This is my story.

[closetohome]

Thank you to those people for taking the time to reply to my initial post. I really do appreciate your words. I think it’s time that I share my story. I’m sorry if it is long.

 

The MM (or exMM I should say) in my life is a neighbour. He lives right across the street. We have lived on the same street for 6 years. For the first 3 1/2 years, there was nothing but a neighbourly relationship. Our kids played, we saw each other as neighbours do outside. We would communicate every now and then, through text, to figure out the kids playing, when to come home, etc. Nothing more, just friendly parent talk.

 

In December 2015, he texted me to see if the kids could play. That day, our conversation lasted for 5 hours. Chatting, getting to know each other, and looking back, the first signs of flirtation on both sides. That conversation has changed the last 2 1/2 years of my life. He ended the conversation asking if I’d like to do it again. I said yes. I wish I could go back and change how I responded. Maybe I would have saved myself all the pain and sadness I have gone through. Maybe I would have stopped things before they started. Sadly, that isn’t so. I said yes, not knowing what exactly I was getting myself into. I thought we’d just have some friendly conversation. I wasn’t looking for anything beyond that. I thought I could handle being friends like that. I was dead wrong.

 

From that day in December 2015, and for the next 7 weeks, we texted all day every day. We got to know each other. We flirted. We showed immense interest and care about each other and our lives. On top of that, we were so attracted to each other. It was a dangerous combination. It was only a few weeks before we met in person. We talked for an hour. He held my hand. We hugged a lot. I didn’t back away. Nothing else happened that night. We just had a strong desire to see each other.

 

A couple weeks later, he asked me to meet him at a restaurant during the day. It was our first “date”. We met, had some drinks, and talked for hours. It felt really good, and I could tell by this point that we were getting closer to each other and that something was happening. I felt scared, nervous, apprehensive, yet excited, giddy, and happy. All at the same time. It was confusing for me. He wanted to kiss me that day. I didn’t let him. A week later, we met again. We kissed. It was electric. And so began the physical side of our relationship, on top of getting closer to each other emotionally. I was now in way over my head and I knew it. Yet I still didn’t stop it. We met probably a total of 8 times. I want to be clear that he and I never slept together. We messed around, but never had sex. It almost happened though. We planned 2 nights away together, for work. Each doing our own thing, but we planned it for the same time and in the same place. We knew what was going to happen. Two weeks before our trip, he started to become more distant. I wouldn’t hear from him as much, he wasn’t being as affectionate as he usually was. I knew something was off. I felt confused and foolish, yet I pushed even more because I felt he was slipping away. One week before our trip, he ended things with me. He told me that he had to work on his marriage and become a better husband and father. He told me that our time together was very special to him, he cared about me, but we needed to stop. I was devastated. I cried my eyes out for 2 days. It was excruciating to deal with this sudden loss while trying to be my normal self around my husband (whom I will speak about in another post) and my children.

 

ExMM and I didn’t speak for 2 1/2 weeks. Then, one day, we saw each other outside. I reached out through text to ask how he was doing. We talked and by the end of the conversation, he had asked me if I wanted to be friends. He thought we could be good friends, but wasn’t sure if I wanted to. I was still so heartbroken at this point that I stupidly agreed. Again, I wish I could go back to that day and I wish that I hadn’t reached out to him. That day, our so called friendship began. Little did I know it would cause me years of emotional pain, uncertainty, and doubt, coupled with periods of super highs and feelings of closeness once again. We were now in an emotional affair. It didn’t take long for us to begin texting almost every day. It was extremely difficult to keep the friendship line and not cross it. We both had trouble sticking to boundaries. Our “friendship” began in February, and by April we were back to flirting. This eventually led to sexting and explicit photos. I remember after the first night of sexting and photos, crying all the way to work the next day. I was disappointed in myself that I did that. I was mad at myself, but I still didn’t stop it. I thought it was better to have him in my life than to not.

