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So I’ve been OW for 3 years and I went on a date with someone else (not MM). I told him that and now he got very mad at me. Is this common? Do you still go on dates while being an OW? What should I do?

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Why are you telling MM about your personal business? He certainly isn't telling you everything that is going on with him and his wife. Date and date a lot but don't tell him about it. What would you expect him to say? Of course he isn't going to be happy thinking you might be having sex with other men; then banging him exposing him to God knows what and him taking that home to his wife. His whole world would blow sky high.

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Well. He asked about my day so I plainly told him I went on a movie with someone from work. He got very mad and threatened to cut me off (which he did) but I still believe I have got the rights to go out with other men. We are not in any kind of committed relationship, after all. He does tell me if he goes out with his family.

 

What I just cannot understand is how can he be mad when he goes for movies with his wife too? I mean, how can you expect monogamy if you are not in monogamous relationship in the first place?

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What I just cannot understand is how can he be mad when he goes for movies with his wife too?

 

Quite simply, what is good for the goose, is not good for the gander.

 

The roles of this relationship are, he gets to be the one in control of this relationship. It’s supposed to be all about him, he gets what he wants at home and with you, and you have challenged that - he has lost control of you and you are not doing what is expected of another woman. Your world is supposed to begin and end with him...

 

Of course, you have the right to do as you wish and date whoever you want to date. Of course, it is ridiculous that he should expect monogamy when he himself, is not monogamous. It doesn’t mean that he will accept these simple truths - this is a man who does what he wants, and expects women to cater to him. Of course, he feels threatened because he may lose this sweet little arrangement that he has going on...

 

Go on another date. Perhaps, if you meet a nice guy you will gain a better perspective on what it is to be treated well by a man who is available and interested in developing a healthy relationship with you.

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IMO, if single, date all you want and the married people are entitled to feel as they do. You're not in a committed and exclusive/monogamous relationship so open to any and all potentials. May the best man win ;)

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Quite simply, what is good for the goose, is not good for the gander.

 

The roles of this relationship are, he gets to be the one in control of this relationship. It’s supposed to be all about him, he gets what he wants at home and with you, and you have challenged that - he has lost control of you and you are not doing what is expected of another woman. Your world is supposed to begin and end with him...

 

Of course, you have the right to do as you wish and date whoever you want to date. Of course, it is ridiculous that he should expect monogamy when he himself, is not monogamous. It doesn’t mean that he will accept these simple truths - this is a man who does what he wants, and expects women to cater to him. Of course, he feels threatened because he may lose this sweet little arrangement that he has going on...

 

Go on another date. Perhaps, if you meet a nice guy you will gain a better perspective on what it is to be treated well by a man who is available and interested in developing a healthy relationship with you.

 

Agree completely. And if you do decide to be with the single guy, cut the married man off completely . You already made the single guy a target by telling MM who he is. That is a bad mistake. DO NOT REVEAL ANY MORE. Unless you want your past to come back to bite you in the kiester. I was that single guy , and then I got a revenge letter from the MM exposing my then-GF's past. It screwed me up, and to this day it still screws me up.

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So I’ve been OW for 3 years and I went on a date with someone else (not MM). I told him that and now he got very mad at me. Is this common? Do you still go on dates while being an OW? What should I do?

 

Yes, it's ridiculous and entitled. MM shouldn't get the rights of an exclusive relationship with you until he first properly ends his relationship with BS AND commits to you. If you're willing to put up with less than that, more fool you.

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Since it appears you've been with the MM since breaking up with your ex in 2014:

What does he want!

 

There's likely a substantial emotional attachment. This can make dating difficult because MM tends to lurk in the background. A good MM (I call them 'pros') knows how to tickle an OW's emotional buttons to keep him on her mind even if she's trying to date others and level the playing field.

