Finding strength to break the addiction

[brokenandhopeless]

I am here seeking help to end the addiction to an MM who treats me as a friend with benefits. He is somebody from my past with whom I had a weekend PA and then let go when I learned he was going to marry. Fast forward many years later, both married with kids, (he kept in touch wanting to sext but I always refused) and during a weak moment, I started talking to him again and fell for him emotionally. We have met, may be 5 times in two decades. He is very clear that this is just friendship with benefits but does not wish to physically see me anymore but would like to continue staying in touch via texting. I have gone through 4 years of agony and countless tears and I can’t even tell him how I feel because he would cut me off if emotions came into play. Of course, I am the one to blame for getting myself into this situation and all the delusions but that 1% hope is what is ruining me. I know NC is the way to go but I don’t seem to be able to break my addiction to him nor cut him off when he contacts me. He has the power in this, wanting to communicate only when he wishes while I kowtow. I am ashamed of myself and my addictive need and don’t know how to find strength. He pursued me relentlessly 4 years ago and once I caved, all the attention was gone and now I am the one yearning.

 

Whenever he contacts me, I make myself available. Whenever I contact him, I am the mercy of his time and commitments. I realize how one-sided this is. My rational head is so divergent from what my heart wants. How do I talk myself out of the ledge of contacting him every day? Why is it that I am willing to live with the pain and agony and how do I want better for myself? I am so disgusted with myself and feel so hopeless. Somehow I keep fearing, if this breaks, what else is out there in life to look forward to? Although this is not a great situation to be in either…I feel so weak, pathetic, and undignified. I keep humiliating myself everyday by reaching out. I am in such an emotional low that I am already on anti-depressants.

Edited June 7, 2018 by brokenandhopeless

[FMW]

Affairs are addictive because of the repeated highs and lows, the uncertainty, the anticipation of the next contact. Healthy relationships don't provide that drama. I know if you were able to just stop and walk away you wouldn't be posting here. For what's it's worth, here are my thoughts.

 

It sounds like you have so much of your self worth and identity tied up in this other man.

 

So I'm guessing you are unhappy in your marriage? Do you think your marriage can be improved? If you put more focus on your husband and your relationship with him you'll be less invested in your communication with this other man.

 

Try to get your husband involved with a hobby you can share - golf, hiking, photography, etc.

 

You have children? Then maybe get more involved with what they are doing, volunteering for their sports teams or other extra curricular activities.

 

Explore and spend time on your own hobbies and invest a little time in yourself and doing things that are just about you. It will make you feel better about yourself and make you a better wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, etc.

 

Like with any addiction, it will take time and effort to wean yourself off. Finding a new passion for something else (NOT another person outside of your family) will help redirect those compulsive thoughts and urges.

[Aloha123]

Oh wow you've described my situation almost to a t, except mine is a much more condensed timeline (1 year), we see each other once a month (he lives 100 miles away), we email back and forth on most days, and we had not known each other before. He tells me often that he loves me, though this is obviously besides the point. He has made very clear from the start that he is not leaving his wife, and the frequency of our emails and when we meet in person are almost always on his terms.

If you are not already in individual therapy, I strongly recommend it.

Also, I have found reading all of the horror stories on this forum not to mention the stories of people having the strength to move on to be quite life-changing, in terms of snapping me out of denial and my delusional thinking.

Edited June 7, 2018 by Aloha123

[brokenandhopeless]

Thank you Finding My Way. My husband is a very good and stable guy....I think it was the boredom and 7-year itch probably. Our sex life is not great and that's probably what led me astray though I have highlighted this aspect of our marriage to him. Somehow, even though the MM got married and moved on, I always was infatuated with him and compared every guy I met along the way to him mentally. Part of the problem may be my having wanted to marry a guy like him...although I don't know why when he does act selfish many times.

 

The funny thing is, through the years that he contacted after my marriage, I never let my guard down and somehow didn't think of him highly..and suddenly after many years, I got tangled up again.