 

I am not exaggerating when I say that him and I have gone through the same cycle/pattern at least 8 times in the last 2 1/2 years. We get close, text all day, explicit talk and photos, happy to be around each other outside on the street, and then he drops me. Every time. He tells me that he cares about me, but it’s not right and he has to focus on his marriage and family. There have been times where it has ended very badly, saying awful and hurtful things to each other. Me being tired of feeling used and then dropped. Each time he ends it with me, it feels so final. I think to myself, this is definitely it. We are never going to speak again. It’s over. Time passes, we avoid each other, and then somehow we reconnect. And the cycle repeats itself again. The longest stretch where we haven’t been involved emotionally/texting has been almost 6 months. Then this past April, we started talking again. We texted every day for two months. Then a few weeks ago, he dropped me again. I knew it would end again, yet I willfully wanted to start it up again. Every time it ends, I go through the same range of feelings and emotions. I feel used, disposable, and sad. Sometimes I get downright mad and angry, and it helps me a to hold on to that because I feel like I can let go of him a little bit. But that anger eventually turns to sadness. And I start missing him again.

 

This time, when he ended it again for the umpteenth time, I didn’t beg. I didn’t say cruel words. I told him that I understood and I would respect his decision. Inside I felt hurt and extreme sadness, but I let him go. I told him that I would not reach out and I haven’t.

 

It is next to impossible to heal and try to move on from this when he is directly across the street. I’m doing my best to be friendly but distant. If I see him outside I wave and smile. But I haven’t been putting forth any effort to communicate farther than that. It’s quite sad for me to have to pretend in front of everyone that we barely know each other when we have had a secret connection for over 2 years. I know in my heart that this is for the best and ultimately I want him gone from my life so I can heal, work on myself and my marriage. But it is so hard. I miss him when he is absent from my life. I think about him all the time. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I want to live my best life with my husband and two children. I feel as though I’m never going to be able to escape it. I’m worried that one day he will try to come back, when he starts missing me, or when he feels like the risk has worn off. It has happened time and time again. I have proven to myself that I can’t say no. Or I should rephrase that. I can say no, but I never do. I know this is going nowhere. I know that I don’t want to leave my husband. I know that I don’t want to divorce my husband. So why do I let myself keep doing this? It is disheartening and I feel like a failure to myself and to my family. I want to get to the day where I can see him and he doesn’t affect me. But I am nowhere close, even though I pretend.

 

I’m not really sure what I’m asking at this point. Just putting this all out there is quite cathartic for me. I know that I have a lot I need to work through. I am in IC. I feel a little stronger every day. I just don’t know how to make it stick. For good this time.

 

Thank you for listening to my story.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm sorry for your obvious suffering. A few things come to mind for me.

 

I sense a lot of boredom going on here. He is occupying himself, probably while at work, by texting you and getting a rush out of having you swoon over him. However, he does not really want a real affair, he does not want to actually destroy his life. He just wants a little fun and distraction and you are willing to provide it. Plus no matter how he treats you, you go right back. Why?

 

Probably because you are bored yourself and were seeking attention (without being aware of it). Are you a SAHM with little kids? It was probably a rush to have a man pay attention to you. Probably had been a while since you felt that rush, that connection.

 

So why do you keep going back, even though you hate yourself for it? It's part bad habit and part that you crave the attention. This is all really normal stuff for a woman in your situation. You are hardly alone. But how to stop it. Like any bad habit, you just stop cold turkey and each day, you get a little stronger. Stop being nice and waving to him. Ignore him and if he contacts you again, which he will, ignore him.

 

Easy for me to say of course. So how can you fill that void? You need something else. What is missing from your life? A job (or better job)? Friends? Hobbies? Obviously your marriage but everyone will write about that so I'm skipping it.

 

BTW, he's not a nice guy. He's a real jerk and he certainly does not care about you.

