Post Divorce - exW & AP

[Wookin Pa Nub]

My divorce just finalized. During the lengthy separation, especially, at the beginning my ex W requested my AP (gf who lives in different city) not be around kids, I not be seen around town with her due to gossip getting back to kids, and my ex W was worried my AP would be moving to my city and she would be running into us around town. My ex W has a very negative impression of my AP, understandable so, but I take full responsibility for the affair. W and I did try to reconcile early on and I was pushing the blame on my AP but really I initiated things. I told my W the AP was sexually aggressive.

 

 

I have honored my ex W request and we have kept a low profile but now that divorce is over, I am not going to be shy about being out and about with her when she's visiting. My ex W is bound to meet her at some point.

 

 

Now I know they will not become best friends but what advice would you give me to help make sure we all get along in public? After divorce settlement ex W and I have been working in a very positive fashion to move forward and remain friends. I would love for us to invite each other and our new SO to kids events - graduation parties for example.

[Adiron]

Now I know they will not become best friends but what advice would you give me to help make sure we all get along in public?

 

 

My advice would be to not cheat on your wife and then expect her to be ok with you parading around town with the girl you cheated on her with and expect her to get along with this person who had a part in breaking up your marriage and completely disrespecting her role as your committed life partner.

 

If there are problems in your marriage, get divorced and THEN go meet someone new, in that order, don't just step outside your marriage, have sex with a woman and expect your wife to be perfectly ok with this deceptive, cowardly, extremely hurtful act on your part.

 

But you are asking just a little bit too late so all I can say is that if you have an ounce of human compassion then do what your wife asks.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

My A and AP were not the cause of our bad marriage. I had a very bad marriage for a long time. Yes I made a mistake in having an affair. We both regret having affair and hurting people.

 

 

I did honor my ex W wishes and kept a low profile. Now the divorce is over, we are not going to throwing relationship in her face but I am not going to keep gf locked up.

 

 

Just looking for advice to help all of us move forward in positive fashion rather than nasty replies condemning me for my mistakes.

[FMW]

You're just going to have to play it by ear, be low key about it and see how your xW handles it.

 

Of course your GF should be as involved in your life as you want her to be, which includes your kids, but just take it slow and "read" the reactions. Hopefully your GF is sensitive enough to know she needs to handle things gently. Baby steps.

[BaileyB]

It's up to your ex-wife and your AP to behave in a mature and respectful way. If your ex-wife is not able to do that, then you tell her in no uncertain terms that her behavior is not acceptable.

 

I would try to avoid her as much as possible. Don't flaunt your relationship in her face. Try to respect the fact that your AP doesn't need to go to your children's sports events/concerts. Try to keep your distance if possible.

[Adiron]

If your ex-wife is not able to do that, then you tell her in no uncertain terms that her behavior is not acceptable.

 

 

I'm thinking that's not a workable strategy given that his wife has no reason to agree to anything he says and just about every reason to tell him where he can go with his dictation of her behavior.

[HiCrunchy]

I would minimize the interactions between your wife and ap our of respect for ur wife.

 

Ur ap can be in ur kids life but there is no reason your wife has to accept the ap partner into her life. Both of these people shouldn't have to share the same space if they dont have to.

 

For example: Xmas can be done in 2 houses instead of one; you can compromise on kids games, alternate so u and AP can go to one and ur wife can attend the next; u and ur ap can have one graduation party and ur wife can host another one for the kids....etc

 

This is a pickle and really hard to navigate......

Of u choose to have a long term relationship with ap ur gonna have to accept the consequences of engaging in that onset of relationship. This is one of the consequences

Edited June 26, 2018 by HiCrunchy

[HiCrunchy]

I would love for us to invite each other and our new SO to kids events - graduation parties for example.

 

This isnt realistic. A wife a more likely to do this with the new gf not the AP that ruined her marriage.

 

Best u can hope for is her acting civil when u HAVE TO interact.

[BaileyB]

I'm thinking that's not a workable strategy given that his wife has no reason to agree to anything he says and just about every reason to tell him where he can go with his dictation of her behavior.