 

I do have kids as well. In all this that has happened, I've lost interest in doing the everyday things of life and somehow find no motivation. I've lost interest in doing all the things I used to do and now just constantly obsess about MM and keep checking if he is online. I've become a shell of myself. For him, it's just sexual flirtation and he can turn off and move away once his need has been met. For me, it was emotional and I can't even tell him this. I've told him several times how I feel when he cuts me off and he just ignores me or says he didn't do anything wrong. I don't know how low I need to go to snap out of this. One would think that 4 years of tears would be enough but apparently I have a thick skin....typing this makes me cringe with shame.

[brokenandhopeless]

Thank you Aloha. I did go to therapy twice but in therapy I am uber rational and the therapist herself said that I need to find alternate ways such as art therapy etc because talk therapy was not going to work for me.

 

The funny thing is, he always tells me he loves me, sends me these "love" emojis though I think it is more friendly love. It's these mixed signals that make me spiral and he is very clear that he is happily married. I suppose I read too much into it and its my mind that is not stable.

[Aloha123]

Thank you Finding My Way. My husband is a very good and stable guy....I think it was the boredom and 7-year itch probably. Our sex life is not great and that's probably what led me astray though I have highlighted this aspect of our marriage to him. Somehow, even though the MM got married and moved on, I always was infatuated with him and compared every guy I met along the way to him mentally. Part of the problem may be my having wanted to marry a guy like him...although I don't know why when he does act selfish many times.

 

The funny thing is, through the years that he contacted after my marriage, I never let my guard down and somehow didn't think of him highly..and suddenly after many years, I got tangled up again.

 

I do have kids as well. In all this that has happened, I've lost interest in doing the everyday things of life and somehow find no motivation. I've lost interest in doing all the things I used to do and now just constantly obsess about MM and keep checking if he is online. I've become a shell of myself.

 

I literally could have written this myself, even down to the point of the MM reminding of a high school boyfriend I never completely got over and marrying a guy who was not my "type" -- ie not a bad boy but a stable functioning adult!

[brokenandhopeless]

I am so disgusted with myself. Here I am, a woman who swore she would never indulge in going after an MM after having seen her parents deal with infidelity. Why I long for a guy who doesn't want me the same way I want him is something I can't fathom. Somehow I am not able to get past this fog and believe that there is happiness out there. I must be big-time mentally messed up. I just don't know when enough is going to be enough.

[Aloha123]

I am so disgusted with myself. Here I am, a woman who swore she would never indulge in going after an MM after having seen her parents deal with infidelity. Why I long for a guy who doesn't want me the same way I want him is something I can't fathom. Somehow I am not able to get past this fog and believe that there is happiness out there. I must be big-time mentally messed up. I just don't know when enough is going to be enough.

 

again, ditto. Even down to the part of my parents getting divorced because my mom left my dad for a man she was having an affair with (who promptly dumped her after she left my dad, BTW)

[grass-hopper]

I am so disgusted with myself. Here I am, a woman who swore she would never indulge in going after an MM. Why I long for a guy who doesn't want me the same way I want him is something I can't fathom. Somehow I am not able to get past this fog and believe that there is happiness out there. I must be big-time mentally messed up. I just don't know when enough is going to be enough.

 

This is me. And I don’t know how to get past it either. I watch myself. I cringe. But I am hanging onto the illusion.

Mine I’ve determined is a very unhealthy attachment used as a distraction from real life stuff going on in my world.ive also determined in IC that the chaos I’m creating is my own comfort state.

 

Good luck to you. You’re not alone

[jah526]

again, ditto. Even down to the part of my parents getting divorced because my mom left my dad for a man she was having an affair with (who promptly dumped her after she left my dad, BTW)

 

Same thing for me too. When I was about 12 years old a neighbor lady showed up on my doorstep and had a complete meltdown right in front of me because her husband was having an affair.

 

Several years later my stupid dad got it into his head to try to date a coworker of my mom's. When we moved he decided to drive across two states to see this lady. I remember my mom sitting alone on the edge of her bed in the dark. They reconciled but it was never the same, and she never let him forget it.