[BaileyB]

I sense an awful lot of boredom and attention seeking here... You say that you don't want to leave your husband, but what is the state of your marriage? Do you love your husband? Do you talk, laugh, play, have sex with your husband?

 

Thank goodness, this affair has not been physical - yet! But the photos, did you send him suggestive photos of yourself? If so, what the heck are you thinking... giving this man the evidence needed to blow up your marriage and your family?

 

Get thee to a counsellor, ASAP. You need to figure out what is missing in you that you would allow this relationship to develop at great risk to your marriage, your family, and your future happiness. Good luck!

[stillafool]

So now tell us about your husband and kids.

[closetohome]

I'm sorry for your obvious suffering. A few things come to mind for me.

 

I sense a lot of boredom going on here. He is occupying himself, probably while at work, by texting you and getting a rush out of having you swoon over him. However, he does not really want a real affair, he does not want to actually destroy his life. He just wants a little fun and distraction and you are willing to provide it. Plus no matter how he treats you, you go right back. Why?

 

Probably because you are bored yourself and were seeking attention (without being aware of it). Are you a SAHM with little kids? It was probably a rush to have a man pay attention to you. Probably had been a while since you felt that rush, that connection.

 

So why do you keep going back, even though you hate yourself for it? It's part bad habit and part that you crave the attention. This is all really normal stuff for a woman in your situation. You are hardly alone. But how to stop it. Like any bad habit, you just stop cold turkey and each day, you get a little stronger. Stop being nice and waving to him. Ignore him and if he contacts you again, which he will, ignore him.

 

Easy for me to say of course. So how can you fill that void? You need something else. What is missing from your life? A job (or better job)? Friends? Hobbies? Obviously your marriage but everyone will write about that so I'm skipping it.

 

BTW, he's not a nice guy. He's a real jerk and he certainly does not care about you.

 

Thank you Midnight for your response. You are right about a few things. The majority of our texting takes place throughout the day, while at work. In the beginning, we would text while at home as well. However, that has diminished more and more over time. And then it became while strictly at work. I am not a stay at home mom. I have a full time career. My children keep me very busy and I love that.

 

I do agree with you. I have lost myself in the midst of all of this, and likely leading up to this affair. I crave an emotional connection, and that has been absent from my marriage for quite some time. My husband and I were not spending time together. Quality time diminished and we were basically living in the same house, passing each other in the wind. Except when we are with our children. It was extremely sad for me. I donÂ’t think I realized how distant we had become until it was so far gone. I didnÂ’t know how to repair our lost connection, and I turned in the wrong direction. The attention and excitement I felt with exMM was enough to get me hooked. I constantly felt and still feel like I need his attention and validation in some way, when every parts of me wants to want that from my husband instead.

 

I had a very emotional talk with my husband in November 2017. I have never disclosed the affair, but he knows that I am very unhappy and I expressed to him that he must be too. We committed ourselves to work on our marriage and to try to rebuild it, knowing that we have a lot of work to do. Unfortunately , at the end of that month, he became very sick. He was diagnosed with a chronic disease and on top of that, severe nerve pain from a back issue. He was basically in bed for 6 months, while I took care of everything. I supported him all the way, but I have to be honest. It was extremely difficult and I was hurting. I put our marriage on hold while I tried to stay afloat with everything. The kids, house, and my mental health as well. I took 3 months off of work because I couldnÂ’t cope with it all. My husband is slowly staring to feel a little better, but he is nowhere near being back to 100%. That is going to take quite some time. But I can see that he is trying, to be more present with me and the kids. We are talking more and spending more time together, but we have a long ways to go. The little bits that I do see give me hope that we will get to a really good place again. We have not been physical in well over a year. That has also been very hard on me. It is probably the last thing from his mind, as he was just focusing on surviving the day for so many months. I want the physical connection back. I just donÂ’t know where to start. ItÂ’s hard to be intimate when that has been absent for so long, and the emotional connection has been gone for so long. So we agreed, baby steps. One thing at a time. And just the fact that we are talking more and trying to spend more time together is a positive thing for me.

