Work Affair

[Presently]

I don’t know how I even got myself into this. I have a bf and he is married with kids. He is also my supervisor.. not immediate but higher up the chain. He seriously play-harassed me for over a year before I gave in. Why I did I don’t really even know because the first year I tried to avoid him. He bugged me and I didn’t want to be left alone with him. And now here I am. I guess he just caught me at the right (or wrong) time.... or his persistencey paid off.

 

This has been going on for about 3 months. We keep it completely secret because it would look very bad on us both if anyone here knew. We are both in agreement that we are just in it for the fun, that we don’t want this to ruin our current relationships. We do wear condoms. We know we are taking chances getting caught - not being careless but because of places we have resorted to hooking up. In the car... at the office after hours etc. I know, I know... it all looks bad. It is bad, but it’s fun (mostly, thus the reason I’m here).

 

Sometimes this feels bad. I don’t exactly know why. I wouldn’t say I have strong feelings for him.. I mean, I like him but I really don’t even know him on a deep level. I’m not in love by any stretch and yet I am frustrated that this whole thing doesn’t feel better. Is it even possible to have carefree sex without any strings or emotional issues to follow?

 

I almost always wait for him to initiate outside communication. He generally calls me after work on his way home. I find myself annoyed when I don’t hear from him when I “normally” would. I feel like I am making my personal worth on whether this guy wants me, and I hate that because it’s not logical really. I want him to want me and I want him to think about me but he’s somewhat of a closed book so I really don’t know what he’s thinking.

 

And on the flip side of this, I think HE has confused things by calling me and chatting as if we are in a relationship. If we are in this for the sex then why is he calling me? What is the point? He set up this standard and now when he doesn’t call I’m irritated or feel less of a person and that defeats the purpose of this whole interaction. I’m not sure what to do at this point.

 

Sometimes I want to break it off because I hate that the negative talk takes up a big part of my mind. Then when he is around and things feel more normal I feel ok again, that maybe I don’t need to put a stop to this just yet. Is this ever just FUN for any female?

 

And let me just add that I KNOW there are many levels of wrong in all this. The cheating , the supervisor aspect, the work aspect... I get it. Wrong as it may be, none of that changes where I am at right now though.

[Imajerk17]

What about your primary relationship. Don't you feel the least bit guilty about your current boyfriend? Is the sex/chemistry/connection compelling, or is he just a Safe Choice? Anyway, you are really doing him dirty.

 

There is an utter lack of responsibility you are taking for your actions OP and the pain you are causing (whether the affair feels good to you or not). YOU were the one who DECIDED to get into an affair, with someone you didn't even like previously no less. Meanwhile you need to figure out your whys, and you need to break it off with your boyfriend, as you are a cheater betraying him, and he deserves better than that.

Edited March 22, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Presently]

What about your primary relationship. Don't you feel the least bit guilty about your current boyfriend? Is the sex/chemistry/connection compelling, or is he just a Safe Choice? Anyway, you are really doing him dirty.

 

There is an utter lack of responsibility you are taking for your actions OP and the pain you are causing (whether the affair feels good to you or not). YOU were the one who DECIDED to get into an affair, with someone you didn't even like previously no less. Meanwhile you need to figure out your whys, and you need to break it off with your boyfriend, as you are a cheater betraying him, and he deserves better than that.

 

Yes I feel guilt. I would feel HORRIBLE if he found out, and more because of how it would affect him and not me. I realize that I am the one who chose this. I realize I am being selfish. None of these facts change the position I am in right now. I don’t want to break it off with my bf.. I want to be with him. I don’t think leaving him is the answer, and fwiw I don’t think he would actually want that either. If I was in love with the guy maybe, but I’m not and that’s never what this was about. I’m not justifying, just clarifying. If I could go back in time I would NOT have done this, but here I am now, today.

