Why do MM try to suck OW/MW back in?

[Aloha123]

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I have a question, mostly for the men out there, but anyone can obviously chime in.

 

My MM and I are each trying to take a break, which we both agreed was a good idea. And I am actually doing a pretty good job of sticking to that (thanks in large part to what i've learned on this forum). But already after one week, MM is emailing me, being more attentive, basically trying to tease me and/or suck me back in.

 

I realize 100% that this is why NC is the only way to go, but I'm not quite there yet. But why is my MM having a hard time letting me go -- just to get more sex, ego gratification, because there is a slight emotional attachment, in order to reassert his power and control?

 

Wait, I think I just answered my own question! But I would love to hear everybody confirm this for me, because I need some reinforcement and support since I am having a hard time letting go in the face of this. I do realize this is a vicious cycle, but it's so hard to break! Thank you.

Edited June 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[winterkeep]

A little from column A, a little from column B I think. My exMM did this over and ove again only to treat me the same, if not worse when I allowed myself to be drawn back. This went on for over a year since we last saw one another with pretty much zero chance of us seeing one another again due to distance, it was almost like a cruel game for him to prove he could still affect me.

 

One day I blocked him, he got a new number this happened twice. No practical reason for him to be in touch, by that time we were halfway around the world from one another but I think he wanted the control.

 

I changed my number and have had a peaceful, happy year or so without his interference.

[winterkeep]

Wanted to add, if you read here long enough you’ll see it’s extremely common and pretty much never results in a good outcome for the OW.

[grass-hopper]

I’ve often wondered this myself as my MM did it a few times in the beginning. I figured i was just an ego boost and a game to him. But now I don’t know anymore. Now I think there’s true emotional attachment on his side. Maybe MM can form attachments.

 

But overall it doesn’t really matter, does it?

We have to stop making it about them.

We have to make it about us.

We have to figure out why we allow them to do it to us.

And we have to learn how to put a stop to it!

 

Good luck to you, Aloha

[carhill]

But why is my MM having a hard time letting me go -- just to get more sex, ego gratification, because there is a slight emotional attachment, in order to reassert his power and control?

 

He's attached to whatever he was getting from the affair. Men are creatures of habit. Once they figure out how to get something, they settle on the method that works and stick to it. Unless he's a real high value male, he's had a lifetime of dealing with only a handful of women, comparatively, buying what he's selling. Once he finds a buyer and sales pitch, he'll come back to that every time.

 

If you truly want NC, his spouse is usually the best enforcer. She'll curb him so fast his head will spin. She can destroy him financially, take his kids, bed every man in town and laugh at him all the way. Excellent enforcer.

 

Else, simply change your main contact means, like phone number and e-mail, block him from social media and move on.

[Overtaxed]

In many cases, or at least every time I acted like this, it was because it's much easier to sleep with someone you've already slept with than it is to cultivate a relationship from "hello" to sex. So I would often, when I was looking for a partner, go back through the women I'd already slept with and start calling; it was much more likely to lead to quick/easy sex than going out to the bar/club and trying to meet/sleep with someone new.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

He's attached to whatever he was getting from the affair. Men are creatures of habit. Once they figure out how to get something, they settle on the method that works and stick to it. Unless he's a real high value male, he's had a lifetime of dealing with only a handful of women, comparatively, buying what he's selling. Once he finds a buyer and sales pitch, he'll come back to that every time.

 

If you truly want NC, his spouse is usually the best enforcer. She'll curb him so fast his head will spin. She can destroy him financially, take his kids, bed every man in town and laugh at him all the way. Excellent enforcer.

 

Else, simply change your main contact means, like phone number and e-mail, block him from social media and move on.

 

This is usually so true but what I’m always perplexed by are the spouses who take the cheaters back time after time.

[carhill]

Marriages vary and my experience has been MAD.... mutually assured destruction.

 

Kinda like I've got my nukes and you've got yours and if you push your button I'll push mine and we'll both fry and I'm good with that.

 

Some people can live with that kind of legal power dynamic. I'm not one of them. Known plenty who do though. The most common thing I've seen is revenge affairs. You got yours, I'll get mine, eat that, now where do we go next? Enrich the lawyers?