 

I donÂ’t know if this answers your questions. Boy do I ever ramble on.

[BaileyB]

Have you been to marriage counselling? Would you consider it now?

Edited June 24, 2018 by BaileyB

[closetohome]

Have you been to marriage counselling? Would you consider it now?

 

Bailey,

 

We have been to marriage counseling in the past. But that was about 8 years ago. I have recommended this to him, he didn’t think we needed it (that was over a year ago). I think I am going to bring it up again though, because I just don’t know how to repair our marriage on our own.

[BaileyB]

Well no, I can well imagine that you don't know how to repair your marriage on your own. You have dealt with life stresses or work and children, a chronic illness, and you have turned away from your marriage. It is not unreasonable to think that you need some help.

 

Perhaps your husband would be more willing to attend if he truly knew that his marriage was hanging in the balance...

[closetohome]

Well no, I can well imagine that you don't know how to repair your marriage on your own. You have dealt with life stresses or work and children, a chronic illness, and you have turned away from your marriage. It is not unreasonable to think that you need some help.

 

Perhaps your husband would be more willing to attend if he truly knew that his marriage was hanging in the balance...

 

While I can completely see where you are coming from (and I have considered telling him), I have decided that I am not willing to do that. This situation is incredibly close to home, and the heartache that would follow from our indiscretion (on both my end and exMM) is not something I’m willing to pursue. I’m going to carry this burden on my own.

 

I do believe that if I explain to my husband how important this is for us, he will want to go too. I know he wants me to be happy and he knows that I want him to be happy. We just need to find our happiness together again.

[DKT3]

So your connection with your husband has gotten better over the past 2.5 years?

 

I ask because it's the secret of the affair that creates the distance, not really the affair itself. Once you've had breaks in the affair your connection didn't get better.

 

Authenticity and vulnerabilities create bonding and closeness not secrets and lies.

[closetohome]

So your connection with your husband has gotten better over the past 2.5 years?

 

I ask because it's the secret of the affair that creates the distance, not really the affair itself. Once you've had breaks in the affair your connection didn't get better.

 

Authenticity and vulnerabilities create bonding and closeness not secrets and lies.

 

DKT3,

No, our connection has not improved overall over the past 2 1/2 years. This has been the length of time I have been in and out of this emotional affair, and I understand what you are saying. It is my hope that I can create closeness and bonding in other ways. The first step being me telling him how truly unhappy I have been over the past couple of years. This time, I plan on being very specific with him and telling him exactly what I need in order to feel fulfilled in our marriage. I want and expect him to do the same with me. We, unfortunately, sweep many of our marital issues under the rug and hope they’ll go away. They never do. I’m determined this time to make the changes and do the work.

 

If telling him were that easy, I would. But the fact that he lives across the street and there are children and spouses involved makes it much more difficult. I can’t do that. I accept full responsibility for my part in all of this, but I’m just not willing to go there.

[DKT3]

DKT3,

No, our connection has not improved overall over the past 2 1/2 years. This has been the length of time I have been in and out of this emotional affair, and I understand what you are saying. It is my hope that I can create closeness and bonding in other ways. The first step being me telling him how truly unhappy I have been over the past couple of years. This time, I plan on being very specific with him and telling him exactly what I need in order to feel fulfilled in our marriage. I want and expect him to do the same with me. We, unfortunately, sweep many of our marital issues under the rug and hope they’ll go away. They never do. I’m determined this time to make the changes and do the work.

 

If telling him were that easy, I would. But the fact that he lives across the street and there are children and spouses involved makes it much more difficult. I can’t do that. I accept full responsibility for my part in all of this, but I’m just not willing to go there.

 

Then you aren't willing to improve your marriage. You basically want your husband to improve. It doesn't work that way.

