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I chose the other path. I got revenge.


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flubberghaster

I haven't seen another thread where the OW really followed through on the "revenge" strain. I'm not proud of this.

 

I was involved with a MM in another country for 3 years. I visited him 4 times. He was married with 2 kids, 3 and 6 months. Yes. He got her pregnant mid affair. Kid #2 was born in December, he spent a week with me in November. The affair was classic - all love, and intense feels, and video chats and sex and future faking. He had picked out an engagement ring. The man was everything I wanted.

 

17 hours on a plane - this last trip to see him was everything I had hoped for... until the last day. He dumped me unceremoniously in public. In the same breath as "I hope we're still doing this when we're 60."

 

I finally understood "your world comes crashing down", and I did what all the OW here seem to have the strength to not do. I chose the other path.

 

I slapped him, cried, begged and eventually got out of the car. He kissed me and drove away leaving me alone in another country. I walked through the carpark, got into my rental...and I messaged his wife, his mum mum, wifes mum, her dad and brother, her entire family, their extended friends, their extended family photos of us together and damning screenshots, and blocked him. The photos, the timeline, and the screenshots were irrefutable.

 

I did not unblock him until I landed home, and until his wife responded to the message, obviously sad but being a united front with her husband. They'd been "working it out" for months and he seemed "happier this week than he had in 3 years." I sent her a few more photos, said sorry, and left it. She has not remerged.

 

Unblocked him. He called instantly. He sounded ruined. He flitted from calling me a monster, to admitting that he was still addicted to me. He reminded me how I begged 6 times to not leave (he counted), he admitted he had been having sex with his wife for months despite promising me not to (same script, ladies). He said he was so disappointed; the "girl he made over 3 years would not have done this to him". I asked if they were going to make it work, he said no... he was moving out the next day. I asked if he thought she'd forgive him (as her message to me sounded) and he simply said "God help her if she does." He asked for a list of everyone I sent them to, and that was that. The phone call was 1 hour and 10 minutes.

 

That night, a text; he asked me why I would still want to be with him after his web of lies. I told it "becaused I loved you."

 

And that was the last I've heard of him. He's blocked me on everything but our 'main' chat tool. I've sent him messages, he reads them but ignores them. I miss him terribly now that the anger has worn off, but damage is very much done. I lost all composure and sent hundreds of sorries, and begging him to call. He has ignored it all. The whole thing showed me exactly how little control I had when emotions ran so high.

 

Its been 2 weeks. I'm devastated. 3 years of daily contact and now, nothing. But I'd made that choice by hitting "send" on all of those messages.

 

Just a warning to OW considering punishment/revenge. The whole bunny boiler thing feels no better than letting it die quietly. The only benefit to me was that I know there's no going back now. It removed a bit of the 'willpower' aspect of it all. I regret it all and how flippant I was with his life. It was not worth it.

Edited by flubberghaster
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What you're really saying is, you tried for revenge and it backfired. He turned the tables on you and got you back for it, basically.

 

This is what you get when you get involved with married men. Men like that are scum, they want their cake and they want to eat it too which he did very successfully. Now he's not only probably still got his wife, but he's got the comfort of knowing you're still pining away for him after he treated you so terribly.

 

Find an available man next time. Really, I don't see how people think affairs are the path to a happy future.

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flubberghaster
What you're really saying is, you tried for revenge and it backfired. He turned the tables on you and got you back for it, basically.

 

This is what you get when you get involved with married men. Men like that are scum, they want their cake and they want to eat it too which he did very successfully. Now he's not only probably still got his wife, but he's got the comfort of knowing you're still pining away for him after he treated you so terribly.

 

Find an available man next time. Really, I don't see how people think affairs are the path to a happy future.

 

All truth. I got what I deserved, I guess the lingering question for me is; did he?

 

Wasn't my place to be judge, jury and executioner though. What a mess.

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MidnightBlue1980
All truth. I got what I deserved, I guess the lingering question for me is; did he?

 

Wasn't my place to be judge, jury and executioner though. What a mess.

 

Did he? No. There are always exceptions of course but generally speaking when the wife finds out that another woman is interested in her man and that her husband is enthralled by the idea, the wife moves fast to secure her marriage. So when you tell the wife, all you are doing is helping the MM get what he wants - a wife bending over backwards for him now and an OW pining over him.