[Imajerk17]

Yes I feel guilt. I would feel HORRIBLE if he found out, and more because of how it would affect him and not me. I realize that I am the one who chose this. I realize I am being selfish. None of these facts change the position I am in right now. I don’t want to break it off with my bf.. I want to be with him. I don’t think leaving him is the answer, and fwiw I don’t think he would actually want that either. If I was in love with the guy maybe, but I’m not and that’s never what this was about. I’m not justifying, just clarifying. If I could go back in time I would NOT have done this, but here I am now, today.

 

The position you are in right now...you make it sound like you can't change things. MORE not taking responsibility.

 

Meanwhile, you need to tell your boyfriend, plain and simple. Your actions are ALREADY affecting him badly, he just doesn't even know it yet. He needs to know the kind of woman he is in a relationship with. No two ways around it. You have to be held accountable for your actions.

Edited March 22, 2018 by Imajerk17

[skywriter]

He seriously play-harassed me for over a year before I gave in. Why I did I don’t really even know because the first year I tried to avoid him. He bugged me and I didn’t want to be left alone with him. And now here I am. I guess he just caught me at the right (or wrong) time.... or his persistencey paid off.

 

Presently, You can't go back in time, but you can move forward, and please do so by cutting this A off. Just tell him to you don't want to be involved with him anymore, don't call you, and start looking for another job.

 

No good can come from this, it will only cause you, grief, emotionally and physically.

[Presently]

The position you are in right now...you make it sound like you can't change things. MORE not taking responsibility.

 

Meanwhile, you need to tell your boyfriend, plain and simple. He needs to know the kind of woman he is in a relationship with. No two ways around it. You have to be held accountable for your actions.

 

I don’t think I am making it sound like I can’t change things. I know I can, I’m just not sure what to do. That’s what I mean by the position I am I’m... I’m IN THIS right now, wrong or right, and obviously I am trying to figure out how to handle it.

 

And I disagree... I don’t think I need to tell him. I’m not going to tell him matter of fact. You can say that makes me a horrible person, well fine. I won’t be doing him any service by telling him and I’m pretty sure based on conversations we have had that he would NOT want to know as long as it was over.

[Presently]

He seriously play-harassed me for over a year before I gave in. Why I did I don’t really even know because the first year I tried to avoid him. He bugged me and I didn’t want to be left alone with him. And now here I am. I guess he just caught me at the right (or wrong) time.... or his persistencey paid off.

 

Presently, You can't go back in time, but you can move forward, and please do so by cutting this A off. Just tell him to you don't want to be involved with him anymore, don't call you, and start looking for another job.

 

No good can come from this, it will only cause you, grief, emotionally and physically.

 

Every day that goes by I feel more strongly about doing just this. I’m not sure about the job aspect though. I don’t want to work somewhere else unless I move out of this city (which I have considered, and NOT because of this). Where I work we get moved around a bit so I may not be seeing him too much down the road. Even now I don’t see him all the time. I would hope we could just end things without there being animosity or total weirdness between us...

[Imajerk17]

I don’t think I am making it sound like I can’t change things. I know I can, I’m just not sure what to do. That’s what I mean by the position I am I’m... I’m IN THIS right now, wrong or right, and obviously I am trying to figure out how to handle it.

 

And I disagree... I don’t think I need to tell him. I’m not going to tell him matter of fact. You can say that makes me a horrible person, well fine. I won’t be doing him any service by telling him and I’m pretty sure based on conversations we have had that he would NOT want to know as long as it was over.

 

What do you mean you aren't sure what to do. You need to stop betraying your boyfriend, and stop messing around with someone else's husband. Why is that so hard for you to understand.

 

Meanwhile you are a woman who is willfully betraying your boyfriend behind his back, with another woman's husband. He is living a lie and he doesn't even know it. How can you even look yourself in the mirror?? Have you kissed both men in the same day?

Edited March 22, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Presently]

What do you mean you aren't sure what to do. You need to stop betraying your boyfriend, and stop messing around with someone else's husband. Why is that so hard for you to understand.

 

Meanwhile you are a woman who is willfully betraying your boyfriend behind his back, with another woman's husband. He is living a lie and he doesn't even know it. How can you even look yourself in the mirror?? Have you kissed both men in the same day?

