel. You ended your marriage so that you could be happy, not to put up with this crap.

[FMW]

I really do understand. This week for the zillionth time something has made me think MM and I are just done this time for good. And for the zillionth time I had moments of sobbing - not just crying, but down right sobbing. Crazy.

It's such a hard addiction to kick.

 

But I'm trying really hard to look at the separation (if that's what it turns out to be) as a gift. A gift of freedom for me to find someone to have it all with, not just bits and pieces. I don't NEED a man but I WANT one to share things with, little and big things, the life I've built for myself. So I need to be fully available and present in order to be the person that the right guy will be looking for. And so it's a gift to have the barriers to that removed.

 

And a gift to remove the source of my sobbing

[KT2018]

Aloha 123 thanks for your reply! Overtaxed advice was definitely an eye opener for me and I will be taking it to heart for sure. I do believe my MM cared for me in his own way but it’s not the way any of us deserves. We deserve to be someone’s only one period. I am now seeing that I had created an idealized version of my MM. I can say that what I’m going through now is definitely my “karma” if you will about everything that’s transpired. I thought how could he just leave after all of this (then my thought is well he left his wife and children - honestly why wouldn’t he move on from me so easily). I also think by him moving here and becoming a more “normal” couple it created a vacancy in his life...another woman. I don’t have proof but I have intuition and as the days pass I can’t help but feel something of that nature maybe going on. I’ve been 5 days NC and each day gets a little easier. I still have overwhelming moments of sadness followed by anger (at myself mostly and him some too). All and all I’ve promised myself never to get into this type of situation ever again. It’s just too much and in my case the love, good times, etc do not outweigh all the negative that comes along with it.