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I'm a MW, but my DH knows about AM (not married, he has a gf he started dating 2 months after we got involved, about 8 months ago), the 3 of us (AM, DH and I played around a few times, but his GF wouldn't be down with it, she even gets very upset with AM if he looks at porn.

 

Anyway as AM got more attached to GF, I could feel him changing towards me. I felt jealousy, he took her on a trip to Asia after 3 months together, he is planning to buy a house for them next year, whereas I have been begging DH to take me to HK for 19 years, and I am the one to make all the decisions and make arrangements, worries etc in our marriage.

 

I met with AM twice. We live on opposite coasts, him in US me in CAN. The first time he insisted on coming to meet me (before he met her. Between the 2 months of making arrangements and meeting he met and asked her out) the 2nd time he asked me to visit him. I did, and DH came as well since it would be hard to get away by myself. It was okay but he was a bit distant.

 

We still made plans to meet alone in a city neither of us live in. He claimed he couldn't afford the accommodations, so I paid for the hotel. He said he bought trip cancellation insurance in case he could't afford the ticket (he has a great paying job), but whatever. I made arrangements to go to the city, my husband was working and so I got family to watch my son. My husband couldn't come because he was working, I asked him many times. The city was very far from me in a different province. Anyway, we were chatting while I was on my way to the hotel. I asked him if his bag was packed he said "yes, but I can't make the flight, my girlfriend is here and I can't think of anything to get her to leave" I was like WHAT??? I am enroute to the hotel and paid $400 for it, it's non refundable. He said "my plane ticket is nonrefundable" but he TOLD me 3 months prior hen he bought the ticket that he bought the cancellation insurance.

 

I said is there nothing you can do? He said "I don't know what to say to get her to leave" I had a few suggestions but he kept saying "I don't know what to say to her" as if it was her and not him. When I said "It's a choice, you are choosing not to come and you're giving me excuses, if you really wanted to come you'd have made it happen. I did" he read the message then deleted the messenger app, and I didn't hear from him since. Wow...even as just a friend, I didn't think saying that to him was crossing the line or bitching at him too much.

 

At first I felt numb and hurt and angry...I am not sure what I feel.

 

Sometimes I want to expose him for the lying coward he is (he works in a different city and so only goes home on the weekend. His parents read his mail. He has been lying to them (he told them he was at a work seminar when he was in Japan with the GF, among other stupid things) and his gf goes to his house everyday although he isn't there to feed his dogs. I have screen shots, pictures (he sent me pics and nudes from HER house and her bed, so he can't say it's a crazy ex or something) and lots of evidence that he is actively looking for other women to sleep with..like his profile on an adult kink site, his tinder..etc..and she gets upset when she thinks he is looking at porn...

 

BUT every time I think about this, it fills me with negative emotions, so I don't want to do that.

 

What I did do...I had paid for the hotel anyway and it was in a very good location so I got a transit pass, went exploring and shopping and saw two really good musicals and got the tickets at a good price!

 

I still am reeling and don't know what to feel, but at least for a short time, I still had some highlights during the weekend.

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Your husband knows you're actively trying to sleep with other men.... doesn't sound like he really likes the idea?

 

So an open marriage. Is it open both ways? Does your husband have a "girlfriend"?

 

I don't know what to tell you. The guy is a dick. Sad part is trolling for aps like you are dicks like that guy will be most of what you find.

 

Did you learn a lesson? If so good. Move on. Don't dwell on a deushe.

 

How's your marriage? Are you happy? Is your husband happy?

 

Is this open marriage thing you have going just a lifestyle choice or are their deficiencies in the marriage you might be trying to bandaid with an open marriage?

 

I'm not going to say open marriages are immoral. I am trying not to judge. BUT from what I can tell open marriages almost always inevitably end badly.

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It seems to me that there is nothing for you to do...

 

He has a girlfriend now and he is no longer interested in participating in your little arrangement. It's time for you to move on.

 

It's always interesting to me when things go south and one partner starts pointing the finger at the other partner - the "lying coward." As if, you have no culpability in this whole sordid affair. As my dear mother used to say, it take two to tango...

Edited by BaileyB
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LondonFair

I'm sorry that happened to you. What a grave disappointment it must've been.

 

Jealousy is a very human emotion. Some feel it, some claim they don't.