 

If this is an issue for you, then detachment likely is the healthiest choice. Even if you hadn't told MM directly, your attention diverting to another man would show up on his radar and he'd ping you to figure out what's what and keep you in the game.

 

There are other strategies, including using single men as part of a social hack to tip over the MM but I presume you're just wanting a clear and unambiguous intimate relationship as simply and directly as possible. Up to you!

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What I just cannot understand is how can he be mad when he goes for movies with his wife too? I mean, how can you expect monogamy if you are not in monogamous relationship in the first place?

 

If you think it's just "the movies" with his wife, I think you need more of a wakeup call.

 

Of course it's ridiculous for him to be mad. But, if I'm him, yes, I'm mad. It takes a lot of effort for a MM to get an AP. You've been around a long time with him, and he doesn't feel like going out to find another one. You've proven yourself a good girl who won't tell his wife/friends. You're a known quantity for extra sex without too much payment. And he's afraid he's going to lose that and have to go start looking again. And it can take dozens and dozens of women before he'll be able to find someone willing to accept your role because, frankly, it's a terrible position with almost no benefits. So yeah, he's pissed. And no, he has NO RIGHT AT ALL to be pissed. It would be like a MD working the cashiers counter at a convenience store. Will the owner be pissed when he gets a job as a surgeon and quits? Yes, of course, he was a good employee and vastly overqualified for the job. But the old job paid 25K/yr, the new one pays 750K/yr. The owner is pissed, but not pissed enough to raise his salary 30X to stay in the convenience store. He'll just go find another employee to replace him and move on. Exactly what your MM will do once you decide you'd rather be a surgeon (wife) than handing truckers cartons of cigarettes at the NC state line.

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If you think it's just "the movies" with his wife, I think you need more of a wakeup call.

 

Of course it's ridiculous for him to be mad. But, if I'm him, yes, I'm mad. It takes a lot of effort for a MM to get an AP. You've been around a long time with him, and he doesn't feel like going out to find another one. You've proven yourself a good girl who won't tell his wife/friends. You're a known quantity for extra sex without too much payment. And he's afraid he's going to lose that and have to go start looking again. And it can take dozens and dozens of women before he'll be able to find someone willing to accept your role because, frankly, it's a terrible position with almost no benefits. So yeah, he's pissed. And no, he has NO RIGHT AT ALL to be pissed. It would be like a MD working the cashiers counter at a convenience store. Will the owner be pissed when he gets a job as a surgeon and quits? Yes, of course, he was a good employee and vastly overqualified for the job. But the old job paid 25K/yr, the new one pays 750K/yr. The owner is pissed, but not pissed enough to raise his salary 30X to stay in the convenience store. He'll just go find another employee to replace him and move on. Exactly what your MM will do once you decide you'd rather be a surgeon (wife) than handing truckers cartons of cigarettes at the NC state line.

 

It's easier to find someone as long as you're not looking for a surgeon dumb enough to work at a cashier job for minimum wage. And some convenience store owners might be crazy /salty enough to go to the hospital and raise a ruckus , telling your new employer about your old job.

Edited by mingomatic
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He has no reason to be irritated about your dating, unless you have an agreement and you’re a kept woman or whatever. And even then it’s your right to change the terms. Why is he upset? Well, because you’ve been in this affair for three years now, and he’s not used to you dating. So that’s a change in the routine, and nobody really likes change. He is probably also upset and afraid that he might be losing you at some point.

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He has no reason to be irritated about your dating, unless you have an agreement and you’re a kept woman or whatever. And even then it’s your right to change the terms. Why is he upset? Well, because you’ve been in this affair for three years now, and he’s not used to you dating. So that’s a change in the routine, and nobody really likes change. He is probably also upset and afraid that he might be losing you at some point.