 

Now, let's get honest, you don't want to tell because YOU don't want to face the consequences of your actions. Were your concerns really about spouses and kids then you would not have been in this situation for near 3 years.

 

One thing you will find here are a bunch of mirrors, and people who have been there and understand the motivations.

[closetohome]

Then you aren't willing to improve your marriage. You basically want your husband to improve. It doesn't work that way.

 

Now, let's get honest, you don't want to tell because YOU don't want to face the consequences of your actions. Were your concerns really about spouses and kids then you would not have been in this situation for near 3 years.

 

One thing you will find here are a bunch of mirrors, and people who have been there and understand the motivations.

 

I am willing to improve my marriage. My husband is too. That’s all I am concentrating on right now. We both need to improve and we both acknowledge that.

 

I do have concern for my children. Obviously I do. They are my life and I know that. I am a good person who made bad decisions, but I don’t feel as though that means I can’t change for the better and work towards having a happy and healthy narriage again with my husband.

[DKT3]

I am willing to improve my marriage. My husband is too. That’s all I am concentrating on right now. We both need to improve and we both acknowledge that.

 

I do have concern for my children. Obviously I do. They are my life and I know that. I am a good person who made bad decisions, but I don’t feel as though that means I can’t change for the better and work towards having a happy and healthy narriage again with my husband.

 

I don't want you to feel attacked here. I'm not saying you don't have concerns for your kids, what I'm saying it those concerns weren't enough to prevent these actions, therefore shouldn't be used for a reason to not hold yourself accountable.

[closetohome]

I don't want you to feel attacked here. I'm not saying you don't have concerns for your kids, what I'm saying it those concerns weren't enough to prevent these actions, therefore shouldn't be used for a reason to not hold yourself accountable.

 

I can agree with you there. Even though I have chosen not to disclose to my husband, I do hold myself accountable. Completely. I know how badly I want my marriage and family to move forward. Happy, content, and together. So I’ll keep going, doing my best to make changes for the better along the way. I’m determined to get there.

[BaileyB]

While I can completely see where you are coming from (and I have considered telling him), I have decided that I am not willing to do that. This situation is incredibly close to home, and the heartache that would follow from our indiscretion (on both my end and exMM) is not something I’m willing to pursue. I’m going to carry this burden on my own.

 

Whether you tell him the truth about your neighbour or not, it seems to me that your marriage is hanging in the balance. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy marriage that is not meeting your needs.

 

Staying in a marriage while conducting an affair with your neighbour is not going to solve any of your problems... In fact, should you be discovered, it will cause more problems than you can begin to imagine...

[DKT3]

I can agree with you there. Even though I have chosen not to disclose to my husband, I do hold myself accountable. Completely. I know how badly I want my marriage and family to move forward. Happy, content, and together. So I’ll keep going, doing my best to make changes for the better along the way. I’m determined to get there.

 

So, is it the first time in all the breaking up with your boyfriend across the street you've been "determined ".

 

Had this been a one time thing were to texted for a month sent a few dirty pictures then that determination may hold some meaning.

 

How are you holding yourself accountable? You are still interacting with the guy across the street. You've had periods on inactivity, so what's different? Simply saying you didn't beg isn't enough.

 

You cant tell your husband? So what about your mother? Or a sister, friend, someone who will question your actions? Self accountability has failed you and will again.

[Dreamer2017]

Dear Closetohome,

As per your post, I am concerned that you are not in the mental state to save your marriage. I believe the only reason you had to re-engage your husband is that your AP decided (rightfully so) to restore his marriage and family. Your husband and family became your plan B and remain so. You and your husband need to engage in IC before marriage counseling.

 

You need to remove yourself from the affair and concentrate on your family and accept your responsibility of causing the affair. I believe your husband needed to be told of your affair if you want to be totally transparent with the desire to restore what was lost. I don’t believe you are done with the affair; you are only waiting until your OM return for more.

 

You must decide what is important for you and your family and move forward.