 

Typed this out earlier:

 

I've found the posts by Overtaxed to be useful in getting an insight into the way these guys think and operate. They know how to play into our hopes and emotions in order to get us hooked. In my case, the guy took some time becoming my "friend". He knew I was vulnerable for a variety of reasons. We want to believe in the romance so much it is easy to get hooked. It's like a drug. Nobody ever wants to believe they've been conned, but the best conmen (like mine) make it easy for you to trust them.

 

Even now there is part of me that wants to believe he cared for me, when there was so much evidence to the contrary. Even now I still feel sorry for him and guilty for staying away.

 

It truly is insidious.

[Aloha123]

This is me. And I don’t know how to get past it either. I watch myself. I cringe. But I am hanging onto the illusion.

Mine I’ve determined is a very unhealthy attachment used as a distraction from real life stuff going on in my world.ive also determined in IC that the chaos I’m creating is my own comfort state.

 

Good luck to you. You’re not alone

 

Omg this too! we are all in the same boat, aren't we??

[brokenandhopeless]

Everyday I wake up and hope I have the strength to not contact but I fail everyday. Here is wishing I have some pride and dignity tomorrow. Sigh. I wish all of you out there the very best. I just know how tough this is and how we wish we could turn back time and not be in this situation. The funny thing is, if one of my friends were going through this, I’d be aghast And would totally tell her/him to cut all contact with such a selfish person....I just can’t seem to see that rationality for myself. Sometimes I passively wish for death than to be in this situation....if a truck were to plough into me, I’d be totally ok..that’s my mental state.

Edited June 8, 2018 by brokenandhopeless

[CantTakeMySmile]

Everyday I wake up and hope I have the strength to not contact but I fail everyday. Here is wishing I have some pride and dignity tomorrow. Sigh. I wish all of you out there the very best. I just know how tough this is and how we wish we could turn back time and not be in this situation. The funny thing is, if one of my friends were going through this, I’d be aghast And would totally tell her/him to cut all contact with such a selfish person....I just can’t seem to see that rationality for myself. Sometimes I passively wish for death than to be in this situation....if a truck were to plough into me, I’d be totally ok..that’s my mental state.

 

 

 

I have those same thoughts when driving. But, I know how irrational that is. We all have responsibilities.

 

 

I also understand about the lack of motivation. I want to do nothing! Not even eatch tv. I want to watch my phone and wait. But, I have started making myself (a couple weeks ago) to leave my phone for hours at the time. I will check it a few times a day, respond to what I need to, and then put it back down. This has given me a lot of extra time, and I had to do something with that time. So... I have started doing creative things. Painting, gardening, digging... lol... this makes me think about my project and not my situation.

 

 

How long has it been since you have talked to him? Contacted him? Does it know you wish to break it off?

[stillafool]

I am here seeking help to end the addiction to an MM who treats me as a friend with benefits. He is somebody from my past with whom I had a weekend PA and then let go when I learned he was going to marry. Fast forward many years later, both married with kids, (he kept in touch wanting to sext but I always refused) and during a weak moment, I started talking to him again and fell for him emotionally. We have met, may be 5 times in two decades. He is very clear that this is just friendship with benefits but does not wish to physically see me anymore but would like to continue staying in touch via texting. I have gone through 4 years of agony and countless tears and I can’t even tell him how I feel because he would cut me off if emotions came into play. Of course, I am the one to blame for getting myself into this situation and all the delusions but that 1% hope is what is ruining me. I know NC is the way to go but I don’t seem to be able to break my addiction to him nor cut him off when he contacts me. He has the power in this, wanting to communicate only when he wishes while I kowtow. I am ashamed of myself and my addictive need and don’t know how to find strength. He pursued me relentlessly 4 years ago and once I caved, all the attention was gone and now I am the one yearning.