 

Except that they have children. She has a responsibility to her children to model good behavior - to treat others with respect, and not to put the children in the middle of this awful situation.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It's up to your ex-wife and your AP to behave in a mature and respectful way. If your ex-wife is not able to do that, then you tell her in no uncertain terms that her behavior is not acceptable.

 

I would try to avoid her as much as possible. Don't flaunt your relationship in her face. Try to respect the fact that your AP doesn't need to go to your children's sports events/concerts. Try to keep your distance if possible.

 

Yeah, kinda hard for either of the AP’s to take the position of behaviour being unacceptable this early. The other side has way more ammuntion in regard to “unacceptable behaviours”.

 

What does taking responsibity for the affair mean to you OP?

 

If it is only you stating “yes I had an affair”, then you are going to have a hard row to hoe.

 

Accountability for the affair will get you far better results towards your goal.

 

Giving your xwife space in her hometown until she is on more firmer ground in her life costs you nothing. Let her have the usual places that she would shop at, restaurants etc.

 

Ask your xwife what she is comfortable with, taking her feelings into consideration would show her that you are taking responsibilty and accountability for your previous actions.

 

Err on the side of empathy.

[Adiron]

Except that they have children. She has a responsibility to her children to model good behavior - to treat others with respect, and not to put the children in the middle of this awful situation.

 

 

The exwife could easily say she is not the one who started with the bad behavior and lack of respect and did not create this awful situation. And she'd be right. You'd be surprised at how fast responsibility and morals and values and ethics go out the window when emotions come into play.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Except that they have children. She has a responsibility to her children to model good behavior - to treat others with respect, and not to put the children in the middle of this awful situation.

 

Again, that mindset/position will only highlight the OP lack of treating their family respectfully. Kinda like bringing an elastic band to a grenade fight. He simply does not have the track record himself to hold others accountable for their behaviours.

 

It is not uncommon for BS to insist that the AP not be in their childs life.

 

I agree with the poster who state that this is a consequence of an affair.

 

Instead of dismissing the BW feelings with a blanket of her being disrespectful, seek to see them for what they are. The BW wants to feel safe in her own hometown. She wants her privacy while reorganizing her life.

 

Giving the BW time to reestablish her new identity without the “Mrs” title cost the OP nothing. By doing so, the OP might just earn goodwill tokens.

[Adiron]

^^Excellent advice right there that I doubt will be taken because the Op does not appear to be concerned with the feelings of others, he just wants to wipe the slate clean and prance around town with the woman he cheated with and to hell with his exwife's feelings.

 

 

 

But people are capable of change so lets keep our fingers crossed.

[BaileyB]

Yeah, kinda hard for either of the AP’s to take the position of behaviour being unacceptable this early. The other side has way more ammuntion in regard to “unacceptable behaviours”.

 

Err on the side of empathy.

 

I don't disagree. Not at all.

[BaileyB]

Except that they have children. She has a responsibility to her children to model good behavior - to treat others with respect, and not to put the children in the middle of this awful situation.

 

To be fair, he has the same responsibility to his children. And yes, I would say that he has definitely not been successful in treating his ex-wife with the respect that she deserved.

 

Does she have the right to feel safe in her hometown, absolutely. Does she have the right to feel safe at her children's sporting events and graduation, absolutely.

 

This is going to take a long, long, long time to come together OP - if it comes together, ever. You will certainly not do yourself any favours by forcing your AP on your ex-wife and flaunting your new relationship.

 

But, I still say that everyone in this situation is an adult and as such, they should do their best to rise above - for the sake of the children. I would suggest to you OP that your best way to rise above is to avoid bringing your AP to your children's events. Try to avoid her as much as possible and give her the time and space that she needs to recover from your betrayal.

[Adiron]

I would say that he has definitely not been successful in treating his ex-wife with the respect that she deserved.

 

 

Seriously? You say it like he actually TRIED and yet failed despite his best efforts.

[BaileyB]

Seriously? You say it like he actually TRIED and yet failed despite his best efforts.

 

What are you talking about? I said nothing of the sort. I clearly said that he has not treated his wife with the respect that she deserves. Please don't twist my words.

 

Let's focus on the topic of discussion please.