Even in open relationships, the jealousy factor can creep in.

 

But the truth is, AM was showing all the signs that he was getting more and more invested. I know these signs are hard to read, and sometimes we just don't want to read them.

I would say, you'd have to let this one go. I understand the anger, the disappointment, I do. But, for your own sake, try and let this one go.

 

I know its easier said than done.

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Dreamwalker17

It seems OM was fine with the arrangement until he found serious GF. He should've been more straightforward and just canceled the trip instead of leaving you by yourself in the unfamiliar city, and with all the expenses.

 

It sounds like you're dissatisfied with your marriage. Bringing another party into it won't be much of help. If you're in charge of all the planning and arrangements, why don't you plan vacation for you and your husband?

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Hi!

yes I am just venting...okay maybe a question now lol...He re-added the chatting app and started talking to me today as if nothing had happened. Why would he do that? Why not just keep it deleted? I don't know why he still wants to talk to me.

 

To answer some questions:

 

Yes, my DH and I are bi, and we have played with others together before. Not exactly swinging, but have had 3somes. I tend to get emotionally connected while DH is more casual about the thing. Our 3rds are usually women, this is the first male 3rd we had.

 

When it comes to him lying and being cowardly, I am not lying to my DH, nor am I lying to AM. I don't know his GF. Also, AM was single when I first got involved with him, if he were attached and the girl wasn't poly, I would have said nope and moved on. I wasn't even that attracted to him at first. It was after 2 months of talking and him saying all those nice things, calling me amazing, sharing his issues with his parents with me, that he asked her out. I had already fallen by then.

 

When I told DH about AM bailing, he said "What an ass! forget about him, we can find others". Right now he's hanging out with a girl friend of ours... For him there's no attachment, just her stoking his ego and him being like yeah she's cool.

 

When it comes to planning vacations, DH refuses to go unless I nag him. We went to Hawaii with my family in '09...when the seat sale was on and we had to jump on it, he said no. My whole family was going to be there for Christmas leaving me alone at Christmas for the first time, so I got upset and was mad at him for months. He ended up relenting and I bought tickets, albeit it a much higher price. It was the best vacation ever, but if I didn't push and push and if my family wasn't going too, we wouldn't have gone. I wish I could plan one and he would just say great, let's go!

 

It seems to AM and DH, sex is an activity, love is separate, whereas, I can't touch anyone without feeling at least some kind of bonding feelings.

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Hi!

yes I am just venting...okay maybe a question now lol...He re-added the chatting app and started talking to me today as if nothing had happened. Why would he do that? Why not just keep it deleted? I don't know why he still wants to talk to me.

 

To answer some questions:

 

Yes, my DH and I are bi, and we have played with others together before. Not exactly swinging, but have had 3somes. I tend to get emotionally connected while DH is more casual about the thing. Our 3rds are usually women, this is the first male 3rd we had.

 

When it comes to him lying and being cowardly, I am not lying to my DH, nor am I lying to AM. I don't know his GF. Also, AM was single when I first got involved with him, if he were attached and the girl wasn't poly, I would have said nope and moved on. I wasn't even that attracted to him at first. It was after 2 months of talking and him saying all those nice things, calling me amazing, sharing his issues with his parents with me, that he asked her out. I had already fallen by then.

 

When I told DH about AM bailing, he said "What an ass! forget about him, we can find others". Right now he's hanging out with a girl friend of ours... For him there's no attachment, just her stoking his ego and him being like yeah she's cool.

 

When it comes to planning vacations, DH refuses to go unless I nag him. We went to Hawaii with my family in '09...when the seat sale was on and we had to jump on it, he said no. My whole family was going to be there for Christmas leaving me alone at Christmas for the first time, so I got upset and was mad at him for months. He ended up relenting and I bought tickets, albeit it a much higher price. It was the best vacation ever, but if I didn't push and push and if my family wasn't going too, we wouldn't have gone. I wish I could plan one and he would just say great, let's go!

 

It seems to AM and DH, sex is an activity, love is separate, whereas, I can't touch anyone without feeling at least some kind of bonding feelings.

 

Has to be difficult to live this kind of lifestyle with you becoming emotionally vested in every person you bring into it.