 

Whenever he contacts me, I make myself available. Whenever I contact him, I am the mercy of his time and commitments. I realize how one-sided this is. My rational head is so divergent from what my heart wants. How do I talk myself out of the ledge of contacting him every day? Why is it that I am willing to live with the pain and agony and how do I want better for myself? I am so disgusted with myself and feel so hopeless. Somehow I keep fearing, if this breaks, what else is out there in life to look forward to? Although this is not a great situation to be in either…I feel so weak, pathetic, and undignified. I keep humiliating myself everyday by reaching out. I am in such an emotional low that I am already on anti-depressants.

 

First, define what it is that you are addicted to and work to eliminate that. Have you tried counseling?

[Imajerk17]

I am here seeking help to end the addiction to an MM who treats me as a friend with benefits. He is somebody from my past with whom I had a weekend PA and then let go when I learned he was going to marry. Fast forward many years later, both married with kids, (he kept in touch wanting to sext but I always refused) and during a weak moment, I started talking to him again and fell for him emotionally. We have met, may be 5 times in two decades. He is very clear that this is just friendship with benefits but does not wish to physically see me anymore but would like to continue staying in touch via texting. I have gone through 4 years of agony and countless tears and I can’t even tell him how I feel because he would cut me off if emotions came into play. Of course, I am the one to blame for getting myself into this situation and all the delusions but that 1% hope is what is ruining me. I know NC is the way to go but I don’t seem to be able to break my addiction to him nor cut him off when he contacts me. He has the power in this, wanting to communicate only when he wishes while I kowtow. I am ashamed of myself and my addictive need and don’t know how to find strength. He pursued me relentlessly 4 years ago and once I caved, all the attention was gone and now I am the one yearning.

 

Whenever he contacts me, I make myself available. Whenever I contact him, I am the mercy of his time and commitments. I realize how one-sided this is. My rational head is so divergent from what my heart wants. How do I talk myself out of the ledge of contacting him every day? Why is it that I am willing to live with the pain and agony and how do I want better for myself? I am so disgusted with myself and feel so hopeless. Somehow I keep fearing, if this breaks, what else is out there in life to look forward to? Although this is not a great situation to be in either…I feel so weak, pathetic, and undignified. I keep humiliating myself everyday by reaching out. I am in such an emotional low that I am already on anti-depressants.

 

You should tell your husband of what is happening. When you see the devastation in his eyes you will snap out of things fast. (I am really disappointed no one else gave this advice yet.)

 

Meanwhile, all this about your pain just seems selfish to me. You aren't the only one who is suffering, your husband is living a lie only he doesn't even know. Do you ever think about the pain you are causing your H?

Edited June 8, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Bittersweetie]

You should tell your husband of what is happening. When you see the devastation in his eyes you will snap out of things fast. (I am really disappointed no one else gave this advice yet.)

 

Meanwhile, all this about your pain just seems selfish to me. You aren't the only one who is suffering, your husband is living a lie only he doesn't even know. Do you ever think about the pain you are causing your H?

 

I was actually about to make this point. Broken, I was a WW and I felt pretty obsessive about xAP. He ghosted me not once, but twice, yet I still thought about him and thought about the whys. It wasn't until I had a d-day that I could finally move forward and address the issues in my life. I have no doubt that I'd still be obsessing about xAP if I didn't have a d-day...I had accountability. I had more important things to worry about, namely my marriage.

 

Telling your H is a personal choice. It is not easy, far far from it. But after my experience, I advocate for truth...because despite how the marriage is, your H is not living the truth of his relationship or his life. He thinks things are one way and they are not. My husband made a significant career choice during my A, and he told me he would've made a different choice if he'd known my actions. So your A affects the marriage regardless of whether your H knows or not.

 

I understand though if it is not in your plans. Confessing is scary and painful and and you won't know what will happen, no matter how well you know your husband. But I will tell you that I'd probably still be mooning over my xAP if I hadn't had a d-day...I had to be accountable to my H, I had to face the issues right in front of me, I had to fix my marriage. It was an incredible difficult path to walk, for both myself and my H. But it may be something to think about.

