Why being the other woman is heart breaking....

[abandoned2018]

Here are the reasons why being the other woman is heart breaking.... I am trying to teach a lesson to myself.... by posting this here and reading it often...

 

1. If he loved you ENOUGH he will leave her and marry you."Action speaks louder than words" and if he loves you he should want to make you happy.he will not want to see you sad and suffering, he will do the one thing which will make you happy.he isn't doing it. so he does not care that you are in pain, suffering,alone,lonely..
   
2. He is not scared of losing you.if he was, he would have married you and made you his...
   
3. YOU know he won't divorce. you are just waiting to be "loved completely". waiting.... waiting... waiting.... and your life just goes by while you wait,you are wasting your life. and if he cared he will stop that waste of your life.
   
4. You can't call,text whenever you want. even when you feel like sharing some good/bad news you have to wait till they are available. you have to wait till your time comes. and that time comes according to his wife's schedule.
   
5. You can't hold hands with him and walk, can't go to dinner/movies or any other dates, can't travel the world with him, can't kiss and hug him when you want, can't have sex with him when you like, because all the time you are afraid that someone will see you two together and tell his wife.
   
6. You are alone and lonely on your bed, thinking about him, longing for him, sad, crying... and he is with his wife, kissing her, hugging her, loving her, having sex with her, taking care of her, massaging her feet... talking with her, listening to her problems, solving them, helping her buy outfits online... in short doing everything which you want him to be doing with ONLY you....
   
7. Your body, time, mind and attention are totally focused on only him. is he doing the same for you? NO
   
8. Your parents/friends will ask why you are not getting married/where is your partner? you have no answer.. because you have to hide your relationship from the world.
   
9. You deserve someone who wants ONLY you. you are worth it.
   
10. When you are sick, you don't have anyone to go to the doctor with, don't have a partner to take care of you... because well, he is with wife and kids.
    
11. You won't get many gifts because "his wife will see the credit card statement and find out"
    
12. You cant just spontaneously buy him a gift. because "his wife will see and question where it came from"
    
13. thinking of him with his wife will make you depressed.
    
14. Men who find out will think you’re an easy target for unwanted attention.
    
15. You will always feel like you are the second choice. am i not good enough to be given the "wife" status?
    
16. You will go home to an empty house and empty bed while he will go home to wife...
    
17. You will never be his priority..
    
18. You two will be chatting/on a call and he will suddenly disappear /cut the line reason-his wife came to the room.... so when she appears you are discarded...
    
19. Weekends will be full of agony.. no way to contact... he does not know even if you are seriously ill.
    
20. this sadness,pain,jealousy, insecurity created from thinking "am i not worth,am i not good enough" will not be good for your mental health.
    

Edited May 30, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

that sounds like an absolutely miserable way to live your life...

Edited May 29, 2018 by BaileyB

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The GOOD news is that all of that goes *poof* when you end the relationship and move on to a relationship where you are the priority and are not a secret.

[BaileyB]

Still thinking about your list...

 

I love my partner dearly, but I would never agree to live my life like this, despite the fact that I love him.

 

And, he would never ask this of me. In fact, he once ended things between us because he realized the timing wasn't right when we first met. He didn't want me to waste my life, while he had some things he had to sort out in his life. THAT is love. It is honest, considerate, unselfish...

 

It is that old saying, if you love something, set it free...

 

What your MM is asking you to do, that is not love. And why you have agreed to do it, is beyond me...

[Prudence V]

Here are the reasons why being the other woman is heart breaking....

 

I found your list very sad. I was OW and had none of what you describe. It’s not a given par of the role, but it’s clearly what he’s willing to inflict on you. My MM would never have asked that of me during the A. And I’m sure that if he thought I was willing to settle for that, we would not be together now.

 

If you ever take this emotional midget back, please do so on your terms, not his. Ensure that you will only take him back if he makes it clear to everyone that

 

• You are his no 1 priority
  
• He is proud to be with you, proud to be seen with you, proud of your relationship
  
• He will move mountains to be with you
  
• He recognises your value, and treats you with respect and care
  
• He places you and your needs centrally
  
• You wake up every morning knowing how much you mean to him
  

 

It’s possible, even in an extramarital relationship. Do not allow him to treat you as if you are not worthy.

