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Kschultz9876

I had an affair 2 years ago with my first love. (I am 57 years old now) I had been living overseas for 25 years, I was married and I thought happy. My first love, I will call him Pete, was one of the first people I ran into when I returned to the states. Our affair lasted 3 years, it was full of the usual ups and downs, his wife found out after a year but we continued to see each other. He told me all the things married men tell the other woman, but as soon as his wife found out he dropped me immediately. Of course he always came back.

 

This changed when he was scheduled to retire. We were still seeing each other but a few days after his retirement he just disappeared. He changed his telephone number and “ghost” me. At this point of course I was hurt but I was also tired. Tired of his lies, indecision, lack of backbone etc. I didn’t try to reach him after a few days, I got the message and I left it and moved on. I wanted to think he did it because he really loved me and in the end that was what was best for me, for him to disappear and leave me alone. But I know in my heart of hearts it was because he was a coward, scared to death of his wife and not enough faith in me to be honest. He ask about me every now and then, friends would tell me.

 

Then 2 months ago he turned up on my doorsteps. Had left his wife and was ready to make things right with me. I looked him right in the eye and told him “no thanks”. I was not interested. I let him come in and had a heart to heart with him. I said all the things to him that he was too much of a coward to say years before. i told him I don’t hate him, I don’t think it would be possible to hate someone you once loved so much. But I certainly don’t love him. He stayed and stayed and I ended up asking him to leave because I had somewhere I needed to be. Life is like that sometimes.

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somanymistakes

So he was fine to have an affair with, but once he was actually willing to have a real relationship you were no longer interested.

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So he was fine to have an affair with, but once he was actually willing to have a real relationship you were no longer interested.

 

Lol...as if she should have welcomed him into her open loving arms after the horrendous way he treated her.

 

Good for you OP for putting your happiness and self respect first. I suspect that he was terrified of being alone and wanted you to be his soft landing. I've had several old boyfriends approach me years later when they suddenly found themselves single. I used to think I must be really special that all these guys wanted me back...lol. Eventually I wised up to the fact that they were just lonely and figured it would easier to recycle an old gf than go to the trouble of meeting and courting someone new.

 

I'm glad you took hold of your future and your well being and didn't let this cowardly MM come back to do more damage to your life. At your age (I'm close to the same age) there is no more time for drama and pain and uncertainty. This is a time to enjoy life and freedom. I wish you the best.

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somanymistakes
Lol...as if she should have welcomed him into her open loving arms after the horrendous way he treated her.

 

She willingly engaged in an extramarital affair for multiple years, knowing he was married, with apparently multiple small interruptions that she was always fine with.

 

She claims she got angry at him because, I quote:

But I know in my heart of hearts it was because he was a coward, scared to death of his wife and not enough faith in me to be honest

 

Yet when he actually leaves his wife and says he wants to be with her, when he puts all his faith in her, she turns him away.

 

Kind of sounds like she never wanted him in the first place but only enjoyed the tug-of-war of trying to win him away from his wife.

 

I mean, it's good to get past him and build a better life, she's probably better off without him.

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Dreamwalker17
She willingly engaged in an extramarital affair for multiple years, knowing he was married, with apparently multiple small interruptions that she was always fine with.

 

She claims she got angry at him because, I quote:

 

 

Yet when he actually leaves his wife and says he wants to be with her, when he puts all his faith in her, she turns him away.

 

Kind of sounds like she never wanted him in the first place but only enjoyed the tug-of-war of trying to win him away from his wife.

 

I mean, it's good to get past him and build a better life, she's probably better off without him.

 

He "ghosted" her, at the end just changed his phone number. What is it for her to want, the man who is capable of such cruel behavior?

She moved on, is happy and doesn't want him back.

 

I can't believe he actually was so shameless as to show up.

All the best, OP.

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In Op's case, she had moved on. It's hard to sustain love w someone who isn't committed or reciprocating. That's unrequited and unhealthy to self love. I could see if he came back with hope and apologies but no expectations. If he assumed otherwise that's just arrogance after the treatment.