 

There is still hope if you are willing to invest the time and your heart.

 

Best,

Dreamer

[closetohome]

So, is it the first time in all the breaking up with your boyfriend across the street you've been "determined ".

 

Had this been a one time thing were to texted for a month sent a few dirty pictures then that determination may hold some meaning.

 

How are you holding yourself accountable? You are still interacting with the guy across the street. You've had periods on inactivity, so what's different? Simply saying you didn't beg isn't enough.

 

You cant tell your husband? So what about your mother? Or a sister, friend, someone who will question your actions? Self accountability has failed you and will again.

 

This isn’t the first time I have been determined to stop talking to him, no. He is not my boyfriend. I can see how you would not hold meaning to that, from the outside. But God knows I have tried. Doesn’t mean I don’t stop trying and have success one day soon.

 

Him and I aren’t speaking. Yeah, we see each other in passing outside but that’s basically it. It is over and I am doing the best I can to distance myself. All I can say is that I feel stronger this time and I’m going to do all I can not to repeat my mistakes. I know it sounds crazy to be saying that while at the same time wanting to improve my marriage and be happy again. But it’s true. It’s a constant battle that I have proven to lose. I just haven’t given up yet.

 

My siblings and two best friends know about what has happened. They are supportive and have helped me through some rough times. I know you don’t think I’m holding myself accountable, but in my mind I am. It’s hard. Damn hard. I wish I was never in the position I’m in. But I made the choices I did. I acknowledge them, and I want to move on. This is a total process for me.

[DKT3]

This isn’t the first time I have been determined to stop talking to him, no. He is not my boyfriend. I can see how you would not hold meaning to that, from the outside. But God knows I have tried. Doesn’t mean I don’t stop trying and have success one day soon.

 

Him and I aren’t speaking. Yeah, we see each other in passing outside but that’s basically it. It is over and I am doing the best I can to distance myself. All I can say is that I feel stronger this time and I’m going to do all I can not to repeat my mistakes. I know it sounds crazy to be saying that while at the same time wanting to improve my marriage and be happy again. But it’s true. It’s a constant battle that I have proven to lose. I just haven’t given up yet.

 

My siblings and two best friends know about what has happened. They are supportive and have helped me through some rough times. I know you don’t think I’m holding myself accountable, but in my mind I am. It’s hard. Damn hard. I wish I was never in the position I’m in. But I made the choices I did. I acknowledge them, and I want to move on. This is a total process for me.

This is a place where you don't need to explain how hard these things are.

 

I'm talking about someone not your husband who will hold you accountable, not be supportive. Had you had someone holding you accountable you would be farther along.

 

You can acknowledge your poor behavior and choices, but do you understand why you made those choices. Easy answer, my marriage was bad, is not why.

 

I asked how you hold yourself accountable, you had no answer. Just saying you are is no different than saying you want to end the affair while actively pursuing the affair. It means nothing.

 

Again, I'm not attacking you, I want you to see the big picture. I want you to understand this affair is a issue in your marriage that isn't going to go away because you say it will. You will never build a foundation for a better marriage without dealing with it. Dealing with it requires your husband knowing.

 

You can exist in a marriage and not confess, you will never have the marriage you describe without confessing. Maybe your husband walks away if you confess, maybe he walks away because he doesn't understand what he is fighting.

 

The whole thing is disingenuous, you want to deal with what you need in the marriage, or what he isn't doing or meeting your needs, how does that make a better marriage? Maybe for you, what about him?

 

Lastly, eventually this will come out. Is it better coming from you, now, or later from someone else after you've put in a bunch of work?

 

Read threads here, compare those women in your situation who confessed with those who didnt/have not. You will find one is far more successful than the other

[Bittersweetie]

Home, I was a WW and I have to agree with a lot of what DKT3 is saying. It is very difficult to rebuild a marriage when there is a huge lie just sitting there. I've been there...it's like rebuilding a house on a crumbling foundation.