 

Here is a thread I wrote about my experience, it is almost five years old but maybe it will help in terms of reframing your thoughts about you and your marriage and family, rather just on you and AP. Good luck.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/421926-my-story-fww

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't think it's right honestly to tell your spouse that you have a massive crush on someone because it's the only way you think you will be able to get out of the situation. That's rather unfair to the other person, it is not their job to save you from a situation you got yourself into and btw, it does not work. Read all the stories about Dday. It does not always end the person's fixation on the AP.

 

So you tell him and first of all, he will never believe it was not physical, so you will be trying to prove you did not sleep with him. You will introduce doubt where there was none and bring a lot of unnecessary pain on the other person. You might find yourself served with divorce papers over a crush, going nowhere.

 

You should tell him if you feel your feelings towards your husband have changed and you want to work on the marriage, or end the marriage. Otherwise it's a selfish move, unless you are giving the person the choice to leave you.

 

I know a guy whose wife could not get over a crush on someone. I say crush because it was all texting, social media, not a real in person affair. He found out and tried for 2 years but finally they are divorcing. And the crush? he actually divorced on his own and moved away. He was just playing with this guy's wife. Killing time. The guy I know wishes his wife had sorted through her own stuff and not wrecked their family.

 

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. Take your power back and fix your life.

[Imajerk17]

I don't think it's right honestly to tell your spouse that you have a massive crush on someone because it's the only way you think you will be able to get out of the situation. That's rather unfair to the other person, it is not their job to save you from a situation you got yourself into and btw, it does not work. Read all the stories about Dday. It does not always end the person's fixation on the AP.

 

So you tell him and first of all, he will never believe it was not physical, so you will be trying to prove you did not sleep with him. You will introduce doubt where there was none and bring a lot of unnecessary pain on the other person. You might find yourself served with divorce papers over a crush, going nowhere.

 

You should tell him if you feel your feelings towards your husband have changed and you want to work on the marriage, or end the marriage. Otherwise it's a selfish move, unless you are giving the person the choice to leave you.

 

I know a guy whose wife could not get over a crush on someone. I say crush because it was all texting, social media, not a real in person affair. He found out and tried for 2 years but finally they are divorcing. And the crush? he actually divorced on his own and moved away. He was just playing with this guy's wife. Killing time. The guy I know wishes his wife had sorted through her own stuff and not wrecked their family.

 

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. Take your power back and fix your life.

 

This is not "just a crush" though. A crush is your wife swooning over Ryan Gosling, e.g., someone she doesn't have an ongoing relationship with. As she is communicating back and forth with this guy it is at least an Emotional Affair.

 

If you read the third paragraph of OP's 2nd post, she is too preoccupied to even enjoy spending time w her own kids. (And she already tried handling this on her own--to no success.) Good Grief. No man deserves a zombie for a wife. The least the poor husband deserves is an honest conversation at where his wife is at.

 

Meanwhile I think you are confused on what wrecked the family in the story you told. The wife was putting another man in front of her husband for two years even AFTER she confessed. THAT is what ruined their marriage, not this woman confessing her crush. Whether OM had real interest or not in the wife is pretty much besides the point.

Edited June 8, 2018 by Imajerk17

[MidnightBlue1980]

This is not "just a crush" though. A crush is your wife swooning over Ryan Gosling, e.g., someone she doesn't have an ongoing relationship with. As she is communicating back and forth with this guy it is at least an Emotional Affair.

 

If you read the third paragraph of OP's post, she is too preoccupied to even enjoy spending time w her own kids! Good Grief. No man deserves a zombie for a wife.

 

Meanwhile I think you are confused on what wrecked the family in the story you told. The wife was putting another man in front of her husband for two years even AFTER she confessed. THAT is what ruined their marriage, not this woman confessing her crush. Whether OM had real interest or not in the wife is pretty much besides the point.

 

That is correct, it was the woman's fixation on the crush. My point was that her husband finding out did not stop her fixation. She didn't confess anyway, the wife of the guy contacted my friend and told him. In the end, both couples divorced.