[carhill]

So, OP, how much of the list applies to your present or past affair? Are you looking for advice on your affair or desire to discuss heartbreak in affairs in general?

 

Back when I was younger and more ignorant about women, I used to make lists like that. Then I started seeing women for who they really were and accepted it. Heartbreak ended. They do what they do.

[AlwaysGrowing]

If we sit idly by waiting for others to “make” us happy....we will miss out on one of lifes greatest lessons/key.

 

It is OUR RESPONSIBILTY to ourselves to live our life in such a way that we find contentment/happiness/peace within ourselves.

[abandoned2018]

I found your list very sad. I was OW and had none of what you describe.

 

how...? did he tell the wife he is having an affair and move out.....?

 

It’s not a given par of the role, but it’s clearly what he’s willing to inflict on you. My MM would never have asked that of me during the A. And I’m sure that if he thought I was willing to settle for that, we would not be together now.

 

If you ever take this emotional midget back, please do so on your terms, not his. Ensure that you will only take him back if he makes it clear to everyone that

 

• You are his no 1 priority
  
• He is proud to be with you, proud to be seen with you, proud of your relationship
  
• He will move mountains to be with you
  
• He recognises your value, and treats you with respect and care
  
• He places you and your needs centrally
  
• You wake up every morning knowing how much you mean to him
  

 

It’s possible, even in an extramarital relationship. Do not allow him to treat you as if you are not worthy.

 

how is it possible...?

Edited May 30, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[abandoned2018]

So, OP, how much of the list applies to your present or past affair? Are you looking for advice on your affair or desire to discuss heartbreak in affairs in general?

 

all of it applies to my present affair, i did not have one in the past..

 

 

Back when I was younger and more ignorant about women, I used to make lists like that. Then I started seeing women for who they really were and accepted it. Heartbreak ended. They do what they do.

 

could you please explain ?

 

thank you

Edited May 30, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Prudence V]

how...? did he tell the wife he is having an affair and move out.....?

 

 

 

how is it possible...?

 

He did, but even before then he treated me with respect and consideration. He did have the kind of relationship with his now exwife that you portray your MM and his BW as having. So they lived quite separate lives, and he really was only staying until the kid was old enough.

 

He didn’t keep me hidden. I was introduced to his friends and to his extended family, not as “a friend” but as his partner. We went places together openly. He gave generously of his time, energy, and everything else, and on my timetable, not his. Those were my stipulations for entering he relationship, and he knew if he didn’t meet my expectations I’d move on. But it was what we both wanted, so we made it happen.

 

If your situation is not what you want with this guy, you need to keep walking and not let him back. Because he seems unwilling to give you what you want.

[carhill]

all of it applies to my present affair, i did not have one in the past..

 

Thanks. For reference, here's that thread:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/656641-his-wife-found-out-he-suddenly-abandoned-me-i-am-heart-broken

 

 

 

 

could you please explain (acceptance) ?

 

thank you

 

Sure, acceptance means we express acceptance and accept elementally that humans have a range of behaviors and psychological makeups, some healthy, some unhealthy, some loving and some hateful, and don't attach emotions to the 'list', rather discard the list and instead go with an overall feeling of health or unhealth and make decisions based on our own boundaries regarding those states of mind.

 

For example, with the list discarded and zero accounting going on in my mind, rather enjoying the moment, I now have far more positive interactions with MW's and those (oops there's another one texting me ) drive the dynamic and I simply exert my own boundaries regarding appropriate behaviors.

 

I recently stopped one who went at me because, one, her behavior wasn't respectful of her H and, two, she had been drinking and I was keeping her safe. Still, we had a good time overall and continue to have a positive association. She knows I only engage in sex in committed relationships or while married so I'll always stop her if she goes too far. You decide your own boundaries and what you'll accept and how you process it. In the described incident, I didn't attach any emotion to it, rather focused on the word and concept of 'safe' and then moved on without dwelling on it. She was momentarily horny and it passed. No big deal. If she had tossed me out or yelled at me, OK, cool, accepted. Move on.

 

When younger and in reproductive mode, I was all bound up in 'you and me forever making babies' pair bonding stuff so all the little details ended up on an emotional spreadsheet. Time and experience, and later marriage counseling while married, ended that. Life got markedly more peaceful and healthier. Pedestals toppled and altars discarded. Humans accepted and appreciated. Billions to enjoy.