 

Let me explain this in my (which I would generally call guy terms, but don't want to generalize too much) terms. It's an equation. Sex = Happiness. The way it currently stands:

 

(sex with vvv888) + (sex with wife) = 10 times per week

 

If you get a BF, he loses the sex with vvv888. So the new equation is:

 

(sex with wife) = 5 times per week

 

That's a 50% decrease in happiness. So he knows, to keep the same happiness level he needs X:

 

(sex with wife) + X = 10

 

He needs to find someone to fill the spot of X, and that person has to want to have sex 5 times per week to get him back to happiness level 10. And finding the solution to that equation, solving for X, that's going to be real difficult. So he's annoyed, of course, because he has to solve an equation he thought he'd already figured out. His happiness level is already a 10; maybe the new AP will sleep with him more and take his happiness level to an 11, but it's a lot of work to find, and a lot of work to cultivate, and there's not promise it's not going to be an 8 (less sex) or even a 2 (new AP goes nuts, blows up his marriage). Right now he's happy, and you're putting him in a situation he knows is going to be less happy.

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His attitude is very selfish, and inappropriate. However, there IS one thing that would be a legitimate concern if you're dating others. If you have sex with them, you risk exposure to an STD that you could pass on to him, and to his wife. So, if you want to date, and mate, it's a good idea to both get tested first, in this or any situation that could put others at risk.

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Let me explain this in my (which I would generally call guy terms, but don't want to generalize too much) terms. It's an equation. Sex = Happiness. The way it currently stands:

 

(sex with vvv888) + (sex with wife) = 10 times per week

 

If you get a BF, he loses the sex with vvv888. So the new equation is:

 

(sex with wife) = 5 times per week

 

That's a 50% decrease in happiness. So he knows, to keep the same happiness level he needs X:

 

(sex with wife) + X = 10

 

He needs to find someone to fill the spot of X, and that person has to want to have sex 5 times per week to get him back to happiness level 10. And finding the solution to that equation, solving for X, that's going to be real difficult. So he's annoyed, of course, because he has to solve an equation he thought he'd already figured out. His happiness level is already a 10; maybe the new AP will sleep with him more and take his happiness level to an 11, but it's a lot of work to find, and a lot of work to cultivate, and there's not promise it's not going to be an 8 (less sex) or even a 2 (new AP goes nuts, blows up his marriage). Right now he's happy, and you're putting him in a situation he knows is going to be less happy.

 

Have to agree with taxed. MM go to a lot of trouble to groom and train an OW. It is better to keep her than to go to all that trouble again .

 

His treatment of you is absolutely self entitled and abusive. Get out and away from him and find a single man who will treat you as you deserve.

 

He has no right whatsoever to demand fidelity from you.

 

My guess is that his real concern is STDs that could be transferred to his wife.

Run and don't look back.

 

Poppy

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Yeah I guess you guys are right. I just feel so angry that he can be s so selfish to expect fidelity from me when he cannot even do that with his marriage as an excuse. I want to find my own happiness. I feel like screaming at him that he doesn’t want me but he doesn’t want anyone else to have me. What a screwed up person he is. I am glad I know how he is, but at the same time I am still wishing he would realise that he needs to let me find happiness too. Hahaha. I guess I am still attached.

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Yeah I guess you guys are right. I just feel so angry that he can be s so selfish to expect fidelity from me when he cannot even do that with his marriage as an excuse. I want to find my own happiness. I feel like screaming at him that he doesn’t want me but he doesn’t want anyone else to have me. What a screwed up person he is. I am glad I know how he is, but at the same time I am still wishing he would realise that he needs to let me find happiness too. Hahaha. I guess I am still attached.

 

Question: Subconsciously , did you tell him about the date with the single guy in order to make him jealous? Are you trying to get him to hasten his divorce?

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I think I may have done it to incite jealousy. I had been feeling very powerless and I did that to hurt him. Not to hasten any divorce. But just to feel that he does feel something. Maybe I am twisted too but I admit that partly I am doing this to make it easier for me to part ways with him.