 

Yes I know I am going behind his back. I take responsibility for that. No I have not kissed them both in the same day.

[Imajerk17]

Yes I know I am going behind his back. I take responsibility for that. No I have not kissed them both in the same day.

 

And yet you do not seem bothered by that enough to put a stop to your double-dealings, NOW. This, despite that you ALREADY know what you are doing is wrong. Knowingly inflicting pain on innocent others....You realize that takes a certain amount of evil to keep doing it anyway, right?

Edited March 22, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Presently]

And yet you do not seem bothered by that enough to put a stop to your double-dealings, NOW. This, despite that you ALREADY know what you are doing is wrong. You realize that takes a certain amount of evil, right?

 

Do you have ANY idea the pain you are causing others??

 

Is your integrity important to you.

 

A certain amount of evil.. wow. I am not presently causing anyone pain other than myself! Tell my bf and now he’s got pain. And anger... to which he might want to confront the OM, and that could only happen at work, which would likely cause job loss. Tell me again how this is going to do any good? Because it’s tje “right thing” to do? I don’t think that is always the case.

 

YES I realize I put myself in this situation and that all of the above seen possibilities... I KNOW THAT, but NONE of that has to happen. We haven’t told anyone and it’s not going anywhere.

[Imajerk17]

A certain amount of evil.. wow. I am not presently causing anyone pain other than myself! Tell my bf and now he’s got pain. And anger... to which he might want to confront the OM, and that could only happen at work, which would likely cause job loss. Tell me again how this is going to do any good? Because it’s tje “right thing” to do? I don’t think that is always the case.

 

YES I realize I put myself in this situation and that all of the above seen possibilities... I KNOW THAT, but NONE of that has to happen. We haven’t told anyone and it’s not going anywhere.

 

The main part of the evil is in you HAVING the affair in the first place, and DECIDING to keep it going despite the fact that you are aware that it is wrong, and that both your boyfriend and OM's wife are being betrayed. And yes, you ARE causing your boyfriend a lot of pain.

 

Imagine if someone you thought were a friend were stealing from you behind your back. And deciding to keep on stealing behind your back. You may not know about it now, but that doesn't mean that it isn't causing you harm.

 

Young lady, I am afraid you have an awful lot to learn about integrity. I feel sorry for your boyfriend, frankly

Edited March 22, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Presently]

The main part of the evil is in you HAVING the affair in the first place, and DECIDING to keep it going despite the fact that you are aware that it is wrong, and that both your boyfriend and OM's wife are being betrayed. And yes, you ARE causing your boyfriend a lot of pain.

 

Imagine if someone you thought were a friend were stealing from you behind your back. And deciding to keep on stealing behind your back. You may not know about it now, but that doesn't mean that it isn't causing you harm.

 

Young lady, I am afraid you have an awful lot to learn about integrity. I feel sorry for your boyfriend, frankly

 

Yeah I know I’m a huge f*ck up right now. I get it okay?

[Imajerk17]

Yeah I know I’m a huge f*ck up right now. I get it okay?

 

I'd like to even know how you can face your boyfriend with a straight face. As in, you are with OM one day and then the next day you meet up with your boyfriend and pretend nothing happened? How does that even work.

 

Do you ever even think about OM's wife and his kids? When his wife finds out she is going be PISSED, and likely those kids will grow up in a broken home.

 

How do you even sleep at night?

 

Let your boyfriend go and find himself a woman who deserves him!

[Presently]

I'd like to even know how you can face your boyfriend with a straight face. As in, you are with OM one day and then the next day you meet up with your boyfriend and pretend nothing happened?

 

Do you ever even think about OM's wife and his kids? When his wife finds out she is going be PISSED, and likely those kids will grow up in a broken home.

 

How do you even sleep at night?

 

Let your boyfriend go and find himself a woman who deserves him!

 

Well gosh I don’t know how I do it, I just DO. I love the guy. Just because I’m being a sh*t right now doesn’t mean I can’t love him.. it doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy his company or like our relationship. I don’t love the OM - that would create issues.