 

With MW's, IME, the cleanest way to erase them is to contact their spouse with evidence. Cruel? Perhaps. I've found it to be an excellent enforcer of NC though. MM's may see that dynamic completely differently, or similarly. It depends. One clear trend is women tend to file for the majority of divorces in the US so there's that. They demonstrate the will and ability to end a marriage which isn't working for them, whether that be due to spousal infidelity or other reasons.

 

In the OP's case, I don't know if the guy is a pro or not but usually patterns and success with them indicate proficiency and it usually goes, oops, smooth talk, settle the wife, toss some money at her, let time pass then start up again. Guys who are successful with affairs learn those tricks when they're adolescents. They know how to manipulate women. Some are really good at it. They like it. It is what it is.

[bathtub-row]

Because he’s selfish and doesn’t care that he’s wasting your life, and because he knows you’ll think it really means something when it doesn’t. Which means he gets to have sex with someone other than his wife.

 

My advice - don’t overnoodle this. He’s married, therefore, off-limits. Unless, of course, you enjoy being the OW and wasting your time on a dead-end relationship.

[stillafool]

This is usually so true but what I’m always perplexed by are the spouses who take the cheaters back time after time.

 

The spouses are perplexed why someone would have sex with their spouse knowing their married. I guess the spouse feels since they married in front of family and friends, built a life together and most times have a family together they feel a need to work it out and try to stay together. It isn't just the spouse wanting to keep them as most times the spouse has been begged, promised and love bombed into taking them back.

[BluesPower]

Yeah, you answered your own question...

 

And frankly you seem to be actually learning some things the last few months.

 

I am proud of you.

 

The other thing that should click in your brain is that if he really cared about you, not saying undying love or anything, just if he cared about YOU at all...

 

He would not be contacting you. See how that works. His behavior shows that he does not give a crap about you or really anyone.

 

That should help you with the 180 at the very least.

 

With all the crap I have done, when any woman wanted to end things well then cool, and I never bothered then again.

 

Not that they did the same things, I have had several stalker, which sucks.

 

But at least I was always able to let go. I have even broken up with women that really loved me too much when I did not feel the same. To do otherwise would have been taking advantage of them, which is not cool...

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

The spouses are perplexed why someone would have sex with their spouse knowing their married. I guess the spouse feels since they married in front of family and friends, built a life together and most times have a family together they feel a need to work it out and try to stay together. It isn't just the spouse wanting to keep them as most times the spouse has been begged, promised and love bombed into taking them back.

 

Probably so. But how many times is just ridiculous?

 

OP because they know you cared even when they used you and they play upon vulnerabilities

Edited June 11, 2018 by PhillyLibertyBelle

[BTDT2012]

Or he's maintaining contact in case things don't work out with his wife

[lostgirl87]

Sometimes it really is love that keeps them coming back or unable to walk away. There's no way to really know what goes on in another person's head. All you can do is figure things out for yourself. Nobody here knows your relationship and no relationship, affair or not, is the same. And it should go without saying but not all MM are the same across the board. Some just want sex, some are just stupid lol. And some really are confused or scared. Again there's no way to know. Keep doing whatever you do FOR YOU. Keep your eyes open and try to let your head, not your heart, dictate what you do.

[bathtub-row]

Sometimes it really is love that keeps them coming back or unable to walk away. There's no way to really know what goes on in another person's head. All you can do is figure things out for yourself. Nobody here knows your relationship and no relationship, affair or not, is the same. And it should go without saying but not all MM are the same across the board. Some just want sex, some are just stupid lol. And some really are confused or scared. Again there's no way to know. Keep doing whatever you do FOR YOU. Keep your eyes open and try to let your head, not your heart, dictate what you do.

 

Let's say it really is love. If you love someone, you do not put them in a position that could potentially cause incredible heartache and waste their lives. True love would cause that person to either decide to be with her or let her go.

[Bufo]

Overtaxed is right. Rule one for MM in affair is that it’s always easier to keep the AP you have than to locate, groom, and seduce a replacement AP.

[jah526]

Overtaxed is right. Rule one for MM in affair is that it’s always easier to keep the AP you have than to locate, groom, and seduce a replacement AP.