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I think I may have done it to incite jealousy. I had been feeling very powerless and I did that to hurt him. Not to hasten any divorce. But just to feel that he does feel something. Maybe I am twisted too but I admit that partly I am doing this to make it easier for me to part ways with him.

 

Not completely crazy... a little twisted.

 

The thing is, his reaction is completely expected and it shows you what your value is, and value is for sex, not love.

 

And hey, if it helps you to get out of the affair, I say go ahead girl...

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It shows you what your value is and what he expects from you. Your value is for sex, not love. He’s not going to leave his wife. You are expected to put your life on hold and be available to him and him alone. HE is he one who is in control of this relationship.

 

He will likely now attempt to punish you, such that you will come back to him seeking his attention and to restore harmony. He is attempting to put you back in your place...

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I know... I thought the same as you guys. I finally realized what a POS he is. It is just really hard to believe that this is his real self. Well not really hard to believe as he’s shown his true colours when he fights with his W. Sometimes I feel glad he’s not my H by all the things he fights with her on. It’s just hard to accept that he is finally being selfish to me too. I used to feel special because he treated me with all those love, but now this...

 

BaileyB, what do you mean by punish me? What do you think he will do?

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He got very mad and threatened to cut me off (which he did)

 

You said he got very angry and cut you off... I’m taking that to mean that he is punishing you by withdrawing his affection and not communicating. I would imagine that he’s hoping this will cause you hurt, such that you will come back to him, apologize, and make amends. This is emotional manipulation - meant to remind you of your role, put you back in your place, and reestablish his control.

 

One word of caution as you mention the fact that he fights with his wife and the fact that you are glad he is not your husband sometimes. Never forget - if he will do it WITH you, he will do it TO you. That goes for fighting, it also goes for cheating... during this little “break” in your relationship, he could be looking for someone to take his mind off his troubles...

Edited by BaileyB
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I know... I thought the same as you guys. I finally realized what a POS he is. It is just really hard to believe that this is his real self. Well not really hard to believe as he’s shown his true colours when he fights with his W. Sometimes I feel glad he’s not my H by all the things he fights with her on. It’s just hard to accept that he is finally being selfish to me too. I used to feel special because he treated me with all those love, but now this...

 

BaileyB, what do you mean by punish me? What do you think he will do?

What about you though. Your true colours. YOU were the one who made the.....

 

....CHOICE to get involved w MM. You know, some other woman's HUSBAND.

 

And now you may be bringing some other guy into this i.e., your date, trying to date when you clearly aren't ready.

 

Not trying to slam but you need to look in the mirror and take responsibility for your actions too. Me thinks you need some self-awareness.

Edited by Imajerk17
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I think I may have done it to incite jealousy. I had been feeling very powerless and I did that to hurt him. Not to hasten any divorce. But just to feel that he does feel something. Maybe I am twisted too but I admit that partly I am doing this to make it easier for me to part ways with him.

 

Are you sincere about the other single guy? Is he sincere to you? I suggest you stop using him as a tool to get affection from a married man. It's manipulative too, and it WILL blow up in your face if you keep it up.

Make a decision and stay with it. I suggest strongly that you pursue a proper relationship and cut off the married man.

 

It is the story of my last relationship.

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I know... I thought the same as you guys. I finally realized what a POS he is. It is just really hard to believe that this is his real self. Well not really hard to believe as he’s shown his true colours when he fights with his W. Sometimes I feel glad he’s not my H by all the things he fights with her on. It’s just hard to accept that he is finally being selfish to me too. I used to feel special because he treated me with all those love, but now this...

 

BaileyB, what do you mean by punish me? What do you think he will do?

 

set him an ultimatum and see his reaction? Say something like 'I've been with this guy for three months and he wants to meet my parents for dinner. I've agreed. I don't want to live in the shadows anymore. I want a family , children and a picket fence house. I'm not getting younger and I'm tired of waiting'

 

See what his reaction is.

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