 

It does not work in reverse though.

 

That was my experience anyway.

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Well, it is a sad situation all around. There is the old saying "hell hath no fury..." I don't think that Flubberghaster should feel bad about taking "revenge" in this case. Flinging the truth around is fine. It sounds like she would have been/would still be happy if he had chosen her after all of it, and that the regret is just that it didn't happen.

 

From a man's perspective, though, this is why it is hard for me to understand why any male would enter into an affair. Even in a straightforward, monogamous relationship, men know that women can be a bit crazy sometimes. ;)

 

So, from the very start of any cheating, even at that first flirtation, the possibility of exposure and "bunny boiling" should weigh heavily on the man's mind. I wouldn't want to live my life in a state of anxiety like that myself. I guess for those who think they can get away with it, they have some kind of sense of invulnerability, or just an inability to project out into the future.

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whichwayisup
All truth. I got what I deserved, I guess the lingering question for me is; did he?

 

Wasn't my place to be judge, jury and executioner though. What a mess.

 

It is a mess, and a painful lesson and experience to go through. You aren't the victim here, you knew he was married with children and part of you must have known he wasn't going to leave his wife and family to be with you. You just chose to believe his future faking lies.

 

Let it stay in the past. Stop contacting him, you blew up his world and he's dealing with the fallout from his wife, his parents, friends, and other family, in laws etc. The damage has been done. He is probably suffering more than he'll ever let on.

 

You can't go back, you can't have him back either. Your A was just that, an affair.

 

Hope you heal in a healthy way and forgive yourself for the choices you made. You deserve love but not with someone who is married already.

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flubberghaster

Folks, I know. I'm not proud of this. All of me wants to apologise. I'm shocked at the depths of my own anger and my inability to keep composure in the moment.

 

But its done. And I'm posting here as the flipside of the coin. The lesson is always the same: don't screw with married men.

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Veronica73

You really went all out, lol. I wouldn't feel that bad though, if I were you. (I mean, in reality, I probably would, but I tend to be overly hard on myself. But I don't think you should be.) He's an ass and not worth worrying about. He's the lying cheat. Maybe try to keep your cool and be less reactive in the future though, if you don't want people to think you are crazy. And don't date married a-holes!

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flubberghaster
Well, it is a sad situation all around. There is the old saying "hell hath no fury..." I don't think that Flubberghaster should feel bad about taking "revenge" in this case. Flinging the truth around is fine. It sounds like she would have been/would still be happy if he had chosen her after all of it, and that the regret is just that it didn't happen.

 

From a man's perspective, though, this is why it is hard for me to understand why any male would enter into an affair. Even in a straightforward, monogamous relationship, men know that women can be a bit crazy sometimes. ;)

 

So, from the very start of any cheating, even at that first flirtation, the possibility of exposure and "bunny boiling" should weigh heavily on the man's mind. I wouldn't want to live my life in a state of anxiety like that myself. I guess for those who think they can get away with it, they have some kind of sense of invulnerability, or just an inability to project out into the future.

 

Absolutely right. I wanted this life more than anything with this man. There's history here I haven't typed out here of course - the same sorry saga - a man who promises, a girl who believes, and this last trip... it was absolute left field. I had no idea it was coming. The anger didn't switch off for 5 days and landed safely back at home.

 

I can see why "crimes of passion" are such a big cause of bad things. Those feelings are indescribable. I can't imagine what he and the wife are going through as fallout.

 

I loved him dearly. Dealing.

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somanymistakes

I was just reading a news story about a woman whose husband hired a hitman to shoot her in the head while he was having an affair.

 

She wants to get back together with him and is more upset about the affair than the attempted murder.

 

People are COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL.

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Folks, I know. I'm not proud of this. All of me wants to apologise. I'm shocked at the depths of my own anger and my inability to keep composure in the moment.

 

But its done. And I'm posting here as the flipside of the coin. The lesson is always the same: don't screw with married men.

 

Flubberghaster, I think you did nothing wrong with your "revenge", and you shouldn't feel bad about it. Another saying, "all's fair in love and war..." Like you say, it is not a good idea to go after married men, but it wasn't you who took vows to a wife, and it wasn't you who made promises he couldn't keep about the future with you, the mistress. I put the blame firmly on the married partner in all of these cases.