 

Yep, this is true, and I got it straight from the horse’s (a**) mouth. I wouldn’t guess it would be all that easy to find someone that you can trust to

 

1. not tell anyone

2. not give you an std that could be transmitted to the wife

 

and

 

3. would be okay with sleeping with a married man

 

I’d imagine it could take months, maybe even years. Fortunately for them, they’ve got the time.

[grass-hopper]

Yep, this is true, and I got it straight from the horse’s (a**) mouth. I wouldn’t guess it would be all that easy to find someone that you can trust to

 

1. not tell anyone

2. not give you an std that could be transmitted to the wife

 

and

 

3. would be okay with sleeping with a married man

 

I’d imagine it could take months, maybe even years. Fortunately for them, they’ve got the time.

 

This was an eye opener statement to me. I’ve put my MM on pedestal thinking he’s just the bee knees. But really how many women would stoop so low as me to accept this treatment?. To accept this kind of man?

[Wildcat01]

I was a MW with a MM and we both hoovered. I would Hoover him in and he would Hoover me in. Maybe people miss one another. That is why I did it.

 

Not all MM sleep with their wife. My MM did not and the wife even said so. And I never sleep with my husband. Unhappy couples do not have sex often, we sleep in separate rooms. When you have an other person you get your sex. And I was faithful to him. I also get STD tests every year and always have. Never once an STD.

 

We told our friends and family. We went to dinner in daylight. I rode his Harley with him. I slept in his bed. Not all MM sneak. I think when they don't sneak they don't want their wife, but it takes a really special person to take that financial hit for.

Edited June 13, 2018 by Wildcat01

[jah526]

This was an eye opener statement to me. I’ve put my MM on pedestal thinking he’s just the bee knees. But really how many women would stoop so low as me to accept this treatment?. To accept this kind of man?

 

Honestly, probably not too many. But then I think some of these MM are practiced at spotting women with weak boundaries, those who are vulnerable or have been damaged in some way.

[DKT3]

I think it's a pretty simple answer...Because you allow it. Truth is if YOU did not want to be pulled/lured/ tempted back then it would be no way they could.

 

Better question to ask is why am I still available to this guy. That is a much more productive road to travel.

[Overtaxed]

Honestly, probably not too many. But then I think some of these MM are practiced at spotting women with weak boundaries, those who are vulnerable or have been damaged in some way.

 

I'm sure that's true. Still takes a ton of work to find and groom an AP for most men. When I was single, just a guess, I'd have to approach, talk to, try to seduce 5-10 women before I'd get to sleep with 1. It was hard work, and it took a ton of time/effort. And I was single; didn't really have any baggage, and was pretty good looking.

 

Imagine how many approaches it takes to find an AP. Your not single, you can't hang out and build a social circle and social proof in the "right" circles to meet women because your wife won't be too happy with you going out with that crowd. So you have to start working on married women. How many times do you think you have to approach and try? Let me tell you, its not "once". Not unless your AP is rich, famous and impossibly good looking is the first woman he pursues going to say "yes" to the position of AP. Basically, a man trying to get into an A has almost nothing to offer that women value. I bring my penis and I'll tell you anything you want to hear; will you sleep with me; that's just not a great pick up line. Commitment is off the table, even fidelity is off the table! It's going to take a lot, a WHOLE LOT of tries by a MM before he finds the "one" who's willing to say yes.

 

Not all MM sleep with their wife.

 

While this may be true in your case, it also happens to be "lie number 1" told by AP's to one another. My W got that one from her AP, come to find, I'm pretty sure he slept with his wife the SAME DAY he slept with mine (by comparing notes and dates). Needless to say, not only was he sleeping with her, they were pretty active during the A. IMHO, anyone in an A who hears that should take it with about as much weight as the call coming in from China to your phone telling you that you won 100M dollars and all they need is your bank account info to make the transfer. It could be true. It almost never is true.

[jah526]

Imagine how many approaches it takes to find an AP. Your not single, you can't hang out and build a social circle and social proof in the "right" circles to meet women because your wife won't be too happy with you going out with that crowd. So you have to start working on married women. How many times do you think you have to approach and try? Let me tell you, its not "once". Not unless your AP is rich, famous and impossibly good looking is the first woman he pursues going to say "yes" to the position of AP. Basically, a man trying to get into an A has almost nothing to offer that women value. I bring my penis and I'll tell you anything you want to hear; will you sleep with me; that's just not a great pick up line. Commitment is off the table, even fidelity is off the table! It's going to take a lot, a WHOLE LOT of tries by a MM before he finds the "one" who's willing to say yes.