 

However, isn't it usually said around here that if a realationship started as an A were to have any success in transitioning it's better that the married persons involved had truly done all they needed to in order to know the M was over for it's own reasons and not "for" another person? Even be on their own for a bit to reflect and heal.

 

Or is it that if they really want you theyll make it happen with no internal struggle or indecision?

 

Which is it?

 

I think it's very specific to each situation and the people involved. And if they're not on the same page, then that determines whether or there is a chance.

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Good for you OP for being strong enough to reject a man like that.

 

To add:

Chances are it is not HIM who left the wife, but rather the wife dumped him and now he showed up at your door.

 

In case of affairs, especially the ones where after Dday, when the MM dumps the OW, they always do everything to stay with wife. They never are the ones to initiate the divorce. It's the BW who does the divorcing.

 

So, not only is it good that you rejected a man who treated you that cruelly, but chances are he is STILL lying to you about how his marriage ended--not to mention who knows if it's even over or just that he got kicked out of the house by the wife.

 

The point is nothing he says can be trusted.

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bathtub-row

Oh, man, changing his phone number, disappearing -- that's really horrible and not something I'd forgive, either. You did the right thing.

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Kschultz9876
So he was fine to have an affair with, but once he was actually willing to have a real relationship you were no longer interested.

Yes he was fine to have an affair with and no he wasn’t fine to be with BECAUSE, as I stated in my post, it was two years later. Two years that I spent putting my life back together after he left and ghosted me. Two years I spent by myself, in a strange place, with very few friends left after I had divorced my ex husband of 25 years to be with him. So yes you are right, he was fine to have an affair with but no thanks to being with him forever. Obviously you are in the wrong forum because anyone who has been involved in an affair knows the humiliation, emptiness, heartache, uncertainty and roller coaster emotions that take over your life

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Kschultz9876
She willingly engaged in an extramarital affair for multiple years, knowing he was married, with apparently multiple small interruptions that she was always fine with.

 

She claims she got angry at him because, I quote:

 

 

Yet when he actually leaves his wife and says he wants to be with her, when he puts all his faith in her, she turns him away.

 

Kind of sounds like she never wanted him in the first place but only enjoyed the tug-of-war of trying to win him away from his wife.

 

I mean, it's good to get past him and build a better life, she's probably better off without him.

Yes I engaged in an affair with him. This is the other man/woman forum isn’t it. When he showed up on my door it was two years later. He left me, changed his number and I never heard from him again. IDuring that two years I was putting my life back together, and you are right, I didn’t want him back. If you are up for 3 years of heartache and lies I can give him your number.

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Wow! OP - I am glad you did not take him back. Why would anyone think OP would take him back after two years of no contact?! OP - what a great opportunity for you to express your thoughts and feelings to him and, to me, receive full closure on this relationship and move forward.

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OP, you did the work to heal and move on. That's awesome and to be celebrated. Hopefully OW will take your story as inspiration for their own emotional journey. No need to defend yourself.

 

Obviously in your heart to heart after so much time and growth you did not see any similar changes in the exMM to warrant considering a second chance.

 

I wonder though, for you (and others in general), would it have been feasible to consider that he too was not the same man as during the affair, that even if it was his W that filed, that he had done reflection and personal growth and changed as well? That forgiving the past and getting to know each other as you are now for a possible fresh start could have been considered?

 

I realize it's not likely, wasnt your reality, and ow should not hang hopes on that, but why are we so quick to dismiss others based on past hurts. If we have done wrong but can change and do better, why can't we believe the same of others?

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bathtub-row

[]I think you did great. I can’t imagine what a shock it must’ve been to see that man at your door. The number of emotions racing through you all at once had to be dizzying.

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Oh, my, short thread and already two moderators involved and four posts deleted and one edited. Not a good sign.

 

Civility and respect

 

Thread starter, welcome to LoveShack.org and, whenever encountering postings you suspect violate our guidelines, hit that 'alert us' button and leave the rest to moderation. Don't start up arguments or toss grenades at members. Thanks and please continue with the discussion!

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Two years that I spent putting my life back together after he left and ghosted me. Two years I spent by myself, in a strange place, with very few friends left after I had divorced my ex husband of 25 years to be with him.