[Imajerk17]

Well gosh I don’t know how I do it, I just DO. I love the guy. Just because I’m being a sh*t right now doesn’t mean I can’t love him.. it doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy his company or like our relationship. I don’t love the OM - that would create issues.

 

Love is a VERB, all about actions though. It's not just a feeling. You sure aren't loving your boyfriend when you decide to sneak around behind his back, that is for sure.

 

Basically you are thinking only of yourself here, your own needs. What you are GETTING from your relationship with your boyfriend. You aren't thinking what you have to be GIVING your boyfriend back, which minimally, needs to include your fidelity.

 

If you truly love your boyfriend, let him go to find a woman worthy of his love! And that would be someone faithful to him, you know, someone with integrity.

 

Meanwhile how can you live with yourself and your actions. All those other people getting hurt by your selfishness!

Edited March 22, 2018 by Imajerk17

[GollumsNightmare]

I wouldn’t say I have strong feelings for him.. I mean, I like him but I really don’t even know him on a deep level. I’m not in love by any stretch and yet I am frustrated that this whole thing doesn’t feel better. Is it even possible to have carefree sex without any strings or emotional issues to follow?

 

Excuse me for asking, but if this isn’t a great “love” affair and it doesn’t even feel that good, why the heck are you sleeping with a woman’s husband? Most women that post here feel like they are in love with the MM and can’t let him go. At least that makes some kind of sense.

 

Sometimes this feels bad. I don’t exactly know why. I wouldn’t say I have strong feelings for him.. I mean, I like him but I really don’t even know him on a deep level.

 

SOMETIMES this feels bad? You don’t have strong feelings for him, but it is worth possibly losing your jobs over?

 

You don’t have strong feelings for him, but it is worth blowing up his kids’ homelife if his wife finds out?

 

Why are you participating in this if you’re not really even interested in him that much? What is the payoff? Because you are playing with fire. I have been on both sides of this equation. You have no idea the pain that could be caused here for everybody if it blows up. And for what?!?

[Presently]

Love is a VERB, all about actions though. It's not just a feeling. You sure aren't loving your boyfriend when you decide to sneak around behind his back, that is for sure.

 

Basically you are thinking only of yourself here, your own needs.

 

If you truly love your boyfriend, let him go to find a woman worthy of his love! And that would be someone faithful to him, you know, someone with integrity.

 

Well now other than this issue you have zero idea how I am with him. You have no idea how we treat each other or what we do for one another. You have no idea his level of happiness. YOU think he would be better off if I freed him to find a real woman, but you have no idea if this is actually what he would want at all. He may just think I am fantastic, and you know what? Outside of this affair the last few months I am a pretty damn amazing girlfriend. He is happy. Call it fake happiness if you want... write that he doesn’t know the real me.

 

The truth is, the good girlfriend is the real me, and the affair is not. That’s just something that I’ve been doing, and like I said in my original post, I don’t know how I got into this because this is not like me. Yes I know I CHOSE to, it’s my decision, but I do t know how I allowed it because I had integrity up until this point.

 

This doesn’t make me evil. It makes me human - we make mistakes. This whole forum is full of people making mistakes in their relationships. Mine was giving myself permission to engage in this at all and that I’ve continued doing so for the last few months. And guess what? I’m the one hurting. The bf is happy.

[Imajerk17]

Well now other than this issue you have zero idea how I am with him. You have no idea how we treat each other or what we do for one another. You have no idea his level of happiness. YOU think he would be better off if I freed him to find a real woman, but you have no idea if this is actually what he would want at all. He may just think I am fantastic, and you know what? Outside of this affair the last few months I am a pretty damn amazing girlfriend. He is happy. Call it fake happiness if you want... write that he doesn’t know the real me.

 

The truth is, the good girlfriend is the real me, and the affair is not. That’s just something that I’ve been doing, and like I said in my original post, I don’t know how I got into this because this is not like me. Yes I know I CHOSE to, it’s my decision, but I do t know how I allowed it because I had integrity up until this point.