 

I have to ask, because your husband seems more equipped to live this lifestyle. How did you come to be in this situation, the multiple lovers? Whose idea was it? I'm guessing you may have had reservations being that you seem far more monogamous at the core of it all.

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Has to be difficult to live this kind of lifestyle with you becoming emotionally vested in every person you bring into it.

 

I have to ask, because your husband seems more equipped to live this lifestyle. How did you come to be in this situation, the multiple lovers? Whose idea was it? I'm guessing you may have had reservations being that you seem far more monogamous at the core of it all.

 

It doesn't happen often, like we're not always looking for play partners. I think I am more poly-amorous at the core because I can't separate sex and feelings. Before this guy, our last friend was a girl in 2014 (she moved away for a new job, I miss her terribly) and before then was maybe 2003 (She moved to the UK) and before then 2001.

 

Believe it or not, it was my idea...but it wasn't thought out and planned, it was at first spontaneous...college kids a little tipsy and flirty, and it went from there. I don't think I could do this on a regular basis, its too exhausting emotionally, and this time I got caught up and fell for the guy and it bit me in the ass...But nobody before him said things to me like "I've never met anyone like you before, you really get me, I Love you so much, you're the only one who understands, I felt so unloved until you came along..."

 

I'd like to know why do AM or MMs come back time and time again? I don't know why AM contacted me today carrying on like nothing happened. When I told him it hurt me, he apologized, but kept chatting as usual. Why does he want to even continue speaking with me? He's shown that I am not a priority to him and tossed me to the side, so why waste his time chatting with me? I live very far away, so its not like we can hookup very often and honestly, I don't plan on ever seeing him again (I mean it, there's no reason for him to come to where I live and no reason for me to go where he is).

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I was once chatting up a girl online. It was completely online. We had a thing going. We texted at all times of the day. I woke up and texted good morning if she hadn't beat me to the punch. We would text right up until we went to bed.

 

We had met through a video game and it just kinda took of on its own..... ok I was desperately lonely.

 

When we finally got around to trading pics what I saw was not exactly what I thought I would see.... I don't know exactly what I wanted to see, but it wasn't what I saw. I knew I couldn't continue to chase her without faking it. She still seemed interested. (I'm not saying he doesn't think your attractive. He does. Having sex with you kinda proves that.)

 

I couldn't do it. So like a coward I just deleted her and blocked her. Left the clan in the game I was in.

 

I felt really really bad for just disappearing on her. Like horribly bad. I felt like a piece of **** and very judgmental. So I refriended her after a little while and rejoined the clan, unblocked her and started back up like nothing happened.

 

She asked me what happened and I told her some bull**** excuse like my cousin's kids had my phone and did it.

 

I wavered between cutting contact again and trying to push the newly odd for me relationship back onto friend territory, but it just wasn't working and I simply blocked her again after a while.

 

I still feel bad for that every once in a while.

 

Moral of the story is I wanted to end the "relationship" without really responsibly ending it. I couldn't just call her and say "hey your a nice girl. I think we should just be friends." That would have been too embarrassing to admit that I was being superficial and a user.

 

Maybe it's something similar. I honestly don't think he not attracted to you. Men rarely go out of their way to have sex with women they are not attracted too, but maybe he just wanted out and then rethought it and or felt bad or too weak to end it so relapsed. Maybe it was whatever..... but remember the disrespect. It took a pretty big ******* to do what this guy did to you.

 

I'm starting to think I could have just left the story out and got to the point.......

 

I'll also point out that a lot of what this guy said is player book 101. I used a lot of the same talk with my little internet relationship. I liked to style myself a newly budding "player" back then. The whole experience left a bitter taste in my mouth thankfully and I stopped. God I was stupid and pathetic back then.

 

P.S

 

If your serious about wanting to end it with him then just do that. Any contact or communication will only lead to more trouble. Like ANY contact. No matter how "just friends" you two try to become. The hurt and emotion for him will die down in time as long as you don't obsess in a circular manner.

 

Also have you thought about stopping the open marriage? If your polyamourous and hubby isn't.... that's a problem. Does he know you cuaght emotions for this guy? His response to the revelation this guy stiffed you (No pun intended) seems to tell me he doesn't understand the emotions you have involved. Have you been open about that?