 

Too wordy?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

He did, but even before then he treated me with respect and consideration. He did have the kind of relationship with his now exwife that you portray your MM and his BW as having. So they lived quite separate lives, and he really was only staying until the kid was old enough.

 

He didn’t keep me hidden. I was introduced to his friends and to his extended family, not as “a friend” but as his partner. We went places together openly. He gave generously of his time, energy, and everything else, and on my timetable, not his. Those were my stipulations for entering he relationship, and he knew if he didn’t meet my expectations I’d move on. But it was what we both wanted, so we made it happen.

 

If your situation is not what you want with this guy, you need to keep walking and not let him back. Because he seems unwilling to give you what you want.

 

This sounds more like an open marriage (on his part) than an affair.

[abandoned2018]

This sounds more like an open marriage (on his part) than an affair.

 

 

 

 

 

 

that's what i felt too...

[BTDT2012]

Being the other woman leads to heartbreak when being the other woman isn't your heart's desire.

[Prudence V]

This sounds more like an open marriage (on his part) than an affair.

 

BW did not know about the affair until later when he told her he was leaving.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

BW did not know about the affair until later when he told her he was leaving.

 

So she was just completely oblivious that her husband was betraying her while you were being paraded around as his partner with his family?

[Artdeco]

So she was just completely oblivious that her husband was betraying her while you were being paraded around as his partner with his family?

 

It’s hard to believe, but that’s what happened in my A as well. I wouldn’t call it “paraded around”, but I wasn’t hidden, either. We were very much out in public, dinners, shows, trips, shopping, you name it. So based on my own experience/history, while i wouldn’t say “completely oblivious”, BW definitely was ignoring certain pieces of evidence, didn’t bring up the obvious, etc. Change is hard. And for some, it’s easier to ignore stuff than deal with them.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It’s hard to believe, but that’s what happened in my A as well. I wouldn’t call it “paraded around”, but I wasn’t hidden, either. We were very much out in public, dinners, shows, trips, shopping, you name it. So based on my own experience/history, while i wouldn’t say “completely oblivious”, BW definitely was ignoring certain pieces of evidence, didn’t bring up the obvious, etc. Change is hard. And for some, it’s easier to ignore stuff than deal with them.

 

This, in my opinion, is much more like an open marriage then. I don't think OP's situation is quite the same. Would you have stayed in your affair if the wife had been angry/heartbroken/telling your affair partner to break ties with you?

[Artdeco]

This, in my opinion, is much more like an open marriage then. I don't think OP's situation is quite the same. Would you have stayed in your affair if the wife had been angry/heartbroken/telling your affair partner to break ties with you?

 

Well, he decided to D, and then came clean. BW very much wanted to stay M, and suggested various avenues to accomplish that, but it wasn’t what he decided in the end, even though he was struggling, understandably so, when she resisted. That was a little bit of a rough patch, but I would’ve accepted any outcome. I didn’t feel like I had any influence in their decision-making whatsoever. Not my M. Not my choice. And we never had a d-day. It just all came out simultaneously with him asking for a d. Had we had a d-day, and had she asked him to end the ema, I don’t think the end result would be any different. He would’ve just ended his M sooner I suppose.

[minimariah]

It’s possible, even in an extramarital relationship.

 

hmmmm...

 

well - it IS possible to have a loving & respectful married partner; it's also possible to be emotionally satisfied in an affair - but it's not likely for someone to pull off the type of A you have had... there needs to be an entire set of circumstances for it to happen, a perfect storm.

 

for example - i could never introduce my AP to my friends and family because the relationships in my social circle and family are incredibly healthy and strong. my friends are also my husband's friends and my family is his family - so if i was to introduce my AP as my partner, they would have told him IMMEDIATELY. i don't have an affair friendly environment - so i could never have that type of affair. also - there is a certain sadistic note in the affair you've described. it's almost as if the APs enjoy, marvel in the secret being out in the open... while it's still a secret. it's incredibly humiliating to the spouse and the family in general - that's emotional food to APs involved in those types of affairs. so there is a certain... character needed.