 

This doesn’t make me evil. It makes me human - we make mistakes. This whole forum is full of people making mistakes in their relationships. Mine was giving myself permission to engage in this at all and that I’ve continued doing so for the last few months. And guess what? I’m the one hurting. The bf is happy.

 

 

No, the affair IS "the real you". You are a woman who is lying behind her boyfriend's back and who is cheating on a man she loves. With another woman's husband! That is you too. You need to accept that about yourself.

 

And yes, knowingly causing pain on a bunch of innocents is EVIL.

 

What does integrity mean to you? Do you know what the word means. I mean, all we have to go by a person is their actions really.

Edited March 22, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Presently]

Excuse me for asking, but if this isn’t a great “love” affair and it doesn’t even feel that good, why the heck are you sleeping with a woman’s husband? Most women that post here feel like they are in love with the MM and can’t let him go. At least that makes some kind of sense.

 

 

 

SOMETIMES this feels bad? You don’t have strong feelings for him, but it is worth possibly losing your jobs over?

 

You don’t have strong feelings for him, but it is worth blowing up his kids’ homelife if his wife finds out?

 

Why are you participating in this if you’re not really even interested in him that much? What is the payoff? Because you are playing with fire. I have been on both sides of this equation. You have no idea the pain that could be caused here for everybody if it blows up. And for what?!?

 

Have you been on both sides? How so? I didn’t like him in the beginning. I wasn’t interested him in the beginning. Somewhere it flipped.

 

I don’t have strong feelings in that I’m not in love. I like the guy… Of course I have to like him to sleep with him, but I’m trying to keep emotions out of this and accept it for what it is.

 

Yes I KNOW all that could be lost. Isn’t it always that way in an affair?? How do we all get here?? I’m not the first to have an affair! No of course I don’t want anything bad to come out of this.

[Imajerk17]

Have you been on both sides? How so? I didn’t like him in the beginning. I wasn’t interested him in the beginning. Somewhere it flipped.

 

I don’t have strong feelings in that I’m not in love. I like the guy… Of course I have to like him to sleep with him, but I’m trying to keep emotions out of this and accept it for what it is.

 

Yes I KNOW all that could be lost. Isn’t it always that way in an affair?? How do we all get here?? I’m not the first to have an affair! No of course I don’t want anything bad to come out of this.

This doesn't even make any sense. You are risking a lot--your job, OM's family, your boyfriend--for someone you say you 'don't even have strong feelings for'.

 

When things explode that is going to make the other affected parties even more pissed with you!

[Presently]

Maybe this is what I need to knock some sense into me. When I say I don’t know how I got here I don’t mean that I’m not accepting my decision to do so. I only mean that prior to engaging in this I could have said there is no way I would ever. I just wasn’t like that. So how can a person who at least HAD integrity lose it so easily?

[Presently]

This doesn't even make any sense. You are risking a lot--your job, OM's family, your boyfriend--for someone you say you 'don't even have strong feelings for'.

 

When things explode that is going to make the other affected parties even more pissed with you!

 

Well I’m sorry it doesn’t make sense but I’m in the middle of it.. and not just me but the OM is too. I’m not in this alone you know. How can HE do it when he has a LOT more to lose? It’s because people don’t think about the repercussions when they make stupid decisions sometimes.

[CatMinx]

I’m really confused...what is your reasoning for continuing the affair? You have yet to give any solid answer to that other than because ‘I just wanna’.

[Presently]

I’m really confused...what is your reasoning for continuing the affair? You have yet to give any solid answer to that other than because ‘I just wanna’.

 

Because it’s exhilarating. It’s fun. It’s enjoyable. When I’m with him I feel wanted. All selfish reasons, I am aware.

 

I don’t know if I want to continue it because it’s starting to be stressful. That’s why I said it feels bad sometimes. Initially I was thinking it would be no strings attached sex. It’s something I had never done or engaged in and I thought maybe it would just be an easy occasional fling on the side that would never turn into a thing. It seemed less harmful somehow. Now I find myself questioning things and wondering about his thoughts and I don’t want to feel like this. It wasn’t supposed to be anything but I think it’s too hard to separate out emotions. I’m not sure.