 

Also also (I'm on a roll!) Did you ever wonder just how committed this guy could be when you yourself can't REALLY be committed to him? He may just want get out of a messy situation. It may be too much for him, but he can't do it in one clean break.

 

More than likely he is just an ******* though.

Edited by Adotta
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It doesn't happen often, like we're not always looking for play partners. I think I am more poly-amorous at the core because I can't separate sex and feelings. Before this guy, our last friend was a girl in 2014 (she moved away for a new job, I miss her terribly) and before then was maybe 2003 (She moved to the UK) and before then 2001.

 

Believe it or not, it was my idea...but it wasn't thought out and planned, it was at first spontaneous...college kids a little tipsy and flirty, and it went from there. I don't think I could do this on a regular basis, its too exhausting emotionally, and this time I got caught up and fell for the guy and it bit me in the ass...But nobody before him said things to me like "I've never met anyone like you before, you really get me, I Love you so much, you're the only one who understands, I felt so unloved until you came along..."

 

I'd like to know why do AM or MMs come back time and time again? I don't know why AM contacted me today carrying on like nothing happened. When I told him it hurt me, he apologized, but kept chatting as usual. Why does he want to even continue speaking with me? He's shown that I am not a priority to him and tossed me to the side, so why waste his time chatting with me? I live very far away, so its not like we can hookup very often and honestly, I don't plan on ever seeing him again (I mean it, there's no reason for him to come to where I live and no reason for me to go where he is).

 

Those thing he said are pretty standard lines in an attempt to separate a woman from her panties

 

Let me ask you this, did he try to get you to compare him to your husband or have to repeat similar lines back to him?

 

Why did he ghost? First thought, his GF found out.

 

Is he your first priority? of course not, so why should you be his first priority? Comments like these are why I don't believe you are equipped to handle this lifestyle. I get it, by using those lines he used, it lead you to believe you were. Maybe you did hold that spot when he was single, but maybe his GF replaced you. Isn't that fair? I mean you do have a husband, who I assume you don't plan on demoting to a backup or leaving.

Edited by DKT3
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Adotta, that makes a lot of sense. The more I think about the situation the more turned off I get. I am afraid though that when I go home, and reality sets in, and I am alone while DH works all day and night that I will feel lonely and go back to talking to AM.

 

I am getting tired though of this. Like you say, nothing good ever comes from this.

 

Those thing he said are pretty standard lines in an attempt to separate a woman from her panties

 

Let me ask you this, did he try to get you to compare him to your husband or have to repeat similar lines back to him?

 

Why did he ghost? First thought, his GF found out.

 

Is he your first priority? of course not, so why should you be his first priority? Comments like these are why I don't believe you are equipped to handle this lifestyle. I get it, by using those lines he used, it lead you to believe you were. Maybe you did hold that spot when he was single, but maybe his GF replaced you. Isn't that fair? I mean you do have a husband, who I assume you don't plan on demoting to a backup or leaving.

 

Yeah, he did.

 

He came back online Monday and said she was suspicious and looking over his shoulder all weekend.

 

It wasn't about being his top priority, I just wanted the short time I had together with him to be our short time, he could do whatever with his other time. And while realistically, I knew couldn't have a real relationship with him, even if we were both single (too much distance, he is too intertwined with his parents who oppose any girl hes with not of his ethnicity, while he reminded me of DH, he also has the same negative qualities DH has as well..oh and he is the same ethnic background as DH)...Those what if daydreams came creeping into my mind though, and more than a few times, AM became a much higher priority than he should have.

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Hi!

 

It seems to AM and DH, sex is an activity, love is separate, whereas, I can't touch anyone without feeling at least some kind of bonding feelings.

 

If you can't separate sex from catching feelings maybe you aren't cut out for an open marriage. That must be draining - on everyone involved.

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The fact that he wanted to be compared to your DH is bad bad bad.

 

I did the same thing. It was about marking MY territory. It was about being "better" than my ap's husband. It was ego kibbles galore. Size, shape, stamina, technique, kissing. I would ask her about it all. She would happily tell me I was the best ever and her husband could never compare.

 

I don't know if it was true honestly, but it didn't matter. I was getting off on stealing another man's woman. I felt like a big dog pissing on another dogs tree while he trembled in fear and jealousy powerless to stop me. I looked down on her husband. It was honestly a big part of the whole affairs appeal to me. Some guys just really get off on the thought of "stealing" another man's woman. They get off on thinking of themselves as gods gift to women. I did.....