 

My point, and I realize it is lost on someone hopelessly in love with someone, is that confessing opens a can of worms over something that might really not be anything. I agree that emotional affairs can exist where two people are confessing their love but so can the modern day phone affair, where some guy is bored at work and sending a few texts a day, maybe a FB PM, because it's fun and something to do outside his normal life. Meanwhile she is running her life into the ground.

 

I know because that is how my story started. Some random person on FB who I never spoke to on the phone, let alone met. I told my H who did not quite believe that I could develop a crush on a person, not even a voice, just a persona. He in turn went off to then get involved with a person in the real world and so did I. 3 years later, all is better but I regret getting so carried away with a silly crush over FB.

 

I agree though, it may be too late at this point. My question though - if it was you, what is the husband to do with this info?

[Bittersweetie]

I don't think it's right honestly to tell your spouse that you have a massive crush on someone because it's the only way you think you will be able to get out of the situation. That's rather unfair to the other person, it is not their job to save you from a situation you got yourself into and btw, it does not work. Read all the stories about Dday. It does not always end the person's fixation on the AP.

 

So you tell him and first of all, he will never believe it was not physical, so you will be trying to prove you did not sleep with him. You will introduce doubt where there was none and bring a lot of unnecessary pain on the other person. You might find yourself served with divorce papers over a crush, going nowhere.

 

You should tell him if you feel your feelings towards your husband have changed and you want to work on the marriage, or end the marriage. Otherwise it's a selfish move, unless you are giving the person the choice to leave you.

 

I know a guy whose wife could not get over a crush on someone. I say crush because it was all texting, social media, not a real in person affair. He found out and tried for 2 years but finally they are divorcing. And the crush? he actually divorced on his own and moved away. He was just playing with this guy's wife. Killing time. The guy I know wishes his wife had sorted through her own stuff and not wrecked their family.

 

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. Take your power back and fix your life.

 

I made the suggestion of confessing this EA/PA (Op said it was a PA originally) because it seems like nothing else has worked. I'm not saying it is the answer but OP has had no accountability in breaking the addiction to this AP. And with all of the mental energy she has put into this AP, that has taken away energy from her husband, from her children. Her family is living a lie because she is so tied up mentally with this other man, and this has been going on for FOUR YEARS. To me, that is more than a massive crush.

 

OP, I'm not saying you have to confess. That is a personal decision. But I will ask you to start thinking outside of the box of yourself and your AP. Think of how your actions and thinking is affecting your marriage, your family. Maybe once you can see how things are affecting innocent people, you can start taking the small steps toward breaking the addiction and moving forward. Good luck.

[carhill]

Here's my .02 as a fMM...

 

1. Transparency - if you want to recover your M and continue in a healthy way, be transparent about your struggles and feelings. Enlist your spouse as a partner to help you get back to prioritizing the M. They're already been disclosed, at least at some level.

 

2. Counseling - If you feel stuck not giving up contact, get a professional to help you with tools to process your feelings differently, the feelings which impel you to remain in contact and keep contact means open. They can help you make different choices and feel good about them. IC is about you and you run the show. IMO keep a narrow focus and task the IC specifically. Also, I'd suggest tasking the IC to examine power dynamics and how this addiction and its fallout impact the power balance in your M and life. Affairs can also be about power, the power to choose different humans. The id likes power. It can be addictive.

 

3. Refocus and regrow your same gender friendships. Yeah, they won't provide the titillation of the sexual vibrations with a man but see that's good. They shouldn't. That feeling should be with your H, presuming you want your M to continue.

 

The strength will come from within you. It's already there. Finding it and focusing it is the work. Good luck!

[brokenandhopeless]

Thank you to all of you that have taken the time to respond. I will read and respond to the opinions and suggestions. I am truly grateful for this forum and newfound friends who can empathize/sympathize. Just merely posting here gives me some strength and knowing I am not alone in this journey.

 

I take all the advice in good spirit and all of you have valid points.