 

Do you understand that your husband has been living a lie too for the past 2+ years? He thought his life, his marriage, was one way but you changed the script without him knowing. When I was in my affair, my husband made career decisions that afterward, when he knew what was really going on, he said he would've made differently. I took his reality away from him.

 

I asked in the other thread, have you considered moving? If you truly want to resolve this on your own without disclosure, this is the only way I can see this ending without descruction. Yes, it is extreme but there are consequences to our actions, especially when they involve children. Maybe this is the price you will pay in order to held accountable.

 

You are just starting on this path out. I wish you strength.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I donÂ’t know if this answers your questions. Boy do I ever ramble on.

 

It does. The fact of your H's illness makes it tougher. Much has been written here about spouses in a sexless marriage because one spouse is not well. Usually it is the woman though.

 

I think a year without sex is a big deal. I think you should bring that up right away, don't just patiently wait for it for work itself out. He has to have noticed it has been a year...

[Ravensglen]

First of all, I really feel for you and I know what it’s like to white knuckle it and barely hold on minute by minute.

 

As others have said, getting to the deeper issue is the best thing you can do for yourself moving forward. Just so you know where I’m coming from, I engaged in an EA with an ex boyfriend after 10 years. We are both married, me with 2 kids. I didn’t go looking for it, as he contacted me- but I didn’t set boundaries either and I crossed a lot of boundaries. At the time I justified it because of stuff in my marriage, but the truth is, I liked the way it made me feel. I felt like he noticed me as a woman, as an interesting person, and he made me feel attractive. I liked the attention and the butterflies. I was (am!) a tired, working-full-time mom who is always running on E. It gave me an emotional boost bc he seemed to care about me as a person, or at least that’s what I told myself. He was using me to get his needs met, too, and I built up/idealized him.

 

I could have done other things to be excited about life. I could’ve told my husband that I needed a few hours to myself, gone to Starbucks and gotten a coffee and read a book to recharge. I could’ve gone shopping. Anything would’ve been better than what I did. I neglected my personal needs and it led to trying to meet them in inappropriate ways. Do you get to spend quality time by yourself? Do you get adequate time with friends? What can you do to bring excitement to your life without engaging with the neighbor (MM?) What have you always wanted to do? Painting class? Bake something new? I think for me part of the recovery process is accepting that life is mundane and I need to take responsibility for making it interesting for myself. I am responsible for my emotions, my life, and my happiness. So what can I do to make myself happy? Happy people who get their needs met appropriately don’t engage in affairs.

[BuddyX]

You repeatedly said “I wish I went back in time and changed my answer”. You do know that once your husband finds out (and he will), you’re going to say “I wish I told him and earlier”.

 

Still, it’s your choice to tell Hubby. But you have two jobs right now, be the best mom and best wife. You’re family deserves this.

[aliveagain]

Here is why I think your marriage will fail. For the last 2.5 years of your marriage you have only been a part time wife. During this time you gave the important emotional parts of you to the other man. This is time, bonding that belonged to your husband, you took his choice away, he doesn't even have a clue of the depth of your betray yet. The first post you made didn't even mention your husband. Marriages with secrets rarely survive, by keeping this a secret from your husband you are choosing the other man over him. Sure some people get away with infidelity but that isn't the norm, most get caught sometime in their future, ask us, there are thousands of members on this site who have had the experience. Your risking your future on someone you have no control over keeping your secret(also family members talk too). The pain to him will be the same regardless of when he finds out.

 

The odds of your marriage surviving infidelity are much lower when you are caught then when you confess. Your family that knows about your affair and didn't tell him will be shut out of his life. That will effect your children, their cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents. There is only one right way to fix this, you need to be honest. There are a lot of wrong ways just like trying to fix your relationship by bringing a third person into it. That's working well for you. The only person that can forgive you is the one your hurting.

Edited June 26, 2018 by aliveagain