 

Moving on.

 

You say you are lonely at home while husband works a lot. Could he work less? Do you have a job? A hobby? Friends?

 

You can't rely on your husband to always be there to make you feel special and beautiful and awesome. You honestly shouldn't rely on ANYONE to make you feel that. It all comes down to you. You need to find a healthy mindset and find happiness from INSIDE. Looking for happiness others offer if fleeting and usually fake. It's effect on you also wears off eventually. It's one of the reasons a woman married for 25 years could have her husband say she is a goddess and she doesn't even smile, but her AP tells her she has nice tits and she creams herself. The ego kibbles hubby offers lost their effect ages ago. AP ego kibbles are fresh and new. They have more value to the mind of a wayward.

 

Not to say your husband shouldn't be spending time with you and showing affection and love. Not at all. Why marry otherwise? What I'm saying is him not being home for a few days shouldn't send you into a spiral of depression. That's not healthy.

 

What about your husband. What kind of relationship do you have with him? Honestly from what you have hinted at so far you two seem distant. Am I right?

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The fact that he wanted to be compared to your DH is bad bad bad.

 

I did the same thing. It was about marking MY territory. It was about being "better" than my ap's husband. It was ego kibbles galore. Size, shape, stamina, technique, kissing. I would ask her about it all. She would happily tell me I was the best ever and her husband could never compare.

 

I don't know if it was true honestly, but it didn't matter. I was getting off on stealing another man's woman. I felt like a big dog pissing on another dogs tree while he trembled in fear and jealousy powerless to stop me. I looked down on her husband. It was honestly a big part of the whole affairs appeal to me. Some guys just really get off on the thought of "stealing" another man's woman. They get off on thinking of themselves as gods gift to women. I did.....

 

Moving on.

 

You say you are lonely at home while husband works a lot. Could he work less? Do you have a job? A hobby? Friends?

 

You can't rely on your husband to always be there to make you feel special and beautiful and awesome. You honestly shouldn't rely on ANYONE to make you feel that. It all comes down to you. You need to find a healthy mindset and find happiness from INSIDE. Looking for happiness others offer if fleeting and usually fake. It's effect on you also wears off eventually. It's one of the reasons a woman married for 25 years could have her husband say she is a goddess and she doesn't even smile, but her AP tells her she has nice tits and she creams herself. The ego kibbles hubby offers lost their effect ages ago. AP ego kibbles are fresh and new. They have more value to the mind of a wayward.

 

Not to say your husband shouldn't be spending time with you and showing affection and love. Not at all. Why marry otherwise? What I'm saying is him not being home for a few days shouldn't send you into a spiral of depression. That's not healthy.

 

What about your husband. What kind of relationship do you have with him? Honestly from what you have hinted at so far you two seem distant. Am I right?

 

I'm not sure if he asked to be compared to DH, and he knows he is much much smaller than DH (they slept together, so they know how the other is in bed) but I willingly gave him the ego kibbles, he is a better lover in the way that he wants to please as well as be pleased, DH just wants to be pleased and pleasing me is a chore he might begrudgingly do, if I beg him, which kind of ruins the whole thing. AP seems to enjoy being favored when I text him these things his reply is "hahaha nice".

My DH went out with one of his co-workers who is moving away soon. She is really pretty and AP met her once and was into her. When I mentioned DH was going out with her and how I wish I could go out with her too, AP was like OMG I want in, if you can arrange it with us all to play together, I can work out something and fly out. Yeah that's not going to happen.

 

Anyway,

 

DH is a workaholic, always was. His parents made him work for them since he was 10, with no time for a social life or even school life, the family business came first. He got away from them to be with me, but the notion that work= love is ingrained in him. Sadly he is on salary so all the extra hours put in doesn't give him OT. When he took this job, he was supposed to work 60 hours a week and take 2 days off a week. Its turned into an average of 73 hours a week and he lost the day off that was the only day that both me and our son were home. He could have said something to the boss since the expectations increased but the salary did not, but he didn't.

 

I am a teacher but can't get full time work. I am unhappy about that part of my life. I want to teach so badly...The only time I feel truly happy and useful is when I am in the classroom. I have a few friends, but they are often busy with their own lives.