Edited June 26, 2018 by BaileyB

[pepperbird]

IMHO, there is no need to force the issue. Give your ex and your kids time to adjust to the one status quo of mom and dad not being together anymore before you start trying to force your ow into the mix.

 

 

Right now, there is no need for your ow to come to any "family" events. She is not fmaily. In time, if your relationships with her becomes more established, she may become your family, but right now, she is an interloper, and if you really want to put your kids first, then keep her away.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Thanks - lots of good advice but also some judgey comments (maybe deserved).

 

 

We've been separated for 15 months (and officially divorced now) and I have kept my AP/gf behind the scenes so to speak. Not going to kids events, not going to restaurants/bars my ex W typically goes to, not posting anything on social media.

 

 

I have taken it slow but I am not going to keep gf behind closed doors. I would take my gf to kids sporting events at some point. I guess taking it slow is best. I was wondering if I should reach out to ex W and get her input. What do you think?

[HiCrunchy]

Thanks - lots of good advice but also some judgey comments (maybe deserved).

 

 

We've been separated for 15 months (and officially divorced now) and I have kept my AP/gf behind the scenes so to speak. Not going to kids events, not going to restaurants/bars my ex W typically goes to, not posting anything on social media.

 

 

I have taken it slow but I am not going to keep gf behind closed doors. I would take my gf to kids sporting events at some point. I guess taking it slow is best. I was wondering if I should reach out to ex W and get her input. What do you think?

 

Propose to her what I told u about alternating games another other events with the kids.

 

Like I said, she shouldn't have to be in the same room as ur ap. She she decides to stop going to the games because of ur ap ur kids are gonna hate u and her.

 

Compromising and alternating is the best bet

[niteandfog]

I am the ex OW now GF. We don't go to do the school rubs together (even though we both have kids at the same school). Tomorrow it's a sporting event and I'm not attending to respect his ex even though my daughter is taking part in it.

 

 

 

His ex doesn't want me to be part of the kids life at all. I think that's just a common state of affairs.

 

So ithink for a while (but not forever) just give in to her demands.

[AlwaysGrowing]

To those who have never experienced betrayal 15 months sounds like a long time. There is so much going on internally and externally for the betrayed that they havent had a moments peace in their life, they are still figuring out who they are now, they are still raw. All of it against their will.

 

Giving your xwife a voice and choice in the matter will go a long way in assisting her to move forward.

 

Ask her what she feels comfortable with. Be prepared that she might not be comfortable with any of it....right now. If her own life is still in turmoil, is it reasonable to expect her to make yours easier?

 

At the end of day your AP chose to enter your xwife life in a negative way, not many would ever forgive or forget that. It is a natural consequence of being an AP.

[BMP2CPM]

I’ll give a man’s perspective, with none of the shaming.

 

When you marry your AP, it really limits the ex’s options. Affairs get seriously legitimate with this who know the details once you marry your AP. All those who opposed the affair to begin with have to keep quiet once you marry your AP.

 

And let’s face it, your gf did not go into this situation to be your gf. She wants to win the prize.

 

Good luck!

[Artdeco]

How does your girlfriend feel about this? I think it’s a little bit disrespectful towards her to keep her behind closed doors. Why are you still hiding her? I don’t think your ex-wife should have much of an input on how you conduct your relationship post D. Have your kids met the girlfriend?

[BaileyB]

How does your girlfriend feel about this? I think it’s a little bit disrespectful towards her to keep her behind closed doors. Why are you still hiding her? I don’t think your ex-wife should have much of an input on how you conduct your relationship post D. Have your kids met the girlfriend?

 

Indeed. Because, the most important person to concerned about hurting is the new girlfriend who knowingly made the decision to sleep with another women's husband... I don't think so. This woman made her bed, now she gets to lay in it.

 

I'm not saying this to be unkind, it's just the reality of the situation. The reality of the situation is that the ex-wife doesn't have input into how you conduct your relationship... But, it will be to your benefit long term if you are considerate of her feelings and give her time to get settled into this new normal.

 

But - the most important people to consider in this are the children. All parties should be working to protect the children such that they feel safe and comfortable in the knowledge that the drama in their parents life is not going to spill over into their own lives. Just my very humble opinion...