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What_Did_I_Do
You really went all out, lol. I wouldn't feel that bad though, if I were you. (I mean, in reality, I probably would, but I tend to be overly hard on myself. But I don't think you should be.) He's an ass and not worth worrying about. He's the lying cheat. Maybe try to keep your cool and be less reactive in the future though, if you don't want people to think you are crazy. And don't date married a-holes!

 

Your post should be a warning to all those in the early giddy stages of an affair. It's all fun in the beginning but one small negative gesture or a string of hurtful words and in an instant, worlds can come crashing down. Thank you for posting this OP.

 

That said, I'm sure there are a few of us on this board that have contemplated blowing up the MM's world a time or two (heck I did).

 

Anger and hurt got the best of you here, no doubt LOL. Let the dust settle, breathe, then use this as a learning tool to move forward and yep, stay away from married men.

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FoundMyStrength

Whether you did it for the right reasons, I think you did the right thing.

 

 

 

A big regret I have about my affair is that I never told his wife. Not to hurt him, not to hurt her -- but because I do believe the betrayed spouse has a right to know what kind of person they're married to and be able to make the decision about whether to stay or go. I wish I had given her that little bit of respect. I ended up not telling her because she had just suffered a very big loss. I also was a bit of a coward and selfish, not wanting to blow up the little bit of recovery I'd made.

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To OP and all women in affairs...life is so short, wasting a few years on married or otherwise unavailable men is such a huge mistake. I'm 46 and have no idea when time passed. You don't get too many chances in life, you can't make too many mistakes, one or two and your time is up. Better stay away and find yourself someone who only cares about you, is honest and caring and will make a great life partner. Instead of wasting that time on married men, use that time on the search for the one who will be just yours.

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Folks, I know. I'm not proud of this.

 

Which part? Having the affair part or exposing the affair part?

I find it so strange that some people seem more upset about exposing the truth to a spouse about a cheater than the cheating part itself.

 

All of me wants to apologise.

 

To who?

 

You want to apologize to the MM? The man who cheated on his wife and then involved you and promised you so much and then broke you into million pieces, and then ditched you brutally to be with his wife?

The one who is now going to "work on" his marriage, with his wife on his side and the two of them being "devoted" to each other with newly earned appreciation and clarity?

The man who tossed you out like disposable and dispensable temporary distraction? The one who most likely is spending all his waking hours doing everything to his wife sitting at her feet attending to her needs and making it up to her?

 

OR...

You want to apologize to the BW? Yes, you contributed to the cheating, but so did her husband--the one who actually made the vow of honesty to her. I don't suppose she thanked you for revealing the truth to her--did she? I don't suppose she's acknowledging the irony here that her own husband is the one who betrayed and hid the truth from her and YOU are the one who revealed the truth to her, and SHE is the one who's standing by her husband.

Irony.

 

The two of them are united now.

He is portraying you as the sole criminal; She is believing that you were the sole perpetrator. She is learning to forgive him, but she will never forgive you.

 

So,

one more time,

who do you want to apologize to again?

 

Your biggest mistake #1 was, getting involved with him.

Your biggest mistake #2 was exposing him when you were still emotionally attached to him.

Because you reached out with pleading and begging to him after the Dday, no doubt he is showing all those messages to her claiming that you were the crazy one doing all the chasing from the get-go.

 

The only option you have now is:

(1) No matter what the price is, do everything within your power to never reach out.

(2) If he reaches out, have a way to record what he says and then send them to his wife, so that she sees that you were not the one to take complete blame. You can assure yourself that he is doing everything to portray you as the psycho. And that's precisely what's helping them bond with each other. Every love story needs a villain and they are using you as the villain.

 

As for your healing:

it will take time--months at the least, and years probably.

Force yourself to see him for who he really is--that's the only thing you can do.

 

On a last note:

Focus on yourself.

That's what the MM is doing--fixing his life with his wife.

That's what the BW is doing--fixing her life with her husband.

 

They are working as a team together to take care of themselves. They are not spending a single second thinking of you.

 

So, you do the same.

Take care of yourself.

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What_Did_I_Do
Which part? Having the affair part or exposing the affair part?