 

We are at a point of distance, but its not because we don't love each other, it's just whenever I try to put a little spark and do something special with our time together, he is simply too tired and falls asleep. Last month, I got us a nice hotel suite, and he got tired and went to bed early. I wish I knew how to fix the distance, because when I feel in a good secure place with DH, I don't even think about AM or anyone else.

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I'm no expert on these types of relationships, but I think it's a horrible idea that you two are messing around with other people while you feel so insecure in the marriage. Maybe having a conversation about that is the first step.

 

Secondly, it's odd that you are ok with husband having time with this other woman but not ok for the side dude too.

 

Im really getting the sense that this guy is jealous of your husband and seems interested in turning your head but no really interested in you if that makes sense to you. In short, he appears to be competing with your husband, and his interest is in besting him and not getting you.

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I'm no expert on these types of relationships, but I think it's a horrible idea that you two are messing around with other people while you feel so insecure in the marriage. Maybe having a conversation about that is the first step.

 

Secondly, it's odd that you are ok with husband having time with this other woman but not ok for the side dude too.

 

Im really getting the sense that this guy is jealous of your husband and seems interested in turning your head but no really interested in you if that makes sense to you. In short, he appears to be competing with your husband, and his interest is in besting him and not getting you.

 

A counsellor once told me "Jealousy and insecurity is the fear of something being taken from you". I don't feel like our girl friends will take DH away from me...while that could happen, I guess. I don't have that fear with him. I do fear that the GF could take AM from me, and seeing he ditched me that weekend, its very possible.

 

Things changed for me I think since that weekend. I still talk to him, I even say those things like "I Love you too"....but I'm not feeling it. Tonight, AM talked about if he gets some inheritance he is supposed to get, he wants to fly me out to his city to see him. I said why can't you come here? He said "Because I can't think of anything to tell her"....That is so stupid. So...Even if he buys the ticket, she goes to see him, or he gets afraid, I will just stay in an airport in a strange city all alone for a weekend? I don't trust him anymore.

 

I am home now from 3 weeks away, and the weekend with DH was wonderful. We spent the weekend hanging out with our girl friend and one of his buddies. It was fun being flirty with the girl. All in all a good weekend. When we went home DH was attentive and the sex was hot. Hope it continues...

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A counsellor once told me "Jealousy and insecurity is the fear of something being taken from you". I don't feel like our girl friends will take DH away from me...while that could happen, I guess. I don't have that fear with him. I do fear that the GF could take AM from me, and seeing he ditched me that weekend, its very possible.

 

Things changed for me I think since that weekend. I still talk to him, I even say those things like "I Love you too"....but I'm not feeling it. Tonight, AM talked about if he gets some inheritance he is supposed to get, he wants to fly me out to his city to see him. I said why can't you come here? He said "Because I can't think of anything to tell her"....That is so stupid. So...Even if he buys the ticket, she goes to see him, or he gets afraid, I will just stay in an airport in a strange city all alone for a weekend? I don't trust him anymore.

 

I am home now from 3 weeks away, and the weekend with DH was wonderful. We spent the weekend hanging out with our girl friend and one of his buddies. It was fun being flirty with the girl. All in all a good weekend. When we went home DH was attentive and the sex was hot. Hope it continues...

So the real issue here is you fear abandonment? You think your husband is in the bag so your primary focus is on a guy you don't really care about but may abandon you.

 

I think maybe some issues with your father maybe at the root, you think?

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No fear of abandonment, I have a super close relationship with my parents and family and I know deep down my DH loves me.

 

I felt an insecure attachment to AM because I felt I could lose him anytime...Which he ghosted me 3 weeks ago out of nowhere, so I guess I was right that he could and would.

 

I miss his friendship, but I am doing okay. It is giving me time to focus on my family and my future. DH is still working all the time until exhaustion and coming home to pass out as soon as he sits down. AM was someone to talk to when DH was working/sleeping, and I don't have that now. Which is kind of sad. I thought I loved him, and I certainly still care about him now.

 

One part of me is upset that he just ghosted me after talking daily for 11 months and seeing each other in person, I kind of wish he would have just said goodbye. But it's over now and he's gone.

Edited by pa2k
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