 

 

Kudos to you for having the strength to put yourself first. Thank you for sharing your story.

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Thank you for sharing your story. It's nice to see that you were able to heal, move forward, and not let him pull you back in.

 

It can be tough around here, but please keep posting, I have a feeling you have some helpful insights :)

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isolatedgothic

I am glad you posted this. It shows how a person can grow through a very painful experience. It inspires me that, should the day come that my exMM shows up on my doorstep with a similar pitiful plea, I can remember how you handled it and do likewise.

 

It is hard to let go of love, and hope. You did it with dignity, maturity and self respect. I admire you.

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Kschultz9876
OP, you did the work to heal and move on. That's awesome and to be celebrated. Hopefully OW will take your story as inspiration for their own emotional journey. No need to defend yourself.

 

Obviously in your heart to heart after so much time and growth you did not see any similar changes in the exMM to warrant considering a second chance.

 

I wonder though, for you (and others in general), would it have been feasible to consider that he too was not the same man as during the affair, that even if it was his W that filed, that he had done reflection and personal growth and changed as well? That forgiving the past and getting to know each other as you are now for a possible fresh start could have been considered?

 

I realize it's not likely, wasnt your reality, and ow should not hang hopes on that, but why are we so quick to dismiss others based on past hurts. If we have done wrong but can change and do better, why can't we believe the same of others?

It takes great courage to open your heart to someone that has already hurt you deeply. I ask myself if I was truly, sincerely, and genuinely willing to forgive him and my answer was yes. What he did is forgivable but not forgettable. Besides I have raised my standards since being involved with him. I do wish him well but I am not going to be the good old girl that has a heart of gold and “will always love him”. I’ve spent my life traveling and living all over the world. We are on different pages and probably always were. He doesn’t occupy any of my head or my heart.

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It takes great courage to open your heart to someone that has already hurt you deeply. I ask myself if I was truly, sincerely, and genuinely willing to forgive him and my answer was yes. What he did is forgivable but not forgettable. Besides I have raised my standards since being involved with him. I do wish him well but I am not going to be the good old girl that has a heart of gold and “will always love him”. I’ve spent my life traveling and living all over the world. We are on different pages and probably always were. He doesn’t occupy any of my head or my heart.

 

He is a reminder of a bad time in your life. I don't think affairs have anything to do with love or even sex. They have to do with avoiding a problem with a poor self-soothing solution.

 

Keep traveling and never speak to this dude again.

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Kschultz9876
Did he explain why he ghosted?

He ghosted me because he was a coward and scared of his wife. He didn’t want to face me and admit he had been lying the whole time. What he didn’t know is that I would not have been difficult. At that time he had disappointed, lied, changed his mind so many times To me that the love I felt was fading and gone anyway. I made myself look in the mirror and I hated what I saw. No integrity, not a lot of values or honor. I took what little pride I could find and moved on.

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However, isn't it usually said around here that if a realationship started as an A were to have any success in transitioning it's better that the married persons involved had truly done all they needed to in order to know the M was over for it's own reasons and not "for" another person? Even be on their own for a bit to reflect and heal.

 

Or is it that if they really want you theyll make it happen with no internal struggle or indecision?

 

Which is it?

 

 

If there’s no internal struggle, they’re clearly long overdue to leave the M and are just looking for the first ride out. Chances are you’re just the taxi, not the love of their life.

 

So, the first scenario - there’s a big difference between that, and the way this guy treated the OP. Had he said to her, I need to try everything to fix my M, so that if I leave I leave in good conscience; if I do, and you’re still available and interested at that point, would you be happy for me to look you up? Then she’d have known where she stood, and when he appeared after two years of silence would have been prepared for his reappearance. I’m not saying she would - or should - have taken him back had he done so, but the way he treated her with the ghosting made her wanting to consider any kind of future with him much much less likely.

 

I’d have done the same.

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I don't think affairs have anything to do with love or even sex. They have to do with avoiding a problem with a poor self-soothing solution.

 

 

Sometimes, probably.

 

In this case, it would definitely mean going back to a version of herself the OP is no longer wanting to be, so best left in the past.

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