I find it so strange that some people seem more upset about exposing the truth to a spouse about a cheater than the cheating part itself.

 

 

 

To who?

 

You want to apologize to the MM? The man who cheated on his wife and then involved you and promised you so much and then broke you into million pieces, and then ditched you brutally to be with his wife?

The one who is now going to "work on" his marriage, with his wife on his side and the two of them being "devoted" to each other with newly earned appreciation and clarity?

The man who tossed you out like disposable and dispensable temporary distraction? The one who most likely is spending all his waking hours doing everything to his wife sitting at her feet attending to her needs and making it up to her?

 

OR...

You want to apologize to the BW? Yes, you contributed to the cheating, but so did her husband--the one who actually made the vow of honesty to her. I don't suppose she thanked you for revealing the truth to her--did she? I don't suppose she's acknowledging the irony here that her own husband is the one who betrayed and hid the truth from her and YOU are the one who revealed the truth to her, and SHE is the one who's standing by her husband.

Irony.

 

The two of them are united now.

He is portraying you as the sole criminal; She is believing that you were the sole perpetrator. She is learning to forgive him, but she will never forgive you.

 

So,

one more time,

who do you want to apologize to again?

 

Your biggest mistake #1 was, getting involved with him.

Your biggest mistake #2 was exposing him when you were still emotionally attached to him.

Because you reached out with pleading and begging to him after the Dday, no doubt he is showing all those messages to her claiming that you were the crazy one doing all the chasing from the get-go.

 

The only option you have now is:

(1) No matter what the price is, do everything within your power to never reach out.

(2) If he reaches out, have a way to record what he says and then send them to his wife, so that she sees that you were not the one to take complete blame. You can assure yourself that he is doing everything to portray you as the psycho. And that's precisely what's helping them bond with each other. Every love story needs a villain and they are using you as the villain.

 

As for your healing:

it will take time--months at the least, and years probably.

Force yourself to see him for who he really is--that's the only thing you can do.

 

On a last note:

Focus on yourself.

That's what the MM is doing--fixing his life with his wife.

That's what the BW is doing--fixing her life with her husband.

 

They are working as a team together to take care of themselves. They are not spending a single second thinking of you.

 

So, you do the same.

Take care of yourself.

 

Brilliant ^^^^

 

Burnt, I wish you could be my personal counsellor!

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flubberghaster

Thankyou everyone. This sucks, and I was one of many who scrolled through these posts even a month ago smugly feeling like this was going to end "differently". I was sure of it. Anyone who is doing the same, listen... I was CERTAIN this man was my future. I was SURE this was happening. Every ounce of intuition and 'gut feeling' and friends and mind and blood and flesh screamed that it was absolutely, without a doubt, completely going to be my future. So sure I was ready to give up a brand new home on acres, a 6 year relationship, my horses, my job, my country, and a large chunk of savings.

 

Well....

 

I'm imploring anyone else in the middle of it to get out. Its not worth it. Its really not worth it.

 

burnt - to him, for exposing it. I feel and felt no alliance or indeed, anything towards her. I wanted to grovel at his feet for forgiveness. I did, best I can, from 12, 000 miles away. He has all the power now, and I doubt it'll ever be redirected my way. I am certain he's suffering. I am certain she is. I'm sure their extended (massive) circle is. I hope his very young kids aren't. I am.

 

I don't know. You can't just stop loving someone so quickly, which is why this feels like crashing into a brick wall. Its bad news. Still at the stage of "I'd keep being your mistress just to keep you around."

 

The phone call really threw me for a loop. I expected him to sound different, like the mask had come off. But he sounded like the same man. Just rattled, and sad, and broken.

Edited by flubberghaster
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Passionfruit500

I did the same..and also 2 weeks ago. bit similar story, MM and me in different countries, rare meetings, but we were connected.. He dumped me 8 months ago anyway, back to wf, but we could not keep NC. So A went on.

Recently I started to realize it can't go on this way, we will never be together aswe intended to earlier..etc. And just before our last meeting he told methat "wf is pregnant, but I want to go on with our relationship". I was devastated, I knew it was really the end of my hope, end of us. So we spent some days together...