 

and finally - being with a married man without kids and with kids cannot be compared. for example, i could never have an open type of affair because i don't ever want to RISK for the rumour to reach my teenage child. my time depends exclusively on my child so my AP would have to be the one who would adapt to me - because i am good mother and my child's needs come first - same thing if i was single. also - i don't ever want my child to look back, 20 years from now, on her parents marriage and to see an empty shell (an OBVIOUS empty shell), her father bringing around always the same woman who is not her mother, all while excusing himself that he's waiting it out until she grows up. it doesn't get more toxic than that.

 

respectful affairs are possible. a smooth transition into a long relationship/marriage is also possible - but affairs like yours always have a very, very interesting pathological undertone. the children of those marriages are literally what brings me food to my table.

Edited June 1, 2018 by minimariah

[somanymistakes]

So what would you consider a respectful affair, then?

[Overtaxed]

So what would you consider a respectful affair, then?

 

The only "respectful affair" that I can conceive is when both people go in eyes open. I'm not going to marry you, I'm not going to be able to talk very much, and I'm not leaving my W, but I enjoy sex with you and would like to keep doing that. That would be a respectful A, no lying, I'm here for sex, you are too, and that's what we're going to do. No talking about the spouses, no "plans for the future" or spinning stories about your lives together and instilling false hope. No commingling of friends. What, as a younger man, I would have called "friends with benefits". Because that's all your really offering/getting in an A, is sex from another person. Everything else is smoke/mirrors. All the love, kind words, respect, etc; all evaporates at D-day. A "pure sex" A can be conducted with respect to the AP. It's still absolutely horrible for the BS, but, it's the only kind of A I can foresee not having lies stacked on lies, false promises, and broken hearts at the end.

[somanymistakes]

That wouldn't make sense in context, though, since 'sex only, never leaving the marriage' is absolutely not the relationship that PrudenceV had.

[Overtaxed]

That wouldn't make sense in context, though, since 'sex only, never leaving the marriage' is absolutely not the relationship that PrudenceV had.

 

With all due respect, the relationship that PrudenceV had was about as likely as my 20yo self locking down a harem that consisted of the entire Victoria's Secret runway models for the year. Sure, that list sounds great. Let's just take number 3; "move mountains to be with you". Getting a D isn't exactly a "mountain", it's a piece of paper and some money. So how exactly is an OM moving mountains if he's not willing to take that step? Treating you with respect but then going home to his wife and sleeping with her/telling her how much she loves her and keeping her in the dark about you?

 

Honestly, her list sounds much more like a polygamous relationship than it does an A. A man who follows this list is basically openly saying to the world by "proud to be with you/seen with you/your relationship" that "this is my other wife". Is it possible? Yes, of course it is, some religions do it openly and women live as sister wives. Is it likely, or even remotely reasonable to ask of someone in an A to have a relationship like this? No, it's not, its frankly ridiculous. As an AP, you are not his number 1 priority, he's tell you that every day when he says "bye" and heads home to his wife. Her list would be great for a single guy/single woman; that's exactly the list I'd suggest a woman follow to see if a man is into her. But in an A? I might as well tell women to wait until he rides up on a unicorn, because that's just about as likely as that list. The role of "AP" implies you're not his number 1 and you're not "central" to his life.

[minimariah]

So what would you consider a respectful affair, then?

 

i know a lot of happy and healthy relationships & marriages that started out as affairs - some of them were in longterm relationships, some of them were married with kids. all of them have two things in common:

 

1. they were discreet

2. the affair did not last longer than 3 years

 

so in my opinion - a respectful affair is discreet and it doesn't take long for APs to make a decision and act on it. affair, in its core, is disrespectful - however, it is possible to do damage control. it is extremely rare that APs introduce their OWs to their families and friends - those are usually marriages with extremely strained relationships. in normal situation, you won't be comfortable when your friend introduces you with the women he's cheating with - you will feel some type of way. APs do confide in their closest friends but it's never out there in the open. if not for the respect to the person they chose to marry, then out of shame & knowledge that they are doing something wrong.

 

APs sometimes use affairs to punish and humiliate the spouse, and one thing that baffles me are couples who already live separately - and choose to stay while the kids reach a certain age. in my experience, those who wait it out - knowing that the environment is damaging the kids more than a divorce would - do so because they don't want to pay for child support.

 

either way, there is something extremely disturbing in a man who introduces his mistress to his family as his partner - while married with a child - and dates her openly. there is ALWAYS pathology there, trust.