[anika99]

That is correct, it was the woman's fixation on the crush. My point was that her husband finding out did not stop her fixation. She didn't confess anyway, the wife of the guy contacted my friend and told him. In the end, both couples divorced.

 

My point, and I realize it is lost on someone hopelessly in love with someone, is that confessing opens a can of worms over something that might really not be anything. I agree that emotional affairs can exist where two people are confessing their love but so can the modern day phone affair, where some guy is bored at work and sending a few texts a day, maybe a FB PM, because it's fun and something to do outside his normal life. Meanwhile she is running her life into the ground.

 

I know because that is how my story started. Some random person on FB who I never spoke to on the phone, let alone met. I told my H who did not quite believe that I could develop a crush on a person, not even a voice, just a persona. He in turn went off to then get involved with a person in the real world and so did I. 3 years later, all is better but I regret getting so carried away with a silly crush over FB.

 

I agree though, it may be too late at this point. My question though - if it was you, what is the husband to do with this info?

 

I think you maybe need to read the OP's first post again. She says she has met up in person with this guy about 5 times and that he has made clear to her that they are just friends with benefits. We all know what friends with benefits mean. What exactly do you think they were doing when they met up? Why would he refer to her as an FWB? This is not a crush, it is/was a full blown affair.

[Wildcat01]

Maybe you could see a therapist. I do this with men and I am a borderline personality disorder. It only really shows up when I have gotten caught up with another bad personality. Sounds like he's a user and wants his cake and wants it now!

 

I learned to set boundaries by just pretending I was busy. Once you do it the first time you'll be proud of the power you take back fr him, you'll start doing it a lot. Then he will either move along because he was a jerk, or straighten up and you two can have whatever it is that will make you both happy.

[brokenandhopeless]

Aloha, grass-hopper, canttakemysmile and jah526, hope you folks are faring better than I am this week and thank you for the support.

 

CantTakeMySmile: He messaged earlier this week and I did the last couple of days. The thing is, if I wished to break it off, he would be ok with it...except...uhh I am not ok with it although this is unhealthy and is a deadend and will do me no good.

 

stillafool: Yup went to counselling where I am super rational and the therapist asked me to do art therapy or other because talking wasn't going to work with me. I think I am addicted to the attention and affection as well as to be honest, the dirty talk ..none of which I get from my husband including sporadic sex. More than anything, I keep thinking he is the kind of guy I should have married but did not...that kind of loss.

 

Imajerk17: Believe you me, I've thought of his spouse and mine often and still do. I agree I am selfish in this and the 2 unaware spouses don't deserve this. I did have ethics and precisely why I stayed away for a decade and somehow I caved. But you are right and there is no justifying my actions. However, I don't think I am ready to confess to my H. Yup definitely more than a crush and a sense of loss...that I didn't marry him or this kind of man. Very preoccupied that everyday life is taking a backseat and I am slipping on many must-dos including with kids.

 

Bittersweetie: Thank you for your thoughtful response.

 

MidnightBlue1980: How do I convince myself that life is much more interesting without this? This seems to give me the temporary addictive high although the lows are terrible and it is emotional from me and unemotional from him. Actually I'd say he has pulled away but I lack the strength to let go. Every day, minute is a struggle to not think of MM and to not contact.

 

carhill: Thank you very much....uuhh I keep talking to myself about strength..Geez is it tough.

 

anika99: Yup it was phsyical just a couple of times post wedding but was more fooling around than anything else. Never all the way. Not that that justifies anything really. But it was always that I was emotional but for MM it was just sexual fun and friendship. He has been very clear about that from Day 1.

 

Wildcat01: Precisely what I struggle with. I bend over backwards when contacted and am unable to let go of the fleeting high that comes with being in contact. The day I don't contact (after superhuman willpower) I am proud of myself but after going through such torturous 3-4 days, I cave and contact.

 

At this point, I don't know how to convince myself that life without this is better. This is a dead-end and has more sadness than happiness. I am weak and feel powerless and don't know how to muster the strength.