 

This doesn't really fit the bill for the MM I know. His method was to go after single women. I don't think he wanted to chance someone's SO coming after him. As far as social circles, well, he had work, the gym, his hobbies. All "clean" activities where the wife would never suspect.

 

It's not true he brought nothing of value either. For a lonely woman going through a difficult time, he brought a listening ear, some kind words, and some company. This is how predators operate. They become your friend, gain your trust, and then slowly start to push your boundaries.

 

He had some other advantages too. He was good looking, polite and funny, and very sociable. And he had endless patience. He cast his net wide, asking everyone he came across to join him in some activity, and then focused all his efforts on the ones who said yes.

 

Still, with all this on his side, I'm not sure he's gotten more than one (me) in a few years. The long con takes a lot of time, and the right person.

[S2B]

I think it's a pretty simple answer...Because you allow it. Truth is if YOU did not want to be pulled/lured/ tempted back then it would be no way they could.

 

Better question to ask is why am I still available to this guy. That is a much more productive road to travel.

 

It's true.

 

And they do it because they are greedy and selfish!

 

Testing women to see who's interested in an unavailable man - who might give them 5% of the attention they deserve - they will find someone with such low self worth... and when they do they reel them in hard and fast!

 

They usually troll the waters looking for someone who's not demanding and someone who doesn't require all their time and attention.

 

Don't let that be you.

[Overtaxed]

This doesn't really fit the bill for the MM I know. His method was to go after single women. I don't think he wanted to chance someone's SO coming after him. As far as social circles, well, he had work, the gym, his hobbies. All "clean" activities where the wife would never suspect.

 

It's not true he brought nothing of value either. For a lonely woman going through a difficult time, he brought a listening ear, some kind words, and some company. This is how predators operate. They become your friend, gain your trust, and then slowly start to push your boundaries.

 

He had some other advantages too. He was good looking, polite and funny, and very sociable. And he had endless patience. He cast his net wide, asking everyone he came across to join him in some activity, and then focused all his efforts on the ones who said yes.

 

Still, with all this on his side, I'm not sure he's gotten more than one (me) in a few years. The long con takes a lot of time, and the right person.

 

At least it was single women. I mean that seriously, a lot of guys start to target married women because it's easier; they are less demanding because most of their needs are met in the marriage, so it's not as time consuming to keep a married woman engaged. It's called the "dark side" by men who pursue this kind of stuff, I read about it 15 years ago and thought to myself "that's too far". Apparently a lot of men don't.

 

Predators don't become your friend. They pretend to become your friend. They pretend to listen. They pretend to care. And they know the right things to say to make you think they are "there" and actually give a crap. I would never say I was a "predator" when I was dating, but, let me tell you, I did a lot of pretending; a lot of emotion mirroring, a lot of time spent trying to figure out what she wanted me to say. In 99% of the cases, I really didn't care. I was just listening and mirroring until I figured out "the right thing to say", which, for me, was what would lead to a physical relationship. And while I think I was perhaps worse than some, I wasn't alone, nor was I worse than many of my friends. Now, take this apply it to an A! That's gonna be a whole lot worse. That's "weapons grade" lying, it's not just figure out the right thing to say, it's figure out how to make her forget her vows and basically throw everything she (often) values for something she usually doesn't (sex). In a sick way, I'm in awe of some APs that they can do it so effectively; in a lot of ways, you're selling snow to Eskimos. Yellow poison snow. And there are miles of white untouched snow right out the igloo door. Because for many female APs (and certainly my wife) she had all the sex she could ever want with me. I never turned her down. I wouldn't say no to a single sexual thing she wanted. And yet, somehow, a guy convinced her she needed more sex by telling her it wasn't about sex at all (but that's the only thing that they actually did together). It's a amazing feat of salesmanship.

 

Your last sentence, exactly. It takes a really large net, and a whole lot of time to cultivate an AP for most men. It's not something you fall into. It's not something that just happens. It takes a ton of effort for most men, myself included, to get a a woman into bed, even when single. I eventually just got tired of it, it was consuming my entire day planning, sending messages, lining things up. It was all consuming, and that was as a single man!