 

Then once back home, I wrote a message to wf and atttached some screenshots of our texting back in 8months, so as she could see we did not split actually, and it was emotional and physical as well. I also made her aware that we had sex even these past days. Reaction was also similar as you got flabbergasted, she wrote they were ok, united , nothing changes etc.. But surely it was bullsh as couple of mins later I got furious texts from MM asking why I did this, and why now. I told him it was over my limitation this time..

 

then he blocked me and NC, but I also planned this. For my well being it was the right thing to do, rather than letting it poisoning me inside, day by day. Now I do what many others here: keep saying he was a liar, coward and weak. But healing will be slow I know

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Wow. So in what percentage of affairs do you think the OW discloses everything to the BW when the MM dumps OW?

 

I can't imagine doing that, I actually hope my MM can find happiness, with or without me. I got myself into it so it's up to me to deal with the pain and get out of it. If he doesn't choose me then obviously I'm better off without him.

 

But I guess I get it intellectually. And as the BW I would want to know.

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Wow. So in what percentage of affairs do you think the OW discloses everything to the BW when the MM dumps OW?

 

I can't imagine doing that, I actually hope my MM can find happiness, with or without me. I got myself into it so it's up to me to deal with the pain and get out of it. If he doesn't choose me then obviously I'm better off without him.

 

But I guess I get it intellectually. And as the BW I would want to know.

 

Not exactly the same situation, but the other BS in my W's A disclosed a lot of info to my from her WH, like I did to her from my WW. Comparing stories, trying to find the real answers. It was very effective. Short version, everything was my BW's fault (in his story), chased him for years, initiated everything. Poor guy had no choice.

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flubberghaster

My period was late. On Friday I took 4 tests. Positive. He's the only man I've been with since November.

 

I sent him the details on the one avenue he hasn't blocked me on.

 

7 hours later he responded. "I'll call you tomorrow at 8." I said no, I'd rather you call me now. He did.

 

He was icy. Its been 3 weeks no contact, and he finally sounded like the mask had come off. He wanted NOTHING to do with me, and savagely reminded me so. He basically said, its your choice but I want nothing to do with you, or this kid. I tried to ask questions, he shut them all down. "You gave up your privilege to know anything about my life." He basically chastised me, "had you been a girl girl I'd support you through this; but because you haven't? you're on your own." He made it absolutely clear he lied to both me, and his wife, and they are trying to rebuild. And that he wants exactly nothing to do with me, my life, or anything that happens from here on in. He refused to answer most questions. He grindingly said I was on my own until the blood test. He very coldly asked "you have one chance... one.... to tell me if this is a lie or not."

 

"You and I have no relationship. I want nothing to do with you. You're a monster." I begged him not to hang up, and he haughtily said "maybe I'll call you later. But I didn't even want to speak to you now. I have things to do. Goodbye."

 

I have a blood test confirmation in 2 weeks. I am so, so lost. I didn't realise this could get worse. I'm 26 years old, we used condoms this last time. I can't say I studied the damn things afterwards though.

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Ravensglen

Whether he wants anything to do with the kid or not, that doesn’t absolve him of his responsibility— if he is the father , he helped create the child and he has at minimum a financial obligation to the kid. If he wants to be mad at someone he can be mad at himself. He is probably projecting his own self loathing and self hatred into you.

 

I have no idea what’s involved with getting a father in another country to pay child support but you may want to talk to a Lawyer

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Don’t believe his lies about if you hadn’t done this he’d have done that. He’d have found another way to weasel out of it. What a pos. I am so sorry.

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flubberghaster

Thankyou, guys. I'm sitting here at work numb. I don't know how to get past this. His reception to the news was chilling. I guess I'm just going to have to pick the right path for me, and not involve him one on one. This whole thing has me feeling so incredibly ill. I didn't know this was his true face. I really had no idea.

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Miss Clavel
Thankyou, guys. I'm sitting here at work numb. I don't know how to get past this. His reception to the news was chilling. I guess I'm just going to have to pick the right path for me, and not involve him one on one. This whole thing has me feeling so incredibly ill. I didn't know this was his true face. I really had no idea.

 

it doesn't matter what he wants anymore. he's the father so tough ****.

 

however, if you keep his baby he will be in your life forever and so will his wife and their children.

 

do you really want this POS around?

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